Helpless

by H. Ward

  “What? What’s going on. If he is fine, what is shocking?”

  I really am fuzzy right now. My stomach growls and I blurt out, “I’m hungry.” Seems I had no control over blurting that out.

  “I’ll get you something, you must be starving."

  A nurse brought in a plastic cup of mushy fruit. I start to spoon small bites into my mouth. I have forgotten everything except that I am hungry and eating right now. When I set the little cup down I smile at my dad. He leans forward and touches my cheek. That’s nice. But then again, that seems wrong. Hum…

  Then my brain seems to blow away the fog it is in. I don’t pull back from his touch, but now I remember how he never really paid attention to me. My whole life he would just walk by and say something short and sweet and walk off and let the housekeepers do anything that needed to be done. That was from age fourteen on. Younger than that and I don’t really remember him at all. Once I moved in with him, I saw him maybe 5 or 10 minutes a day when he was home, and then he would be off filming for months at a time. After I left mom’s and moved to London with my dad, I practically raised myself. All alone in a different country and a big metropolitan city. The feelings of confusion, anger and loneliness wash over me.

  That drained the smile from my face. That’s right, I may love this guy, but I hate him too. So why is he sitting here touching my cheek like he loves me too? Or loves me now when he didn’t before?

  More fog blows away. I see Jason walking out of my dad’s home office. That’s what didn’t make sense. Jason was here earlier. He said he would tell me all about it later. Now Dad is here calling it a shock. What shock? I just don’t understand what Jason was doing at Dad’s house. That’s all. But my stomach is rolling now, that nasty little voice in my mind tells me there is some hurtful secret around all of this. I didn’t want to know.

  I turn away from Heath. I’m done talking. I just want to fall asleep and forget all of this. I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Soon I am actually asleep.

  This really was my brain’s way of handing the shock overload. There was something really wrong with Jason not only knowing my dad, but being in his house. My brain must have worked in the background while I was knocked out.

  I had met Jason through the ‘dating’ website. I used my middle name, like I always do when dealing with the site: Leah. But after a few dates and talking about my photo shoots and career, Jason noticed my name on the credits in one magazine. That’s when I told him that for strangers I never used my real name. It was the truth, not the whole truth, but the truth. So Jason has known exactly who I am and what I do for a long time. I never spoke about my dad, but we have the same last name and if Jason knew Heath from somewhere, surely this would have come up months ago?

  So there is more to this story. Has to be. What am I missing?

  I’m not ready to process it yet, but I now know something fishy is up. I will have to be on my guard. I fall asleep again.

  When I wake up this time, I am really hungry and Jason is in my room now.

  “Good to see you awake. Would you like water?”

  I am curt now. I feel like I’ve been made a fool of, but I don’t know how. Yet. “I’m hungry. Have the nurse bring me some real food.” I say this in the way I would command a maid before I met Jason, before I was a happy person. There is no happiness in my voice anymore. Just a Diva demanding her food. Just like I used to be. That is how I talked to people before, like they were just robots put on earth to serve me.

  I see that Jason has picked up on this; he is frowning but doesn’t dare say anything right now.

  This time the food is mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Or that is what it is meant to look like. I don’t care. I dig in. I wonder if they got the wrong chart and mine says lost teeth, why else are they bringing me baby food? I don’t care. I let my brain concentrate just on being hungry and eating food. This is one thing Jason has taught me, it helps quiet my brain so I am not fidgety and restless.

  “Are you feeling better?”

  I don’t answer. I don’t look at him. I sigh and look out the window.

  “If you’re up to it, I would really like to explain. But I don’t want to push you.”

  I have a feeling I should hear him out, but then again, it could just play me as a fool for even longer.

  “I never meant for this to go…” he starts to talk again since I haven’t cut him off. Jason is interrupted as the door to my hospital room swooshes open and Dad walks in.

  “What the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay away from my daughter. Get the hell out of here before I have you arrested!” Health advances on Jason, who is still standing close to my bedside.

  Jason moves away from Heath and heads toward the door. “I love you Natalie!” he shouts as he hurries through the door before Heath can shove him out.

  Now my brain starts to fog up again. He loves me? He, we, have never actually said that to each yet. I have felt it, and I have been sure he was feeling it. I think, thought, we were saving saying that for a special night, savoring the anticipation and the night of sweet love making that would follow.

  And Dad is going to have him arrested for visiting me here? And there is something that went too far? And neither of them is telling me what is really going on.

  “Shit, Dad. Tell me now. Tell me just what the hell you two have been doing and keeping from me.”

  “I didn’t know he started dating you! Why didn’t you tell me? I could have had him reported and fired earlier.”

  “Fired? Jason runs his own business. Why would I tell you who I am starting to date?”

  “No he doesn’t. He’s a broke college grad at his first job and he just f’d it up royally. Don’t worry, baby, I have sent in a formal complaint and he will have his license pulled.”

  “What? What? First job? What job? What license? He drives just fine.”

  “What? Oh, the car. Right. I have to have someone return that.”

  Now I am fogged up again. This really is beyond anything I can get a grip on. Anger starts to come up. I suppose it is coming out to protect me from this madness.

