Always Mine

by Sam Elswit

  The brakes squeaked to a stop as the engine ground to a stop. Zeke stepped from the driver’s side followed closely by Mama. Jeb joined them from the passenger side as they lined up in front of the truck just shy of the fence.

  Mama laughed when she saw the shotgun.

  “Put that thing away before you hurt yourself,” she joked.

  “I’m goin’ to give you one warning. You step past that fence line and I’ll make sure you don’t get up,” I said.

  The three of them laughed.

  “You don’t got it in you to kill your own kin,” Mama said, “You’re comin’ home with us so we can fix you.” She nodded her head, Zeke and Jeb started toward me, not heeding my warning.

  I whipped the shotgun up to my shoulder, locking the breach.

  BOOM.

  Down went Zeke. Jeb didn’t have time to realize what was happening before I lined the shot up at him.

  BOOM.

  The sound was deafening. The shotgun nearly threw my arm out of its socket with the power of the blast. Mama watched on in horror as her sons fell to their backs on the rocky ground, unconscious.

  “You...” she said, “… You killed my boys! You stupid fa-”

  “I’d watch your mouth,” I said, loading up another shell, “this one has your name on it.”

  She stopped talking. I was glad to see her shut her mouth for once. She was tiny for a woman who had such big sons. Her brown hair was braided tight on top of her head and her glasses clung to the edge of her nose. I’d known her to be the type of woman who would give everything she could to help a stranger, all smiles and kindness. But, the moment they said something that offended her she became a monster that even Zeke and Jeb would piss their pants staring at. I’d seen that side of her more than anyone else.

  Even now, I hesitated at the trigger as she stood. There was no way I was going to shoot the old woman. Monster or not, she was still my mother. I let the shotgun fall back into the crook of my arm.

  “I’m tired,” I said as I walked towards her, “I’ve been running for more than ten years now, Mama.”

  “Good, then come home so we can fi-”

  “I don’t need fixin’,” I corrected her; “I need to be done with this family.” I leaned my face down so I could look her straight in the eye. “Why won’t you love me for what I am?”

  “Ha,” she scoffed, “You’re an abomination against the lord. I only want what’s best for you,” she said.

  “What’s best for me?” I asked, “You almost killed me when I was a kid!”

  “We were trying to get the devil out of you,” she replied, “I just wanted my youngest son to be normal.”

  “I am normal,” I said.

  “If you were normal you wouldn’t be runnin’ around with men,” she said as she adjusted her glasses.

  I wasn’t getting anywhere with her. She was just as stubborn as always. I could see Zeke and Jeb starting to stir.

  “I’m done with this family,” I said, “Just leave me alone.”

  “You think it’s that easy?” she asked.

  “It’s all I got left,” I replied, “I’m changin’ my last name. I won’t be runnin’ your name through the dirt no more.” I squatted down on my haunches and ran my hand through the dirt. “I wanna set down some roots. I can’t be wandering through life anymore. I like it here.”

  “I just want what’s best for my baby,” she said.

  “What’s best for me is if you just tell everyone I died. Isaiah Moss is gone, he’s dead and buried. Go home and tell everyone that your disgrace is finally gone,” I said, “Then never come back.”

  She let out a sigh as she let her head fall to her shoulder. She always did that when she was thinking. A habit I only recently realized I’d picked up. Some things never seem to go away even when you want them to.

  “You were always my favorite,” she said. She looked down and saw Zeke and Jeb elbowing back to their feet.

  I tossed her one of the shells I’d used on them.

  “Rock salt,” I said, “Hurts like a bitch, but it won’t kill someone like them.”

  She smiled and laughed. It was nice to see that side of her again, if only just for a moment.

  “I knew you didn’t have it in you,” she added.

  Zeke and Jeb had the wrath of god in their eyes. Once they were on their feet they started to make for me. I stood my ground, unflinching. It was up to Mama at this point.

  “Boys!” she said, “We’re leaving.”

  “But Mama!” they shouted back.

  “No buts! Get in the car,” she shouted. Like a pair of dogs, they tucked their tails between their legs and listened to Mama. Before she joined them, she walked up to me as I knelt on the ground. Her hands wrapped around my head and she kissed my forehead.

  I was a kid again, lying in bed, waiting for Mama to finish my story. Her glasses slung low on her nose as her lips mouthed the words that I wasn’t bothering to pay attention to. I stayed up and waited for her to click off the table lamp and plant that kiss on my forehead.

  No longer was she trying to help me sleep, but now she was saying her final goodbye. My arms reached around her slight body and gave her one last hug. I held it for as long as I could before she pulled herself away. She slid into the truck as Zeke packed into the driver’s seat as he always did. The truck roared out its deafening tune as they sped back down the road.

  And, I was truly alone.

  Chapter 27

  Joshua

  I became a regular. Drinking wasn’t something I did often, but somehow it reminded me of being back on the farm with Isaiah. I’d get a sense of the crappy-tasting, cheap beer he’d hand me and would be back in that rocking chair on the porch, passing time away listlessly.

  Chris was working again tonight. I was glad to see him.

