Under the surface

by Jaye Cox

  “Hey, that was mine.” She says in a whiny voice, that maybe she thinks is supposed to be cute.

  “Not anymore sweetheart, don’t be a whore and buy your own damn drinks.” I snap at her.

  “Hey man, that’s not cool, I don’t talk to your chicks like that.” Jash says

  “Please, I don’t have chicks, never have. I had an amazing woman and I have finally, totally fucked that up.”

  “What happened with Ruby?” Ty asks, I can hear the concern in his voice. I’ll give him one thing, he is a good brother to her; at first I thought it was weird the hold he had over her, but now I see everything he does is for them to have a normal life.

  “She is fine, she left with Oliver.” I see the look on his face, he didn’t know she was out of hospital, he doesn’t say anything but he is on his phone immediately. I slap some money in front of Jash. “Get some more drinks, didn’t mean to cock block you.” I walk away before he can reply and make my way to the stage, no one has been up there so I take advantage of it before I start drinking more and turn into a pussy that gets drunk and cries about his feelings. I need to put my big boy pants of and get the fuck over it, because it is what it is, and she has made her choice, I just have to accept it.

  Going into work every day and Ruby not being there puts me in a foul mood; reminding me day in and day out I have messed up again. She hasn’t called so and that’s a sure sign it’s completely over for her; I know I could call her, but what is the point. Jash did tell me she had gone to stay with her friend Taylor and this makes it easier for me to bare - knowing she isn’t shacked up somewhere having crazy monkey sex with Oliver. It didn’t take him long to swoop in and steal my girl; and now that he has a foot in the door, I don’t see him leaving anytime soon. I’ve convinced myself focusing on work and Harlow is where my head needs to be right now, and for the most part that has worked.

  With Ty’s skillful help, I have managed to finally buy a new car and I get to pick it up next week; Ty has not mentioned Ruby to me, and I haven’t asked. She didn’t want us not working out to affect my relationship with him and I don’t plan on letting her down, it’s the least I can do. Some people say thank fuck it’s Friday, but for me it’s thank fuck it’s Saturday. I have pulled some long hours at the shop to pay for my new car and now I only get this one day to relax. Working full time and having Harlow most nights has been exhausting, but I have loved being a more stable role model for her. Winnie insisted on having Harlow for the night and I’m grateful for this down time.

  “Yo, Poindexter, you home?” Romeo calls out, walking through the door.

  “What are you doing here pretty boy?” I call out. “Hey Sam.” I say walking into the lounge room, I’m not sure why they are here, but will find out for sure.

  “Hey Dex, where is Harlow, I bought her a new movie.” Sam says, holding up Beauty and the Beast - I shake my head at her like she is crazy.

  “What’s with the visit, is this some sort of intervention?”

  “Kind of.” Sam says standing, “we have watched you mope around for the last five weeks and I had to be sure she was the one, because I only get one time to give you this and after Romeo and I spoke yesterday, I know it’s time.”

  “I’m confused, what do you have to give me; and what did you and Romeo talk about that involves me?” I ask, getting impatient and confused.

  “Calm down, I ran into Ruby and found out she is still here and she looks as shithouse as you do.” Romeo says.

  “And I have this for you,” she says handing me an envelope. I know what it is, I drop onto the couch and stare at it; do I really want to read this now? Sam says her goodbyes and Romeo says he will give me some privacy, and will go help himself to my beer. Taking a deep breath, I tear open the envelope.

  To my love, my one and only.

  If you are reading this - today is the day I have to share your heart with another woman and I’m okay with that, I truly am. Please love her with all you have, you are a beautiful man and deserve the best in life.

  I know I will be with you in your heart forever, just know your heart is big enough to love another woman. From the moment I set eyes on you I knew we would be together until death do us part; even in death I will know I was loved by you, and be at peace knowing I had you for as long or as short as our time was.

  Every day with you was a blessing and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and always looked forward to loving you even more tomorrow.

  When we found out I was pregnant we were both scared, but for different reasons. I was scared because I didn’t think it would be possible for me to love another person more or equal to how much I loved you. But as the weeks turned into months, I realized I didn’t have to love Harlow the same way I loved you; my love for her is purely a mother’s love. You see, I have no choice to love what we had created, because it just is. But with you, I choose to love you and I choose you every day.

  Just remember that I chose you, and I promised myself if my time came before yours, I would choose the perfect woman for you; to be by your side for the rest of your life, so love her the way you loved me. Don’t waste any time on what if’s or what could have been’s, just jump in knowing I sent her to you and knowing you were ready and open to being loved and loving someone again. Because I know you and I also know you will question moving on and doubting yourself. I want you to be happy and I want someone else to know what it’s like to be loved by you. Don’t feel guilty darling, I know how you feel about me, and I will cherish it long after I’m gone.

  Your love; Your light; Your everything.

  xoxo Amanda

  As my world implodes, it all hits me at once. I wipe away the tears from my eyes and call out to Romeo; hoping he knows where I can find Ruby. I don’t care if that fucker Oliver thinks he has a foot in the door, because I’m not going down without a fight. I have lost Amanda, but I definitely won’t let myself lose Ruby.