  “Just get out. GET OUT!”

  I’m so agitated that the nurse pushes my father out of my hospital room. She comes back to ask if I am ok. I say I’m feeling a little better, tired again. I ask her how long I can stay. Since my dad is paying for a private room and he is a movie star, the answer is: as long as I need to.

  I need to for a little while. This is outrageous and I still don’t really want to know what is going on. I think I’ll sleep again, let my brain do some more figuring out.

  * * *

  I wake up alone in my room this time. I think I prefer it this way. No extra confusion. I am feeling almost back to normal. I sit up and reach over to the side table and get my traditional wake up in the hospital drink of water. I stretch my legs and toes without really moving. Just to get some stiffness out. I crack my neck and then move my shoulders and arms and flare out my fingers.

  Now I feel even better. I finally swing my legs over the side of the bed and sit there. I don’t want to think, but I’m going to have to decide what to do.

  “Ah, Ms. Collins, so glad you seem to be feeling better. I’m Doctor Beck. Nice to meet you.”

  “Hello Dr. Beck.” I rub my eyes and wonder where this is going. I prefer to deal with nurses. I know if I push them, I can get whatever I want. Whatever I need. Doctors are another story. They seem to think they are as special as I am.

  A young nurse comes in and begins to take my vitals while the doc reviews my chart at the foot of the bed.

  “I am feeling much better, I think I’ll leave after breakfast.” I hope that puts him in his place.

  “Wonderful.” A pause as he finishes reading. “You are a bit of a celebrity around here. So how did you get into modeling?”

  He sits on the foot of my bed, seems relaxed and just chatting, but I have a feeling there is something more to what he is saying, some underlying reason h
e is pretending to chit chat. My first reaction is to tell him my life is none of his business and he can shove it. Still, part of this story is public domain, more or less; since I have a movie star as a father, some of this came out when I was 14 and moved to London. As the nurse starts to gather her things and walk out, I give an abbreviated version.

  “I can’t even remember. I was a toddler when my mother entered me into beauty contests and that led straight to some TV advertising. That led to magazine shoots for Bennington and other kid’s clothing and toy stores. I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember.”

  “And doing it well. You are basically at the top of your profession.”

  “Yes.” I smile; flattery goes a long with me. I like people who are smart enough to realize I am one of the best.

  “Your mother was an aspiring model too, wasn’t she? I don’t think she made it as far as you have, and you are so young.”

  “She was. She was the hit of Hollywood, but she and some friends got into a bad car accident when I was 8. She was injured so badly she’s been a wheelchair ever since. That ended her career.”

  “Ah, sorry to hear that. That must have been very difficult, to live with a mother going through such a traumatic change in her life.”

  Warning! Bells are going off inside my head. And a weird creepy feeling goes up my spine. I gave this abbreviated story to Jason months ago and those were almost his exact words to me. I shut down the story then, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen now.

  “It was fine. Say, doc; do you need anything else from me? I wanted to call for my breakfast and get back home and rest a little. Check in with my manager and get back to normal.”

  “I’d like to keep you here for a few more days. I know you are feeling better, and I’m very glad; but you have suffered a shock. It would be hard on anyone to find out that their boyfriend met them because he was hired by their father to watch over them. Then to find out that both of them kept it from you. You have to process it all. That takes time. We have some great doctors on staff who can help you work through it and I’d love to work with you if you are comfortable with me.”

  I am the queen of cool. I let him finish his little speech without showing him a Diva attitude. All I do when his finished is give him the smile that has raked in the money for me. Some people can do complicated things almost on automatic because it is part of their daily lives. My smile is that way; engaging, beautiful, makes other people smile back at me. It is all muscle memory and habit by now. But it works. The doc smiles back, waiting for my answer. It gives me the few seconds I need to get my heart beating again. To find what words I want to use.

  “I really am fine. We were only dating a few months, and this shock is not really shock. It is mostly the exhausting shoot I was on in Jamaica. I will be fine with a little more rest at home. Would you please get the paperwork ready so I can get back to my nice home and rest in familiar surroundings?”

  Mine was an award winning speech. With my smile pasted on my face, it works like a charm. He gives me his card in case I need it later, says that there is no shame in working through things with professionals and wishes me well.

  My mother fucked up my life.

  My father fucked up my life.

  Jason fucked up my life.

  I hate them all.

  I am going straight home and downing a bottle of the most expensive wine I have and knocking myself out for the night. Then I’m going to call Aldo and get myself booked solid so I will have no time to rest. No time to think. No time to feel this pain.

  CHAPTER 9: I WILL BE JUST A MODEL

  I make it home and call Aldo at once.

  “Oh, honey, I’m so glad you called. I wanted to call, but I know how much you hate it if your sleep is disturb, so I just kept in touch with Heath to make sure you were being cared for. So you are home now?”

  “Yes, and I want you to tell me what I have coming up.”

  “Are you up to it? I can change the dates if you need me to. We can afford to have you take some time off.”

  “No Aldo. I want to work. And I want you to cram my schedule as full as you can. All the way past New Year’s Eve.”