  “Back already, I see. I can hardly keep you away,” he said with a wink. I smiled at his silly jest. We’d been spending more and more time together lately. My lips could still feel our first kiss from last night. I enjoyed being close to someone again.

  “You couldn’t if you tried,” I replied.

  Still, there was something missing from our relationship; it was as though we were rubbing sticks together hoping to start a fire. He tried much harder than I did. I met him at work, and out for coffee in the mornings where we would wander the streets and talk about life.

  He wanted to be a movie star. I would have laughed at the notion but he was dead serious about making his dream a reality. So, I would go quiet and keep my words to myself. He always tried to pry them from me, rather than waiting for me to give my own opinion in time. It was another thing I admired about Isaiah.

  Dammit, why did he have to say the things he did. The knife was still lodged in my chest. It wouldn’t come free no matter how hard I struggled against its edge.

  “There’s a new movie out tomorrow night,” Chris said, “Interested?”

  “I have a lot of work,” I replied, “The homework is starting to build up, so I might just skip it.”

  “Again?” he asked, annoyed. He cocked his hip and let his hand rest against it, “This is the third time I’ve asked you to do something. Are you ever going to want to go on a real date?”

  I felt bad for having denied him so often, but my heart wasn’t into dating. I still just wanted Isaiah to come rushing through the door and take me back home. I sipped at my drink which Chris had expertly prepared for me yet again.

  “Can’t we just keep things casual?” I asked, “I’m barely out of the closet.” Chris reached across the bar and tousled my still unkempt hair. It had grown long since my trip. I should have cut it as soon as I was back at school but never found the time.

  “If it stays too casual, you might just lose me,” he said. He leaned against the bar on his elbows, his face only inches from my own.

  I smiled and cocked my head to the side as he pulled himself away to return to his work. What was I supposed to tell him? Hey Chris, I’m still i
n love with my ex for some reason. I’m sure that would go over well with him. I’d avoided talking to him about Isaiah. Yet I had no problem telling him about the death of my father.

  I polished off what remained of my drink and began to stand but was greeted by a face I never thought I’d see again.

  “Phillip?” I said. I sat back down and turned my back to him, “What the hell do you want? Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

  “I’m trying to fix what I broke,” he said, “If you’ll listen.”

  I inhaled deeply and held it in as I thought. I blamed Phillip for the break-up just as much as I did Isaiah. My emotions ran high after his little stunt at the diner. I wondered what he had planned at the bar. I exhaled and turned back to face him.

  “Okay, you came a long way to say something, so just say it and get out,” I stated, sternly.

  Phillip shrunk a little, raising his arms slightly in surrender. He walked to my side and took a seat at the empty bar stool beside me. From the corner of my eye I saw Chris starting to come over but I raised a hand toward him, telling him to stop. He didn’t need to hear any of this.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, “I became the one thing I swore that I never would.”

  “Oh? And, what is that,” I said, unable to hide my disdain.

  “A bully,” he replied.

  Good, I thought. At least I got an apology from him. Maybe Isaiah would man up and do the same. I toyed with my glass at the bar, rolling the crushed ice around the bottom.

  “Are you ever going to apologize?” he asked.

  What an odd thing to say. He came all this way to ask for an apology? What the hell did I have to apologize for? He had another thing coming if he thought he would get that.

  “For what?” I scoffed.

  “Did you know how many nights I cried myself to sleep when I was a kid? Imagine your own dad calling you a failure because you can’t stop yourself from crying. That’s what high school was like for me. That was on you.” He replied. I could hear the judgement in his voice, the conviction of his frustration overwhelmed my senses.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. He deserved more than that.

  “Do you really think that’s enough,” he said, “You stole Isaiah from me.”

  “What do you want me to say?” I asked, “I regret bullying you in high school. My friends and I were dumb kids. I acted out in any way that I could. Having grown up I finally understand that what I did was wrong.” I sat my glass back to its resting place on the coaster and pushed it away from me. “But, you don’t get to say that I stole Isaiah from you. That was his choice. You were part of the reason I didn’t get together with him in the first place.”

  He turned his attention to the bar. For the last couple weeks I imagined what I would say to him if I saw him, but now that he was here I couldn’t remember any of it. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. My own guilt built up inside of me and I really did feel responsible.

  “I’m sorry,” I sighed, “I ruined everything by coming home.” I stood up to leave but he grabbed my hand and held me in place.

  “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but it’s the real reason I came,” he said, “Isaiah didn’t mean anything that he said to you. He told me just last week when he came into the store. He confronted his family and he wanted to make sure that you were as far away as possible.”

  I returned to my seat and let my head fall into my hands as I thought about what I’d just heard. He confronted his family? I thought he was planning on running away. He told me he was going to. I assumed the note I left wouldn’t have any effect, but maybe it did.

  “You’re telling me that he-”

  “Still loves you, yes,” Phillip stated plainly. It was clear he was choking on those words.

  I felt faint. Dizziness clouded my vision as the knife in my chest disappeared. All those feelings I had for Isaiah came back like an explosion.