  “Romeo, I need to know where you saw Ruby, I have to find her.” I ask Romeo as he comes back inside.

  “I was hoping you would say that.” He says holding out two lanyards, I read them and they are backstage passes to a concert and as I read bands name Black Diamond, and I realise it’s the same concert Oliver got Ruby tickets to for Christmas.

  “I don’t know how you did this, but I owe you one dude.”

  “You owe me more than one, it wasn’t easy getting these suckers. But I have also managed to organise the band to personally sing a song to Ruby and you can grovel on stage to win her back. I figured it had to be something big, considering Oliver has a lot going for him and well, you don’t.” He teases.

  “Hey fuck you, I’m a way better catch then him, but thanks man, I don’t think I can ever repay you for this.”

  “You can’t, so let’s just go and get Ruby back.” He says.

  Romeo makes a call to the bands manager from the car and lets her know we’re on our way, she told him the band wants to meet us.

  “What if she rejects me man?” I complain.

  “Then you keep fighting, women like her don’t come around that often. Now stop being a dork and plan what you’re going to say when you beg for her forgiveness.”

  During the whole ride to the concert in the car I feel nauseous and my palms are sweaty, this is it Dex your one shot to win her back, stop being a girl’s dick and fight for her.

  At the concert, Romeo finds the bands manager and she takes us back to meet with the band. They seem like an awesome bunch of guys and we chat for a bit when the lead singer Mickki asks if I have a song in mind for them to sing. Absolutely I do, Far Away by Nickleback.

  I’m planning on making an impact and getting my feelings across and I know this song says it all - I just hope she gets that. Eddie the guitarist doesn’t like me much, I keep getting a weird vibe from him and swear I heard him say something about a golden pussy. Their manager gets us a couple of beers and I needed it to calm my nerves, I’m not good with words and now I get to beg for he
r forgiveness in front of thousands of people; let’s hope I don’t pass out. Romeo says I should picture the crowd naked, not a wise idea when you’re on the verge of throwing up from nerves.

  Pacing back and forth as the band plays the song I chose, I’m ready to do this. I have run every different outcome through my head and I hope she can forgive me.

  “Ladies, it’s been a pleasure as usual and all you assholes, thanks for coming; keep your girls close because Eddie can’t be trusted. Before everyone goes we have a sorry son of a bitch here who fucked up bad and has a few things he needs to say.”

  That’s my cue and someone hands me a mic. As I walk on stage, the lighting follows me and I hold my hand to my eyes to block the glare.

  “Golden pussy” I glare at the guitarist, “don’t forget my marriage proposal,” the guitarist says, the crowd laughs and I don’t let that put me off.

  “Ruby, I know you’re here somewhere.” I say, looking over the crowd. “I can’t see you, but I need to tell you how I feel because I have been an asshole. I am so sorry I didn’t come see you at the hospital, but I was so damn scared if I walked through those doors I would lose you forever, and I couldn’t take that risk, even if it meant you would hate me and think I didn’t care - but I do care, and it took me until today to realise just how fucking much. You know my story and I truly never thought I would feel this way about someone ever again. I didn’t even want to. But Ruby, I want to grow old with you, I want to fill in life’s blanks. I want to fix all your broken parts and put them all back together again, just like I need you to put me back together again. I’m broken and I’m so scared to love again; but most of all I’m scared if I love you, you’ll be ripped away from me, and I can’t lose you like I have lost previously. Truthfully, losing someone you love takes part of you away, and I thought I didn’t have much left to lose. I was an empty shell when I met you Ruby, you have invaded my heart and made me feel things I have tried to bury deep in my soul. The more I fall in love with you, the more I remember the man I use to be - the one worthy of love. I can’t promise you it will be an easy road, but I will try. You are everything I need, and more than I deserve after the way I have treated you. But here I am, begging you to forgive me; God knows I don’t deserve it, I’m promising you my heart and soul. I’m tired of fighting with myself, telling myself I can’t love you, because - I do love you, I love you so damn much.” Taking a much needed deep breath, I stop and look around hoping to see her. Just when I think this wasn’t enough; I see the crowd start to part and Ruby slowly making her way towards the stage. Dropping the mic, I jump down and meet her half way. She stops in front of me, I see the wariness in her eyes and I know I have put that look there. It took her so long to break down those walls. I clasp her hands in mine.

  “I’m so sorry, I deserve a kick in the nuts, but I’m really hoping you can forgive me.”

  “How will I know you won’t hurt me again?” She asks and I can see her eyes are watery, and I sure as hell didn’t mean to make her cry.

  “You don’t, but I will show you every day you can trust me again. I know that will take time, and I can wait as long as it takes. Love for me doesn’t have an expiration date, you’re it for me. You know I loved Amanda with every inch of my existence, she was my once upon a time. But you Ruby – you are my happily ever after, every good fairy-tale has beginning and an end, I just hope this fairy-tale has a happy ending.

