Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Dex?”

  “Yep, it’s cool.” I say and hang up the phone. I look at the screen it says December 31st; I call Romeo.

  “What can I do you for?” he says, answering the phone.

  “What’s the date today?” I say a little panicked.

  “The 31st, what’s going on are you okay, will you be at the……” I don’t wait to hear him finish that sentence.

  “No, no, no.” I say, running my hands through my hair. FUCK, No! How did I forget her birthday? I’m an idiot; she was my world, my everything. And I was so clouded by lust and sex, I actually forgot her birthday. I knew the more I let Ruby in, the more of Amanda I would have to let go. Have you ever been so angry with yourself you take it out on everyone and everything you come in contact with? That’s how I’m feeling. I thrash my bike all the way to work; the faster I’m there, the sooner I can get on my drums and take out some of this aggression. The drive is a blur, I don’t bother with hello’s or even look to see who is around, I just don’t care. I go straight for the drums and smash out my anger, I play whatever comes to my head. Having a glance at the clock, I realise I have been at it for near on half an hour. Sam and Sarah should be here shortly, I want to get this over and done with, so I can go be with my wife.

  “Call out when my appointments here!” I say to Ruby on my way past, I can’t look at her. I don’t want to blame her, but right now it’s because of her I forgot, and I have no control over how angry that makes me.

  Silently, I open the picture message Sam sent me of the design they want and it’s nice, an angel wing with feathers flying off, with the words - An angel grew her wings too soon. I have the completed stencil ready by the time they get here and they both try to fuss over me. If it wasn’t a tattoo for Amanda; then I would have told them both to leave me the hell alone. I have both their tattoos finished in no time at all, and I pretty much kick them out; but Sam being Sam knows that something is up. I tell her I’m fine, and with a sceptic look she follows behind Sarah.

  “Cancel my appointment for this afternoon.” I snap, avoiding eye contact with Ruby as I hurry past her desk.

  “Wait,” she calls out from behind me.

  “What Ruby, I have places to be?” I snap impatiently, hoping she will drop it for now.

  Of course she doesn’t just drop it; she just gets pissed off and goes on about me treating her like crap. She carries on about how she can’t just fucking cancel my appointments, so I tell her to just do her damn fucking job. Her retort is about our relationship taking work, so then I feel like absolute shit when she tells me she won’t be in the firing line. “Well don’t then, I’m not forcing you to do anything.” I hear the words as they come out of my mouth, and I just need to leave before I say anything else I can’t take back. I’m pretty sure she yells something about not letting the door hit my ass on my way out, but I keep walking until I get to my bike.

  I just need to get through today, just one day – I didn’t imagine it would be this damn hard. The last four birthdays, I was drunk and slept the whole day away. All that replays in my head is the last birthday of hers we spent together, she was pregnant with Harlow and we had the best day. Sam and Morris joined us for lunch and we finished the day with a walk on the beach and Amanda talking about our future together. Little did we know, three months later she would be gone.

  Pulling up at the cemetery, I take the bunch of her favourite flowers - white daisies, they maybe the plainest flowers you could think of, but when Amanda would wear them in her hair, they were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. I delve into my pocket to retrieve the mini pocket knife on my key ring and then start making the flowers into a daisy chain. I sit in the quiet making the chain, it’s so peaceful, I can’t take the guilt that is building up inside of me. “I’m so sorry baby, please forgive me. I thought I could move on and still love you with my whole heart, but I can’t. I would have to let parts of you go, and I’m not ready to do that. I was with her this morning and I nearly forgot about your birthday today. I feel like I am becoming the worst husband in the world. You were always too good for me and I know I didn’t deserve you - I’m a selfish asshole. You were my shining light and I’m still so lost without you. I love you so much; so much it hurts waking up without you every day.” I feel the pain inside my chest, ripping its way through my body. I need to move before I can’t breathe at all. I walk from the cemetery gutted, I knew all along letting Ruby in was a bad idea.

