Torn

by Cat Clarke

  I took the longest shower I could get away with, relishing the peace. When I eventually came out of the bathroom, Rae was listening to her iPod and Cass and Polly were sitting on Polly’s bed, whispering. It was good to see Cass being nice to Polly, especially since she’d never been particularly nice about her. But Cass had a natural sense of what was right and what was not. And the way Polly had been treated most definitely fell into the ‘not’ category.

  Cass scooted back over to her own bed. She was looking very pleased with herself, which made me suspicious. Before I could ask what she was up to, Tara came sweeping in.

  ‘What’s up, ladies?’ I could hardly believe her nerve.

  Cass’s face transformed from smug to scared quicker than you could blink. ‘Tara! Did you see him?’ Eh? What is she on about?

  Tara was as confused as me. ‘What? Who?’

  ‘The man … there was a man. Outside. Looking in the window.’

  ‘Bullshit!’ Tara laughed. ‘You probably just saw your own reflection, loser.’

  ‘No. It was a man. I SAW him, I swear it.’

  Tara stood with her hands on her hips. ‘Oooh! A man! That must have been particularly terrifying for you … given your preferences.’

  A timid voice piped up from the corner. ‘I saw him too.’ So Polly was in on it. Whatever it was.

  Tara rolled her eyes. ‘It was probably Mr Miles, or Duncan or Paul.’

  Cass shook her head, all solemn. ‘I don’t think so. Unless one of them would have a good reason to be wearing a balaclava and creeping round our cabin.’

  Tara looked from Cass to Polly and then back again. Then she looked at me for verification. ‘Did you see this mystery man then, Alice?’

  ‘I … just got out of the shower.’

  Tara glanced over at Rae, but she was oblivious to everything. For just a second, I thought Tara looked unsure. But only for a second. ‘Well, if some perv wants to check us out, then let’s give him a proper show.’ She whipped off her T-shirt and jiggled in front of the window.

  ‘Tara! Don’t!’ Cass jumped up and pulled the curtains together violently.

  ‘Tara! Don’t! Don’t be so pathetic, Cass. It was probably just some local yokel getting his jollies. I mean, who can blame him.’ She gestured at herself and laughed.

  ‘I think we should tell someone,’ said Polly.

  ‘I’ll tell Daley in the morning, but I don’t think we should tell any of the others. No point scaring everyone.’ Cass looked serious. Her face didn’t particularly suit serious.

  Tara snorted. ‘No one would believe you anyway. Right … if you lot have quite finished wetting your pants over nothing … Oops, sorry, Sutcliffe – bad choice of words. Anyway, I’m going to bed.’ Polly’s face was expressionless. The words just bounced off her; she had a force field now. And an ally.

  We all got ready for bed. I was trying to work out what the hell was going on. Obviously Cass and Polly were lying about the man at the window. But why? It’d take more than the idea of some peeping Tom to spook Tara.

  When I was sure the others were asleep I crept over to Cass’s bed and shook her.

  ‘Wha …?’

  ‘What was all that about? That “man at the window” crap?’ I whispered.

  Her grin shone bright white in the darkness. ‘Oh, that. Just something me and Polly came up with.’

  ‘Since when have you and Polly been partners-in-crime?’

  ‘Since she decided to fight back against Tara the super-bitch.’

  ‘Making up some story isn’t exactly what I’d call fighting back.’

  ‘Don’t you worry – that was just Stage One.’ She was completely awake now and the glee was bursting out of her voice. ‘Wait till you see what we’ve got in store for her. It’ll be epic.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’ I tried my best to sound bored, but I was desperate to know what she was up to.

  Cass tapped her nose. ‘I’m afraid that’s classified information.’

  ‘Classified! You’re so ridiculous. Look, Cass, just tell me.’

  ‘Nope, sorry. No can do. You’d only try and talk us out of it. I know you.’

  ‘Fine. Be like that. See if I care.’ I scampered back to my own bed and flung the covers over my head. I was fuming; I hated being out of the loop. Cass usually told me everything. Which meant this plan of hers had to be A Bad Idea.

