Helpless

by H. Ward

  “Good girl. Sit there until I come around to help you out.”

  “Sit.” I nod.

  We pull up in front of a high rise building. Definitely not a restaurant. Not anywhere near the Sky Deck he said he rented out just for us for the whole night. This high rise is a little dingy. Not up to my standards. I’m not going to want to touch anything.

  John fairly bounces around the front of the massive gas guzzler. He is smiling and actually whistling. He opens my door. I lean out toward him. He props me up and reaches in to unlatch my seatbelt. I feel him squeeze my breast as he backs out. Now I have a frown on my face again. I am too foggy to react like a normal person, but nobody gets to squeeze my boob without putting in the time and money first. I am frowning only because this is just not the way things should go.

  John has me lean on him as I slither out of the high seat I am in and into his arms. “You are going to walk to the door with me like a good girl, aren’t you?”

  “Um hum.”

  We start to move. I’m sure to the few people looking on this looks like a couple where the girl has just had a few too many. But at least I am still frowning, trying to puzzle out the boob grab. And bless my Manolos – the high thin heels slide right into a crack in the sidewalk a few paces away from the grubby door and I fall down. The movement of my trip must have been too sudden for John to get a good enough gripe to hold me up.

  A few people come over to help me to my feet. I try to waive them away.

  “Thanks but I’ve got her. She just had too much to drink and we just need to get up to our apartment now.”

  “Don’t live in this dirty place,” I declare. My brain may be fogged, but I’ve got twenty years of pursuing perfection. This building is seedy and run down. Even drugged I don’t want to go in and touch anything in there.

  “Want to go back to hotel now.”

  That was enough to cause the people who rushed over to help my beautiful self begin look strangely at John. Now instead of waiving one away, I reach out a pretty little white hand and grab an arm. The guy puts his hand over my hand and moves closer to me.

  “I have a feeling this is not your girlfriend.” The stranger squares up with John. The other two move until all three are kind of in a line facing John.

  “That’s right. Now let me get her inside and get her some coffee.”

  “Don’t like your special drinks, wanna my hotel.”

  Not too elegant as speeches go, but the point seemed to get across to the strangers and John knew he had lost. He stomped back to his Hummer and squealed tires as he sped off.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Natalie.” I’m still under the influence of that drink and happy to be helpful.

  “What hotel are you staying at?”

  “Pan Sific. Pific.”

  “The Pan Pacific in downtown?”

  I smile.

  The people have a discussion between themselves as to should they get a cab for me, go with me, or even take me to the local hospital. At the mention of hospital I get agitated so they promise not to take me. What they actual do is take me to a small café and get me some coffee, ice water and a scone. They figured the scone would soak up anything in my stomach and they could watch to see if I was going to get worse and have to go to a hospital, or a little better and they could ride with me in a cab to the hotel.

  All I said for a while was, “Fattening,” as I nibbled the scone. But I ate it all and drank my coffee and water. I was a little better. I insisted that I could take a cab by myself, but they all three piled in with me and walked me to the front desk and made sure a few hotel staff members were surrounding me before they left.

  I was helped to my room and collapsed on my bed. I fell immediately into a deep sleep.

  * * *

  I missed my shoot start time in the morning. I woke up to the harsh ring of my hotel phone. Aldo was frantic. I just never was late for my job. I slurred that I was fine, I was just running late and to hold the car downstairs until I could get it together. Aldo insisted on talking with me until he heard the shower run and made me promise to call him when I get in the car. What a mess.

  I take a barely warm shower so I can jumpstart myself awake. Then I toss on my clothes and just tie my hair back in 4 ponytail loops so it looks put together and the wardrobe people can take care of me. I am actually horrified that I am keeping my crew waiting. I am a Diva, but I never do the late thing. For some reason that is my one trademark and I am proud of it.