  I roll over in the bed and the spot beside me is empty and for a split second I think last night was a dream. The song Dex dedicated to me at the concert and him telling me so publicly he loved me; that is until I open my eyes and realise I really am in his bed. Last night we stayed up late and talked about us and why he has done all the things he has done, and now I’m finally understanding why he acted the way he did. But I have made it clear, from now on he needs to talk to me if he is having a bad day, even if it’s not deep and meaningful, just an “I’m having a shit day and need some space”. I also made it abundantly clear I’m in this for the long haul and there is no turning back. He also needs to prove to me I can trust him again, and that he will treat me as an equal and not someone who is less worthy than he is.

  Smelling coffee, it gradually wakes up all my senses. I sit up and notice an envelope on the bedside table with my name on it and I wonder what Dex is up to. Opening the envelope there is a smaller envelope inside it and on the front in perfect handwriting it says.

  If Sam has given you this letter, then you’re the one.

  I open it and pull out the paper inside.

  To Dex’s future wife.

  Let me introduce myself. I’m Amanda, Dex’s past wife, and I seriously hope no one ever reads this letter and Dex and I are together until the day we both die - hand in hand of old age.

  I was blessed with meeting my soul mate at fifteen and I’m glad every day that man has been Dex - he really is something special.

  But if you are reading this, then I’m gone. Please look after my Dex, as he is the best man I know. He needs a woman to love him and to cherish the beautiful soul he is. But most of all, he deserves to be happy.

  I bet you are wondering why I’m writing you this letter. Well, we found out today we are having a daughter, a little girl that I need to know will be loved by her daddy and anyone else in her life. I beg you to treasure my family and love them with everything you have.

  If Sam has given you this letter, you must be worthy of being in their lives; god knows Sam is a picky bitch and would have first seen you as my replacement. I can guarantee she has given you hell, but I will let you in on a secret; it’s all an act - Sam is the most loving and loyal friend you could ever have.

  Seriously, I want to thank you for loving my family when I can’t be around to love them myself. I hope I was around for all the big milestones in their lives, but if I wasn’t, please be a mother to my daughter; every little girl deserves a mother who will love and cherish her, and every good man deserves a good woman by his side. I know Dex would have taken my death hard, he was always a gentle man who wore his heart on his sleeve, and will need guidance and support. I always told him if I left the earth before he did I would send him a woman who was capable of those things, and I believe you’re that person. Don’t be afraid to love like it’s your last day on earth, because we don’t know when our time is up, it’s how we live that counts.

  Thank you for doing the things I cannot be around to do, I will be eternally grateful.

  xoxo Amanda.

  My emotions are abuzz: You know when you’re on the verge of tears and your heart hurts? That is how I feel currently. I have an overload of emotions, at the beautiful person Amanda must have been, and Sam for believing I’m it for Dex. Awed by the love Dex and Amanda shared, and amazed in Amanda, to put trust in the thought of one day a stranger could possibly take her place. I’m no saint, but I promise myself I will try to be the person worthy of filling her shoes. Dex and I will still take things slow, but now I can imagine a future for us, I honestly I never imagined I would want that. I take the letter and go find Dex. He is at the table and has my coffee waiting, he looks up at me and a single tear runs down my check. He reaches out his hand and pulls me onto his lap, wiping the tear from my check with his thumb, his other hand cradles my face and he pulls me in for a soft kiss.

  “I thought you might have wanted privacy to read her letter, and it gave you an opportunity to jump out the window again if it was too much,” he says with half a smile.

  “Thank you for the privacy, but I won’t be jumping out any windows any time soon.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “I’m a little emotional; Amanda must have been an amazing woman.”

  “She really was.”

  “I don’t ever want you to think I want you to forget her. She is still a part of you and Harlow’s lives, and now a part of mine; let’s remember her together, on good days and bad days.”

  “Did I tell you I love you already?”

 
; “Hmmm…. I vaguely remember someone telling me last night, but I might need to hear it again.” I say and Dex pulls me in closer to his body.

  “I do love you and I’m so lucky you forgave me. Also remember I said I love you because Winnie called me this morning and we are now having lunch at her house, you will learn quickly she has a special gift in making you do what she wants you to.”

  “I don’t mind having lunch at your sister’s.” I say.

  Dex failed to mention it wasn’t just us having lunch at Winnies, she invited everyone; Romeo, Sam, Morris, Rayne, Bells, baby Jagger, Jash and Joe. Robbie is cooking on the BBQ, arguing with Dex over who can cook the best. Dex complains she burns everything, and she is adamant it’s not burnt, it’s just sealed. The guys are all standing around them to see how this plays out.

  Jash and Joe are playing totem tennis and it’s getting heated, I can see this ending in a broken bat or ball. Sam, Harlow and Winnie are fussing over baby Jagger, while Bells brings out all the salads. Ty should be here soon, Bells said he had to stop somewhere first.

  I sit back and take in everyone, and it’s nice to watch people who love and care so much for everyone around them.

  The revving of an engine pulls me from my thoughts, Dex opens the side gates and I see Ty drive up, the car is beautiful. I admire it for a second and then get worried he has sold his baby, the Monaro he has built up from pretty much a rusty shell. Dex and Ty do a man hug and Dex gets in the car, I then realise it’s not Ty’s car, it’s for Dex. He gestures for me to come over.