by Sam Elswit
“Looks like you’re deep in thought again,” Isaiah said, “anything I can help with?”
I bit my lip, unsure of what to tell my mate.
“I’m not sure,” I said. I hoisted myself from the floor of the porch to sit in the rocking chair beside him. I snapped open the cool beverage taking a single quick sip before letting the drink rest in my hand.
“It’s about time for harvest,” he said, “It’s lookin’ pretty good.”
Dammit, I forgot about harvest time already. If I wasn’t here to help then I’d need to spend money on outside help to make sure it was all cut in time. I guess my decision was made for me.
“That’s it then,” I said.
“That’s what?” he asked.
“I’m staying,” I replied, “I have to be here to help with the harvest. No time for school.”
“Whoa,” he said, holding out a hand to stop me, “Don’t rush into a decision you’ll regret.”
“Regret?” I wondered, “Why would I regret staying here with someone that I loved, tending to a farm that I … suppose I love, too.”
“Because I know a thing or two about regrets; they’ll jump up and sting you some nights when you’re trying not to think about them.”
“I don’t care about losing some sleep over this. Besides, I can just go finish my degree next year,” I laughed.
“And then when next year rolls around you’ll say something stupid like ‘I’ll just wait till next year’. When would that end?”
He was right. If I stayed here too long I would find it harder and harder to go back to school.
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” I asked with a playful grin, “Did you already find someone to take my place?” I punched at his arm, almost causing him to spill his beer.
“This was something you wanted to do,” he said, sipping at the foam that burst from the top of his can from all the shaking, “Get it over with. Just make sure to come back for the holidays.”
I was taken aback by his supportive reaction and was almost annoyed at how easily he was willing to let me go. I thought I was with a fighter, not someone who would roll over and let me walk all over him.
I started wondering what I really wanted. Did I really want the degree in the first place? Or was it just a stupid teenage rebellion that went too far. Now with dad gone, what was I supposed to do? I didn’t have anyone to lord my diploma over. I didn’t have any friends at school either so I wasn’t missing anything there.
Why did I really want to go back at all?
I rocked and rocked as I stared up at the night sky. In the city I would be lucky to find a star. The twinkling of the sky was replaced by the artificial day that never left. It was hard some nights telling whether you were asleep or awake since the city never really slept. I was more apt to find myself stabbed for pocket change; out here everyone made sure their neighbors got home safe.
I did miss the water. The rippling blue waves of the port were like a tiny modicum of serenity in an otherwise artificial world. It reminded me of the river and all the fun I’d had swinging off the tire swing.
Isaiah’s top button was undone. A sprig of chest hair escaped from beneath and sent my mind whirling. The last month had been about discovery and pushing what I thought was normal. I came out to myself and finally started to figure out who I really was and it was all thanks to this man. My education was starting to look like a pale imitator to what life could really hold for me.
Whether it was my dick or my brain making the decision, I made it.
“I’m going to stay,” I said with finality.
“Are you sure?” he asked. I nodded.
“I think I was just trying to run away from here. But, there’s nothing to run from anymore. If anything I only have things that I don’t want to let go of. This farm, that shitty fence, and a man that knows how to treat me right.” I leaned in close. He took the hint and closed the gap as I kissed him then took another sip at my beer which was no longer cold. I tilted the can and quickly downed the rest of it before it started to go bad.
“I need to celebrate!” I shouted, “We need to go out!” Isaiah laughed at my sudden excitation.
“Yeah? And what would you like to do?” he asked.
“I think we need to go out for breakfast,” I said.
“Now?”
“It’s almost ten at night. If you can think of a breakfast place that’s open at ten at night, I’d like to see it. Especially out here.” He lifted his arms in mock surrender.
We’d been together for a month, maybe and yet we still hadn’t gone on a real date. I was starting to get excited for the morning. I spent the rest of the night in his arms, watching the sky twist around the North Star, and everything was right in the world.
Chapter 18
Isaiah
“So, you’re telling me that your dad made up the whole thing about that date by the river? But, what about the tire swing?” I asked. The truck bounced over the uneven road. The small rocks shot from the tires, pinging off the already dented metal undercarriage. The sound would have been overpowering without a loud radio or good conversation.
“He always told tall tales. I remember one year he told me about how he planted that sycamore by the house when it was already twenty feet tall. I used to believe him when I was in school, what reason did I have not to?” Joshua laughed. I felt so gullible to take the old man’s word for granted and it made me laugh too.
Joshua had nestled into the corner of his seat, leaning against the door with one arm slung over the back of the seat. His rugged jeans hung loosely on his hips with his loose fitting t-shirt spilling into his lap. I admired his casual sense of style; maybe that was one of the things I loved about him.
The restaurant we’d chosen was the only real diner in town. There were a couple good barbecue spots but Lou’s Diner was the only place for a good breakfast. Unfortunately, it was also usually packed. As I pulled the truck to a stop in front of the large glass windows with the moniker displayed prominently, Joshua leaned in quick to plant a discreet kiss on my cheek. Dammit if he wasn’t cute.
