Always Mine

by Sam Elswit

  He held up his big mitt of a hand in demonstration. I urged him to keep eating. He took a quick bite from his food, chewed quick and swallowed hard.

  “The full moon brightened up her gorgeous face; I tell you I wish I could have framed that sight and stared at it forever. I leaned in close, and as I did-”

  “You kissed her, blah blah blah,” Joshua said.

  “Nope, I stopped because I heard a loud popping noise coming from my new truck.”

  Joshua seemed intrigued now as the story continued. He turned from the window and leaned against the sill.

  “I was damn furious,” he continued, “And rightfully so. But, before I could start cussin’ up a storm, Matty put her hand on mine, leaned over, and gave me the biggest kiss I’d ever had. All that pent up frustration just melted away the second her lips pressed to mine.”

  I felt a swell of emotions build up in my throat. I wondered if I would ever be with someone whose mere touch could calm me down. Could Phillip be that person? I’d be lying to myself if I said yes.

  “My head cleared up, and I came to an idea in the moment,” he said, “I yanked the tire right off the truck, tied a hunk of rope to one side, then climbed out to the thickest branch and tied the tire right there. Every time I saw it it’d remind me of that moment I shared with your mother, Joshua.”

  It was clear that I wasn’t the only one choking up. Joshua stepped past me to the door, leaving his half full cup of chili on the serving platter. I would have gone to him to try to help clear his head, but I got the feeling that I was part of the reason his head wasn’t clear.

  “How did you know that was when she fell in love with you?” I asked.

  “It was pretty clear when she tore off her Sunday clothes and leapt into the river with nothing but her birthday suit on. We shared a passionate night right there on the riverside. I swore to God and whatever was around me I would never let her go. And, I never did right up until the moment she passed.”

  His smile was met with sad tears that streaked down his face. I leaned over him and gave him a warm embrace that he so urgently needed; one that I urgently needed. Hearing about the tender moments that he had with someone that he loved like that, I knew I needed to find a way to tell Joshua how I felt about him, even if he came to hate me afterward.

  Just like his father, I would do it tomorrow; the earliest I could manage. Even if he didn’t feel at all the same at least my mind would be clear.

  I let the old man return to his sleep, creeping from the bedroom to be met by Joshua’s door slightly creaking open. He sat on his window sill, his legs dangling out the open window. The light of the moon bathed the room; illuminating his footprints in the dust.

  I sighed.

  Chapter 12

  Joshua

  I slept in late. By the time I managed to get out of bed, the morning work was complete, breakfast was already cold and waiting on the stove, and Isaiah was working diligently on the fence. I poked at what remained of the eggs in the pan.

  The rhythmic thumping of the hammer was the only sound that resounded though the house. I’d spent all night thinking of what to say to Isaiah. Honestly, it was a night wasted. I was just as clueless now as I was yesterday by the river.

  Should I ask him about his man, Phillip? Should I tell him that I kind of, sort of like him? I wasn’t sure how to approach either of the subjects. If I talked about Phillip he would be angry that I’d spied on him. If I tell him I like him then where would we be then? He’s still in a relationship.

  I was so confused. But, I was a man of my own word. Despite my confusion I told myself that I would help him at least finish one thing around here. The fence was a little over half way complete, maybe if we worked hard today we could finish it and I could get back to college early.

  I knocked the dirt from my boots and tugged them on, then slipped on my work gloves. He paid no mind to the opening and closing of the front door. Nor did he seem to pay any mind to me approaching from behind.

  “Mornin’” I said.

  “Ah, hey. More like ‘afternoon’ now though,” he said. He was nervous. His voice was flaky and unsure.

  “I guess so,” I said, trying to remain mostly calm, “Let’s just get this thing done today, okay?”

  “Right,” he said, still shaky. His hands returned to the work, but his movements weren’t like his regular smooth strikes. He was stiff and uncoordinated.

  “Do you want me to take a turn?” I wondered.