  My head is still a little fuzzy as I check in with Aldo. I tell him it was something I ate, that I am actually not feeling 100% but can do the shoot. I tell him I feel so bad for being late and ask if he can arrange for a smashing lunch to be delivered and maybe some small presents for the crew. To make up for the time they are just standing around waiting for me and to do damage control, like my dad does. Keep them happy and they won’t complain to the media.

  This was one little slip and I don’t want the word to get out.

  As I am standing in wardrobe getting a little foundation sprayed on and waiting for my makeup to set, I realize how close I came to being raped or even murdered last night. I almost cry and the girl doing the spraying notices.

  “Ms. Collins, are you alright? Can I get you anything?”

  “Oh, sorry, it was just something I ate last night; and I feel bad I overslept and kept you all waiting.” I lie, I mean, I can’t tell this girl I’ve never seen before that it is hitting me just how close I came to something disgusting and violent last night.

  My throat constricts. “Can you get me some chipped ice to suck on? That should coat my stomach.” I remember how they really did help during those times my mother would starve me. My body jumps at the casual way my brain just threw that at me! What about suppressing those memories? That’s how I operate. I’m not supposed to remember anything from those dark days.

  Last night must have weakened my brain barriers. I don’t like it. I don’t want to think about Maya and those years of torture. I shake my head and reach out for my ice chips.

  “Am I almost ready? I want to get in front of the camera as soon as I can so we can get caught up.” I lie again. I want in front of the camera so I can start to pose and smile and do my job and keep any more memories from ambushing me like that last one.

  I manage to push any childhood memories away as I stroll out in front of the crew. I operate on automatic for well over an hour. We are taking a break for a scene update and I am sitting in a lounge chair sipping on some pineapple mix. My brain reminds me of what almost happened to me last night. Then it flashes to Jason treating me so well and setting up that private capsule in the giant Ferris Wheel. It is like night and day.

  Unbidden, my thoughts plow forward. There is no way Jason could ever be the kind of scummy man who would take advantage of a woman like whatever John had planned for me. But he did, didn’t he? In a different way? But no, he tried not to have sex with me at first. He tried to keep it friendly. Is it possible he really did fall in love with me? No, he was doing it for the money, to get his career started. I know deep down I have too many problems for a normal guy like Jason to love me.

  I fuss, I cross my legs. Then I can hear my mother’s voice yelling at me to uncross my legs so I don’t get varicose veins or any marks that others can see. Unconsciously I uncross my legs.

  I try to push everything from my mind and get back to work.

  CHAPTER 13: THE HOLIDAYS

  I’m back in London. My place is quiet. I pop a booster and walk out onto the terrace. I think how I always come out here to look down and feel the open space and watch the bustle of people when I am feeling restless.

  I think back to my time with Jason. He took the restlessness away. Could that all have been fake? I realize I have an actual longing inside me now. Before I lived my life, but had no joy. When I finally learned how to feel joy, something went terribly wrong. I countered that with anger and shutting myself off from feelings again. That last
ed for a little while.

  But that close call shook me up, opened my brain back up and now I am too worn out to be angry. All I know is that now I just long for a safe place to be. A mother to run to? I wish. Maybe I should call her. Then I think about Jason. Could I ever find someone like Jason again? Strong and manly, not fake. Someone who will be by my side. I sigh.

  I look at the pill in my hand. I brought one out to the terrace table with me. I planned on taking it soon, to keep a steady flow of the boosters running through me. I know it is wrong, just a way to help me keep emotions down and keep me numb. I sigh again. I just don’t know what to do. I want to hear Jason’s side of the story now, but it has been over a month and not only have I refused to talk to him, but I have slept around with strangers in my relentless push to never be alone. I imagine he won’t be able to forgive such trashy behavior.

  I am too exhausted to care, to think, to try. I give up and swallow my pill followed by a wine chaser. I think I’ll just fade off to sleep tonight and I have to travel tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll stay semi-drunk until then.

