Faded Denim: Color Me Trapped

by Melody Carlson

  Kendra simply shakes her head. And Faye, like monkey-see-monkey-do, follows suit. Penny, who’s already sitting on the outskirts of this group, just looks away as if she suspects this has to do with her. Hilary pulls her knees up to her chin and looks at her feet, and Jenna looks exasperated and tired. Pretty much the way I feel right now. Why do they have to make everything so difficult?

  I glance over to Chelsea, hoping that this sweet girl might be able to help me out of this mess, but even she looks to be at a loss right now.

  “Is there any way we can switch cabins?” Kendra suddenly says in a snitty tone, interrupting the uncomfortable silence.

  “Huh?” I look at her and try to figure out what she means by this. Then I glance around our cabin’s interior to see if there’s something second-rate about it, but everything seems to be in fairly good condition, for a cabin anyway.

  “Can we?” she persists.

  “Do you think there’s something wrong with this cabin?” I ask. Of course, this just makes her start giggling again.

  “Not the cabin,” she says, using that snitty tone again. “Just the people in it.”

  Faye puts her hand over her mouth now, as if she’s trying to suppress her own giggles, and the sound that erupts is like a snort, which makes Kendra laugh even harder.

  “What do you mean by that?” I ask Kendra, knowing that I’m probably opening a great big ugly can of worms right now. But maybe it’s better to just get this crud out in the open, deal with it, and get it over with.

  She rolls her eyes as if it’s obvious. “It’s like you said, Emily, some of the people in this cabin are different.” Then she glances at Faye, for support I’m sure. “And some of us don’t really belong in this group. It makes us feel uncomfortable and we’d rather be someplace else where we fit in better. Isn’t camp supposed to be fun? Anyway, can we switch?”

  I take in a deep breath, feeling like I really don’t need this right now. But here it is anyway. And my patience, unlike my waistline, has worn thin. “Kendra,” I begin in a serious tone, and the cabin grows very quiet, “it’s clear that you think you are better than the rest of us.” I glance at her cohort. “And maybe you think that too, Faye. But I’d like to know just what is it that makes you two so much better. Why do you think you are superior to us?”

  Kendra just shrugs, giving me a look that says, Duh, isn’t it obvious?

  But Faye glances away, like maybe she’s a little embarrassed by my accusation. Good.

  “Come on, Kendra,” I urge. “Why do you think you’re so special? What gives you the right to treat others like they’re below you? Like you should be able to just walk on them? Can you tell the group, please? I’m sure we’d all like to know what makes you better.” I glance around at the other girls and see a mixture of expressions, everything from extremely uncomfortable to very curious.

  Kendra looks directly at Penny now. “Well, for one thing, she is fat.” Then she looks at Chelsea, “and she’s a geek,” and then she looks at Hilary, “and she won’t even talk to anyone,” and then she looks at Jenna, and I can’t imagine what she’s going to say about the pretty girl, who hasn’t rubbed anyone wrong as far as I can see. “And Jenna is anorexic.”

  Jenna stands up now, putting her hands on her slim hips and scowling at Kendra. “And you are just plain mean, Kendra. I hate you and Faye both! I hate all of you!” Then Jenna goes and climbs up onto her bunk, turning her back to us, and I think she’s crying. This is going so well.

  Hilary is hunched over with her head bent all the way down into her knees as if she’s trying to turn into a ball, and Penny is starting to cry now, and I would like to strangle Kendra.

  “Jenna is right,” I tell Kendra. “You are mean. And you do think you’re better than everyone else in this cabin, but you are so wrong. In fact, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Did you know that Jesus said that people who want to be great should humble themselves? He said they should treat others better than themselves. And you’re doing just the opposite, Kendra. Do you think Jesus would like how you’re treating other people? Or maybe you’re not really a Christian.”

  “I am too a Christian,” she says in an angry voice.

  “Then act like one,” I tell her.

  Now I look around the rest of the group. “Hey, I don’t know you guys very well yet, but I’m really sorry that Kendra has gotten us off to such a crummy start.”

