by Sam Elswit
I folded my arms over my chest and closed my eyes. Ben instantly appeared behind my eyelids, haunting me. That handsome face. Those intelligent eyes. I had thrown it all away by being rash.
I turned on my side, looking out the window. The moon was waning, currently a thin crescent. Soon, it would be completely gone. In the distance, a dark cloud rolled forward, heading for the small ray of light, almost as if it was on a mission to make it disappear.
Its pace was slow and steady and eventually, it would reach its destination.
Patches laid down beside me, stretching out his limbs before he curled up into a tight ball. At least he had nothing to keep him up at night. At least he couldn’t mess things up with the one guy that made him feel alive – truly alive.
Again, I closed my eyes, praying for sleep, but it never came. All I could do was picture what Ben’s face must have looked like when he pulled away from the kiss. Cold. Disgusted. Hateful.
I turned to the other side of the bed, staring at the blank wall, counting sheep. At some point, I lost count, falling into a fitful, nightmare-filled sleep.
Chapter 9
Ben
I slipped through the door, leaning against it the second it closed. I let out the breath of air I had kept trapped in my lungs during the kiss.
My head was swimming as unrecognizable emotions swirled around inside my chest, making me feel woozy.
What had just happened? Had Phil kissed me? Had I liked it?
I gulped, carefully listening for his receding footsteps. When I heard him walk away, I headed for the window, watching him. His body language gave away his disappointment. He reminded me of a deflated balloon, being dragged along by a sad little girl.
A part of me wanted to run outside and kiss him better, to bring back the light to his gorgeous eyes, but I kept still, holding onto the windowsill for support.
I wasn’t ready for this.
I couldn’t let myself be burned again.
Still, when I reached up to touch my lips, I could almost feel the lingering heat from his. The kiss had been amazing, there was no denying that. Better than any kiss I had ever shared with Andy. There was just so much more substance behind it like he wasn’t just kissing me for the hell of it, but because there was true, genuine emotion riding behind it.
But, that was insane.
We barely knew each other…
I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair. I walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge, looking for something to munch on and distract myself with. Of course, it was all but empty. Leave it to Emily to forget to do the groceries. There wasn’t even any milk to enjoy a bowl of cereal, the one food that always managed to cheer me up.
Giving up, I straightened out, noticing a pizza box on the counter. I popped it open.
There was one slice of pepperoni left.
Better than nothing.
I nibbled on the cold slice before heading up to my room. I thought about plopping into bed, but with all these thoughts running rampant in my mind, I’d never be able to sleep. So, I finished off my pizza and grabbed my guitar, strumming a few notes, warming up. I started off by playing the last song Farmers’ Market had rehearsed, but the second I did, it all came out horribly wrong. It just wasn’t the same without Andy.
Anger slithered under my skin. My fingers tightened around the guitar. I had the urge to smash it against the wall, but I kept control of my temper, breathing in through my mouth and out my nose.
I wasn’t going to let him win. He may have pushed me down, but I wasn’t going to stay down.
***
“We have rehearsal tonight, don’t we?” Emily asked me the following Friday night.
“I already told you, the band is through.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” I said, flicking through the channels, looking for something to watch.
“But, I thought you and Phil were getting along. What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” I said quickly, crossing my arms over my chest.
She pulled the lollipop out of her mouth, pointing it in my direction. “Liar.”
“Seriously.”
“Alright, so there’s no reason for us not to have a rehearsal tonight.”
“We aren’t having a rehearsal today. That’s final.”
“Then tell me what happened.”
“Nothing happened.”
“I can keep this up all night.” She warned, popping the lollipop back in her mouth.
“You’re really annoying, you know that?”
She grinned and nodded, almost as if she was proud of the fact.
“And you aren’t going to let this go, are you?”
She shook her head, scooting closer to me, ready to listen to everything I had to say.
“You suck.” I lowered the volume on the TV, wondering how much I had to tell her to satisfy her curiosity, but at the same time, I wanted to get these feelings off my chest. For the past week, I had been replaying the kiss in my mind, struggling with the inner turmoil it brought.
I loved the kiss. I really did. But, I just couldn’t let my inhibitions go. After what Andy did to me, trusting someone else wouldn’t come easy.
“Let me guess, he made a move on you.” Emily tried, gauging my reaction.
I was unable to hide my surprise.
