Helpless

by H. Ward

  Ah, nice touch.

  The wheel starts to go in continual motion now; all the spots must be full. We rise into the dark night sky and the city is purely magical below us. I let out a sigh.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Jason responds to my sigh.

  I’m starting a new trend, I just nod.

  I feel two of his warm, large fingers on my jaw. He turns my head and tilts it to face him. He is staring hard into my eyes. My stomach flops. I can feel tingling and warmth deep inside me. There is no mistaking what his look means and there is no mistaking the instant response that my body gives that look.

  He must feel my body has gotten warmer under his touch. He leans forward and gives me a warm and lingering kiss. He pulls back and gives me that same deep look. I know I have left my lips slightly parted, suddenly I realize I am not breathing. My lips twitch into a smile as I hiss in some breath. Before I can say anything smart, he is kissing me again.

  Now with more passion. I part my mouth for him and our tongues brush and circle. I turn my body so I can press fully against his chest and we deepen our kiss. My hands are running along his back and pushing his solid body against me. He pulls me onto his lap so we are pressed against each other all along our fronts.

  His hands move along my dress. The silky material moves up with his petting. My legs are bared now, all the way up. His hands move to flesh and I actually shake in pleasure at feeling him lightly rub and then grip my upper thighs.

  We are in a semi-public spot, so we hold it at this level of heat and desire for the rest of the ride. As the ride starts to stop and then jerk and stop again, indicating the ride is over and we need to actually get out of our cozy capsule, we pull apart with sweet kisses. I smooth my dress while he still watches me with that deep and intent-filled stare. He is not smiling, he is fighting desire. I like that a lot. It has just soothed my inner voice; I am just here in this moment soaking in being desired and beautiful. But this is more than a grope in a strange bedroom. This guy knows me and is looking me right in the eye. The other old horny guys are just interested in touching what the English call naughty bits. Just touching me because I am pretty. They never know anything real about me, not even my name. My slutty name is Leah. I want Jason to start to call me Natalie from now on. Now how am I going to explain that to him?

  My thoughts stop as we kiss again and he hands me the roses to hold while he puts my shoes on. He caresses my ankle. He gives me that deep look again as he sits back up, getting ready to leave the capsule.

  Jason may be planning to connect with my naughty bits, but he is getting hot and satisfied just kissing me and looking at me. I can’t say all this is feeling different here than being touched by those other guys, but this is different; and I like it a lot.

  Jason folds up the blanket. I hold my roses close. We don’t say anything as we grab a cab and I finally give out my address. The ride is totally silent. I know it is because Jason is about to explode. Looks of anger and desire and then confusion are flashing over his face. If he hadn’t wound his leg around mine and rested his hand on my knee, I would be in total confusion by these strange emotions he is trying to hold in. But I chalk it up to the fact he got heated up and wants to get to it now—and is having a hard time waiting for the bedroom. I wish I had known what was really going on in his head. I wish I had analyzed the strange emotions a little more. I wish.

  When I lean into him, his arm goes right around me. So he can’t be angry with me, I must be right. He is just holding back his desire. Still, he is tense and looking out the window.

  A look of surprise flashes across George’s face as he opens the cab door for me. Does he ever have time off? He is used to seeing me get out of cabs or come strolling up all by myself. He is a professional and wipes the look off his face right away. He holds the door for us and we walk to the gold elevators. Now Jason’s hand is in the small of my back, ushering me along like a gentleman; but he is still not saying a word and his face is unreadable.

  “A drink please.” Jason’s voice is raspy. He makes this request as soon as we shut the door behind us. Because his hand is still warm and firm on my back, I still don’t feel any rejection from his odd behavior.

  I’m back with some scotch on ice in a lovely Waterford cut glass. I watch Jason knock half of it back. He finally looks me in the eye.

  “I’m sorry. I…I just…well, I am leaving tomorrow and I don’t want you to feel I am using you.” He hung his head down.

  This I can handle. Much better than the serial killer images that had started to run through my mind. That would have been just my luck with the first guy I bring up to my apartment.

  “I’m a big girl. I can handle things.” When I say that, his head snaps up and his eye look wild. Guess that may have been the wrong thing to say. I can see him actually force himself to calm down before he speaks.

  “You’ve got a lot to handle already. You shouldn’t have to handle me.” He finally grins a little at the possible sexual innuendo.

  He gulps more scotch. I see his lust has cooled with just those few words. Well, I’ll have none of that! I plan to see what sex with someone I like and want to go to bed with is like.

  I take the glass from his hand and ask if he wants more while I walk away. He says no. I pour more and bring it back to him. I snuggle up and into him as I hand him the glass.

  He takes it and sips this time. He is trying really hard to keep his emotions flat and make his escape. Ha, ha, ha—go ahead and try it, big boy. I know you are covering up passion under there, so now you have no chance to escape me.

  I settle on the sofa. “Well, at least sit down and finish your drink. And tell me if and when you are heading back to London.” I smack him with a professional tone and he is suckered in. He sits down and starts to talk a little.