  11

  I couldn’t sleep that night and woke up feeling megacranky. Tara was the only other one awake. She was looking out of the window at the misty morning. She looked like a normal human being, a nice normal human being. She heard me emerging from my cocoon of tartan.

  ‘Morning, Alice.’ This was maybe the nicest thing she’d said to me for four years or more, but I tried not to read too much into it.

  ‘Morning.’

  ‘Wow. You look like shit.’ Ah, that’s more like it.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Do you believe that bollocks Cass was on about last night? Some crazy psycho stalking us?’

  The way I saw it, I had a choice: a) tell her that of course I didn’t believe it. Cass was just trying to wind her up, or b) lie. It was not a difficult decision to make.

  ‘Well, Cass seemed pretty freaked out about it. And it takes a lot to freak her out.’

  ‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ she said.

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Oh.’

  I felt like I’d scored a point. The score currently stood at: Tara – 13,472 points (give or take a few), Alice – 1.

  Tara meandered over to my bed and lowered her voice. ‘You know, just for the record, it wasn’t me who told everyone about Polly.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’ I felt terribly brave, saying those words out loud.

  ‘You can believe what you want. I couldn’t care less.’

  ‘And I suppose you had nothing to do with the toilet roll in the dining room either?’ Shut up, Alice. This cannot end well for you.

  Tara looked me in the eye, and I felt like she was seeing the inside of me. All that is Alice. I was sure she was going to say something that would cut me to the core, leaving me feeling hollow and worthless. But she just smiled at me. Not a smirk this time, a smile. But it was a sad sort of smile. A smile that hinted at what used to be. What might have been.

  I had no idea what to make of it, and was relieved when she released me from her gaze and headed into the bathroom. I didn’t believe her. It had to have been her who told everyone about Polly.

  Monday was mercifully less eventful than the day before. We went kayaking on the loch, which turned out to be almost fun. I shared a kayak with Rae. Cass was with Polly, which made me uneasy.

  Tara had managed to wangle her way into Duncan’s kayak. She kept on asking him questions, and you could just tell he was loving the attention. He was careful not to act too keen when Daley was around, but that wasn’t too much of a problem – Daley and Mr Miles were woefully inadequate at manoeuvring their kayak. They couldn’t paddle in time to save their lives; whenever she wanted to go left, he wanted to go right. It was a total shambles.

  The afternoon brought orienteering in the rain. The rain was different from London rain: icy needles flying horizontally at your face. Once again I found myself paired with Rae, who could at least read a compass. I let her lead the way, making sure she knew I wanted to get back to camp and get dry as soon as was humanly possible. We even talked a bit. I asked her what kind of music she was into, and she went off on one – talking a million miles a minute. It was as if the words had been all bottled up and she’d just been waiting for someone to actually ask before popping the cork. I’d never heard of half the bands she mentioned, but I nodded in all the right places.

  We managed to finish the course before I got hypothermia, which was a relief. Tara and Danni had somehow managed to get back first. They were looking mighty pleased with themselves, huddled over their mugs of hot chocolate. They must have cheated. Tara looked up when I came squelching
in. She gave me a little wave, and I waved back, not wanting to look rude. Idiot.

  The other girls came in two by two, laughing and bitching and moaning. Daley checked them all off on her list. Until there were only two missing: Cass and Polly. We waited. Everyone had an extra hot chocolate. We waited some more. Miss Daley started to look restless. Jess told her to give them another ten minutes or so, but it was obvious she was worried too – she kept on fiddling with her dreadlocks. Still, we waited. Just as Daley was about to burst a blood vessel from stress, in they strolled. Soaked to the skin and looking sheepish.

  ‘Where on earth have you two been? We were worried about you!’

  ‘Sorry, miss. But map-reading is haaaaaard. We ended up going in completely the wrong direction. It was totally my fault,’ said Cass. Polly nodded fervently.

  I wondered why Cass was lying. She knew how to read maps the way I knew how to read the back of cereal boxes.

  They came over and sat with me and Rae in the corner.