“I knew it!” She squealed. “I didn’t think Phil had it in him…” She smirked, getting on her knees, holding the lollipop against the corner of her mouth. “Tell me everything!”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I answered stubbornly. “It was just… a kiss.”
“A kiss?” Her eyes widened. “Really? But what kind of a kiss? A five-second peck on the lips or a full-blown make out session.”
“I really don’t want to talk about it,” I said, getting up, heading for the back door.
“Oh, come on, you know you want to tell me.”
“No, I really don’t.” I went through the swinging door, letting it go, hoping it would slam in Emily’s face. No such luck.
“So, that’s why you were acting so weird this week.”
“Weird how?” I hopped onto the hammock, looking up at the stars. Only a few weeks ago, I had laid here with Andy, his arms wrapped around me, thinking that everything was perfect. Now, my whole world had been turned upside down. The last thing I needed was false hope that only brought me more and more depression.
“You didn’t want to eat. You’ve barely touched your guitar in days. And you’ve been moping around the house like a dumped schoolgirl.”
“How would you know? You were out with William half the time.”
“Face it, as much as you want to deny it, you liked the kiss, didn’t you?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Did you at least call him?”
“No.”
“And why the hell not?” She stepped in front of me, blocking my view of the Big Dipper.
I shrugged.
She fished into her pocket, pulling out her phone. “Call him. Now!”
“No.”
“Come on, Phil’s a good guy. If you keep ignoring him, he’s going to think that he did something wrong.” She pushed the phone into my face, tapping her foot against the ground as she waited for me to take it. “He probably thinks you hate him.”
“Maybe I do. He didn’t have the right to kiss me.”
“Oh please. You two were ogling each other all evening at the bowling alley. You can’t tell me there wasn’t any chemistry there.”
“There wasn’t.”
“You’re so stubborn.”
“Look who’s talking.” I ignored her, turning to the other side of the hammock.
I heard her footsteps and I thought I had won the fight, but something told me that I wasn’t going to get off the hook so easily.
“Hello, Phil? It’s me, Emily.”
My eyes shot open at her words. Quickly, I rolled off the hammock
and lunged toward my sister, ready to snatch the phone out of her hand, but she had already locked herself inside of the house, sticking out her tongue at me through the window.
“Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that rehearsal is still on for tonight. You know where Ben and I live, don’t you?” Her voice taunted me.
I thought about running around the house and ambushing her on the other side, but by then, it would be too late.
“Great, we’ll see you at nine.” With that, she ended the call, smiling triumphantly in my direction.
“You’re the worst.” I huffed, marching through the house once she let me back inside.
“You mean, I’m the best.”
***
In the garage, I fine-tuned my guitar, trying to get the pitch just perfect. After a week of not playing, the instrument felt almost foreign in my hands.
Just then, the garage door opened with a loud rumble. Emily appeared, holding her drum sticks in hand, banging them together in an X formation. “Who’s ready to make some epic music?”
I didn’t pay her any mind as I continued to tinker with the strings, strumming my pick along the lower notes. Something didn’t sound right.
“Can you at least smile and not look like a total grump?”
“Nope.”
“Phil is a really nice guy. If you ask me, he’s totally into you. At least give him a chance.”
“No. Stop pushing the subject.”
She opened her mouth as if she was about to say something else. Before she could, however, Phil’s pulled up on the side of the road. He stayed in the car for a moment. For a second, I thought he would just drive away and make both our lives easier, but I was met with no such luck.
When he finally got out of his car, there was a somber expression on his face, radically different from the innocent demeanor he displayed when we were bowling.
A pang of guilt tightened around my heart, making me rethink my actions. Maybe I had been too harsh on him. Maybe I should have just been honest and told him how I really felt…
Too late for that now.
“Come in.” Emily ushered him over.
“I’m not late, am I?”
“No, Ben is going to take the next fifteen to thirty minutes tinkering with his guitar. If you want, there’s more than enough time for you to grab us something to eat. A new fried chicken place just opened down the street…”
“He’s our vocalist, not your personal delivery boy,” I said, grabbing the extra copy of sheet music I had printed out. I handed it to Phil without making eye contact, being very cautious so our fingertips didn’t accidentally brush together.
“Thanks.”
I nodded, heading back to my seat as he walked over to the mic, raising it up to match his height. I couldn’t help but admire the way his clothes sat on his body, clinging to his every inch, showing off how toned he really was. I could almost see the six-pack that surely hid underneath his shirt.
“Whenever you’re ready,” I said, wanting to get this over with sooner rather than later.