We settled in at the booth facing my truck.
“I remember goin’ to this place with my dad when I was a kid,” Joshua offered, “It looks exactly the same as it always did.” I could see the pride welling inside him. The contented smile that never left his face was infectious and more than once I could feel myself sporting the same grin.
“Is same a bad thing?” I wondered.
He looked around once again. The diner café bar was full of guys enjoying steak and eggs with a waitress passing between them all in a paisley green dress refilling their coffee. The grill in the back filled the space with its delicious smells that made my mouth water. The red-topped tables that dominated the floor space were packed with families enjoying a final breakfast together before school started up once again. Then Joshua turned back to me and shook his head no.
“Same is never bad,” he said, “At least not anymore,” he added with a broader smile. He reached out for my hand, but I pulled it away instinctively. It was clear that my knee-jerk reaction had sent the wrong message. I raised the menu to the side of my face to cover up the conversation and leaned over the table to explain.
“Look, I like being with you, but the second people find out we’re gay, we’ll both have to start shopping from the next town over.”
Joshua leaned back in his seat with a laissez faire attitude.
“If you think I give two shits about what these people think about us, you got another thing coming,” he said.
I didn’t know how to explain to him what the freeze out felt like. The hateful stares, the disapproving looks, they were enough to frustrate anyone. At that moment you have two options, stand your ground and keep pushing through, or run away and find somewhere they don’t know you so well. I usually preferred the latter. It was easier to move on, especially out in the country. You’d be hard pressed to find a place that didn’t need a hand
around this time of the year.
“If we’re together, it won’t matter,” he said. Joshua leaned in to join me behind the menu to kiss me again. Maybe he was right; it may not be so bad this time. I was alone every other time. Now that I was with someone I knew I could get past it.
“You right-”
“You got some nerve showin’ up here with him,” I was interrupted by shouting from the front door. It was Phillip. “You fags should go find a room.”
At this point the entire restaurant stopped eating to observe the commotion. Nothing in life is worse than a love spurned. I could see the fire fuming inside Phillip. His face was read with contempt; it was clear he was here for blood.
“Calm down, Phillip-”
“I won’t calm down, you asshole,” Phillip interjected. He marched over to our table and I could feel every eye in the place follow him. “I saw you two lovebirds kissing from the window. Why don’t you take that shit and get out of here!” he commanded.
If the diner weren’t so full I would have knocked him to his ass in an instant. Joshua shrunk in his seat; having only just felt the sting of the insult. Had I sit next to him I could have at least held him so he wouldn’t have had to listen to Phillip’s animosity.
“That’s enough,” I said, rising from the table to tower over Phillip, “Leave us alone.”
“Why don’t you take your own advice,” Phillip shouted, “Leave this whole town alone. There ain’t no place for a couple of queers in this city.”
I balled up my fist. My blood boiled just below the surface. My nails dug into the skin in my palm as my knuckles turned white with rage. Every muscle in my body started to shake with the anger that I held at bay.
Joshua took my fist with his open hand. I turned to him only to see his eyes pleading no. I exhaled out my frustration. It was hard to be mad in front of someone you loved. I could understand what old Bart felt all those years ago. It is the people we love the most that keep us from making dumb mistakes.
“Let’s go,” I said to Josh. The wicked smile on Phillip’s face was the last thing I wanted to see any longer. A drink cup exploded into ice as it struck against my torso. Water ran down my jeans as I searched for who had thrown it. I saw the people in the diner getting angry, and not at Phillip, but angry at Joshua and me for being what we are.
I gripped Joshua’s hand tight as I led him from the diner. He tucked close behind as I shoved my way out the door and held it for him.
“What the hell was that?” Joshua asked. I released him as I got into the truck; he joined me in the passenger seat quickly.
“That is why I was glad to be working with your dad,” I said, “All I ever wanted was a roof over my head and 3 square meals a day. It’s damn hard to find when you’re like me.”
“Like us,” Joshua corrected. I chuckled under my breath as the truck roared to life.
“Like us,” I said.
Chapter 19
Joshua
I sat in silence for a while as we drove home. Isaiah’s face held consternation that spilled over to me. Was this the new normal for me? I told Isaiah in the diner that I wouldn’t have a problem if people started to attack me for what I am, but I was only being strong for him.
Even if I did have something to say, it wouldn’t have changed anything. My emotions balled up into a lump that eased itself into the back of my throat. I tried to swallow it back down as I had so many times before but it wouldn’t leave me so easily this time. I needed to be strong though, just this once.
Phillip was an asshole.
I did remember him. In high school he was the low hanging fruit; easy to pick on and he was never able to really fight back. I wish I hadn’t been such a jerk back then. I should have apologized to him before any of this happened. Maybe we could have been friends, or at least not enemies.
Would I have done anything any differently, though? Isaiah was quite a catch. Anyone that lost that would feel pretty upset. Seeing us in a diner, kissing right next to the window, it’s no wonder that he was so angry. I had a feeling that I would have done something after seeing the person I cared about more than anyone else in the world with another person. But, even so, I don’t think I could bring myself to get angry like that in such a public place.