  * * *

  I look around at the small cabin and snort. It was a gift from Heath, another attempt to buy my love. Looking at it, it is obvious he does not know me at all. It is one of those tiny four room places (bedroom, kitchen, den, bathroom) with a fireplace that people call ‘cozy’ to make it seem better. Yeah right, tiny and cramped is more like it. At least it is decorated just like my place in London. White sofa, white plush throw rugs on the floor. So everything is soft and white or wood colored. Nice and expensive.

  The plane ride yesterday had been uneventful. I stayed drunk the whole time and made the flight attendants do whatever I wanted to keep myself entertained. And now I am bored again. Maybe I should arrange a meeting with someone on the site to liven things up.

  I brush that idea away. I guess I am still a little shaken up about the last time I did that. Instead, I decide I will go clubbing. It is only nine o’clock in the evening, but that doesn’t matter to me. I want to get out and move, so I’ll go and be fashionable early.

  I make my way to my closet and stumble a little. I was more drunk than I thought. I am feeling a little hang-over from the flight. I must have just ignored how I felt during my shopping today. I may have to turn in at a decent hour. I briefly think about staying here, but no, I have to get moving or I’ll go insane.

  I pull out a stunning dress, strapless and with a plunging back. This one is an eye-popping golden color. I slide into it and pose in front of the mirror. My red hair catches the light and shines. I notice my cheeks are a little red and frown. I pull out some foundation and pack it on so that no redness will show even if I dance all night. Finally satisfied, I head out.

  ***

  I glide past the bouncer and make my way into the club. I knew there was no way he would stop me, no way I would wait in line. The club is packed and rap music is booming over the speakers. People are dancing hot and heavy and there are couples at all the tables. It is obvious that the owners tried to decorate a little for Christmas and there is mistletoe hanging from the ceiling in several places. Besides the mistletoe, the club is sparsely decorated with the tables covered a red holly design and not much else. It looks like an airplane, which is probably the point. On one side of the club is a long bar, and on the other side are some tables and a dance floor.

  I make my way to the bar and the bartender slides me a drink before I can even sit down. I smile. I never have to buy my own drinks, and it looks like this time will be no exception. I wait for the bartender to point to the man who bought it but instead he leans close and shouts over the music.

  “Your drinks are all paid for tonight. A man called a few days ago and said you would probably be in. He said to tell you his name was Heath.” I am disgusted. I think about pushing the drink away but instead I use it to wash down a booster. I can’t believe it. Another attempt to buy my love. Another attempt to get back into my good graces after what he did to me. Another attempt to use money to get to me.

  Angrily I motion for another drink. If Heath wants to pay, fine, then I’ll make him pay big time. A few drinks later I shout to the club that the next round is on me. A cheer goes up and the bartender looks stricken as orders pour in. I smile smugly to myself and lurch to my feet. The club swims around me and I tilt backwards before regaining my balance. I walk carefully to the dance floor and squeeze into the mass of people. I am jostled and bumped several times but I don’t care.

  Now all I need is a dance partner and some drunken sex to take my mind off Heath and Jason. I look around and zero in on a well-dressed, very hot young man who looks like he has some money to spend. I look up and realize that he’s standing under some mistletoe. Perfect. I put my award-winning smile on my face.

  I walk up to him and immediately grab his shoulders to pull him into a kiss. Best to be forward about what I want. I am shocked when I feel his hands on my shoulders pushing me away. I see a horrified look on his face and recoil. “I’m sorry,” he shouts, “but I’m with someone. We’re here celebrating Christmas together.”

  A girl walks up behind him. She is nowhere near as pretty as I am and I cannot believe he would turn me down for her. Then I see them looking at each other and I realize that they are in love. I can see it in just the way their eyes lock. Thoughts of Jason flood my mind and dimly I am aware that tears are starting to run down my face and ruin my makeup.

  I run from the club and flag a cab. I direct the driver to hurry and I am back at my cabin in record time. I fly into the den and boot up my computer. I think of the couple, getting ready to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together and my blood boils. I am beautiful and rich. There is no reason I can’t have someone to spend Christmas Eve with too. I deserve it.