“Oh, before we start, I have an announcement to make.” Emily chimed in, tapping on her base drum to get our attention. “And it’s very exciting.”
“Neither one of us wants to hear about half off wings at the new chicken place.” I countered.
“No. No. It’s not about that. I finally got through to the manager at Scotty’s and he said we can perform tomorrow night.”
“What? Are you crazy?” I snapped. “Why would you agree to that, knowing there’s no way we can be ready for it?”
“Of course we will. Stop worrying so much. Phil’s a natural. He’ll knock them dead.” She winked at Phil who started to play with the mic cord, obviously nervous.
“Have you ever performed before?” I asked.
“Not really. I was in the school chorus.”
“Doesn’t count.” My words came out harsher than I intended. The sad look on his face instantly made me regret it. “I mean, it’s not the same. Totally different atmosphere.”
“That’s what I tried to tell Emily –”
“Can we stop talking and get down to playing some music already?” Emily butted in, starting off the intro to the song.
I sighed, waiting for my cue to join before I strummed a string of notes, accompanying her tempo.
Soon, it was time for Phil to join us. I waited with a baited breath, sitting on the edge of my seat.
Pay attention to the sea
For it is not the happy body of water it seems to be
You may sail
But your wave of euphoria is just a bed of lies
His voice was like honey, but this wasn’t a song made for honey.
Abruptly, I got up, yanking his mic cord from the amp.
Phil stopped abruptly, looking back at me in shock.
“This will never do. This isn’t some love song.” I shook my head. “We need something edgier.”
Phil frowned. “I can try, but I’m not really used to…”
“He wasn’t doing badly. Maybe change is exactly what we need.” Emily pointed out.
“Are you kidding me? They would eat us alive at Scotty’s. We sound like a washed-up version of the Beatles.”
“I didn’t think it was all that bad.”
“You must be tone-deaf then.”
“I don’t mind trying again,” Phil interjected, getting between us before we could lunge at each other’s throats.
I stared at Phil, feeling the tension between us at all our unspoken words. It built up in the back of my throat, making me feel like I was breathing through a straw.
“Let’s just continue to the next verse,” I said with a sigh, sitting back down.
I cannot help you stop
But I can watch the stars with you
From coast to coast, I’ll be there
Ready to set sail with you.
“Stop. Stop. Stop.”
Chapter 10
Phil
I stopped singing, letting the mic drop to my side. I could tell that Ben was getting frustrated.
“What’s your problem?” Emily asked, leaning forward. “You become tone-deaf overnight or something? That sounded great!” She flashed me an encouraging smile.
Still, I felt like I didn’t belong, like I was intruding on something personal, trying to replace someone I really couldn’t. “Look, if you don’t think this will work, I can just leave. No hard feelings.” I turned off the mic, placing it gently on top of the amplifier before I grabbed my jacket, heading for the door.
For some reason, I was filled with a sense of disappointment. A tiny part of me wanted this to work out so that I could finally be a part of something, instead of always being on my own. Even those few minutes of singing had invigorated me so much. I wanted more of it. I needed more of it. But, if it wasn’t meant to be, I wasn’t going to push it. I’d just keep singing to Patches instead…
“No. Don’t go…” Ben grabbed my wrist, reeling me back until we were face-to-face. His touch made my skin tingle. The feeling crept along my arm before burrowing deep into my chest. I shuffled closer to him, my heart beating faster and faster with each passing second. “It’s fine… just different than what we’re used to, but I think we can make it work.”
“Of course it’ll work. Phil has the voice of a sex god. I still have no idea why he hasn’t thought of a career in phone sex. He’d make a killing.”
Ben shot his sister a dirty glare. I half-expected him to march over there and hit her upside the head, but he just took a deep breath and turned back in my direction. “Let’s give it a shot. After all, we have a gig tomorrow at Scotty’s… apparently.” He looked at me for a moment longer, his dark eyes searching for mine.
Without thinking about it, I leaned forward, our faces slowly gravitating together inch by inch. I held my breath, my eyes slowly closing, but before anything could happen Ben walked away, slinging his guitar strap over his shoulder.
“I’m calling it a ni
ght.” And, with that, Ben disappeared into his home, leaving me feeling like a complete idiot.
Of course he didn’t want to kiss me. Why would he?
“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself.” Emily came up behind me, running her hand along my back before she squeezed my shoulder. “My brother’s just a dimwit.”