  He says he will be gone about a week. Then he will be back as he has to set up his office in London. As he starts to tell me he will call me, I lift my body so that my lips are almost touching his as they move. His talking peters off. There is warmth building in the infinitesimal space between our lips. I am not touching him anywhere. I feel his breathing pick up as it washes over my lips. My lips curl into a smile.

  “Damn,” he whispers as he grabs me with both hands, grabbing at my waist and slamming me into him while his lips jump that last gap. This time as my dress rides up from his hands running along my legs, it goes up until it is around my waist. His hand then runs along my silk panties. He isn’t shy, he is sliding a finger along the leg bands; rubbing and stroking.

  I shudder again. I have never wanted a man so much. This is what people write about in books. The stuff I figured was all lies because I had been searching for it since I first lost my virginity, and for years after. And all I had been getting was just a momentary high of being the center of attention and holding power over some guy for a short period of time. Any release or fun or whatever never lasted more than an hour, if that.

  Tonight I have been ecstatic for hours and we haven’t even made it to the bedroom yet. Thinking this I let out a purring sound. That must have been too much for my man. He moans with me and takes us in a controlled rolled to the floor. He whispers in my ear, “If you don’t point me to the bedroom, the floor is going to be as far as I can get.”

  I wiggle my finger in front of his face, pointing down the hall. To my surprise he lifts me up; he carries me down the hall while biting on my neck. I am really starting to like this big, solid guy. I like being carried. We land on the bed. I wrap my legs around him and we both writhe in pleasure, pushing and sliding and just touching all over with every part of us.

  I have no idea how we finally end up naked. It happened piece by piece and during other kissing and feeling and rubbing. I can’t believe how I am totally lost in just the sensations. Our movements are not fast or slow, somehow we are just moving and tasting and feeling as we want to. I can’t believe how I am not even conscious as I make some warm purring sound when he enters me.

  I
really am not even here, but in such a good way. I am just feelings and warmth and purring. I lay back exhausted and sweaty when we are done. It must have been just the same with Jason as he wiggles us under the covers and sighs into my neck as we both fall asleep.

  I’ve never slept so well. Though my lumberjack is gone when I wake up, he has left a note on his pillow. He will call me when he finishes his meeting in Berlin and says thanks for the scotch. I laugh out loud..

  CHAPTER 7: A NEW NORMAL

  I skip around packing for my shoot. I call Aldo to verify when my plane leaves.

  “You are all sunshine and chipper this morning!”

  “Indeed I am, Aldo, dear. Do you want to analyze me or get me on my plane?”

  “Alitalia flight 473, be at the airport by noon, you have to double check the gate, they change them all the time. Listen, Nat-lee dear, get lots of sleep on the plane, they want to start shooting in the moonlight and the weather promises to be perfect. So be a dear and don’t scare them by being late.”

  “You got it, Aldo. Just make sure a car is waiting for me.”

  “I always do, my red-headed goddess. Now scoot with you and get going.”

  * * *

  The car is waiting. Aldo really is a reliable manager. Of course, I do realize it must be all self-interest. He has to treat me like the Diva I am and keep me rolling forward. He makes a healthy commission on all my work.

  Santorini in Greece in the summer is hot. The air is refreshing, coming in off the sea. I was hustled right to wardrobe as soon as my cab pulled up to the hotel. They tossed some white and gold string thing that barely covered anything at me. They put some matching strings in my hair and off to the cabana for some moonlit pictures. I have to admit the white and gold looks great in my hair. The barely there bikini also looks great. I am catching the attention of all the single males there.

  I flash lovely smiles directly at them, which the photographer loves as he snaps away.

  “Radiant! Now turn to your left and wave to that guy at the bar.” Camera Guy caught on that I was flirting like mad. It all worked splendidly. Camera Guy was almost in a paroxysm of joy. I would find out later that these pictures were slated to be second level adverts, but the CEO of the bikini line loved them so much, he paid a bonus to Aldo right away (I will get my share) and had them put on the cover and the main ads. Now that is an ego boost.

  I did get to see the rough prints the next day. They all really were wonderful. We did a shorter shoot in the daylight, then I had time to sightsee in the afternoon.

  I am shooing guys off me all day. They must have been lying in wait for me to walk free, but I was just playing with them. I feel like a teenager. If I were in school I would be scribbling Jason all over my notebooks. Instead, I just let my mind fill with his face and his feel. Funny, some of these guys are straight out 10s. Handsome and ripped with muscles. Rich boys on vacation. But I would trade the whole pack of them for Jason and his slightly imperfect face and bigger than normal waist and legs. I would trade all those white flashy smiles for one of Jason’s smaller but real smiles.

  When I get home, I unpack and set my clothes out for whoever does the laundry here. Maybe it is the maid? I think she is only one I make a paycheck out to. I hustle back inside and am waiting for my nightly phone call. Never much for small talk, Jason has called me every night. He keeps it short and sweet, just gives me a how are you and listens to me talk mostly and then we always seem to hang up within fifteen minutes. Thing is, I know this is unusual for Jason and these small chats are really out of character for him. They are new for me too. He is doing this for me, and I figure mostly for me to know I am not a one night stand for him. I know he would be fine just making a date for the next time he is in London and not talking to me for two weeks. He is doing this just to make sure I don’t start to feel bad.