  No one says anything for several seconds. And I’m not sure what to do or say now. Can anything make this better? “Penny,” I finally say, waiting for this poor girl to make eye contact with me, “I know how you feel. I really struggle with my weight too. I’ve felt like the fat girl lots of times. But I can tell that you’re a really sweet person, and I can tell that you’ve got a sensitive spirit. And I’m really looking forward to getting to know you better.” I smile, and to my relief, she smiles back, just slightly, but enough to give me hope.

  “And Hilary,” I say, waiting for her to pull her head out of her knees and look up, “I don’t know you either. But I can see that you love to read, and I’m guessing you’re smart too. And I just hope that you’ll open up and let us get to know you better because I’m sure you’re a really interesting girl. Can you do that?”

  The corners of her mouth tilt up just slightly, then she says, “Okay.”

  “And Chelsea,” I say with relief, “you have been my hero today. And I’m guessing that you take being a Christian seriously, because Jesus’ love is so obvious in your life. And if I had to pick a second leader in this cabin, it would definitely be you. I hope all you girls will take the time to get to know Chelsea better, because I know this girl has something very special going on.”

  Chelsea looks slightly embarrassed, but then she gives us a big grin, and her silver braces just gleam.

  Now I look at Jenna, or rather her back since she’s still up in her bunk, still facing the wall. “And Jenna,” I say loudly, hoping she’ll turn around, “I know you a little from my church and I’ve always liked you, and I also happen to think you’re a very pretty girl, but that’s about all I know. And I’m sure there’s a whole lot more, so I hope you’ll let us get to know you better too.”

  She makes a little grunt so that at least I know she heard me. Then I turn my attention to Kendra’s partner in crime. “Faye, I don’t really know you, but you seem to be a follower, and it appears that you’ve fallen right into Kendra’s control. But I think that underneath those giggles and smart remarks, you still feel a little bit guilty about being mean.” I pause and give her a long, hard look. “Am I right?”

  She kind of nods, keeping her eyes averted from Kendra’s.

  “Are you a Christian?” I ask her pointedly.

  She nods again.

  “Do you think Jesus would be pleased with the way you and Kendra have treated the girls in your cabin?”

  She shakes her head and to my surprise, I see her chin quiver slightly and then a tear streaks down her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she mutters.

  Kendra makes a huffing sound, folding her arms across her chest in a very closed-off way. But I just ignore her as I lean over and put my hand on Faye’s shoulder. “I’m sure that the girls you’ve offended will forgive you,” I tell her, “if you’re really sorry.” She nods and wipes a tear. “Being a Christian is as much about forgiving others as it is about loving. And I have a feeling we’ll get lots of opportunities to do both.”

  Then I take in a deep breath and look around the room, taking in each girl and her challenges. “So it looks like we all have some work to do during the next couple of weeks. None of us is perfect, and if anyone here thinks she is, she’s sadly mistaken. Now, instead of doing devotionals tonight”—I reach for my guitar— “let’s just sing a couple of songs and call it a night. I think we’re all pretty worn out. Okay?”

  They seem agreeable to this, so I lead a couple of songs about love and then recite John 3:16 to them, ending in a prayer for everyone in our cabin before I tell
them good night.

  I am totally exhausted when I fall into bed. And I feel like a failure. Not only did I fail to do devotions like we’re supposed to, I know I have failed at getting through to Kendra. And the idea of spending two weeks with this girl is overwhelming. I feel like giving up right now.

  Besides that, I feel hungry. Ravenous. I barely picked at my food during lunch and dinner today. For a short while, I considered bingeing and purging, but then I realized that there’s not a lot of privacy in these group bathrooms. And I didn’t want to have to explain why I was “sick.” But now it hits me that I probably won’t be able to do a good job as a counselor and continue with my weight-loss regime. Besides that, I’m worried that Kendra will be onto me before long. And I wonder how she knew about Jenna. Or if she’s even right. I pray once again before I go to sleep. I beg God to help me to deal with this stuff. The truth is, I really want to keep losing weight. And I certainly don’t want to start putting the pounds back on. But at the same time I don’t want to flake out on these girls either. I wonder how it’s possible to have it both ways.

  nine

  I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT OUR LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART CHAT THAT FIRST NIGHT changed everyone and everything for our cabin and that life was beautiful after that, but unfortunately that is not the case. While things did go a bit better during the second day, we have some definite lines being drawn today.