  ‘So you got lost, did you?’ I didn’t try to mask the scepticism in my voice.

  ‘Of course not! We were exploring.’ Cass looked at Polly and they both laughed. I think I preferred the old Polly.

  ‘In this weather? Cass, you’re crazy.’

  ‘It’s only a bit of rain! Besides, it’ll be worth it.’ More secret looks between Cass and Polly.

  OK, I’ll admit it: I was feeling kind of left out. I didn’t like this new alliance one little bit. Yes, it was cool that Cass was being nice to Polly. But she didn’t have to be her NBF, did she? What about me? OLD Best Friend. I knew I was being stupid. There was no way Polly was going to replace me. Their blossoming friendship was temporary, borne out of mutual Tara-loathing. It would be over soon, I was sure of it.

  Rae and I found ourselves alone in the cabin. It seemed like we were doomed to spend the rest of the trip in each other’s company. We played cards in silence, sitting cross-legged on my bed.

  ‘They’re up to something, aren’t they?’ She swiped at her fringe, which was always falling in front of her eyes. It promptly fell right back again.

  I picked up an ace from the deck. ‘Yeah, I think so.’

  ‘I overheard them talking about balaclavas or something this morning.’

  I filled Rae in on what she’d missed last night.

  She nodded thoughtfully. ‘And Cass won’t tell you what’s going on? I thought you two were supposed to be best friends or something.’

  ‘We are supposed to be best friends or something. I mean, we are best friends.’ I sighed. ‘She thinks I won’t approve, which is stupid.’

  ‘Sounds like she’s got something pretty major planned …’

  ‘I hope not. It’s a waste of time trying to get one over on Tara.’

  ‘Why? Don’t you think she deserves it? The way she swans around, acting like she’s Queen of the fucking Universe.’ Rae sounded bitter. ‘You used to be friends with her, didn’t you?’

  I was surprised – I thought this little nugget had been erased from the consciousness of the entire school. ‘Yeah. She was … different back then.’

  ‘I’d bloody hope so. Otherwise I’d be seriously questioning your taste.’

  ‘God, I want to go home.’ Where did that come from?

  ‘But why? Aren’t you having, like, a super-fantastic time?’ Her voice was a perfect imitation of Gemma (or Sam – they were kind of interchangeable). ‘You know what they say: “Your school years are the best years of your life.” To which I say, “If that’s true, I might as well kill myself now.”’ I laughed, and Rae looked sort of pleased.

  Cass and Polly came crashing into the cabin, slamming the door behind them. Cass was hiding something behind her back in a none-too-subtle fashion. I didn’t even bother to ask. It was too tiresome for words.

  But that didn’t stop Rae. ‘What’s that behind your back?’

  ‘Nothing!’ Guilty as anything.

  ‘If you didn’t want us to ask then you would have hidden it a bit better, wouldn’t you?’ Nice one, Rae.

  Cass shrugged. ‘It’s just a couple of props, that’s all.’

  ‘For what?’ asked Rae.

  Cass looked over her shoulder, as if worried she might be overheard. ‘For getting Tara back. Didn’t Alice tell you about the man who’s been watching us?’

  ‘The fake man you made up to try and scare Tara? Yeah – pretty lame, if you ask me.’

  ‘Ah, but you don’t know the half of it. That was just laying the groundwork. Wait till you hear the rest!’

  ‘Oh great, so you’ll tell Rae, but not me. That’s charming.’ I sounded like a five-year-old.

  ‘Aw, don’t be like that, Alice. I was always gonna tell you! And besides, we’re going to need your help. Both of you.’

  Rae and I looked at each other. I don’t know what was going through her mind, but I was thinking Uh-oh.

  Rae retreated to her bed and picked up her iPod. ‘I can’t be arsed. Sounds like more trouble than it’s worth.’

  ‘But don’t you want to teach her a lesson? Show her she’s not as great as she thinks she is? Get her back for everything?’ Cass’s voice was fierce and her eyes were shining with excitement.

  ‘Get her back for what? She’s never done anything to me,’ said Rae.

