by ADAMS, J.
“Hayden,” I said, pressing a hand to his face. “Look at me.” When he finally did I said, “You didn't do anything wrong. It was just a reflexive action that made you shove her. I know the situation is different, but I had the same reaction with Chris when he kissed me.” I caressed his face. “I know you well enough to know you would never purposely hurt anyone, especially not a woman. In fact, you champion women more than any man I've ever seen. She was trying to provoke you and you handled it the best you could. You didn't do anything wrong.”
“Baby, please tell me you don't think any less of me for . . .”
I quickly took his mouth with mine, silencing his words, trying to take his pain into myself and his response was immediate. He pressed me close and hungrily accepted my comfort.
“I love you more than anything else in this world,” I finally whispered against his lips “Don't ever doubt that.”
He sighed. “I'm just sorry to bring this on you now when stress is the last thing you need. I'm supposed to be taking care of you, not making things worse.”
“Shhh,” I whispered. “You are taking care of me. No one has ever loved and cared for me the way you do. You're the best man I've ever known.”
He held onto me tightly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Hayden finally loosened his embrace enough to wipe his eyes and turn off the lamp. Then he wrapped me securely in his arms again.
I lay awake for a long while and mentally went over all he had shared with me. If surreal could be used to describe what had happened, that's the word I would pick. It was all unreal in a way, like it happened to two other people.
Once Hayden's breathing had become deep and I was sure he was asleep, I let the tears of gratitude come. And in that moment, I was truly able to let go of the painful memories of the past, because I knew without a doubt that Hayden would always be there for me. He would never let anything come between us. Not Debra. Not Jerome, nor anything the world threw at us. He was stronger than the world, and he would always guard my heart.
Anticipation makes one day seem like forever. But passing time always brings the unexpected.
Twenty-seven
For the remainder of my pregnancy, my days consisted of television, rented movies, crossword puzzles, books, magazines, and knitting baby booties and sweaters. Caroline taught me how to make them. I caught on easier than I thought I would and got pretty fast at it. Since we now knew we were having a boy, everything I knitted was blue. I never knew there were so many shades of blue. Caroline managed to find them all.
During the first few weeks, Caroline came to check on me twice a day, bringing me meals from her home. She always visited for a few minutes. While she was there, she checked the house and made sure things were done.
While Hayden appreciated his sister-in-law for helping, I knew he felt a little frustrated that he couldn't be home with me more. And after what happened with Debra, I think his need to be with me was even greater. He was still having a hard time with it all.
Hayden told David how he felt. After discussing the options, they decided to hire another worker to take a lot of the work Hayden normally did, including any hay deliveries that had to be made, and Hayden was able to be home with me for most of the day. I couldn't believe he did that for me. I was so tempted to feel like a burden again, but Hayden knew me, and he would have none of that. He assured me that his place was by my side. He wanted to be there for me. He was truly the most amazing man I had ever known.
By the time I finally hit the eight month mark, I felt as big as a house. I was completely miserable, and despite applying a little makeup in the mornings after I showered, I had never felt so unattractive in my life. I was sure that if I had been able to be up and active, it would have made a huge difference in how I felt.
I think one of the worst things for me for the past month was the restriction of physical intimacy. I missed that part of our marriage more than I could say. Hayden assured me he was fine and it didn't matter, but sometimes I couldn't help wondering if he just said that for me. Each time I started to feel that way, I immediately kicked myself for it. Hayden had never been anything but honest with me, and I knew deep down nothing would ever change his love for me.
All in all, it seemed that each new day was an emotional roller coaster ride. But I also kept reminding myself every day that it wouldn't be much longer, and I would soon have our precious little boy in my arms. I knew when that day finally came, all of the discomfort and emotional trials would be worth it.
Life is filled with both joy and sorrow, and we are meant to experience both. This is something I've always known. But Hayden would tell me sometime in the future that this particular day, and the week that followed, was the happiest and the most painful time he had ever experienced.
“Come on, baby,” Hayden said, sauntering into the bedroom that evening. “I've got a surprise for you.”
“Really?” I needed something to perk me up. I'd had a particularly down day. I had also been feeling slight contractions throughout the day, which Dr. Salem said was normal. He did tell Hayden to call or bring me in if they got any worse. Since I was only two weeks away from my due date, the doctor didn't see any complications with the baby if he came early. The prospect of going into labor was exciting, but I still had my moments.
Hayden lifted me effortlessly in his arms. “I'm taking my wife out for a romantic evening.”
“Really?” I repeated again, excited about what he had planned. He nodded and smiled. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.
He carried me down to the family room in the basement. I gasped in surprise as we entered the candle-lit room. My tear filled eyes were drawn to the floor where there was a large, thick feather bed in front of the sofa, facing the warm fireplace. It was covered with a white down comforter, and the two king-sized pillows were housed in white satin pillowcases.
To the left of the sofa sat a tray of Mexican takeout that he'd dished onto our good china. And there was a ballad playing softly on the CD player in the corner.
I finally looked into his eyes. “Boy, you sure have been busy,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion.
“Yes, ma'am.”