  Someone is poking me trying to wake, me but the pulsating of my brain starts instantly and all I want to do is roll over and die. Bloody Sam, I don’t know how many times I have asked her to leave me alone, but sure enough it appears she has come back to bust my balls.

  “Piss off Sam; I don’t need you busting my balls again.” I moan into my pillow.

  “It’s not Sam.” I instantly recognise the voice as Ruby’s. SHIT, why is she here? “Get your sorry ass up and have a shower - you stink.” she says – man Sam has really upped her game by bringing Ruby here.

  “Just leave me alone, please.” I plead. Being awake and sober is a reminder of what I have lost.

  “No, I won’t just leave you alone; when I said I still wanted to be your friend, I meant it.”

  “I don’t need your friendship.” I snap at her.

  “That may be so; but did you stop and think about your friends - the ones who love you and are hurting just as much as you are? And what about your sister, who has been beside herself with worry just because you won’t answer her calls? Or maybe, just maybe if that’s not enough, what about your amazing daughter; who in all of this, is the one who should come first. I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart you got dealt this shitty hand, but it’s not just you being affected here, so stop being selfish and pull your shit together. I’m sorry if this hurts you, but it really needs to be said; this is not all about you, so stop treating the people who want to help you like the shit on the bottom of your shoe. Then think about your little girl, she will be back tomorrow and this shit won’t fly with her. You have fixed this house up for her and made it into a home, now pull yourself together and start acting like a real father.”

  “You done?” I ask, sitting up.

  “Maybe; are you going to pull your head out of your ass?”

  Flash backs of the last few days stream through my pounding skull, so I don’t answer her, just nod my head.

  “Thanks.” Sam says to Ruby, as she walks out the door.

  “Anytime, I meant it when I said I still want to be friends with him, he actually has helped me more then he knows.” With that, Ruby is gone. But Sam is still glaring down at me.

  “Since when are you two friends?” I ask sarcastically.

  “We’re not; but I think we have come to an understanding, and she isn’t so bad.”

  That makes me scoff, nothing like bonding over a broken man who smells like he ate his own vomit for breakfast.

  “Do you want me to help clean this mess up?”

  “No, I need to do it myself.”

  “Okay. I left some Panadol and water on the table because you are going to need it, big time. I will call later, but I really think you owe Ruby an apology, we all treated her like crap yesterday - especially you, and she didn’t deserve any of it. I have apologised and I hope you do too, you’re lucky to have someone like her on your side.” Sam says, before giving me a wave and walking out. She is like that, always making sure she gets in the last word - typical Sam. I lean my head in my hands, as I remember how badly I treated Ruby yesterday, all the horrible things I said, and how I blamed her for my fuck up. The worst part is; inside my head I am still blaming her. What the hell is wrong with me?

  After cleaning the house, I’m happy to say it doesn’t smell like a pub at two in the morning. I get my ass in the shower and scrub away the guilt, my head is so screwed up and I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can start with apologising to Ruby.

  ME: Meet me at work please.

  RUBY: Already
here, some of us can’t afford to slack off.

  I don’t reply. I make a quick call to Big Moe, and after I get my ass chewed out by him, he agrees to let Ruby have a few hours off; as long as I give him his next tattoo for free, the man drives a hard bargain. Once I get to work everyone is going about their business, they are used to my work schedule. But Jash must still be pissed at me by the vicious look he gives me as I walk in. The plan is to finish her tattoo, so I get my station set up and ready. I know it’s not an apology, but it’s all I can manage for now. Eventually Ruby comes towards the back room and I reach out for her arm, she pulls away, it hurts that she is defensive and her walls are back up, because of me. This beautifully damaged girl let me inside the walls she built so damn high to protect herself, and the asshole I am just smashed them to pieces in one day.

  “Dex,” she warns.

  “Please,” is all I say, and I think she can see in my eyes; I need to show her in my own way that I am truly sorry. I gesture for her to sit on the chair I have set. I set up the room divider we use for when woman who need privacy, I watch as she turns away from me and removes her top and slides into the chair the way a customer would, not the way someone you seen naked not that long ago..

