by Sam Elswit
I shook my head. “No… he’s not.” I slumped into a nearby chair, folding in on myself until my head hung in my hands.
“Oh, come on. He’s just still mad about his breakup with Andy. It has nothing to do with your singing. You were great. Honestly.”
I nodded, pretending to accept her words just so she would leave me alone.
She seemed satisfied because she let me go. “I expect you looking dapper when we do go on stage. You’ll have to swoon all the ladies… and of course, all the men too.” She winked, a playful giggle emerging from her lips. “I just know we’re going to knock them dead.”
***
But, when the performance finally arrived, I was the one that felt like a walking zombie. I hadn’t slept, fretting about the gig and of course, there was Ben… He haunted my mind, almost as if he was living there rent-free, constantly popping up whenever I closed my eyes. The way he had looked at me, I felt like there was something there, and yet, he was so distant.
It was confusing…
“You ready?” Emily asked, slapping my back.
I lurched forward, unsteady on my feet, nearly knocking over a nearby mic stand.
“Oops. Guess I don’t even know my own strength.”
I rubbed the back of my neck in nervousness. I could hear the crowd behind the curtain. All the people that would be listening to me. Just thinking about it made my stomach twist and turn. I didn’t know if I could go through with this…
Just then, Ben emerged, looking flustered. His long hair was even messier than usual. His black skinny jeans were wrinkled, almost like he had slept in them the night before. “We go on in five minutes. Is everybody ready?” He asked, even though his question was directed at me.
I nodded, my neck feeling stiff. “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.” I gulped down my anxiety, my mouth already feeling dry.
Emily seemed to read my mind because she thrust a bottle of water into my chest. “Here, you’re going to need this. Wouldn’t want our superstar singer to strain his voice.” She winked.
I wanted to know how she could be so carefree and chipper all the time. What was her secret?
A man dressed in all black appeared, holding a clipboard in his hand. “You’re on in two minutes.”
The band that was playing before us shuffled backstage. They were a bunch of punk rockers who looked exceptionally mean. I found myself edging closer to Ben like he would protect me or something.
Emily eyed the singer. He grunted in her direction before stomping off. “Did you see that guy’s hair? Totally cool, right?”
“Yeah, if you want to poke someone’s eye out,” Ben grumbled, peeking through the small gap in the curtains. “Looks like it’s a full house.”
“Well, it’s a Saturday night and that means half-price drafts. Of course it would be packed. If I wasn’t supposed to be playing right now, I’d be hopping on that bandwagon too.”
“You’re up.” The manager prompted, guiding us up a small set of stairs that led to the stage. There, I was blinded by bright spotlights that made me squint. Already, I could feel the sweat gathering along my hairline.
I fanned out my shirt as I took my position in front of the mic, holding onto it tightly, so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I took a deep breath, trying to settle myself.
This is just like chorus. This is just like chorus. I tried to convince myself, but of course, it was nothing like it. All eyes were on me. They expected me to give them a show and all I could do right now was focus on my breathing.
I felt like I was going to faint.
The lights dimmed and Emily started the beat. I closed my eyes, my lips practically touching the mic as I waited for my cue.
I had spent hours memorizing our line-up. We were going to start with a simple song that people usually liked and then we would build it up to our more experimental pieces.
Ben strummed his guitar before he started a steady flow of notes that melded perfectly with Emily’s beat.
Now, it was all up to me.
The audience cheered at Ben’s sick tune, which only made me even more nervous. I didn’t want to disappoint them. Most of all, I didn’t want to disappoint Ben.
I adjusted my grip and started to sing.
Sinister shadows lurk within this tower
We venture deeper and deeper
Only to find that our lust never ends…
The crowd was dead silent. The white of their eyes shone in the gloom, making me shiver. My voice wavered, my tongue feeling like it had grown three times in size.
Sinister and wanting above the tomb
We find poisonous thoughts
Awaken! The end is near…
The dark, depressing nature of the song felt wrong on my lips. Still, I continued, even as a murmur of whispers floated through the room.
“Where’s Andy?”
“Is that a new singer? He’s not very good…”
“He managed to turn a great tune into a sappy love song.”
“Where’s the emotion?”
“Where’s Andy?”
“How could Ben let this happen?”
“Where’s Andy?”
Their whispers grew louder and louder until they were all I could hear. I froze. They hated me.
Someone threw a can of beer right at me. It narrowly missed, landing at Ben’s feet where it exploded, spraying frothy liquid everywhere.
“Hey!” Emily shouted, pointing a drumstick in the crowd’s direction. “That was totally uncalled for.”