  “No, I got it,” he replied. He struck again, but his heart wasn’t into it. I stepped up and tried to wrestle the mallet from his hands.

  “Really, it’s fine. I’ll take a turn for a little bit,” I urged. He pushed me off with ease. He was still much stronger than I was. “Stay back, I got this.”

  I did as I was told. For a few minutes longer I watched him continue in the futile task. He looked over at me with a slight smirk at the corner of his mouth. I’d seen that look before. I was finally starting to understand what his sideways glances meant. This one was about his pride, but there was something more, something he wanted to say but was holding back.

  “What is it?” I asked, honestly, “Just get it out. What’s on your mind?”

  He lifted the mallet high in the air, with this swing he struck stake slightly to the right. The wood splintered at the top from the force of the blow. He returned the hammer to waist level, holding it across his body with both hands.

  “I really…” he trailed off, playing with his grip on the mallet.

  “It’s okay,” I replied, “There isn’t much you can say that would surprise me.” He lifted the mallet above his head. His body seized with a sudden power as he brought the hulking best down to meet the stake. The force of the blow caused the already mashed stake to splinter further. The head of the hammer wedged into the wood as a sliver of wood shot out.

  I could see it all in slow motion again. The splintered stake was headed straight for me, its rough edges like a knife, ready to tear into anything they met. I raised my hands to protect my face, waiting for the impact of the shrapnel but was met with confusion when nothing hit. I lowered my hands to see Isaiah, bleeding. He interdicted his arm between me and the post to protect me from the offending piece of wood which had burrowed its way under his skin.

  He yelled aloud from the pain, dropping the mallet to the ground only to grasp at his arm with his good hand. Blood rushed from the wound. I stood agape staring at the crimson ichor that flowed freely from his arm. My heart beat fast with worry.

  “Shit,” I said, “shit shit shit.” I tore off my shirt when I came to my senses and wrapped it around the upper portion of his arm to stop the bleeding. “Wait right here!” I said hastily.

  I ripped off my gloves as I ran inside the farm house to search for the first aid kit. It waited for me in the bathroom where we always kept it, along with some alcohol to clean out the wound. My heart pounded loudly in my chest. I knew an arm wound probably wouldn’t be fatal, but seeing someone I cared about injured trying to protect me added a lot of haste to my movement.

  “What happened?” Dad shouted from his bedroom.

  “Nothing, Dad. Go back to sleep,” I replied. I heard a few coughs erupt from his room, nothing I hadn’t heard before. Isaiah was injured and needed my help.

  When I returned, Isaiah was sitting on the edge of the porch, pulling the splinter of wood from the wound which he held tightly. The shirt I’d left wrapped around his arm was stained permanently red but still held firm.

  “I took a few first aid classes in college, let me see what I can do,” I said. I pulled off the blood drenched shirt. The wound still flowed freely. I dumped some alcohol on a towel and covered the wound. It was large enough that it might require a couple stitches. Lucky for him, I’d taken more than just a first aid class in college.

  “This is probably going to hurt, but we need to close the wound fast. I’m going to stitch it closed,” I said.

  “Stitches? I thought yo
u said you just took first aid,” he said, exasperated. I sanitized a needle and threaded the back side as he spoke.

  “I may have taken an EMT course because a girl I liked was taking it,” I realized I said too much with the last part. Isaiah went silent. I worked as fast as my fingers would allow. He yelped with the first stitch, but grew accustomed to it with the ones that followed. “I thought I liked her, anyway. Turns out she was a career girl.”

  I should have just kept my mouth shut.

  “Is there someone special right now?” he asked. I shook my head no. I thought I saw a smile cross his lips but it could have just been him flinching from the pain. He leaned in close to watch my stitching. My hands trembled as he watched. It felt as though a spotlight were shining above my head, his breathing burrowed into my neck.

  His other hand found my shoulder. My head began to swim with excitement and trepidation. There was a fine line that was rapidly disappearing. I tied off the remnants of the stitching.