  “Thank you Phillip,” I said, “Thank you!” I needed to go back; and tonight if possible. But, there was one piece of unfinished business left. I waved at Chris who came hustling over.

  “Chris, I’m sorry. You’re an amazing man but I just can’t be with you. I hope you find someone someday,” I said. Phillip was still shrinking in his chair. I pulled out a bill from my wallet and slapped it on the counter. “Also, get this man a drink. He’s been through a lot.”

  Chris gawked as I thrust my wallet back in my pocket. I could feel Phillip’s eyes watching me as I made for the exit. However, I did catch one last bit before leaving.

  “What an asshole,” Chris said.

  “Tell me about it,” Phillip added.

  “Well, what am I gettin’ for you, cutie?”

  I had a feeling that things would end up okay for them both. My heart pounded in my chest. Walking turned to running, which quickly became a full sprint. I had a lot to pack.

  Chapter 28

  Isaiah

  I hammered at the last stake that I would need to drive. The ground gave way with each strike, forcing the wooden post further into the tough dirt that would be its home, at least for now. Maybe Joshua would get a chance to see it completed just once before he sold the farm down the road.

  The work was relaxing and I was proud to be doing it. It felt like a memorial to the memory of the man who took me in and treated me like his own son. Bart was a man that deserved more than what he had, and even though he was gone I needed to give him his dream.

  With the final blow struck, I allowed the mallet to fall to the ground. I wiped the sweat from my brow with the edge of my flannel shirt. The days had started getting much cooler now and the wind blew just a tiny bit harder.

  Joshua was never far from my thoughts. Ever room in the house was like a shrine to his memory. My instincts screamed at me to move on and find another home, but the new me wanted to be stubborn. Leaving now would be like closing the door forever and I was still reticent to do so.

  There was still a lot of work to be done every day and starting tomorrow would be the harvest. I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I’d spread word around that I was looking for help but none really came. Most people just ignored me, but I just let them. There was no sense trying to fight their hateful stares and it was just easier to move on.

  Still, some were kind enough to still consider me a friend. Mrs. Denton would bring a pie from time to time and tell me it would be alright. That old woman was almost the only contact I had outside the farmhouse. Phillip would get me most of my things from the store and bring them right to the doorstep so I never really had to leave.

  I wondered where he got himself off to. We didn’t chat much, but when I told him I stood up to my family he took interest. That was almost a week ago.

  I needed to let go of Joshua. I wanted to be free of all these feelings that wouldn’t let me go. I inhaled and stood to my full height, letting my back arch so that my face could catch the sun, then I exhaled hard.

  My phone started ringing.

  I pulled off my work gloves and checked the number but didn’t recognize it. Perhaps this was exactly what I needed.

  Chapter 29

  Joshua

  I almost leapt off the bus before it got to town I was so excited to be home. I knew Isaiah must have been waiting for me. He was probably rocking on the front porch with a crummy beer in his hand and one waiting in my chair ready for when I got back.

  I should have just called him. But, would that have had the same effect as surprising him? I didn’t think so. I needed to see him in person, not just hear his voice. No doubt my teachers would be upset that I up and left barely into the quarter, but I couldn’t care less.

  As the bus pulled into the station and the driver started his usual spiel about us arriving, I sprinted down the aisle. He barely had the door open and I was out and running toward the house. Then I remembered that it was a little further than I could run and had to resort to walking.

  The breeze gave just enough protection from the heat of the
sun as I walked. The road seemed to stretch out forever as I couldn’t wait to return to the person I loved. I kicked at the rocks as I walked. Each step was part of a victory walk that was taking me exactly where I needed to be.

  What would I say to Isaiah when he saw me?

  “Hey,” I practiced, “I was in the neighborhood and-” I shook my head no.

  “What’s a good lookin’ man like you doing out he-” again, no.

  “Long time no see,” I said. Still, didn’t sound right.

  As I got closer to the house, my pace quickened. I could see the top of the sycamore tree as I crested the final hill. My heart surged with excitement. I shouldered my bag and jogged my way down the road only to be confronted with an odd sight.

  “Who the hell are you?” I shouted. A stranger was painting the picket fence in front of the house. He was a little shorter than I was with rounder features. He was a little more rotund than I would have expected Isaiah to be attracted to. How could he have moved on so fast after our relationship?

  “Uhh,” he said as I approached. I didn’t really have any right to say anything about moving on. I’d been with Chris for the last couple weeks, although, we’d never actually done anything more than a kiss. Considering how fast Isaiah worked me up, I had zero doubt that this new guy was in his bed every night.

  “I’m sure you feel great, being a homewrecker,” I accused. He held his hands up, the white paint on the brush dripped down his arm.

  “Whoa pal, I’m just here for a job,” he said.

  The screen door from the house swung open and a woman walked out. She was short and sweet looking. Her rosy cheeks were pulled up into a big smile. In her hands was the serving tray with a few glasses filled to the brim.

  “Lemonade?” she asked, the man picked up one of the cups and sipped at it and she offered the other glass to me. “I saw you comin’ from down the road and thought you looked parched.”