  I realize I am over the moon for this guy.

  * * *

  He clicked his mobile off. He sucked in air like he had been smothered.

  Jason hung his head. He was in too deep. He had crossed the line of professional caring, and slept with a client. Well, not a client exactly, but a patient any way you looked at it. But she went beyond being a patient. She had turned into a friend over the two weeks they had explored London together.

  Jason had started out trying to analyze her, see if her father’s assessment of her trouble was correct. Yes, he had found the drugs and sleeping pills in her flat. He took one of each and had them run through a lab. The blue ones were over-the-counter sleeping pills. Easy to wean someone off of them. In fact, he noticed the number of blue pills was not really going down, so she must only be using a few a week now, instead of every night. An improvement without even spending mental work on it. The pink pills were some kind of uppers. Some kind of street specialty drug. Fortunately not as addictive as meth or heroine, but they were more hardcore than pot, and it would take a little more effort to get Natalie clean and clear of those.

  Still, she never took them in front of him. That in itself was a good sign. Jason saw signs that she realized it was wrong on some level and wanted to keep them and her using out of sight. Also, when she spent so much time with him, he knew she was not digging into her supply while she was playing tour guide, so the only possible time was before he picked her up or after he left. She was never out of control when he picked her up, so that meant if she did take any then, it would be only one pill.

  She did exhibit definite signs of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Sadly, the cause of this was usually severe childhood abuse and/or neglect. The treatment for NPD was not an easy one and not a fast one. It entailed teaching the person a whole new way of looking at the world and a whole new way of experiencing emotions. Success came only after building upon small victories and positive reinforcement. The other problem with NPD sufferers was that they felt there was nothing wrong with them, and any trouble they may have is caused by other people not respecting them as they should. That meant that few NPD sufferers ever sought treatment.

  That being the case, befriending Natalie was probably the best way to teach her new ways of processing emotions. How to open up to pain and how to let it go or look at it, depending on how strong one was when the pain flared up.

  In just a few weeks he had already seen improvement in the way that Natalie interacted with strangers and wait staff at restaurants. Her willingness to try things he suggested, like a big lunch their first time out, was starting to impress him. Along with that was coming respect for her. He had experienced a very nice childhood. Loving parents who made a few mistakes, but he was loved and cared for. Jason could only imagine the horror of being a child and knowing you were not the most important thing in your parents’ mind and heart. To overcome something like that, the human mind could create all sorts of barriers.

  But Natalie seemed to be trying. This strength was what was pushing Jason to cross the line. He didn’t know what to do, he had let himself get into a strange position of treating and being a friend, and keeping secrets. But one thing he did know, he was in deep and way too deep to walk away. He cared for this girl and had to come up with some way to keep helping her yet not cross that patient/therapist line again.

  He ran his hand through his hair. He only had a short while to figure something out. He told her he would be in London the next day and would pick her up for lunch. What a mess.

  * * *

  So my new normal life is going out with Jason each weekend and usually for one of the weekdays somewhere. On the weekdays Jason always seems to cut the evening short, kissing me at the door and giving me a squeeze and a hot look.

  On the weekends I revel in the anticipation of great sex to top the night off, but even more; of waking up in Jason’s arms and seeing his messed up hair and having breakfast with him.

  When he is in London, he doesn’t call me each day. He doesn’t call at all, actually. He makes plans when he leaves for the next time and then just shows up. When he is off to Berlin, he calls me
every night. Just a brief talk. Just letting me know he is thinking of me.

  This is a lot less than I hear that most people in a relationship talk, but for me it is heavenly. Suddenly there is someone solid in my life. Someone who isn’t telling me about all the things I have to change to make myself better. In fact, there have been a few times when I bring up things like my uneven tan, or gaining weight or my lack of female friends. Jason cuts me off. He actually got pushy with me once, telling me to stop thinking like that.

  Jason says that people can get into a loop of thinking negatively, and then what we tell ourselves starts to come true. He pointed out how worried I was about my legs being an unnoticeable shade of white darker than my pale arms. He insisted that no one would notice, and that within days the color evened out anyway. With a rare frown on his face he got me to admit that days of worry over this were wasted when it was something that always faded away in days with or without my attention and worry. Therefore, things like this were things I should just put more lotion on and then totally push from my mind.

  I was resistant at first, thinking he didn’t know the pressures of my particular career. But the slight coloring on my legs did fade away in a few days. I wasn’t able to do anything but put lotion on them anyway. Well, lotion and bronzer on my arms to try to darken them up a shade to match my legs. Jason was right, I worried for days, and it all worked out. Maybe I can let some other things just work out on their own like that. But they all seem so important to my career. Jason was right, so I guess I’ll try harder to take his advice when he brings something else like that up.

  After three months of bliss, I am not going to argue with success.

  Today I am sitting on my balcony, smelling early fall in the air. I’m flying to Jamaica for my next shoot. There was such good feedback from my bikini cover, that instead of a simple beach background shoot that was scheduled months ago; I am doing beach, jungle and hotel shots. I’ll be gone for just over a full week. I finish my coffee and head inside to pack.