Humanities Contingency_You Will Lose Yourself

by Matthew Birch

  Avoiding the acid, Callum is the first to falter, his eyes filled with tears as he drops down beside the bloody mess that was once his brother, his eyes, wide, staring, regretful...

  He cannot even hold his brother one last time. Not a word of goodbye. No, I love you or last words. This is it, his brother is gone without a trace as the world absorbs him, sinking him away into the dirt he came from.

  Lola joins her father, entering his arms as her puffy eyes and wet face cannot bear to witness any more of what has happened.

  The whole group is left in consternation, appalled at themselves for not realising sooner. Taking the impact of sorrow, even if you didn’t know Joey closely, you knew him to be a good man. A good man indeed. He was kind, and he was there for anyone when they needed it. He’d break up fights and be reasonable to the last limit his passionate soul had to offer. He was the most human of any of them, and the man to retain his humanity the most is the first to die. The groups embrace each other as they come together as one for the first time. Joey is dead.

  And this is the first of many to come.

  The acid monster said to run...

  Run from what?

  Chapter 16 - Brother...

  Callum

  With every heave, I ram the tip of the botched shovel into the terrain, upheaving dense heaps of dirt. Tossing them aside, I begin neglecting an encompassing mess in my wake. Strength, I need more strength! All my muscles burn, now I need more stamina! I don’t care if I have to slave away throughout the entire night, I will build him this grave! I can’t waste time. I won’t waste time! Joey... Please... Come back...

  I can’t do this without you...

  “Dad?” Soothing, the compassionate voice of my daughter readily transpires through my ears as if it were music. Reducing my pace, I take more disciplined blows at the ground as I remain to dig this makeshift grave. Even if we cannot bury him properly, I want to make him a grave anyway; he deserves it more than anything. She sits at the corner, watching me from above whilst I fester away in this hole. This ruthless stupid hole... Great, I haven’t even dug it correctly.

  “Why won’t anyone help me?” Demanding a reason, I want to know why my group aren’t lending their hand in this effort! Joey was a great man; he DESERVES THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING!

  “Dad, you need to rest-” Lola tries and fails. I won’t listen to what everyone else has been saying. What, they think because it’s my daughter saying it that it will make a difference! Ha, pathetic! Fools don’t know me in the slightest! Dropping the shovel into the dirt, I let it rebound off the ground with a thump. Indolently, my eyes veer into her frightened ones. Why is she scared? Is it me? No, probably because her uncle died. It must be that. I’m her dad, I’d never scare her. Would I? Could I? Should I?!

  “Um, da-” The mousey girl speaks. She needs to be soundless, why won’t she hearken to me!

  “I promise you-” She needs to know that I’ll always be here for her. I’m her dad. I need to be ready to die for her. She is the last of my family. I love her so much...

  “Dad-” Little mouse is trying to interrupt me now!

  Grabbing her, I make her focus on me. Shutting her up like the good little girl she is, I continue without interruption as it should be. “I’ll never let you go. I promise until the day I die!”

  “Callum-”

  Zack, is that Zack?

  “Come to help me have you?” Spitting on his boot, I watch as the National Guard (my ass) stares me down. What do you want? Go on, say something!

  “Please, we will work on the grave in the morning-” Zack is begging me now. Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

  He’d rather sleep in bliss than help me dig my brother’s grave. He disgusts me. Ian and Ryan stand there like the back-up. They are equally completely and utterly useless.

  “You never liked him, did you?” Squaring up to him, I hoist myself out from the grave, arms bulging as I really get in his face now. I know him, the truth is out, and none of them ever liked him! “I always saw you, getting all cosy with everyone else. Where’s your fucking loyalty!” Screaming in his face to recognize him falter, I acknowledge I have won. “If you won’t help me now, you mean nothing to me!” Lastly, my words really reveal how they feel. Disgruntled, they leave me be. Good riddance. Now I have work to do. Climbing back into my hole, I reach for the shovel. They think they care; barring all they really want is to ignore his death like nothing happened-

  “Lola, go” Demanding, the dominant wish of Ed commands my daughter. What does he think he’s-

  Confronting me man to man, Ed sees me eye to eye. “I’m sorry-” His whole demeanour changes plus-

  This is a new light for him-

  I take the defensive, but nothing hides my confusion as he places a hand on my shoulder. His eyes hold a look. Something that tells me everything is going to be okay. As if by magic, my anger subsides. All emotions leave me.

  “Its okay, let it out-” he says, and I do, I can’t stop it. I don’t care anymore. I let my anger go freely, to be replaced by my tears. Shedding every last ounce of water my body has left, I cry into him. Callum, stop...

  No, I can’t. I just-

  “I remember when I lost Marcus...” Ed whispers, wrapping his arms around me. We’re hugging now...

  “I lost him... Joey...” Stuttering and choking on my words, I bawl my eyes and thoughts away to him. “I’m so sorry for my weakness...” He shouldn’t have to see me like this...