  “You ready?” I ask, and she nods. Ruby is no stranger to being tattooed, so I start the shading. The design is amazing and so detailed, with the mask and the face and the skull surrounded by a snake squeezing a heart. We also incorporated roses for Ty, and the necklace she always wears. When I’m almost done, Jash pops his head in to talk to Ruby.

  “Have you seen Joe today?” he asks.

  “No, is he supposed to be on today, I thought he had the day off?” Ruby says.

  “He was supposed to meet me this morning. Maybe he got side tracked with Lizzy, I will call Oliver.”

  Just hearing that guy’s name pisses me off. That guy is sitting around biding his time until I finally screw up, and I bet he will be the one to swoop in and save the day. I don’t blame him though, it’s not like I can have my cake and eat it too. What Ruby said may have been harsh, but I do need to find myself, like she said, and it’s sad I just don’t know where to start.

  Once I’m done, we still don’t talk, she looks at me and I can see the hurt in her eyes. Then she looks down at her shirt and I realise it’s not tattoo proof and will rub. I remember seeing something on the internet about making a dress from a men’s shirt, or maybe Sam posted it, I don’t know but I take off my shirt and hand it to her. She raises her eyebrow at me and puts it on anyway, she has obviously seen the YouTube video because she puts her arms through the neck and I help to make sure it doesn’t rub on the tattoo, it’s a little tight, so I stretch out the neck a little and fold the sleeves into the top. Seeing her in my clothes makes my dick twitch, he obviously hasn’t caught up with the news.

  “This doesn’t make up for anything.” she says.

  “I know.” I say, as she walks away. After I pack everything away, I grab my keys and leave. It was stupid finishing her tattoo, but I know when I feel this way I just have to put ink on someone. Then it dawns on me, I didn’t do it to make her feel I was sorry. I did it because I felt sorry for myself, and I used her just like I did when I did the outline.

  I get on my bike and just ride, I don’t have any idea where I’m going or why, but I need to clear my head. I end up at a little park - the place I took Amanda and asked her to be my girlfriend. It’s run down and shabby looking, but I remember vividly how it was that day; it was summer and Amanda had on a yellow dress, she was laying in the grass. I don’t know where the words came from, but I just blurted out ‘will you be my girlfriend?’ and she didn’t hesitate, she just said ‘yes’ like she was so sure it was what she wanted and didn’t need any time to think about it. I was dancing on the inside that someone as amazing and beautiful as her would want someone as skinny and dorky as me. She patted the grass beside her and when I laid down beside her, she wove her fingers in mine. From that point on we were inseparable, we were each other’s first everything. We didn’t rush into anything, Amanda always had everything planned out; when we would have sex, when we should get married and have kids. But a broken condom and some wishful thinking it wouldn’t be enough to get pregnant changed everything; we were supposed to both work for a few years and save for a wedding and a house before we had a baby.

  Her parents were not happy about us having a baby so young, but they accepted it. My parents, or I should say my father, wouldn’t. He was shamed or so he says, about his son having a baby out of wedlock, and that’s also when Winnie dropped the lesbian bomb on him. He moved mom a few hours away, “Just far enough he says, so people wouldn’t know the shame we bought to our family. Now I’m lying in the grass and remembering all the good and bad times; the laughter, tears and everything we shared together over the years. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we were supposed to grow old together and watch our kids and grandkids grow up, we were made for each other. Amanda use to always tell me she was born to be mine, and spent fifteen years waiting for me to show up. Most people go their whole lives and don’t find a soulmate, but we found each other early in life. I made a promise to her on our wedding day; she was my heart and soul, my light and I would never have eyes for another. Till death do us part, what bullshit, I still love her with every beat of my heart.

