by Jamie Pope
* * *
Julian felt restless yet exhausted at the same time. He had left work a little earlier than usual and went to the gym. He didn’t often miss football. He liked using his mind even if others tried to diminish his intelligence, but he missed the punishing workouts he used to do to get ready for the season. They helped clear his mind. He also missed the team work, being a part of something, having a common goal. That was missing in his law firm.
He sat down on his couch and flicked on the television, but nothing caught his attention. The day still hadn’t left his thoughts. He had overwhelmed Sunny. He took all his cases seriously and he wanted to believe that this one was like any of his others, but maybe he was lying to himself.
This case made him think of his mother, far more often than he wanted to. She called him every six weeks or so, her obligatory check in. Pretending that she cared about him, about the children she didn’t want to live with.
She had a new life, a new husband in Maryland. He wondered why she bothered to check in with her adult children when they both had done more than fine without her. Still he picked up the phone when she called, maybe just to rub it in her face that both he and Galen had grown up perfectly fine without her.
He remembered that day in court vividly when the divorce was being finalized.
“I want nothing from him,” she told the judge with no emotion on her face.
Not the house or the cars. No alimony. She had wanted to erase her husband from her past.
“And have you reached an agreement on custody?”
“He can have them. I can’t raise them. I don’t want custody.”
She didn’t even ask for visitation. Julian wasn’t supposed to be there that day. But he begged his father to go and he sat in the back of the courtroom in the corner. He didn’t know why he wanted to be there. To see her, maybe. For her to see him and realize that she did want to be with her children. She had left a long time before she even bothered to file for divorce. Years. Part of Julian thought his father always expected her to come back. Even though she had asked for a divorce, neither one of them had filed.
But she had initiated things when she wanted to get married to someone else. He had been fourteen at the time and he didn’t believe it was possible for love to die all in one moment, but it had that day. He was done with her that day. She had given them up. She had abandoned them again.
It wasn’t anything like Soren or Sunny went through. Their mothers probably had much different issues than his own, but he believed that if his mother truly loved him she would have stayed. She would have tried harder to make a connection with them, her bigoted family be damned.
He reached for his cell phone and dialed Sunny’s number. She picked up on the second ring.
“Why hello, Jules.” Her voice sounded sleepy and kind of sweet. He could imagine her lying in bed in that tiny, hopeful but worn apartment of hers. He could imagine the drunks on the street coming in and out of the bar, the addicts that frequented the clinic just a few doors down.
He knew the statistics of crime that were related to alcohol. He had looked up the incidents that had happened in her neighborhood recently. He didn’t like picturing her there. She had no family. No mother to worry about her, no father to disapprove of her place, no big brother to call when someone was bothering her. She was alone and he couldn’t stop thinking about that fact. He didn’t know why he cared, but he didn’t want her to be alone. He wanted her to have somebody.
“I just wanted to make sure you got home.”
“You made me leave well before dark. I’ve lived here for years. I’ve managed to make it home long before I met you.”
And she would probably continue to make it home well after they parted company, but still he felt compelled to call. “I insist on having my clients alive for the duration of my cases.”
“My building looks better in the daylight. I promise.” He could hear the smile in her voice. “Would you miss me if I were gone?”
“I’d miss you like I’d miss a migraine.”
“That’s cold.”
“Yup. Icy.”
She laughed and he suddenly found himself thinking that he would rather be having this conversation with her in person than over the phone. To have her curled up next to him. It wasn’t a sexual thought. He didn’t long to take her to bed, just to be in the same room with her, and that shook him.
Sexual need he could understand, but this he couldn’t. They had just met. They had nothing in common, except maybe they did. They weren’t discussing culture and politics, but they did have some very fundamental things in common.
He wished he could say he was projecting his feelings for Regina on to her, but he didn’t miss her like he should. He didn’t miss her at all.
“I wanted to apologize.”
“To me? Hold on. Let me look out of the window.”
“Why?”
“I need to make sure the sky isn’t falling.”
“You’re a smartass.” He found himself smiling.
“It’s better than being a dumbass.”
“Are you going to let me apologize?”
“I don’t see why you would feel the need to.”
“I overwhelmed you today.”
“Ah, that. Yes. You did.” She paused for a moment. “I don’t admit that lightly. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but maybe I didn’t think this through all the way.”
“Do you want to quit?” He realized he was holding his breath as he waited for her answer.
“No. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied until I know who Soren’s mother is.”
“Why is this child so important to you?” He had seen the pain in her eyes today. He could see the fear. “You must have other kids whose lives are just as complicated.”