  “Okay, that should hold-” I started to say, but my words were cut off by his sudden kiss. His lips found mine and each second they stayed locked together made me beg for just a second longer. All the thoughts and worries I’d held just a little while ago fell away. The only thing that mattered was this moment.

  It felt so right, yet so wrong all at the same time. I was still convinced that I was straight; this had to be a passing fad. But, I wanted this so much. The pressure from his lips against mine was throwing my mind for a loop. My heart beat faster than it had a moment ago. Still, I couldn’t shake the sudden feeling that this was wrong. And yet, it felt so right. If I really didn’t want him to kiss me, I would have shoved him off straight away. What about Phillip? No. What he was doing wasn’t fair to the person he was already with. How could I tell him? I pulled myself away.

  “After the story your dad told last night, I realized I needed to do something soon. I didn’t know you felt the same way,” he said.

  “I can’t…” I replied, not knowing what else to say. The smile left his face. What was I supposed to tell him? It would prove that I was the one listening in on him at the store; no doubt he’d be angry with me. But, I had to tell him something. In the end, I knew I should just tell him the truth. “I saw you at the grocery store the other day with … Phillip.”

  He pulled himself away. His gaze left me feeling alienated and alone. I regretted saying so the second the words left my mouth. He turned away, furrowing his brow as though trying to make sense of what I was saying. Anger flashed over his face, but was replaced by something I didn’t recognize.

  “I thought I saw you there,” he said with a sigh, “I didn’t know how to ask you.” He laughed. “Honestly, it’s okay. If anything I’m just relieved that you’re the one who saw and not some other slack-jawed yokel.”

  “It’s not just that,” I said, “I really don’t know what I want. After seeing you with him…” I couldn’t form the right words.

  “Forget about him,” he said. “This,” he grabbed my hand and held it against his chest, “This feels so right,” he pleaded. “If it’s all because I was with Phillip the other day then I’ll make it right.”

  I started wrapping his arm with a bandage. The bleeding had slowed to a crawl. I dabbed the rest of the blood I could from around the wound as I covered it with the wrap.

  “Up until a day ago I was straight,” I started, “Now, I’m not so sure. But, the last thing I want to do is get involved with a man that’s already in a relationship.”

  “As I said, I’ll make things right with Phillip. I’ll do it right now,” he said.

  “He was asking you to move in,” I said, “that must mean something to you. It’s not something you can make right in a single afternoon.” Isaiah was silent. I knew I’d struck a nerve.

  “If he and I weren’t together, would you really consider giving us a shot?” he asked.

  “I’m not sure,” I said. I couldn’t bear having this conversation any longer. “I’m just confused, okay? Once I go back to college, I’ll start dating again and go back to being normal.”

  “There is normal!” Isaiah urged. I inspected the bandage, tugging on the edge to make sure it wouldn’t come loose so easily. I was proud of my work. Yet, I had nothing else to say to Isaiah. I snapped the first aid kit closed and started toward the front door.

  I was fixated on him. I think he knew that I was really just using Phillip as an excuse. What was I supposed to say to him? I couldn’t start anything with him right now. I just couldn’t. Whether he was with Phillip or not, I would have to leave soon. My bus back to school left in just a few days. In reality I didn’t want to lead Isaiah on. I knew what it was like to raise your expectations only to have them dashed by the awful truth.

  My trance was snapped by the loud coughing from upstairs. How had I missed it? See what love does, it makes you blind to reality. My father could be breathing his last and here I was dealing with a man that didn’t know how to take no for an answer. I bolted up the stairs, skipping almost half the flight with a single stride, tearing into my dad’s bedroom to find him gasping for air.

  A lump formed in the back of my throat that I couldn’t choke down. I panicked in the moment, unsure of what I should do. Even the EMT course I’d taken in school hadn’t prepared me to see a loved one in such a state.