  Somehow Kendra has not only won Faye’s loyalty back but she’s managed to get Jenna to join the dark side as well. It makes me understand how leaders like Hitler won a following. Something about social cruelty and discrimination seems to be empowering. I’m a little surprised about Jenna, but I think her solidarity might have something to do with Kendra’s anorexia accusation on the first night. Maybe Kendra’s holding something she knows over Jenna to keep her under her thumb. But I can’t be sure.

  Mostly it’s like having two cliques in the cabin. We have the “cool” girls, who are really the mean girls. Although in Faye’s and Jenna’s defense, it is Kendra who leads in the mean department. And we have the “geek” girls, who Kendra has assigned “secret” names. Penny is “Pig,” Chelsea is “Brace Face,” and Hilary is “Mouse.”

  “Pig always slows us down,” Kendra complains to Faye and Jenna. Her tone is hushed and she thinks I can’t hear since I’m a few steps behind, walking with Chelsea and Hilary. Penny trails behind like a caboose. I suppose what Kendra is saying is true. Penny does have a hard time keeping up and we’re often late for things. But it still irks me to hear Kendra calling girls names behind their backs, and I’m worried she might do it to their faces when no counselors are around.

  We get to the mess hall and, as usual, I am torn. I know that the food here is pretty high in carbs and fat, and yet I know I need to eat in order to maintain my stamina and keep up with these girls. I’ve been trying to do smaller portions, although it’s still way more than I’ve been eating during the last few weeks. I’ve noticed how Jenna eats hardly anything, mostly just picks at her food, rearranging it on her plate, and despite Kendra’s proclamation, Jenna seems to get away with not eating. No one has said anything more about her eating habits or her thinness. And I’m surprised at how desperately I want the freedom to do the same. I actually envy Jenna.

  Meanwhile Penny goes for seconds and, if no one’s looking, thirds. But the scary thing is how there’s this part of me that wants to join her. I would love to just eat and eat—and then hit the bathroom and barf because I really don’t want to look like Penny, and I know that I could. Mostly I just feel confused. Like when did eating and weight get to be such a life-consuming thing for me? And will it ever end? It’s like this vicious cycle. Or maybe a trap. Whatever it is, I’m really starting to hate it. It’s like I’m always off balance.

  After lunch, just as we’re exiting the mess hall, Penny starts screaming. “I’ve been stung!” she yells. “Help, I’ve been stung!”

  I already know that she has a serious allergy to bees, so I tell the other girls to head down to the activity area while I rush Penny to the nurse’s office, where her medication is kept in the fridge. I just hope that I won’t have to give her the shot. I’ve been told how to do this, but I am definitely not good with needles. I’m afraid I’d pass out. Fortunately, the nurse is there, and within seconds, she administers the shot. I don’t even watch.

  “Penny will need to lie quietly for a while,” the nurse informs me. “Can you wait here with her while I go check on the boy who sprained his ankle this morning?”

  “No problem.” She leaves, and I notice a scale behind her desk. I cannot suppress the urge to see how much I weigh. I feel like a thief as I tiptoe back there and get on it. Then, to my complete dismay, I discover that I’ve put on two pounds. Two whole pounds. I can’t believe it. That’s almost a pound per day. At this rate, I’ll be right back where I started by the end of this camp! I have to do something!

  And so I decide that even if it makes me tired, I will go back to not eating. It’s the only way to keep this thing under control. Not only that, but since it’s only been about fifteen minutes since I ate, I decide to go into the bathroom and get rid of it.

  And here’s the weird thing. After it’s over, I feel empowered again. I feel like I have some control over my life and my weight again. And this somehow energizes me. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the truth. I think, okay, I can handle this. I can handle these girls. I am going to come out on top.