“She’s been with me the longest. I was there the day her mother left her. I was there when her first foster family sent her back because she refused to speak. I was there when she said her first words after not speaking to anyone for nearly a year. I was the person she told everything to. I see myself in her. I know exactly how it feels to be left that way. Most of the kids we remove, but Soren and I were both just left alone. I want her to have her happy ending. I want her not to have to worry about being abandoned again.”
“I need to meet her and her parents. I need to get as much information from her as possible.”
“I know. It won’t be easy though. It’s very hard for her to talk about her biological mother. She’s angry at her but devastated by her loss. And yet she doesn’t want to go back to her, because she knows that she won’t feel as safe with her. It’s terrible knowing you aren’t safe with your mother.”
“You’re depressing the hell out of me.”
“Just because my name is Sunshine doesn’t mean I bring it.”
“Apparently not. Seen any good shows lately?”
“Only if you count the two rats fighting over a hot dog in the subway the other day.”
“I think I would have liked to see that.”
“I recorded it. I’ll show you the next time I see you.”
“You’ll set up the meeting with the Earls?”
“I will.”
“Good.” He wanted to stay on the phone with her. He wanted to take it into his bedroom and fall asleep with her on the line but that was a ridiculous idea, it was a ridiculous longing. He shouldn’t have called her tonight. He shouldn’t have invited her to eat lunch with him in the park that day. He shouldn’t have taken this case. But he had and now he was stuck with her and these uncomfortable feelings he wanted to push away. “Sleep well, Sunshine.”
“I’ll see you soon, Jules.”
* * *
Sunny had made the call to the Earls that morning. It was a surprisingly quick conversation. She told Jeannie Earl that she had a friend who was a lawyer who was willing to help them in their fight to keep Soren. Jeannie had agreed immediately. When Sunny tried to warn her that they might have to dig into their per
sonal lives in case this battle went to court, Jeannie didn’t bat an eyelash.
“I’m a mother who lost a child once. I don’t care what needs to be done. I can’t go through that again.”
And that was it. They had agreed to meeting Julian and allowing him to question Soren about her past. There seemed to be no doubt in their minds, but Sunny was still scared. She didn’t know what she wanted out of this. Did she really want to know what happened to her mother?
Was she really crazy for going down this road based on some letters sent from the same location as her mother had last been seen, and sent from a woman who had left two daughters behind?
But even if she took herself out of it, put her selfishness away, she wanted to do this for Soren, to give her the family she had always wanted for herself.
“Sunny?” She looked up to see Detective Rodgers walking toward her desk.
“Hi!” She stood up, happy to see him, but feeling shy at the same time. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see why you haven’t responded to my retirement party invitation.”
She never thought he would call her out on it. She thought he’d have his party surrounded by his family and friends and not give another thought to her. “I’m not sure I can make it.”
“Bullshit.” He sat down at the chair in front of her desk. “If you truly were busy, or you really didn’t want to attend, you would have called me and told me. But you’re waffling. Something is holding you back.”
“Damn, you are a good detective.”
“I try.” He grinned at her and folded his arms across his chest. “What’s the matter, kid?”
“I don’t want to feel like an outsider there,” she admitted.
“What are you talking about? There will be a hundred people attending. Some of them are people I have arrested. I’ve always said that cops and criminals have the most fun parties.”
“I didn’t think you’d notice that I wasn’t there.”
“How would I not notice? I’ve known you longer than my wife. You’ve been in my life longer than my kids. I think about you, Sunny. I’m proud of you. I love you, kid.”
“What?” She shook her head.
“You heard me. You were so tiny when we found you and you had the biggest, saddest eyes and I couldn’t just leave you with child protective services and never know what became of you. And at every turn you surprised me. You could have turned out so differently. You didn’t have an easy life. I’ve seen it before. The world expects a kid like you to be dead or in jail now, but you’ve got a master’s degree. You’re helping save kids every day. You’re like a daughter to me.”
She had wanted to be his daughter. She had wondered every time they had moved her to another home, why he didn’t take her.
“I thought about taking you,” he continued, reading her mind. “I even asked your social worker about the process, but I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”
“You wanted me?” She couldn’t believe what he was saying.
“Yes, you were thirteen at the time and you had just been moved to another home and then you got that letter from your mother. You went all quiet on me. I would call to see how you were and you would barely talk. It was months before we connected. I didn’t think you wanted me a part of your life anymore.”
“Don’t you know that thirteen-year-olds are the most unreasonable people in the world?”
“I didn’t fully understand that until I had some thirteen-year-olds of my own.”
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“I’ve learned that about you. You don’t want to impose. When you called me to invite me to your college graduation you told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to about a dozen times. And then you tried to refuse to allow us to take you out to dinner. You were going to eat alone on the night of your graduation!”
She shrugged. She didn’t know what to say. He was right. She didn’t want to bother him. She had always felt like an obligation. When you’re a foster kid, people take care of you because they have to not because they want to.
