my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

  “Little turd.”

  Edie giggled.

  “Lonnie!” Wynn exclaimed.

  But she smiled at me when she heard Edie’s giggle, and she could see that I was smiling too. Her smile got bigger till her little quirk appeared at the corner of her mouth, and that made me happier than I’d been in days.

  I knew, right then, that coming home to Tennessee had been the best decision I’d made in almost a month.

  When we pulled up to the apartment, I sighed. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do with Edie. I had two bedrooms, but one of them was full of all my band and photography gear. I didn’t have a bed for her. Or toys. Or even enough frickin’ clothes to get us through a day or two without doing laundry.

  Wynn didn’t even ask. She just helped me carry all our shit up to the apartment, took the keys as I struggled to get them in the lock, opened the door, and helped us inside.

  She took a look around my space while I put Edie down on the couch and carried all our gear to my bedroom. When I came back out, I stood next to her, both of us watching the little girl who’d come home with me.

  Edie hadn’t moved, but she was taking it all in, too.

  Both redheads were judging my bachelor world.

  “You okay, Chicken Lips?” I asked Edie. She just nodded.

  “What’s with the Chicken Lips? Chickens don’t even have lips,” Wynn chortled.

  I grinned. “Only a Southern girl would know that.” She pushed against my shoulder with her own. “Honestly? I don’t know. My uncle used to call all us kids that. And when she used to pout at me, it was all I could think of calling her.”

  “Do you have anything for her to eat?” Wynn asked.

  I nodded. “I have some mac and cheese I can make.”

  She stared some more at my place that looked just like a typical twenty-something bachelor apartment should. Big TV. Gaming system. Leather sectional. Leather gaming chair. No kitchen table. I always ate in front of the TV.

  “Can I help with something before I go?” she asked.

  I rubbed my hand over my face and the stupid ass beard.

  “Is it that obvious that I need help?”

  She smiled. “Well,” she referred to my bachelor pad. “I’m pretty sure you weren’t expecting to come home with a three-year-old.”

  “She’s actually almost four. She’s just small for her age.”

  She smiled. “That makes all the difference then. She’ll be cooking your meals and bringing you your beer before you know it.”

  I couldn’t help a small smile back.

  “Honestly, all I’m worried about tonight is getting some food in her and hoping she’s not up for another twenty hours before she decides to go to sleep.”

  Edie still had her sippy cup and the bag of Goldfish. She was clutching them to her chest as if she might lose them. Then she saw me watching her, and she put the bag down and reached for the lid of the cup and pulled.

  I lunged toward her, but it was too late. The remnants of the water went all over her and the couch.

  “God da—”

  “Tah dah!” Edie said with her brilliant smile, and my curse turned into a laugh.

  Wynn laughed too.

  “I think you’ve got your hands full there,” Wynn said. “Why don’t I change her while you make dinner?”

  Because I did have my hands full, I accepted, swearing again that I was going to tell every single parent I ever saw again what a saint I thought they were.

  “Don’t take the cape off,” I warned as I went toward the kitchen.

  “What?” Wynn asked.

  “Just don’t. I beg you. Do anything but that.”

  She gave me a strange look but didn’t argue, and when I didn’t hear screaming, I knew that she’d listened. Thirty minutes later, I had the mac and cheese done and Edie devoured it. She pushed the bowl aside, put her head down on the coffee table where she’d eaten, and fell asleep.

  “Wow, she just passed out.” Wynn said, lowering her voice.

  “Usually takes her hours, but that’s what happens. I’m kind of surprised she fell asleep so soon. But you don’t have to worry about waking her. Nothing will wake her now. I could hang her by her toes, and she’d stay asleep.”

  “Wow,” Wynn said again.

  She stood up.

  “I’m gonna take off.”

  I nodded, and we made our way to my door. She turned back toward me.

  “Look,” we both started and smiled at each other.

  “You go,” we both said and then laughed. I waved at Wynn.

  “I just wanted to say thank you,” she told me. “I’m not normally such a screwed up mess. I’m usually the person who bounces back from things.”

