Gone Without a Trace

by Mary Torjussen

  And she said, ‘Then we’ll have a baby.’ She glanced down at my stomach. ‘A real one.’

  ‘Do you know what?’ I said. ‘I’ve had enough of this.’

  I ran towards her. It seemed as though my whole body was light, as though I weighed almost nothing. I reached her so fast she shrieked and stumbled back on to the balcony. Matt was behind me and tried to grab me, but I pushed him away.

  I took a deep breath, clenched my fist and punched Katie hard in the face.

  I heard her cheekbone crack. I think we all did.

  Her head lashed to the side. Matt screamed her name and leapt towards her, but I wasn’t looking at him. I wasn’t listening to him. My eyes were on her. She straightened up and turned to face me, her mouth open, ready to say something more.

  She always wanted to have the last word. It was what my dad used to say about my mum. It drove him mad, and the rage that must have filled him then filled me now. In that moment, I felt like I was him, as though I was looking through his eyes. As though it was his blood that was racing through my veins.

  To stop her talking, I pushed her. I pushed her in the chest, really hard, and she staggered back against the balcony railing. Again she opened her mouth to speak, and I just couldn’t stand to hear what she had to say.

  And then I noticed something weird. I couldn’t see Matt, though I knew he was there, standing on the balcony next to Katie. He was just a blur. A mist. I couldn’t see the net curtains either, though I could feel them flapping against my arms.

  All I could see was Katie.

  I pulled her forward by the shoulders until her hot, sweet breath was on my face, and then I just threw her as hard as I could against the railing. Her face was pink and her mouth was still trying to shout insults as she clutched at the ironwork for balance. It jerked in her hands and my heart pounded with fear.

  And then my vision cleared and I saw the bottom of the railing pulling itself loose from the concrete balcony floor.

  As if in slow motion, Katie turned, her face white and her knuckles strained as she gripped the railing. I thought she was turning towards me, and frantically I reached out to grab her.

  But it was Matt she was turning to. Then the railing jolted and I saw Katie’s arm jerk with it.

  There was the sound of metal scraping against concrete as the railing came loose, and instinctively I jumped back.

  Matt shot forward, but he was too late. He shouted, ‘Katie! Katie!’ I saw a wild look on her face as she tried to steady herself, but her feet slipped and she fell backwards.

  Her scream tore through the air, followed by a thud that seemed to rock the apartment block.

  And then there was silence.

  Oh God, oh my God, what have I done?

  57

  My heart pounded fit to burst. I backed away from the balcony, knocking into a sofa on my way. For a moment all I could see was a red mist; all I could hear was the roar of blood in my veins. I felt myself begin to fall and blindly reached out, grabbing the side of a chair and holding on tightly. Images of Katie as she fell flashed into my mind, and I closed my eyes, until I saw only stars.

  I looked up and saw Matt staring at me.

  ‘What have you done?’ he whispered. His eyes were black, his pupils dilated with shock. ‘Hannah, what the hell have you done?’

  I stared at him, frantic now. ‘What do you mean? She fell! She fell against the balcony and it broke!’

  He stared at me as though he didn’t know me, then turned and ran towards the door.

  ‘No!’ I shouted. ‘Matt, I just need to . . .’ I didn’t even know what I was going to say.

  He turned as he ran and shouted, ‘Stay away from me!’ and as he turned back again, his foot slid inside the handle of Katie’s overnight bag and he fell with a crash. There was a crack as his head hit the corner of the black glass table that held his television.

  He lay still.

  I tried to run towards him, but my legs gave way and I collapsed beside him. I grabbed his shoulders and shouted, ‘Matt! Matt!’ but he didn’t move.

  I didn’t know how to feel for a pulse; I’d never had to do it before. I touched his wrist, but my hand was slippery with sweat and shaking so much I couldn’t feel anything. I touched his face, his mouth. He didn’t move. When I tried to turn his head towards me, I saw the gash on his temple, saw the blood pooling on the floor. I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head.