“Phillip is such an asshole,” I said, breaking the bond of silence, “There are a million things he could have done, and the one thing he chooses to do is yell at you,” I added, “in public, no less.”
Isaiah scratched at his chin, the usual sign that he was thinking hard about the subject. He shot me a sideways glance then returned his attention to the road.
“He did what he thought was right,” Isaiah replied.
“What was right?” I asked in disbelief, “He’s still the same overdramatic moron from high school.” I sunk low into my seat and leaned against the window, staring at the perfect rows of the fields being torn apart by massive threshers going about their business.
“So you really picked on him?” Isaiah asked.
“Yes,” I said weakly. Isaiah eyed me as a parent would an unruly child. I felt so small under his stare, “I’m not proud of it,” I added.
“We both did him wrong, some more recent than others,” he said, “in the end, things always come back to bite you in the ass.”
The truck pulled to a halt in front of the old farm house, but we weren’t alone. Another large truck was parked just in front of the picket fence. A pair of hulking men emerged from the vehicle.
“Shit,” Isaiah said, “speaking of things to come back and bite you in the ass.”
They stood a little taller than Isaiah, but they were much wider and the muscle they soft muscle they were sporting was covered in tattoos. Their faces were weather beaten and round, but still they looked very familiar.
“Zeke,” Isaiah continued, “Jeb. What brings you two out this way?”
I wondered how Isaiah knew them at first and felt dumb when I realized they were his brothers.
“I thought you said they didn’t know where you were?” I said.
“We got a call,” Zeke said, “Told us some guy that looked like our brother was livin’ at this address.”
“Mama’s got a lot of things she wants to say to you,” Jeb added.
Isaiah stepped up to the porch, giving him a slight height advantage so he could look down on his older siblings.
“Mama don’t need to say nothin’ to me. You two just git. I don’t want anything to do with any of you,” Isaiah said.
I started toward Isaiah but was cut off by his brother Jeb. It was like standing next to a brick wall. His large stomach was barely being held in by the overalls he wore. He smiled a toothy grin at me; I was more disgusted than anything.
“This your new boy?” Jeb asked, “He’s pretty lookin’.”
Isaiah’s face flashed with something I could only think was fear. It was just as real as my own fear. Jeb was about the size of my father, and the way he loomed over me was reminding me of all the fights I’d had with my dad in the past.
“Leave him alone, Jeb,” Isaiah urged, “He don’t mean nothing to either of you.”
Jeb stepped a little closer. I stood my ground as best I could and considered my chances if this thing blew up into a fight. Zeke walked through the unfinished fence toward Isaiah.
“Brother, everything you do out here matters to the whole family. You know what it’s like having a fag brother runnin’ around? We’re a laughing stock,” Zeke said, “You’re comin’ home with us right now so we can make everything right.”
“By what?!” I shouted, “killing him?”
Jeb was practically on top of me at this point.
“If that’s what the lord wants,” Jeb said. His attention didn’t leave mine. I stepped back to avoid his advance as Isaiah leapt from the porch to grab at Jeb.
“Leave him alone!” Isaiah shouted, snatching his brother by the arm. But, his brother was too strong. He held Isaiah in place as a big powerful fist came crashing
down on the side of my face. I hadn’t been in a fight for a long time. Blood pooled in my mouth from my cut cheek.
I threw a punch that struck into Jeb’s stomach. He laughed it off, pushing me to the ground. The hard rocks probed into my back and hands as I tried to catch my fall. Isaiah again went for his brother Jeb but was stopped as Zeke joined the fray. He pulled Isaiah off his brother Jeb holding him tightly.
“This is what happens when you don’t listen,” Zeke said, twisting Isaiah into submission. Isaiah ineffectually fought against his captor who overpowered him easily.
I wanted to run and rescue him, but the big oaf in front of me made it hard. I spat the blood in my mouth to the ground, wiping what remained with my sleeve. I couldn’t remember the last time something got me so mad.
My vision was fixed on Jeb. If he was going to be a wall then I would find a way to burst through it to save the person I cared about. Jeb reached his massive hands down to grab at me but I twisted out of the way. A backhand swung wide, catching my arm, tossing me a couple feet down the road.
I landed on my hands and knees. I shook my head to fight off the dizzy feeling that was keeping me down. I stepped up to a foot, but a boot planted itself in my back as I tried, pushing me back into the loose dirt and rocks.
What could I do? My head was rattled. My body ached from the repeated blows. Regardless, I started to stumble back to my feet. At least if I could move, I could dodge. But, the moment I started getting back up I was met with another strike.
“Damn, you like ‘em weak, Isaiah,” Jeb said with a sick laugh that followed.
“Get off him!” I heard Isaiah bellow.
I was too tired to get back up. The strength I’d worked so hard to cultivate was failing me when I needed it the most. I could hear my own father’s voice telling me I had more to give, urging me to continue when I wanted so hard to just give up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow if I didn’t keep trying.
I rolled over to my back. Jeb stood over me, leaning forward with his hands on his knees.