  “You were dealing with a lot.”

  “Yes, but I got help.”

  “That’s good,” I told her, because it was. But it also made me think again about how I didn’t need to be anywhere near someone else who needed that much help right now. I had my own goddamn hands full.

  “And I’ve talked to my mama. I haven’t told Cam or Mia about the babies because I don’t want them to worry about it when they’re talking about their babies.”

  “Wait, Mia’s pregnant?”

  She laughed. “No…I mean…I don’t know. But you know Derek is going to want that before either of them can blink.”

  I smiled because it was true.

  “Anyway. For some reason, you were the unlucky person to see me unravel, and I just wanted to say thank you. For being a friend to someone who wasn’t your friend.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that, and when I didn’t respond, she kept going. “Anyway. I have to go. Got my regular eight to five job tomorrow.”

  “Wait, what? What else did I miss?” I asked.

  “I quit my job. Have a temporary job with Dr. Morris while his office manager is on maternity leave.”

  “You quit your job?”

  “My heart wasn’t in it right now. You were right. It was too hard to see all the little ones.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry.” I was such a dickhead to have said anything about it to her.

  “No. Don’t be. You were kind of the kick-in-the-ass I needed.”

  She smiled that real smile again. It wasn’t the full one, but I’d take the real one over fake any day of the week.

  “Well, thanks for helping me tonight,” I said.

  “Any time. I mean that.”

  She walked down the steps and was gone.

  I turned back to the apartment and was caught up by the mess we’d made in less than an hour. I sighed. At that moment, I knew it was going to be the analogy for my whole life from this point forward: a mess.

  I picked Edie up and took her down the hall to my bedroom. I laid her in the middle of my bed and stuffed pillows all around her like I had in Mark and Rochelle’s guesthouse in L.A. Then I went back out and sank down on the couch, waiting for Derek and the six-pack of beer I knew he was bringing me. And even though I needed it, I wouldn’t drink more than one, just in case Edie called out for me.

  She didn’t need another grown-up in her life that wasn’t there when she called. I wasn’t sure I could be what she needed either, but I was all she had for now, and that would have to do.

  The Long Way

  Capes & Tiaras

  “I want the secrets you keep; the shine underneath of the diamond I think I just found.”

  —Brett Eldredge

  The next morning when Wynn woke up, the first thing that popped into her head was the same thing that had been in her brain the night before: Lonnie. As always, sleep had been a struggle, and Lonnie’s face, tired and more lumberjack than ever with that scraggly beard on it, had weighed on her. He’d looked adrift. As if he wasn’t sure what to do anymore. As if his world had flipped on a dime. She knew that feeling, but it also made her sad. She was used to goofy Lonnie. And teasing Lonnie. She was even used to calm-in-the-storm Lonnie. But she wasn’t used to lost Lonnie.

 
; She picked up her phone and texted Mia.

  WYNN: Did Derek make it over to Lonnie’s last night?

  MIA: Holy pickle breath, he did. We’re sorry we left you with that. We didn’t know.

  WYNN: I was glad to help. Did Derek say how he’s holding up?

  MIA: He said he’s pissed. And terrified. *sad emoji*

  WYNN: He wasn’t expecting to have to become a dad over night.

  MIA: No. And we’re talking Lonnie! Can’t-take-anything-serious, Lonnie.

  Wynn was surprised at Mia’s comment, but she realized that the joking face was the one Lonnie showed the most. But she’d seen a very different side of him. He’d been a friend to her, and now he seemed to need one, too. They both kind of needed someone to be there in a way that their friends couldn’t quite understand because their perfect worlds hadn’t imploded around them.

  Wynn knew that wasn’t fair. Mia and Cam had been through a lot. Their worlds had definitely imploded before. But maybe that was why it made Wynn even more reluctant to talk about her own screwed up life with them. They’d already had enough bad in their lives. It was time for them just to focus on the good.

  WYNN: He has nothing for Edie. I was thinking I’d go by after work today and see if I can help him get some things.

  Eventually, Mia texted back.