Someone else threw an apple. I ducked just in time.
Where had they gotten an apple in a pub?
I looked back at Ben, wondering what we should do. Even though it was dark, I could see the tears in his eyes as he threw off his guitar and ran through the curtains.
As Emily fought off the crowd, I chased after Ben. He was already storming out the exit when I spotted him. “Ben! Come back!” I shouted, plowing through the door.
Before I could even realize what was happening, a loud, blaring alarm ripped through the establishment. Of course, the door I was holding was the emergency exit. Just my luck. A stampede of thunderous footsteps sounded behind the curtain before people started to funnel in from the stage.
I didn’t stick around long enough to let them trample me. Instead, I started down the street. Ben was up ahead, already looking tiny. He was fast, very fast. At this rate, I didn’t know if I would even be able to catch up with him, but there was no time to double back for my car.
By the time I reached the end of the street, I was winded, with no sign of Ben anywhere. It was like he had vanished.
I sighed, leaning against a utility pole, feeling like I was the biggest screw-up in the entire universe. I closed my eyes and sighed. It was dumb of me to think that my singing was good enough for anything other than shower tunes.
Suddenly, a car rumbled down the street. The low, groaning sound mixed with a slight wheezing of a torn muffler sounded familiar. I looked up to find Emily driving my car, a smug look on her face. “What’s up?” She asked as if everything was perfectly normal.
I ignored her.
“You know, if you’re looking for Ben, I know where he is.”
This piqued my interest, making her chuckle.
“He always runs and hides in the same place. He thinks I don’t know about it.”
“Where?” I asked. I didn’t know why I felt such a need to talk to him, but I did. I knew, realistically, the best thing for me to do would be to just walk away and pretend like none of this ever happened, but, at the same time, I just couldn’t let him go.
“Down by the river.” She pointed at the woods. “If you look hard enough, you’ll notice the path he takes.”
“Thanks, Em.”
“Oh, and I can use your car, right?”
“You’re already driving it.”
She grinned wildly. “Great! See you… Oh… and…” She leaned over so I could see her face. “Have fun.” She
winked, making me blush crimson.
Leave it to Emily to constantly have her mind in the gutter.
Chapter 11
Ben
It felt like my life was crumbling around me. First, Andy had betrayed me, leaving the band without a singer. Then, Emily turns up with a new singer who sounds like he is trying to be the next John Legend.
Nothing was working.
How was I supposed to keep up Farmers’ Market’s aesthetic if our styles kept clashing? As much as I liked Phil, it just couldn’t work out.
I sighed, leaning against a nearby tree, looking up at the nighttime sky. Usually, the stars twinkled brightly, like little diamonds, but tonight, they seemed dull and far away.
My mother used to tell me, “Shoot for the moon because even if you fail, you’ll land among the stars.” I was starting to think that wasn’t true. The stars were so far away, there was no way I’d ever be able to reach them…
Frustrated, I picked up a rock and threw it into the water. It sunk almost immediately. Just like me.
I was about to throw in another when I heard a twig snap nearby. I got up immediately, hiding behind a tree trunk, my fingers digging into the bark.
Could it be a wild animal? Of all the times I had been here, I had not once run into a predator. This place had always been my fortress of solitude.
There was movement to the left that caught my attention. I leaned down, picking up a heavy stick from the ground, prepared to use it as a weapon if need be. My grip tightened as I held my breath, fearing the worst.
To my surprise, however, Phil emerged from the tree line. His clothes were covered in brambles and there were a few leaves in his hair. “Ben…?” He called out, his eyes surveying the area, searching for me.
How did he find me?
“Are you here?” He stepped forward, approaching the river. “Look, I just want to talk to you.” His voice was soft and sweet, but still, I didn’t dare to come out of my hiding spot.
After what happened tonight, the last thing I wanted to do was talk.
“Ben?” He was by the river bank now, glancing up and down.
Suddenly, an owl hooted overhead, causing him to jump. He lost his footing, sliding down until he ended up in the water. The current lapped at his legs, getting his pants completely soaked.
He grumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t quite understand before he tried to get up.
His boot, however, got stuck in the mud. Trying to get it dislodged only made it worse, and he ended up falling forward, barefoot… He held out his hands to try and break his fall, but he still ended up with a face full of mud.
Feeling sorry for him, I walked up to the bank and held out my hand. “Slowly.” I prompted. “If you go too fast you’ll just keep slipping.”
He nodded, placing his hand in mine. Carefully, he hoisted himself up, leaving his shoes behind. By the time he joined me on dry land, he was completely covered in mud, looking like the creature from the Black Lagoon.