  Oh my God, he’s dead!

  Panic surged through me and I looked around wildly. The French doors stood open, their filmy curtains blowing in the breeze. Even from here it was possible to see that the railings had gone from the balcony. Katie’s bag lay wrapped around Matt’s ankle, linking him to her.

  My handbag was on the floor by the sofa. I threw the strap over my shoulder and fumbled inside to check my keys were there. I needed to get away. My hands were shaking so hard I could hardly keep the keys in my hand.

  I looked out into the corridor. Nobody was there.

  I quietly closed the door behind me and started to make my way down the stairs to the side of the building where my car was parked. My heart was banging hard against my chest wall and beads of perspiration popped up all over me. My blood pressure was so high I could hardly see, but I was hyper-alert and I knew nobody was around. The corridors were silent and the staircases empty.

  The door swung open into the car park and I was hit by a blast of hot evening air. I tried to walk casually across to the side road where I’d parked, but my balance was so poor I think if anyone had seen me they’d have assumed I was drunk. My hand slipped on the car door handle and I had to use both hands to wrench it open. My head buzzed relentlessly as I dragged my seat belt on.

  What should I do? What should I do? My boyfriend. My best friend. They’d betrayed me, but how could I just leave them there? I reached into my bag. I had to call for help. I had to! Just as my finger touched the last 9 of the emergency number, I heard the sound of sirens in the distance and I almost lost control of myself. They were coming to get me!

  Blindly I turned the ignition and drove out of the side road at the back of the apartment block. I took a couple of turns into a road parallel to the entrance of the apartments and stopped at the end, looking down the hill. A few people were gathered around. Katie’s cherry-pink dress was splashed on the ground; the broken railings lay alongside her. Two women knelt beside her. A man was pointing up at the gap where the railing had been on Matt’s balcony, and I knew it would only be minutes before he was found.

  I didn’t know what to do. Should I go home and act as though I’d never been here? Or should I drive down there and tell them Matt was dead too? There was no need to ask how Katie was now. Most people had moved back from her, but one of the women who was kneeling next to her looked as though she was praying. Two younger women were crying, their arms around each other.

  I felt almost mad with panic.

  The car was stiflingly hot and I opened the windows, my fingers fumbling on the buttons. The sirens were closer now, and their blare made my heart race. That decided me. I put my foot on the accelerator and took a right turn away from them. I found a way through the side streets and parked the car a couple of miles away, down by the canal. It was deserted; there wasn’t a person or a car in sight. It was the sort of place I’d never normally come to on my own, but to be honest, I don’t think anyone was as much of a danger to me as I was to myself right then.

  My heart was still pounding so hard I could hardly focus. I glanced in the rear-view mirror and saw my face, white and hollow-eyed. Terrified.

  I tried to slow my heart rate down. At first I closed my eyes, but I was still on high alert and couldn’t do that for long. My mind raced as I tried desperately to think what I should do. I stayed there for more than an hour, trying to breathe in and out, slower and slower. I couldn’t bear to picture my counsellor’s face. All that time I’d talked to her about my dad’s violence, and this was what I’d become.
r />   I just wanted to be at home, in bed. I wanted it to be yesterday, or six months ago. Anything, anything but now.

  And then I realised that whatever happened now was inevitable, that it was written. Nothing I did from this point on could make any difference. My life had changed, and so it should, too. I’d lost the two people I’d thought were closest to me; nothing could alter that. I started the car and drove away slowly. I found the main road for the motorway, and pulled into a gap in the traffic.

  Driving home was terrible. Shocking. I stayed in the left lane, though I wanted to rush. I saw Matt and Katie everywhere, in the passengers who overtook me, in people at bus stops. The blond hair of a baby became Katie’s; red cars that passed me were Matt’s blood. I just wanted to be home, but I was frightened of what would happen once I was there.