  MIA: Derek told Lonnie he’d help him today, but Lonnie said he was just going to take it easy and then figure out what to do this weekend. *shrug emoji*

  WYNN: He literally has nothing for her. How’s he even going to make it a day?

  MIA: I think he’s in denial. But I guess he made it a month at his parents’ house without much more.

  WYNN: Speaking of. What kind of parents turn away their grandchild?

  MIA: I know. I can’t even imagine it.

  WYNN: I guess we’re lucky. We have amazing parents.

  MIA: We are.

  WYNN: Love you.

  MIA: Love you back.

  Doctor Morris only worked half days on Fridays. So after they’d closed up the vet clinic, Wynn went home, changed out of the scrubs she always wore, and sat at the desk in her room, drumming her fingers on the brand new textbook she’d pulled out.

  But she wasn’t thinking of the book. Instead, her head was full of Lonnie and the beautiful little girl he had sitting at his apartment in a Wonder Woman cape.

  She knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate until she’d seen how they were doing. Until she knew for a fact that Lonnie wasn’t drowning the way she’d been when he’d walked in and pulled her out from the undertow.

  So she drove to his apartment.

  It took a while for him to answer the door, and he looked surprised as all get-out when he saw her standing there. He still hadn’t shaved, and he was in an old beat up Def Leppard t-shirt with a pair of sweats that were hanging off his hips. He looked sexier than any man she’d seen in a long time. Wynn’s heart skipped a beat.

  No filling the void. She could hear the therapist in her head. No men, she could hear her own conscious say. That meant no Lonnie. She was here as a friend. That was it.

  “Hey,” they both said at the same time. And they both chuckled like they had the night before.

  “I just thought I’d come by and offer to help you get things set up for Edie,” Wynn explained.

  He scratched at his scruff like it was bothering him.

  “Honestly, I just kind of wanted to hang out today. Get my bearings. Try to catch up on some graphic design work.”

  He hadn’t offered for her to come in. Wynn fiddled with the ends of her hair. “I could help watch Edie while you got caught up.”

  She wasn’t sure why she was persisting. He stared at her for a moment, his brown eyes that looked like someone had tattooed a black line around them taking her in. She hadn’t dressed up at all when she changed. She was in a pair of jean shorts and her own t-shirt from a sorority event that had only been four years ago but somehow felt like it belonged to another life.

  “Never mind.” She went to leave, but he caught her arm by the elbow. His calloused hands on the soft, inner skin of her elbow sent tingles up her spine.

  “Wait,” he said softly, and she did. They both looked down at their skin where it touched, and he pulled back, hand to his beard again.

  “If you could stay while I get in the shower. Shave. That would be lifesaving.”

  “Sure.”

  He backed up and let her into the apartment. Edie was sitting on the couch, still in the pajamas that Wynn had put her in last night, with the Wonder Woman cape still tied around her neck. She had dry Cheerios spread all around her. On the couch. On the floor. On the coffee table.

  Lonnie took a look and swore under his breath.

  “How long were we at the door?” he asked as if he couldn’t believe the mess Edie had made in those brief seconds.

  Wynn laughed and was relieved to see his crazy grin return to his face. He looked even more exhausted than he had the night before, but at least he could still smile.

  “Edie, what did you do?” he asked her, trying to stay firm.

  “I’s dec’rate,” Edie said with her cute, mischievous grin lighting up her face.

  Lonnie and Wynn both looked to the TV where a rerun of “Fixer Upper” was playing. Wynn held back a laugh.

  “We don’t decorate with Cheerios.”

  “Why’s not?”

  “Because Cheerios are food.”

  “I keep. I’s get hungry?” Edie asked, suddenly serious.

  Wynn heard Lonnie’s intake of breath, as if Edie’s words had more meaning behind them than just a toddler wondering what to do if they got hungry, and it made her wonder what had happened to Edie in L.A.

  “You just have to ask, Chicken Lips. I’ll always give you food when you’re hungry.” Lonnie’s voice was tight with emotions that made Wynn’s heart hurt when she didn’t even know the story.