  Joshua sprinted up behind me and shoved me out of the way. He reached behind the bed for an oxygen tank that I didn’t know existed, handing the mouthpiece to dad when he was sure the air was flowing. I was glad that Joshua was here right now, in this moment because he knew what to do.

  After a moment the gasping subsided. I couldn’t stand to watch anymore. Every memory with my father flooded back into my head, tarnished by the sight of him gasping for air. The sudden realization that soon I would be the only member left of my family caused me to shut down.

  Isaiah stayed behind with my father to make sure things were alright. I returned to my bedroom as a bundle of nerves, I didn’t bother to shut the door. I sat myself on the window sill as I had last night, choking on the tears that I wished I could release. A few minutes passed and I heard a knock at my door.

  “Yes?” I shouted.

  Isaiah’s head popped through a crack in the bedroom door, he joined me inside and closed the door slightly.

  “That’s the worst one I’ve seen yet. I don’t think he has long now,” he said. On some level, I knew what he said was probably true, but begged for it to be false. I sat in silence, listening to the pitter-patter of his feet disappearing down the stairs.

  If I was going to make any new bonds, I needed to mend a bond that had long since been broken. I needed to finally reconcile with my father.

  I deserved that much, and so did my father.

  Chapter 13

  Isiash

  Joshua needed time; that much was clear. I’d packed myself into the truck and started my way down the road towards town. My arm still ached from the stitches that held the wound closed. Every movement was met with a groan, but each was a heaven compared to the hell that my heart had been put through.

  I confessed with a kiss.

  He reciprocated, too. All he had to do was admit that he had feelings for me and everything would have been fine. I didn’t even care that he’d seen Phillip and I. I was sad that he hadn’t told me anything sooner, but it was easy to forgive.

  Phillip.

  Why did he have to use my relationship with Phillip as an excuse? I could have easily told him the truth; I didn’t feel anything real with Phillip. He was the only gay man in a hundred miles; did I really have much choice? Thinking about the truth of the situation I started to feel bad for the man I’d been leading on for so long. Did I really need to follow my dick so much that I’d fuck the only eligible man in town?

  I felt so dirty. It was a sludge that stuck to my skin and I knew of only one way to cleanse it free; I had to finally let Phillip go. Even if Joshua would never speak to me again, I had to clear my mind and
my conscience.

  I couldn’t get Joshua’s tear filled eyes out of my mind. If only I could console him; I wanted to let him know that there was still someone in the world who cared about it, maybe even loved him. The emotion caused my heart to beat fast. The roar of the truck engine did little to drown out the sound that filled my ears with its constant dull thud.

  What was I supposed to do?

  I pulled the truck to a halt outside the empty store. Phillip smiled when he saw that it was my truck, I saw him plainly through the large bay windows that looked out at the lot. Now that I was here, I paused. How could I tell Phillip without breaking his heart?

  “Howdy stranger!” he shouted as he pressed open the door. I eased myself out of the truck, being extra ginger with my arm. Phillip’s smiling face melted into shock when he saw the bandage. “What happened?” he shouted, rushing to my side to inspect the wound.

  “Nothing, don’t worry about it,” I said, slamming the truck door closed and eagerly pacing toward the back room of the store. A lot needed to be said and none of it needed to be said in public. “Let’s talk inside,” I said as he followed close behind.

  “Should I call the doctor?” he asked.

  “Maybe,” I replied, “it’s fine for now.”

  “It sure as hell doesn’t loo fine,” he said.

  I said nothing as I pushed through the familiar employee door and into the storage room. Phillip wouldn’t stop pawing at the bandage like a helpful puppy. I brushed him away and crossed my arms, leaning against a nearby rack of goods.

  “I don’t like that face,” Phillip said.

  “What face?” I asked.

  “I’ve only see you with that look twice, and each time it came with bad news. What is it this time?” he asked, then hunched down low and came close, “You didn’t kill someone, did you?”

  My eyes went wide at the thought.