  I shook with anger as I thought of the row with Katie. She was the one person I’d believed I could trust. I had thought of us as sisters, and so had she; she’d told me this so many times. I could hardly remember a time when she hadn’t been part of my life. And all the while I was searching for him, she’d pumped me for information, relaying it to Matt each night. She had pretended to be my friend. She’d betrayed me. I couldn’t forgive her.

  Since I’d gone out with James when we were seventeen, she’d always wanted what I’d had. And of course she wasn’t happy until she was going out with James herself. She’d waited years for that! It was as though just because I had something, it had more value in her eyes. Look at her house now: we had the same paintings on the walls, the same shoes in our bedrooms, the same glasses and duvet covers and cushions. Matt and I had laughed about it sometimes, but really the fact was that my best friend had always wanted what I had.

  But for her to go after Matt like that . . . It shocked me that she’d been so calculating. She’d betrayed me without flinching. And for him to be involved with her – I could hardly believe it. It was as though I didn’t know them. I hadn’t thought either of them capable of deception on that scale.

  Over two hours after leaving Matt’s apartment, I reached the Kingsway Tunnel, which links Liverpool with the Wirral. The traffic was light, so I slid through without a problem. I was just out of the tunnel and on the road leading home when my phone rang.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin.

  For one mad moment I thought it was Katie, making her daily call to ask me whether I had any news. I pulled over to the side of the road and scrabbled in my bag for the phone. The screen lit up with the name of the caller.

  James.

  I tried to take a deep breath, but I couldn’t. I was light-headed, and on the periphery of my vision I could see sparks. The call ended and then immediately the phone rang again. This time I managed to answer it.

  Act normal, I thought frantically. Act normal.

  ‘Hannah?’ shouted James. It sounded as though he was driving. ‘Hannah, where are you?’

  ‘What?’ I looked around wildly and saw the red and blue Tesco logo in the distance. ‘I’m just going to Tesco.’

  ‘Are you driving? You need to park,’ he said. ‘I’ve got some bad news.’

  My head started to spin. My voice sounded as though it was coming from miles away. ‘I’m not driving.’

  ‘It’s about Katie and Matt,’ he said. His voice was hoarse and I knew he’d been crying.

  I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, but it just wouldn’t go down. ‘What about them?’

  ‘I’ve just had a phone call from Katie’s dad,’ he said.

  My stomach plummeted. I’d tried not to think of her mum and dad. I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

  He cleared his throat. ‘There’s bad news, Hannah. Katie’s had an accident. She’s fallen off a balcony.’

  And even then, even after all that I’d done, all I could think was, Oh thank God, thank God. He didn’t say she was pushed.

  ‘There’s something else.’ I steeled myself. I knew what was coming. ‘Her dad said she was at Matt’s.’

  My voice was faint. ‘At Matt’s?’

  ‘Not at your house,’ he said. ‘At Matt’s new place. Apparently he’s been living in Manchester.’

  I couldn’t speak.

  ‘Matt’s had an accident too,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe it. Both of them!’

  I had to ask this question even though I knew the answer. ‘What happened to him?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Katie’s dad said something about him falling over and banging his head.’ His voice broke. ‘I couldn’t tell what he was saying some of the time. You can imagine how he was.’

  I tried to speak, but I couldn’t. I thought of Katie’s dad crying and felt as though my heart was going to explode.

  ‘I couldn’t believe it either,’ he said. ‘Hannah, I think they were having an affair.’

  I wept then, bitterly ashamed that it was this that finally made me cry.

  ‘I thought Katie was up to something,’ he said. ‘We were getting on all right, but there was just something about her. Something had changed.’

  I couldn’t stop the tears. ‘Hold on,’ I said. ‘Just a minute.’ I reached into my bag and found some tissues.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Hannah,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  I sat back, exhausted. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. All I could think about was whether anyone knew I’d been there. ‘So her mum and dad are at the hospital?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I’m on my way there now. Matt’s mum is going there too.’ He hesitated. ‘She . . . she said she wanted to see him on her own.’