  ‘But she’s ignored you, hasn’t she? She’s ignored all of us. And look at what she did to Polly!’ Polly nodded along with Cass’s words, looking more like a lapdog than ever.

  I had to say it: ‘Actually, Tara told me it wasn’t her.’

  Cass’s laugh was an ugly bark. ‘Since when do you and Bitchface share heart-to-hearts? Oh wait, I forgot you two used to be like that.’ She crossed her fingers together to show just how close Tara and I supposedly were. I had no idea why Cass was suddenly throwing this back in my face.

  Polly spoke up. ‘It was her. I know it was her.’

  We all fell silent. She was probably right. And if it wasn’t her, she could have stopped it. Any decent person would have stopped it.

  ‘So what do you say, Alice? Are you in or out?’

  A lot rested on my answer. If I said no, Cass would take that as a sign of some kind of loyalty to Tara, which wouldn’t be true at all. It would just mean that I didn’t want to get involved in some stupid schoolgirl prank – one that would only end badly, for us. Even if we managed to ‘get’ Tara, she’d only end up getting us back. She’d go bigger and better and make us all social outcasts forever. But Cass would never forgive me for chickening out, and she’d go ahead with the plan anyway.

  And if I said yes, well, who knew what was going to happen? And that was the problem: I like knowing what’s going to happen. I like planning and organizing and all those things that just aren’t very cool. Cass is all spontaneous and reckless. She lives in the moment, and I live next Wednesday at precisely 2.30 p.m.

  I needed to loosen up – live a little.

  ‘I’m in.’

  12

  I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. I wanted to stuff them back in and swallow them, but I didn’t get the chance because Tara, Danni, Sam and Gemma chose that exact moment to invade our cabin.

  Our reactions were very different: Rae immediately plugged herself into her iPod. Polly picked up a book and you could tell she was trying really hard to concentrate on it and not look at the witches. Cass did her best to stand her ground and treat them all to her special evil glare, but it just bounced off them and smacked her in the forehead. And I … did nothing. Sat there on my bed, wishing I was invisible.

  ‘So, welcome to my humble abode. Not up to much, is it?’ Tara looked round at each one of us, just in case it wasn’t painfully clear that she included us in that assessment.

  ‘Nah, ours is way nicer. And I don’t think much of the locals – they’re not very friendly,’ said Danni. The others laughed. Gemma laughed a little bit too much, as usual. She sounded like a hyena with learning difficulties.

  Cass stepped forwar
d. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, Danni. Please accept my apologies for not meeting your high standards.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologize, Cassandra. You can’t help it.’ Danni smiled brightly.

  ‘Fuck off!’

  ‘Now there’s no need for language like that. Danni was only joking.’ Tara stepped in and patted Cass on the cheek. Cass flushed fierce red with anger. ‘There’s no reason we can’t all get along, is there? Polly, I’m so sorry for what happened to you the other night. If I find out who did it, I’ll sort them out. I promise you.’

  Polly looked up from her book with a gormless expression on her face. She didn’t quite know what to make of this. None of us did. ‘I … thanks.’

  The four of them crowded onto Tara’s bed and proceeded to talk about Duncan. The rest of us did our best to studiously ignore them, but it wasn’t easy. They dissected him from head to toe, detailing every inch of his hotness (but neglecting to mention his calves – I guess that was just my thing). Tara stayed strangely quiet at first, letting the others build him up to full-on Adonis status. And then …

  ‘He kissed me.’

  ‘What?’ ‘When?’ ‘No way!’ That was the three of them. I’m not sure who said what, because my mind was too busy shouting LIAR! to listen properly.

  She was lying. She had to be. There was no way that could have happened. Why was she saying it in front of us anyway? Why wasn’t she just whispering it to the others in the cabin next door? Wasn’t she worried that one of us might tell Daley or something? Of course not. As far as Tara’s concerned, we’d never dare to grass her up. She’s probably right.

  Tara didn’t even bother to lower her voice as she gave them the gory details. She wanted us all to hear. She wanted us to be jealous. And I was – until I remembered that she had to be lying.