  Just then Winnie calls and I explain everything to her, I can hear the disappointment in her voice when she says we need to talk once she gets home. I know it’s about me taking Harlow; just as I know it was a stupid to act how a man with a child should be acting. I wouldn’t blame Winnie if she has second thoughts about me taking Harlow. I close my eyes and picture Amanda and my life together with Harlow, our house all set up and Amanda would stay home with Harlow until she started school and I would work to provide for us. At the end of a long day I would come home, I imagine myself walking in the door “Honey I’m home” I would call out, and Harlow would come running into my arms. I watch and wait for Amanda to come out of the kitchen, but I instead my imagination takes another direction and I see Ruby walking out and my eyes fly open; my heart’s pounding and I can’t believe what I have just imagined. Disturbed, I run and get back on my bike, I need to talk to Amanda and make her help me understand. The cemetery is a freaky place to walk through with all the shadows as the sun is going down, but determinedly I make my way to Amanda’s grave. I don’t sit this time, I pace back and forward and I run my hand through my hair.

  “Baby, I’m losing my mind; I need you to tell me you don’t hate me for trying to move on, because I hate myself for wanting to try. I need you here to tell me what I’m doing is okay?” At that moment I hear pretty woman by Roy Orbison, I look around and see a car has pulled up at the cemetery but that song, it was the song I would sing to Amanda all the time; it was my song to her. “Thank you,” I say to Amanda, “I will always love you baby, never forget you’re my light. Right now I need to go beg someone for forgiveness.”

  When I heard that song, it made me remember when we were both talking about if something ever happened to us, and I made her promise if I ever died first, she would be happy and find someone to take care of her. She refused, saying she would never and then tried to make me promise the same. I had forgotten until now I told her I would if she would, and she said, “If I die first, just try to be happy, one day you will find happiness, use that to remember me and use that strength to love again, because you deserve to be happy and to be loved. I’m so lucky to be loved the way you love me, if I die don’t waste that love Dex. Promise to love someone else, because the woman you fall for will need your heart, I will make sure of it.” I told her to stop being so morbid, and I was dying first.

  Ruby more than likely won’t want to hear what I have to say, but I at least need to explain. I try calling her phone and it goes to voicemail, the same as Ty and Joe’s phone. I try Jash’s phone and just when I think he isn’t going to answer, I hear the click and know the call has been answered.


  “Jash?” I say and I’m greeted by what sounds like sniffling, like someone’s crying.

  “Jash, mate, are you okay?”

  “There has been an accident, it’s Ruby, I’m on my way to St Mary’s, they wouldn’t say over the phone, but…..” I don’t hear the rest of what he is saying, my ears start making a whooshing sound and I can’t function or form words, my throat closes over, I can’t lose her.

  Noooooooooo, this can’t be happening again!

  Yesterday having Dex finish my tattoo was a wonderful surprise; however not totally unexpected because of his asshole attitude. I know it was his way of trying to tell me he was sorry, but an apology out of guilt will just not cut it anymore.

  What I need from him now is for him to sort his life out. Learn how to manage his grief and be the father to Harlow he really wants to be, without any distractions. That’s why when Sam came to see me this morning I wasn’t expecting a pleasant conversation, but round two in the aggressive attitude. Even though she said she was sorry on New Year’s Eve, I really hadn’t believed her, it was drunken talk. It appears she has mellowed, and she really was sorry. Needless to say, the conversation we had over coffee was only a prelude to her wanting something from me; we both knew this, you don’t just turn up at someone’s house at seven in the morning to pour your heart out. She explained it was Amanda’s birthday on New Year’s Eve and wasn’t sure what exactly set Dex off, probably his father, he had mentioned to her he’d gotten a phone call that morning. She told me a bit about his relationship with his father, and his father sure sounds like a real piece of work. Having Sam in chatty mode was strange, but very informative. She went on to tell me that after leaving work yesterday, Dex had locked himself in his house and had not stopped drinking until he passed out. This particular bit of information was the most shocking, since I knew Dex had made a point of not drinking so much since asking for more time with Harlow - I knew he must have been really messed up. Sam also explained to me how Dex had isolated himself after Amanda’s death, and his behaviour wasn’t pretty, I’m certain it wasn’t his finest moment. Even understanding that, and knowing why he treated me like he did, reinforces my opinion I have done the right thing. I want to still be friends with him, but not be his partner. I just hope I put some sense back into that brain of his to make him see the light.