Mentally blaming it on hormones, I became so emotional, I couldn't speak. The little buggers were now working overtime. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to his as tears flowed down my face. He lovingly cradled me against his warm chest. I couldn't believe how wonderful he had been through my entire pregnancy. He had always made me feel so loved, and now this.
I buried my face against his neck. “I love you.”
“I love you, baby,” he murmured into my hair. “I just wanted you to have a special night.”
I drew back and caressed his beard. “Every night I'm with you is special, Hayden. Every moment. But thank you for being so thoughtful.”
“You're welcome, darlin'.” He stared into my eyes a moment before kissing me warmly. He gently placed me on the feather bed and propped the pillows up against the sofa so I could lean back comfortably. He then grabbed the tray of food and placed it between us.
As we ate, we laughed and talked about what life would be like when our son was finally here. And by the time we'd almost finished eating, we had finally decided on a name for him. Dane Hayden McKade. Hayden chose Dane because it was his father's middle name, and of course, I chose Hayden because I wanted to name our son after his father.
“I can't eat another bite,” I finally said, placing my plate on the tray. Hayden added his plate and moved the tray to the side of the feather bed. I scooted farther down, fluffed the pillow under my head, and turned on my side to face him. He lay down and pulled me into his arms.
“Thank you,” I said, looking into his eyes and resting a hand against his warm chest. “That was wonderful.”
“You're welcome.” He pressed a gentle hand to my face and softly caressed my lips. “You know I would do anything for you.”
I s
miled, my lips trembling slightly from his touch. “I know.”
We lay quietly gazing at one another and I literally felt his love radiating through my very soul. I was sure there wasn't a more blessed woman in the world. His thumb lingered on my lips a moment before he lowered his head and teased the corner of my mouth with his. I let out a breathy sigh just before his moist mouth completely descended on mine. I tangled my fingers in his hair and pressed him even tighter to me as his heated kisses melted through the very core of me. Each touch of his mouth on mine stoked the fires of longing inside me, igniting a roaring heat that seared me all over. His passionate affections went on and on. His breathing was heavy with desire.
After a while, my need for him was so great, I couldn't stop the painful whimper that escaped. When he pulled back slightly, I said, “I'm sorry, Hayden. It's just I . . .”
He put a finger to my lips. “It's all right, baby,” he said as tears filled his eyes. “We'll have our day again. But for right now, I'll be content to just hold you and kiss you.”
I sighed. “Me, too.” I smiled and pulled his head down, and his kiss was mine again. I never tired of his kisses, and they never grew old, because each time he kissed me, the love and passion I felt for him was renewed. That fact always amazed me.
I was completely immersed in the fire between us when a sudden sharp pain caused me to pull back with a gasp. I closed my eyes and moaned.
“Raine? Raine, honey, what is it?” Hayden sat up slightly and leaned over me, pressing his hand to my face.
It took me a moment to answer, the pain was so intense. “They're getting worse,” I finally said.
He completely sat up. “I'm gonna call the doctor.” He started to stand but hesitated and squeezed my hand. “Just lie here and I'll be right back, all right?”
I nodded, not able to speak as another pain suddenly came right behind the other. I gripped his hand tightly and tried to breathe.
“Forget calling. I'm taking you to the hospital.”
He quickly ran upstairs and got my slippers. He also grabbed a shirt and jacket for himself, and the Escalade keys. When he came back down, he took the quilt from the arm of the sofa and wrapped it snugly around me. “Everything is gonna be all right, baby,” he said as he lifted me in his arms. I fisted his shirt in my hand and moaned as another pain came. He quickly took me out and put me in the SUV. After getting me settled, he ran back into the house and grabbed the small suitcase I had packed a couple of weeks before. By the time we were on our way, I was crying, the pain was so bad. I think Hayden must have exceeded the speed limit a couple of times over, because we arrived at the hospital a lot sooner than I expected.
Nothing in this life is sure, except love.
Twenty-eight
The first half hour was a complete blur for me because the contractions were constant now. I was immediately checked by a nurse and an IV was inserted. When Dr. Salem arrived, he ordered an epidural for me. I squeezed Hayden's hand so tight while it was being administered, I was sure I left bruises.
As soon as the pain eased and I began to relax and breathe easier, the baby started coming. This was the moment we had anxiously waited for. I felt scared, thrilled, and excited at the same time.
Hayden's voice was soothing against my ear as he echoed the doctor's commands telling me to push. Filled with a sudden burst of energy, I did push. It only took a few hard pushes to bring our son into the world. At that moment, I experienced a joy that could not be put into words. I was actually a mother. I had a son. A son by the man I loved more than life. We both laughed and cried. Hayden repeatedly kissed my brow and told me how proud he was of me.
Then he pressed his tear-streaked face against mine as we gazed at our son when the doctor placed him in my arms.
“He's so beautiful,” I whispered.
“He is,” Hayden said against my face. “And so are you,” he added.
I turned and kissed him softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
I sighed, feeling that my life couldn't be any more perfect. I had everything I could ever want. My happiness was complete.