  Edie seemed to take him in doubtfully. “Tay.”

  “Hey, Edie. Why don’t you help me clean up the Cheerios while Uncle Lonnie goes and takes a shower? He’s stinky as heck,” Wynn said, putting her bag down and moving to the couch and the Cheerio-clad toddler.

  “I don’t stink,” Lonnie retorted. Wynn just gave him a look. He didn’t stink. In fact, she was pretty sure he smelled just as good as he always did, but she liked the idea of teasing him back into a good mood.

  Edie looked at Lonnie for a moment and then said, “Nonnie stink.”

  “Okay! Fine! I’ll go shower.” He moved toward the hallway. Wynn bent down and started to collect the Cheerios.

  “Wynn.” She looked up. Lonnie was stopped in the hallway, watching her.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks,” he said gruffly.

  “Don’t sweat it. But if you take too long, Edie and I might just redecorate your whole bachelor pad.” Wynn looked down at Edie and waggled her eyebrows. Edie smiled.

  When Wynn looked back up at Lonnie, he was grinning again before he headed down the hall without another word. Wynn was really glad she’d come by.

  After she and Edie cleaned up the Cheerios, she sat back down on the couch with the little girl. She had her cape twisted up in one hand, and her other thumb was in her mouth as she watched the TV. They sat that way in silence for a while.

  “Hey, Edie,” Wynn prompted her. The little girl looked up. “Where’d you get your cape?”

  “Mommy,” Edie said with a frown creasing her forehead. “You know Mommy?”

  “No. I don’t know your mommy.”

  “S’es sick,” Edie said somberly. Too somberly for a little girl of four.

  “Is that what Uncle Lonnie said?”

  Edie nodded.

  “Can you tell me what you like about your cape?”

  “I’s ‘visble,” Edie said as she pulled her cape over her entire tiny body.

  “Wow. Where did Edie go? I can’t find her,” Wynn asked, gently prodding at the little girl as if trying to find her. “All I see is this c
ouch. Edie? Where’d you go, Edie?”

  There was a tiny giggle from underneath the cape.

  “Wait. Did I hear her? Edie? Hello, Edie?”

  Edie peeked out from under the cape.

  “Whoa, where’d you come from? You weren’t kidding. That cape makes you invisible.”

  She ducked under the cape again.

  “Wait. Where’d you go? Holy mackerel, Lonnie is going to be so mad at me.”

  “What am I going to be mad about?” Lonnie asked, coming up behind the couch.

  Wynn looked up and her heart stopped. He was beaming at them, the smile pulling up the corners of his eyes so that they almost twinkled. He smelled like soap and shaving cream. His face was smooth. No scraggly beard left. She fought the sudden urge to run her fingers along the smooth planes. Their eyes locked in a way that made her heart pound and stop all over again. Made her heart feel like it hadn’t in what felt like a century.

  Next to her, Edie giggled underneath the cape and brought Wynn back from her journey into Lonnie’s eyes.

  “I lost Edie. She just disappeared. I guess her cape really does make her invisible,” Wynn said with her own smile that made Lonnie’s increase.

  He looked down at the little form hidden beneath the cape. “Well, it’s a good thing I have x-ray vision then.”

  He tickled the body that was hiding, and Edie burst out in laughter that was infectious. Little chimes of goodness that made Wynn’s heart happy.

  Lonnie picked up the ball that was Edie and continued to tickle her until her face popped out from under the cape and she laughed, “’Top! ‘Top!”

  “Stop? Stop what?”

  “No tickle no more.”

  “Aww man. You ruin all the fun.” But he was smiling at her, and the little girl was smiling back. It tugged at the hurt inside Wynn. The lost babies. The lost tickles and laughter. But it was okay. It allowed her to be here, right now, for these two people who needed someone in their lives.

  “Okay, you two. We need to go to the store,” Wynn said.

  “What?” Lonnie replied.

  “We have to decorate Edie’s room. Right, Edie?” Wynn looked down at the tiny body snuggling into Lonnie’s arms and winked at her.