“I’m glad you came.”
“You’re going to come to my party. And you’re going to sit at the table with my family. And you’re going to have a good time.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll even bring a gift.”
“You had better. And when I move to Florida, you’ll come to visit me. I have a house on the beach and a little boat.” He stood up. “I want you to find love, Sunny. I want you to let yourself be loved without fear of rejection. I want you to be happy. I want you to make your own family. I want to stop worrying about you so much.”
She nodded, feeling emotional and overwhelmed again. It was hard for her. It was why she never had a real relationship with a man. It was why she made this job and the children she worked for her life. “I’ll try.”
“That’s all I could ask for.” He walked around to her side of her desk and leaned over to kiss her cheek. “I’ll see you soon.”
“You will.”
He left and Sunny sat at her desk for a while unable to concentrate on her work. She picked up her cell phone not really aware of who she was calling until she heard his voice on the other side of the phone. “Sunny.”
“Julian.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked her.
“Nothing. I just wanted to let you know that I spoke with the Earls. They are in support of everything and said I could give you their contact information. They are very thankful for your help.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked her again.
“Nothing,” she said, but this time she choked on the word.
“There’s a little coffee shop not too far from where you work that makes the best cake on the planet. Are you in the mood for a snack?”
She had been ready to tell him no, and she didn’t know why she hadn’t. “I’m always in the mood for a snack.”
A half hour later she had met him at the coffee shop. He was sitting at a table in the back, but he stood up as soon as he saw her. His suit jacket was off. His sleeves were rolled up, revealing those powerful forearms of his that she really enjoyed looking at. There was a hint of a tattoo peeking out. She had seen it the day they walked in the park. She liked it on him. It told her that he was more than the buttoned-up lawyer that he liked to pretend to be. “I ordered. A lot of things. I realized that I hadn’t eaten since six this morning.”
There was a small feast there, but she didn’t have time to look at it. She didn’t know if she moved toward him or if he grabbed her, but they were hugging. Her head was resting on his chest. His arms were wrapped around her. She felt secure again. Like nothing from the outside could touch her.
She pulled away first. She could get used to that. She could start to like it too much. She could start to need this. “I would like to see how hard you work out in order to eat all this food and keep your body that hard.”
“Sometimes I work out twice a day.” He pulled out a chair for her and motioned for her to sit. Again he didn’t take a seat across from her like most people would, but he sat next to her at the four-top.
“I’d rather be fat,” she said with a shudder.
He grinned. “Remember it’s how I blow off steam.”
“Sex, Julian. You need to have sex. You must be missing that ex of yours. She might look cold but I’d bet the last thing she was is frigid.”
“I make it a point not to talk about my sex life with clients.”
“But I’m not your client right now. I want to be your friend.”
He nodded. “Fine.” He leaned forward, almost placing his lips on her ear. “That’s one of the reasons I exclusively date older women. They know what to do in bed and what they want. It makes everything so much more satisfying when a woman knows what she wants.”
“But don’t all women want a man who can so thoroughly wear them out that they can’t walk the next morning? I’m looking at the size of you. I’d bet you have worn out legions of women.”
“This is fancy grilled cheese.” She picked it up and bit into it and then moaned. “What’s in this?”
“Brie, bacon, and apricot.” He took the other half and started eating. “It’s comfort food at its finest.”
“You think I need comforting?”
“I could hear it in your voice when I answered the phone. Something is up. I want you to tell me.”
This was something she might normally tell Arden, but her friend was so preoccupied with the pending arrival and her move that Sunny didn’t want to bother her. “The police officer who found me in the closet came to see me today.”
“You’re still in touch?”
“Yes. He’s kept up with me for over twenty years and now he’s retiring and moving to Florida. Besides my social workers, he’s been the one steady thing in my life and now he’s leaving.”
“This man saw where you lived and let you live there?”
“I’m a grown woman, Julian. He can’t stop me. And of course he’s never been there. He would have had a fit if he had seen it.”
“So you do admit how shitty your neighborhood is?”
“You’re off topic, counselor.”
“You’re right. So you’re sad about him moving?”
“Yes, but there’s more to it than that. I had always kept him at a distance. He saved my life. I had been there for three days. My food had run out. And then he and his partner appeared and he bought me hot dogs and soda and he stayed with me when I was in the hospital and he held my hand all the way up until I had gone into emergency foster care. I was so grateful to him for being my friend to hold on to when I was so damn terrified I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to me. I didn’t want to feel like a burden. The older I got the more I pushed him away. But he never went too far and then he tells me today that he had wanted to adopt me when I was thirteen, but he didn’t think I had wanted anything to do with him, so he didn’t go through with the process.”