  “Well, let’s see.” I hear him clicking on a keyboard. “You have just a leg set coming up in Miami. I know you haven’t done just body parts for a while, but they are paying a premium for white and no freckles and you, my dear, were so blessed in that area. Then you have a gap of a week, then a snow shoot in Canada for some late spring ski fashions.”

  “Get me any jobs to fill in that week gap. I mean any. Then you can work out my schedule after the snow shoot. Got it?”

  “I do, I do. One more time and then I’ll buzz off…are you sure you are up to it? And also the holidays are coming up; I know you usually work anything during holidays but also go to Aspen for any time off…” Aldo trailed off.

  “I’m going to do the same this year, only I want you actively out there filling up my schedule until I barely have time to run to the bathroom. Do you get it now?”

  “Loud and clear, my fiery dear. Give me a day or two to book that middle week. I’ll ring you up with the travel plans.”

  We hang up and I start to pace around the apartment.

  I planned to just have some large quantities of wine to help me fall asleep. Instead I feel that old restlessness at being in a place, any place, alone. So I whip out my laptop and cruise the posts of guys wanting some companionship for tonight.

  The only one I find is a strange one, but one sure to keep me busy and surrounded by attention and things going on. Two brothers said they wanted to show off a pretty girl for their friends, and it was someone’s birthday in the group. I answer and get a reply back pretty quickly. So it’s all set. We will meet at a night club in the downtown area around ten.

  These boys should keep me busy until well past midnight, I can fall asleep and then call Aldo in the morning for a ramped up job schedule. I decide that I am starting to become too famous to the general population. I’ve always been recognized in A-list places; but not out on the street in normal clothes and makeup. But now my face and body have been on the covers of a few big circulation magazines, so I figure I better go to a hair dresser and get some temporary color put in, I’ll go darker so I look basically brunette and it will wash out in a few days. That will fill up my time today until it is time to head out tonight.

  The dark hair makes me look paler. I feel angry. I decide I will go slightly punk or gothic in the clothes I will wear, so I can really become someone else tonight. Not wild, if someone recognizes me and snaps pics, I don’t want it to look like I have gone off the deep end; that could hurt my career. But enough to look edgy, to look like a bad-ass girl.

  I totter out of my apartment in chunky black pumps, black and orange clothes that look pretty good with my new dark hair. It is already late, so I hail a cab. Besides, the club is only a few blocks away, but I don’t want to break an ankle on the walk over there. These are shoes where optimum use is having a boyfriend to hang onto while walking in them.

  The club door is black with swirling dots and colors. The bouncer is huge. I think his arms are as thick as my little waist. I can hear the music already and the door is closed. My looks get me waved right to the front of the line. I give Mr. Bouncer the name of the guy I am here to meet. He says he reserved a table in the VIP section and tells me to hold on.

  He comes back in a second with a waitress who is going to show me to the table. That’s good because the place is so packed I really can’t walk, let alone look for someone who I have only seen a computer picture of. The VIP section is a raised section, not exactly another level but about half a floor above the dance and bar area. It is roped off and I have to go up three steps. The waitress opens the ropes for me and closes it once I start up the steps. There are a dozen tables. Mine has six guys who have already started their party.

  “Hi, I’m Leah.” I stand with my hands on my hips.

  “I’m the birthda
y boy, Sven!” An attractive blonde guy stands up and hugs me. Ok, a little forward, but I can handle it.

  “You look hot in black, honey,” says one of the other guys. I give him a playful look.

  “Whose buying my drinks?” I smile at Sven. He may be the birthday boy, but I am here to be pampered. And that doesn’t include me buying my own drinks!

  “What’s your poison, love?” Yet another guy at the table leans forward and speaks up. This one must be the money bags. He is pulling out a wad of cash.

  “Cranberry martini.”

  “Coming up.” He jumps up and disappears in the crush of people, vaguely headed toward the bar.

  The music is so loud we have had to shout to be heard and are standing clustered together or sitting right at the table. I don’t care. Though I usually like a guy to talk to keep my mind occupied, the music is so loud and the crush and movement of people trying to dance is so chaotic, that my mind is occupied by just observing.

  “Here you are.” Money Bags hands me my pretty red drink. I notice he sits another red drink on the table. He sees me looking. “It takes too long to swim through the dance floor.” He is shouting. “I have you all taken care of for the next one.” He gives me a wink. Blah. But he is right and now at least I won’t have to wait for my next drink.

  The guys are knocking back shots and chasing them with beer. I sit and they chat and laugh. They all make sure pictures are taken with me so they can show them off to other friends.

  I sit on Sven’s lap and lean in for a sloppy, tongue heavy kiss. It is really gross. That’s my reaction to it. Nothing warm and lovely like a kiss with someone I love. But that is behind me now. I’ll slobber over this fool because it is making him hard and he is bragging about me to his friend sitting right beside him. Friend leans forward and pulls my head over to him and slathers a tongue along my lips. Gross. Then he shoves it in my mouth and I tongue him right back. This is a show for every table around us. I even hear some cheering and clapping.