“Let's get this little guy weighed,” Dr. Salem said. I handed our little Dane back to the nurse. The doctor came over and rested a hand on my shoulder. “You did great, Raine, really great. But I honestly haven't seen a first time birth happen that quickly in a long time. And believe me, that was quick.”
Hayden grinned and squeezed my hand. “I guess he was anxious to get out here and see the world. He's just like his mama.”
I smiled at him, or at least I tried to smile, and at that moment I realized something was wrong. I couldn't seem to get my face to cooperate. When the right side began to twitch suddenly, I looked at the doctor, then at Hayden.
The last thing I heard was the sound of Hayden's frantic voice calling my name.
Just as you begin to feel all is lost, God in his heaven smiles.
Twenty-nine
Hayden
Hayden sat beside the bed holding his wife's hand and wiped repeatedly at the tears streaking his face.
Hours.
It had been hours since their son came into the world. Hours since the powerful seizure shook Raine's body, causing her to lose consciousness. Hours since he had been gifted with the teary gaze of her beautiful brown eyes.
He pressed his head against his free hand as the doctor's words again ran through in his mind. Returning his gaze to his wife's still form, his heart and soul were immediately hit with renewed agony.
Raine was in a coma.
When Doctor Salem had given Hayden the news, Hayden had immediately fired a string of questions at the man. How could it have happened? Why had it happened? When would she wake up? Would she wake up? He had struggled with the doctor's straightforward answer.
“I don't know. All we can do is wait.”
Wiping his face once more, Hayden moved closer to the bed and laid his head against his wife's shoulder, fingering a curl that lay against the side of her face. Then he softly spoke to her.
“I'm here, darlin'. I'm right here. And I ain't going nowhere.” He sighed and fresh emotion filled his voice. “You gotta wake soon, baby. I need you. So does our little boy. We need you so much, Raine.”
He raised his head slightly to look at her face. “Come back to me, baby,” he pleaded. “Please come back to me.” He pressed his face to her shoulder again and the tears began anew.
It was a nightmare, one he couldn't seem to wake up from. His beautiful, sweet wife might be taken from him. They hadn't even been married a year, and he could lose her. He couldn't bear the thought.
Surely God hasn't brought us this far to take it all away.
The pain was threatening to tear him apart. If he had been a drinking man, he would surely be sitting in the corner of a bar somewhere completely wasted, trying futilely to numb the pain. But if he did that, he wouldn't be where he should be, which was at his wife's side, being the kind of man, and husband she deserved. Not that he felt he really deserved her anyway. He'd tried to be worthy of her, though, and if she made it through this, when she made it through this, he would try even harder.
* * *
That afternoon, Caroline and David brought Hayden a couple of changes of clothing and his toiletry items because he refused to leave the hospital without Raine. He cried in their embrace and accepted the comfort they offered. He had asked them to call Raine's mother, which they did. They told him she would be flying in the next day.
A while later, the nurse brought little Dane in to Hayden and he held his son for a long while. He talked to Raine the entire time about their baby.
That evening the same nurse brought Hayden a pillow and blanket to use in the recliner when he was ready to sleep. He didn't think he would be able to, but once he slid the recliner as close to the bed as possible, he eventually gave into exhaustion and drifted to sleep with his wife's name on his lips and a prayer in his heart that he wouldn't lose her.
/> A new day is never promised, but is welcomed beyond words.
Thirty
As I slowly began to awaken, I groaned from the pain of my sore muscles. Feeling something over my nose, I reached up and felt the oxygen mask. I pushed it away and slowly opened my eyes. Feeling a gentle pressure on my hand, I turned my head to the side, letting my eyes rest on Hayden's face.
“Welcome back, baby,” he said for the second time, his voice cracking, and his red-rimmed eyes filling with tears. He pressed a hand to my face. “Baby . . . I was . . . I was so scared I was gonna lose you.”
I looked at his face. His handsome features were haggard, and he looked as if he had aged several years. “Hayden,” I whispered hoarsely, “what's wrong? Is the baby all right?”
He nodded and swallowed. He answer came out in a sob. “The baby is just fine, darlin'. He's eight pounds, and he's beautiful.”
My eyes roamed over his face again and I squeezed his hand, startled by his emotion. “What's wrong?”
He again swallowed hard and continued to caress my face. “Baby, you have been in a coma for a week.”
I was completely stunned. “What do you mean?”
He sniffed and wiped his eyes. “You had a seizure and you just went unconscious. The doctor said there was a chance you might not wake up. He said that it happens sometimes with preeclampsia patients.” His eyes were full of pain.
I loosened my hand from his and pressed it to his face, suddenly understanding why he looked so worn. “I'm so sorry,” I said
He pressed a kiss to the palm of my hand. “I was so scared, Raine. I was so scared. Just when I had everything I could ever want, I thought you were gonna be taken from me.”
I pulled him to me and held his face against mine, pressing my hand in his hair. “I'll never leave you, Hayden,” I breathed against his ear. “I'll be with you forever. I'm pretty stubborn that way.” I felt the sob that shuddered through him and choked back one of my own as tears stung my eyes. “I'm all right,” I continued to whisper as I stroked his hair. “I'm all right.”