  I go to my site and make a post. Within minutes I have a response. I don’t even bother to check his profile. I accept. Tomorrow, I will spend Christmas Eve with this man, and I will not be alone.

  CHAPTER 14: CHRISTMAS EVE

  Jason banged his fist off his desk, sick of the phone ringing. He was also sick of doing just paperwork and tidying up around the office. He sighed and admitted to himself that it was more than that. He was worried about Natalie. She had left for Aspen for the holidays and he had been unable to follow her. He just didn’t have the money to pay for a transcontinental flight in his current predicament. He was caught up in this investigation and not being able to really do anything was leaving him frustrated and angry.

  The phone rang again and he was tempted to just rush off, go down the hall and sulk in the restroom. He did not want to deal with one more conversation about his motivations or his conduct. They had been calling him nonstop and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. If the call wasn’t about him, then all he could do was take a message and pass it on to another therapist. It was all so frustrating.

  On top of all that, it was also frustrating to be so worried about Nat. He was thinking about Natalie, about what she was doing, if she was drinking and doing drugs because of him. His insides twisted with pain at that thought.

  The phone rang again, for the thousandth time that day, and he decided that they weren’t going to leave him alone until he answered.

  “What?” He growled angrily into the receiver.

  “Jason, thank goodness! I’ve been trying to reach you all day.” It’s Aldo’s voice that greeted him, not one of the people handling the inspection. Instantly Jason became alarmed. He hadn’t heard from Aldo unless he was being updated on Natalie, and if he had been trying to call all day, then this couldn’t be good.

  “What’s going on?” Jason demanded not bothering to hide the fear in his voice.

  “It’s Natalie. I heard that she was drinking heavily and she had had an incident in a club. A man turned her down because he was with his girlfriend and she ran out. I decided to check up on her after that. She wouldn’t answer her phone. I was forced into the criminal world! I’m afraid I breached her privacy and hacked her
computer…”

  As Aldo let his voice trail off, a moment of silence grew.

  “Yes, and what happened?” Jason was frantic at this point.

  “She has set up another meeting with a man from her sugar daddy sight. But this man, I am sure he is dangerous. I looked into his background. There is nothing with his name at all. So I know it is totally false. However, there is a man with a name close to his that is a known criminal and he has been arrested before for assault a few times. You must stop her from meeting him!”

  Cold dread crept through Jason. He glanced at the clock and noticed it was just after six o’clock at night. He would need to get on a flight right away to make it to Colorado in time to cut in on this “date.” It will nearly drain his bank account, but Natalie was worth it. Aldo told him when and where they were planning on meeting. Jason told him he was on his way and slammed down the phone.

  ***

  I open my eyes and the light makes my head ache. I glance out the window and realize it is snowing. I groan and flop out of bed. I still have on the dress from last night and I peel it off quickly. I grab a booster from my bedside stand and go to the kitchen to get some wine to wash it down with. I swallow quickly and go to the bathroom to take a shower. When I am done, I go back to the kitchen to pour some champagne. In the den I see my laptop open and I remember that I have a date for tonight. It hits me that it is Christmas Eve. I know that in the bedroom closet somewhere (this place has a huge walk-in closet, Heath at least had some sense) there is a box with a fake tree and Christmas decorations but I am not going to put them up. It is too depressing to think of a warm family scene when I am all alone.

  Inside, a voice starts to cry – crying out wondering what I did so wrong. Why I don’t have normal parents, why no one can love me. I have to keep moving to quiet that voice up. I have to remind myself how successful I am.

  I begin to plan for my night out. I guess I should get into the Christmas theme a little because I will be expected to. My red hair, at least, will go with the theme. I decide to have my nails done red and I will wear bright red lipstick and a dark green dress. Not my best shade of green but any green will look good on me so I don’t mind. I finish a third glass of champagne and call a cab to take me to the nearest upscale nail salon.