Gently, I wiped away some of the mud, trying to keep things as normal as possible which was difficult since I was pretty much rubbing every part of his body. “Uh… you might want to clean off that section yourself.”
He looked down at his crotch and blushed. When he wiped away the mud, I noticed a small lump forming. Was he being turned on by all this? The thought caused me to shudder, a small flame flickering in the pit of my stomach.
Awkwardly, I continued to help him, being very conscious of where I placed my hands. I had to admit, however, that touching Phil like this was exciting. The kind of excitement that makes you want to fly and run and scream to the world. It was as if his mere presence awakened something deep inside of me that I didn’t even know existed.
“Well, at least I don’t have to pay for a mud bath at one of those fancy spa places.” Phil joked, trying to lighten the mood.
I forced a chuckle before I sat down on a nearby rock. “Are you cold?”
“No.” He answered, but it was obvious he was shivering.
I shook my head before shrugging off my jacket and draping it around his shoulders. It didn’t seem to help all that much so I wrapped my arm around him, pulling him close, sharing some of my body heat. “This isn’t weird, is it?” I asked, my voice a soft, hesitant whisper.
Inside my chest, my heart was beating a mile a minute. I didn’t know why, but this man was affecting me in ways I had never quite felt before. On one hand, it was invigorating, but on the other, it was a bit unnerving.
“No… Thank you.” He rested his head on my shoulder, almost like we were a couple enjoying a movie together.
“What are you doing here anyway?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“How’d you find me?”
“Emily told me.”
“Emily?” I repeated in surprise. I wondered, for a moment, how long she had known about my secret hideout. Quickly, I glanced over at the large tree where I kept my diary hidden. Did she know about that too? The thought made me cringe. The last thing I wanted was for my sister to see everything I had written in that book. She would never let me hear the end of it.
Phil nodded, his wet hair tickling my cheek.
I nearly giggled at the sensation. The urge to run my fingers through his hair was overwhelming, but I somehow managed to keep my desires at bay, not wanting to make things weird.
“We need to talk.” He finally said, his tone serious.
“About?”
“Why did you run off?” He pulled away so he could look into my eyes as if the answer to his question would be written there. “There has to be something that you aren’t telling Emily and me. Something that’s been bothering you.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about this.” I crossed my arms over my chest in a defensive manner. “I just… need some time.”
Gently, he took my hand in his, squeezing it. “That’s what most people say before they bottle up their emotions. I just want you to know that whatever is on your mind, you can feel safe sharing it with me.” His words were so sincere that I nearly spilled my guts out to him right then and there.
“Thanks.”
He smiled warmly. “Do you come out here a lot?”
I nodded. “This is my special place when I want to be alone… but I guess now that both you and Emily know about it, the cat’s out of the bag.”
“It can still be your special place.”
I shrugged. “It’s just a place where I come to clear my head, where I can think.”
“What were you thinking about tonight?”
You, I almost answered, but luckily, I kept the thought in my head. Not quite sure whether I wanted to answer him or not, I tore at a few blades of grass, dropping them onto my lap.
“Look, I get it. You don’t know me very well and it might seem like I’m just barging into your life, already acting like I’m your best friend, but I just want to make sure you’re okay. I can’t really explain what it is, but I just feel this attraction to you. Like, when I’m sitting here with you, the world beyond us has stopped and nothing else matters.” His cheeks started to turn beet red as he said these words.
I was surprised by how completely honest he was being with me. “Do you really feel that way?”
“Yes… it’s strange. I’ve never felt this way around anyone before.” He moved a little closer, his hand resting on my thigh. “It is as if I’ve always known you like there’s something about you that calls out to a deeper part of myself.”
I soaked in his words, digesting them slowly. Everything he said made sense. The strange feeling I got whenever we touched. The way my heart sped up when we were close. How his scent intoxicated me to the point of getting high. All of it felt like it meant something.
As I attempted to parse through my feelings, Phil turned toward me before placing both his hands on my thighs.
I shuddered, spreading my legs slightly, almost as if my body was giving itself up to his. When I lo
oked into his eyes, I was trapped in his gaze, my heart hammering harder than ever before. The air around us grew electric, buzzing in my ears as our lips grew closer and closer.
Our noses touched. I held my breath.
“Tell me you feel it too…” Phil whispered softly, his hot breath caressing against my lips.
I nodded, my eyes closing. Somehow, Phil managed to melt away all the heartbreak, depression, and insecurities I felt. I yearned for him to hold me in his arms and swaddle me in his warmth, to make everything right in the world.