  “It’s okay. Being numb, angry or outright upset is completely normal...” Ed says, patting my back before carefully separating us. With a vivacious smile, he places his hand on my shoulder for the second time this night. For some reason, I feel, better? I hate him. Yet even now, he’s here for me. Is this what Joey always meant, about having faith in one another...

  Sharing a handshake, I bite my lip and do nothing to stop my modest grin from appearing. I place my faith in him, and hopefully him in me. Finally, Ed removes us both from the grave, having given me a helping hand in getting back out. Gently, he guides us back to base; I feel nervous. Like a shy toddler on his first day at the nursery. I have a lot of apologising to do...

  “By the way, Bella escaped during the conflict-”

  SHE FUCKING WHAT!

  Chapter 17 - The Stages of Grief

  Callum

  After having heard about what Bella did, I was initially revolted at the things she had done. Witnessing them with my scarred eyes, I felt I’d seen it all, then I saw the atrocities someone as pure as Bella, had committed. Learning her past, and the story surrounding her dark side, I understood, feeling disgusted for our ignorance. Untrustworthy, the seeds of deceit in the group had been planted. I wasn’t sure who was who any more. Can I trust them for who they really are? Bella’s undercover escape went as unnoticed as she was unsupervised; no one knew until hours after the monster attack. I’m still perturbed that a pack leader led the assault; the beast came in as the predator, and left as the prey. Even now, Robert wants to keep us moving, and as much as I agree, I find it difficult to make head or tail of his decision-making process. If only we had left earlier. If only we had killed the infected. If only he was half the man I am...

  No, that’s rude, I should focus myself on what matters. My daughter is alive and everyone is trying their hardest to be here for me, I cannot take these privileges for granted. Regardless, I stay in my little safe bubble, recovering from recent events from the safety of my own mind. Robert runs scouting groups, asking for volunteers to go ahead and figure out the best path forward. Of course, Ed, the miraculous warrior who slew the beast like a knight does dragon is the first to become a tribute to the outside world. By storming off previously a couple of days ago after the Ryan event, it allowed him to become fairly accustomed to the world where he conceivably, defeated a monster all by himself? The progress he has made also became the backbone of the scout regiment. Few others join, most being too, afraid, after recent misfortunes. Alice, young, brave, naive, t
hrows herself into the fire of the tribute gang, the people most courageous to throw their lives away in the outside world. This mall has become my home, and, my prison...

  Other notable members include Zack, Chloe, and when my little girl put herself out there for the world to see, for the world to finally know her name, as the young girl who has grown up in a world as desolate and unforgiving as this one, I couldn’t help myself. I broke her eagerness, pinpointing her down before she can so much as THINK of doing something as volunteering for an effort Robert won’t even be leading. What a spineless man.

  Savouring my own grief, I envision it now, how I reached and cruelly seized her tiny wrist, watching her wince in pain as I squeezed her skin, turning it a crimeful red in my haste to protect her. I feel as if, perhaps, I had been too lenient with her, letting her discover who she is within the confounds of the other groups. What’s rotten is that a member of my own group sought out to train her. She’s a young lady, she doesn’t need to fight, and she needs to be protected!

  Well, while I continue to barter with my demons, the thought of my daughter sadly averting her ashamed gaze from my own has me questioning everything I know. Preventing her from going out into the world and learning; did I save her from an even worse fate?

  Possibly, I did something either right or wrong by her, disregarding what is disgracing the most, is not the harsh treatment of my daughter, but the fact that Ed saw the entire ordeal, being the only one, and he did nothing. I thought he was my friend. He was there for me. As I descend into the department of my insanity, behind a solitary door from which I cannot, and refuse to unlock, he let me do my actions without consequence, now; I feel one foot deeper into my own grave.

  My mind, I feel different. Like there is someone else in there, taunting me, telling me that I should do things his way. Am I living life wrong? Should I do what’s right by me and the group, taking the advice they offered or trust the instinct in my gut that got me this far to begin with. I am as much of a survivor as the next person, we’ve all lost people, I have suffered just as much, let’s suppose they are the ones in the wrong, and I am in the right...

  Chapter 18 - Breaking

  Callum

  Cramping, I contort my face as the jittery numbing strikes through my crossed legs. Having sat for so long, without breaking my silence, has left me with an invasion of pins and needles. They dance like a fire in my body, making me feel itchy, but also giddy? Doing my very hardest to ignore the nauseating sensation, I listen out, hearing the muddied footsteps of the tribute gang. The scout regiment that thinks they are so much more, capable, than the rest of us. My brother’s grave is my testament to my own spirit, I have been strong long enough, but now when I am at my weakest - no one is there. Not, one, person...

  No one talks any more. I feel so empty, lifeless; like no one really cares? I should be okay, I have that voice in my head, and he talks to me. Makes me feel, better...

  I care for you, and that should be enough.

  Me, myself, and I, is all that I desire. I don’t need my long-gone wife, our memories are but dust in the wind, my pitiful son Tommy, just another stain in the life I used to live, however, my brother, my dearest brother Joey, oh how I miss you...