  I check on Penny now, wondering if she’s ready to go yet. And I’m relieved to see that she’s sitting up and seems fine.

  “Feeling better?” I ask.

  She nods then frowns. “How about you?”

  “Huh?”

  “It sounded like you got sick just now . . . in the bathroom.”

  “Oh.” I had hoped she’d been sleeping. “Well, I’m kind of a wimp,” I tell her. “Hypodermic needles and hospitals and all that medicine and stuff . . . it makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.”

  She nods as if she believes me. “Oh, yeah, that’s just like my little sister. She just looks at a needle and practically passes out.”

  I laugh. “Well, I can relate.”

  Then we walk down slowly, at Penny’s pace, to join the others.

  “I wish I could walk faster,” she says as she’s huffing along.

  “That’s okay.”

  “I’m not used to walking so much.”

  “Yeah, we do walk a lot,” I say. “But it is a good way to burn calories.”

  She nods. “Maybe I’ll lose some weight.”

  We’re about halfway down to the activity area when it seems Penny has slowed down even more. I turn and glance at her, concerned that she could be having another reaction, that maybe the shot didn’t work. And I see that her face definitely doesn’t look good. In fact, she seems to be in pain.

  “Penny,” I say suddenly, stopping in the path to really look at her. “Are you okay?”

  She shrugs.

  “Is it the bee sting?”

  “No. That’s not it.”

  Okay, she does seem to be breathing just fine. “What is it then? I can tell something is wrong.”

  She looks down at the ground, almost as if she’s embarrassed. “It’s my legs.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Where my thighs . . .” She stops.

  “Huh?”

  She looks around, as if to see whether anyone can see us, then pulls up her baggy shorts to reveal the inner section of her very large thighs.

  “Oh my gosh!” I exclaim when I see how red and inflamed they are. It’s as if someone has been beating her. “What happened?”

  “They rub.”

  “Oh.”

  “That’s why I have to walk so slow.”

  Now I put my arm around her shoulder. “Poor Penny,” I say. “That looks like it really hurts.”

  “It does.”

  “I wonder if the nurse might have something.”

  “Do you think?
”

  “Wanna go back and see?”

  She nods. And so we make our way, very slowly, back to the nurse’s office, where she first cleanses then treats Penny’s abrasions. She also gives Penny some antibiotic ointment to take with her. “And use ice packs,” she advises as we’re leaving.

  “How can I do that?” Penny asks as we start trekking back down to the activity area again. “Kendra and the others would really make fun of me then.”

  I consider this and have an idea. “Maybe when we get sodas at the Snack Shack, you can ask for extra ice with yours, and when we sit down to drink them, you could set yours between your legs, to hold the cup, you know?”

  She nods. “Yeah, that might work. Thanks.”

  By the time we get to the activity area, things are just winding down. It looks like they had relay races today. And I can tell that Penny is relieved. After this is free time, one of the few times during the day when campers are allowed to come and go as they please. Most of the kids, including the “cool” girls from our cabin, usually head for the pool to cool off. And although they never invite Chelsea, I’ve noticed that she has a good friend in another cabin (from her church), and these two athletic girls always seem to find something fun to do. Meanwhile Penny and Hilary head back to the cabin, where Hilary reads her books, and Penny takes a nap. I know this for a fact because I usually join them. It’s my one break.

  But today, I’m feeling energized. I’m thinking that my life is back on track and I’m going to keep losing weight. I want to get some exercise. And so I take myself on a little hike that I’m sure will burn off all the calories I consumed at breakfast. I tell myself that I’ll take off those two extra pounds in no time because I’m back in control. I have the power to do this!

  Okay, I do feel a little self-conscious at dinner, but I make sure to take small portions of everything except the green salad, which monopolizes my plate. And I even pretend to put dressing on. Then I take my time eating every bit of my salad, and I move the other pieces of food around until it really does seem like I’ve eaten, then I put my napkin over the uneaten food, and my plate looks pretty much like the others. I can do this!