  I knew what he meant. I wouldn’t be welcome. I nodded, my throat tight with tears. ‘James,’ I said. ‘James, are they badly hurt?’

  All I wanted was for him to tell me everything was all right.

  ‘The nurse said that Matt was in a coma. I don’t know any more than that.’

  I squeezed my eyes tight. I had to ask. I had to. ‘And Katie?’ My voice was high and strange. It didn’t sound like me.

  He made a sound then, and I knew he was trying not to cry. My stomach lurched.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ he said. ‘Katie didn’t make it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Hannah, she’s dead.’

  58

  Once James had ended the call, I put my head on the steering wheel. I didn’t know what to do.

  At the thought that Katie was dead, I started to shake. What had I done? Why had I bothered trying to find Matt? I should have listened to Katie when she told me to forget him. I should have known she’d have a reason for telling me that.

  My hands were clammy, and when I rubbed them on my jeans, I could feel something on them, tangled around my fingers. I stared down and saw strands of Katie’s long blond hair wrapped around my hands. For a second it looked like Matt’s hair, when I’d taken it off the nail in the loft.

  I shrieked. There was a bottle of water on the passenger seat and I poured some over my hands, shuddering as the hair freed itself. I pulled out more tissues and rubbed my hands again and again until they were clean.

  My phone beeped with a message and my head nearly hit the roof of the car. I would have given everything then for it to be Katie. I’d never have another message from either of them. My eyes filled with tears and I brushed them away angrily. They were bastards, both of them, cheating on me like that. I had to keep thinking that; I knew I’d break down otherwise.

  My stomach lurched as I saw the message was from my dad.

  I’ve just spoken again to Alex Hughes. I tried to put in a good word for you. He told me he’d heard from one of your colleagues that you are pregnant. He thought I knew. You lied to me. Lied to my face. Does your mother know?

  I felt almost blind with panic. I called his number. I had to get through to him. This was nothing to do with my mum. There was no answer. I phoned his secretary, who said, ‘Oh Hannah, you’ve literally just missed him. He’s just got into his car to go home.’ She sounded a bit shaken, and I guesse
d she’d borne the brunt of some of his anger.

  I knew what I had to do. I had to stop pretending this wasn’t happening. It was time for it to end. I speed-dialled my mum’s mobile.

  In the moment it took for the call to register, I realised that she was in the same position that Matt had been in throughout our relationship, and the thought was so dreadful that I banged my head against the car window to stop myself thinking it.

  ‘Mum, get out,’ I blurted as soon as she answered the phone.

  ‘What?’

  ‘He’s coming home. He’s furious.’

  There was a silence. I’d never acknowledged their fights, as he called them, before. I felt sick now at the thought of that. I’d never talked to her about him, just as I’d never talked to her about the way I was.

  ‘It’ll be OK,’ she said eventually. ‘I’ll be able to manage him.’

  I knew what that meant. Over the years, I’d averted my eyes from many, many bruises. She was limping the last time I saw her because she’d ‘managed’ him. And I was so stressed out by what had happened with Katie and Matt, I couldn’t help it. I screamed, ‘Why do you put up with it?’

  ‘He’s my husband, Hannah,’ she snapped. ‘I’ve told you, I’ll handle it.’

  The memory of him kissing Helen, his arms around her, flashed into my mind. Kissing her in the street, without a care in the world. I took a deep breath. ‘Your husband? Open your eyes, Mum! He’s having an affair. I’ve seen him.’

  There was a silence, then she said, her voice trembling, ‘You’ve seen him?’

  So that was her tipping point. He could do whatever he wanted to her and she’d forgive him, but an affair? It reminded me of that old line, ‘He’s a bastard, but he’s my bastard.’ I’d never understood that. I should have, really.