  It should have been me.

  I am not stable. I know that. But I don’t want to admit it. I am doing the right thing. The voice, it tells me, things could be worse. Lola could be dead. I protected her, and the relief that comes with the thought of her well-being, regardless of her own wants and needs makes me feel so much, better, about myself.

  Now, I try so HARD to pay no mind to Ed, that man, I thought he was truly someone who I could place my faith in. Addressing our pathetic excuse for a cowardly leader, Robert, his name leaves vile tastes in my senses and mind. They chat casually; the good news brings good tidings, making everyone feel that little bit more light-hearted. I should know, I used to be in the good times before everything became a lie. Before the knives in the back were twisted ever deeper, then those you could trust propelled the blade...

  “We should be carefree, it’s a messy world out there, but Valbury is empty” Ed continuously chants the good news. No threats in sight, which is how they think of it. If we cannot see the threat, then there isn’t one. Bella, perfect, so, undetectable, killed so many and did so many dirty things...

  She was a threat; she just didn’t look like it. Is everyone here so blind to the truth? The infected, not patrolled as they should have been, left to roam once their mind was broken beyond retribution, came back and harmed the living. Robert’s mistakes killed my brother. Ed, I trusted him, betrayed me, killed Daniel, Ryan’s brother. Is everyone hiding something? Is everything just a false facade in a world we struggle to adapt to? Courage does not mean to be able to do what one should do to survive. Courage is protecting those around you and putting your own life in danger. I would DIE for my daughter. Ed would kill all those who got in his way. There is a difference; it is that he is in the wrong.

  Or am I?

  The voice, it calms me. It says that I am not wrong in the slightest.

  Now, the scout gang rests, because tomorrow at the break of dawn we leave, on the command of a man who shouldn’t have the leadership role, decides it so. At last, we leave, when it is already too late.

  Now, I believe it is only right that I had my say. “You know-” I joust, voice high and loud, becoming mighty over their own. They stop, they stare, they judge. I see it in their eyes. Don’t listen says the voice. Say what you believe is right. “If we left when we should have done, then my brother might still be alive!” Shouting now, I get in too deep, my voice, why have you betrayed me? As always, I am portrayed to be the villain, abusing my daughter, removing her freedom, being so mean, and bullying to those who have done nothing but been there for me.

  Oh, I am so sorry... The voice, he won’t leave.

  “Callum, take a seat” Robert talks me down, not like Ed, he was soothing, like cold ice packs to a burn. Robert is like the hot tap you burn yourself under by pure accident. Nonetheless, he directs me to one side while the scout gang wander away silently, most likely thinking about ME. ALWAYS ME.

  “What do you want?” I ask, so knowledgeable of what is going to come, yet I ask because I am fragile. I want to act tough, take the stance of a man who would fight rather than flee. My own false facade paints my hypocritical self; I am a liar, just as much as everyone else is. The voice, please be quiet while I desperately search for comfort and sympathy in Robert.

  “The group will move out tomorrow” Stern, he dominates my mind, sitting us down in front of my brothers grave. The worst place to be. I have been here enough! LET ME BE FREE FROM THE SIN OF HIS DEATH! ”Going a day earlier wouldn’t have changed his fate. Those monsters would still be out there, more could have died...”

  “I don’t care about the many; I care about the one...” Making the point relevant only proves how irrelevant it is in actuality. I am indeed, wrong. Little voice, why do you guide me so nefariously?

  “Callum, Ed told me about what you did to Lola...” Robert shies away; most likely fearful of taking such a plunge of a risk in bringing up the topic that plagues me. Grief is a powerful weapon, just as much as guilt.

  “That snitch-” Implying Ed is the villain, I shoot at Robert, almost advancing on him in a way that would deem me as madcap as Bella.

  I stop, watching him as he cleverly slips the words through his lips. “So, you know you did wrong then?”

  Little voice, he is right, I don’t want to fight back when the voice of guilt is stronger than you are.

  “Your paranoia and growing obsession to keep your family safe have become more of a burden than a useful trait. I know what happened to your wife, and to your son-” Robert riskily places a hand on my shoulder, and he sees me flinch although I hide how the touch of another frightens me. Ed did that, hugged, betrayed me... Why did he stop being there for me...? I needed him... I needed anyone...

  “Joey was the one w
ho told me all of this, it was useful in understanding what is going on inside your head” Explaining the truth behind his actions, the knowledge he shouldn’t hold, Robert finally makes some sense to me before I feel like the prying man knows too much, and should be quelled. “I respect a family man, I see your grief, but a man who is obsessive for his family is just as dangerous as the monsters who threaten them. Callum, no matter what, I will try my hardest to keep Lola safe” He says, he really says that; why would he SAY that. Little voice, is he lying?

  “I promise you. My only condition is that you get your head back into place, this group needs you” Robert has made me a promise and solidified it with an expectation. I want that deal to be delivered, or else little voice would be RIGHT.