my life as a mixtape (my life as an album Book 4)

by LJ Evans

  Wynn started laughing, and I looked up and frowned at her. “Who knew the Lumberjack was a wuss?”

  The smell was hitting me even worse. I thought I was going to lose the mashed potatoes that Wynn had made and that I’d shoveled in.

  Wynn unraveled herself from the corner of the couch. “Come on, Edie. Let’s go get you cleaned up before we need to clean Uncle Lonnie up, too.”

  Edie hesitated, but then she put her hand in Wynn’s and let Wynn lead her down the hall to the bathroom. I followed at a safe distance.

  Wynn started the tub and then looked back at me.

  “Why don’t you get a plastic bag we can put the clothes in so they don’t stink up the house, and then go get her some clean ones?”

  I just nodded. When I came back, Wynn had Edie stripped of everything but the cape. She’d tied the cape up around Edie’s neck so that it wouldn’t get into the mess and had gotten most of the gunk off with wipes before standing Edie in the tub.

  I bagged the clothes, gagging the whole time. I took them out to the garbage chute. There was no way in hell I was washing those clothes. I’d go buy a whole other truckload of clothes before I’d reuse them.

  I made it back to the bathroom in time to see Wynn trying to untie the cape, and Edie pushing her away. “Edie, I just want to wash your hair while we’re here. The cape will go right back on after, okay? I just don’t want it to get ruined by the water and the shampoo.”

  “I’s keep. I’s keep!” Edie started to cry and scream. I knew, any minute now, she was going to let out a bloodcurdling cry that would have the neighbors calling the cops.

  “Stop!” I said, coming in and stilling Wynn’s hands with my own.

  The action of my hands on her seemed to freeze her in the same way our skin touching always did me, but I wasn’t going to be able to calm Edie down for hours if she took the cape off. I knew. I’d had it happen to me in L.A.

  “We don’t need to take the cape off.”

  “What?”

  I went to the cupboard under the sink and took out a shower cap contraption I’d made. “We’ve kind of found a way to work around it.”

  I tucked the cape into one of the shower caps, and then wrapped the other shower cap around it, and then tied it all with a bunch of rubber bands. It wasn’t perfect. The strings of the cape still got drenched, but it worked.

  Edie stilled while I worked on the cape.

  Then, I stepped back, and Wynn just stared at me.

  “What?”

  Her eyes filled with tears. And I felt like a cad. What had I done?

  “Nothing.” The word came out all choked with emotion.

  She turned back to the tub and proceeded to help wash Edie’s hair and little body. When she was done, I pulled Edie out of the tub and wrapped her in a big towel, drying her skinny little body. A body that showed her tiny bones and concave stomach. A body that hadn’t been treated well.

  Once she was dressed, her eyes started to droop again. She picked up the teddy bear that Wynn had placed on the counter.

  “I’s go bed,” she said, and she walked out toward my room.

  “Hey, Eeds, you want to try your new bed tonight?”

  She stopped, looked at the door that was open to the room that Wynn and I had put together for her, then looked across to my room. She seemed to consider it.

  “I’s alone?”

  “Yes. You’ll be alone in the bed because I’m way too big for that, but it’s just the right size for you and that teddy of yours. And I’ll be right there. Across the hall. We’ll even leave the doors open. You can see my bed from your bed.

  She walked into her room and stood by the bed, looking back at my room and the bed that she could see there.

  “Tay. I’s try.”

  I tucked her in, squishing the blankets around her little body so that she looked like a dumpling on its side.

  “Nonnie?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’s like you.” My heart lurched and threatened to come out my throat just as the mashed potatoes had threatened to come out earlier.

  “Guess what?” I asked her.

  “What?”

  “I like you right back.”

  She smiled that sweet smile and then passed out. It was the most crazy thing I’d ever seen, how she did it. One moment, awake. And the next, zonked like there was no tomorrow.

  When I went back out, Wynn was curled into the edge of the couch again. I looked at the clock. It was one in the morning. I was exhausted. I was pretty sure that Wynn had to be exhausted too, but she didn’t look it. She looked just as beautiful as she had when she’d shown up on my doorstep that afternoon.

  “How are you not tired?” I asked, landing on the opposite corner of the couch because it was safer than sitting near her. I eyed the gaming chair. Maybe I should have sat there.

  “I was a nurse. Worked all kinds of shifts. My body just adjusts.”

  “That why you could deal with that shit storm that Edie let out, too?”

  She grinned and nodded.

  I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I was afraid I was going to fall asleep. I needed to make it into my bed tonight so that when Edie woke up she could see me across the hall. And I was afraid if I stayed up much longer on the couch, with Wynn, I wasn’t going to be able to make it to my bed. For more reasons than being tired.

  “Was your sister’s delivery difficult, do you know?”

  That question had me opening my eyes to look at her. “What?”

  “Just wondering about the delivery.”

  “Nah. She popped Edie out like it was nothing.” And I thought to myself, maybe that was the problem. Edie had been too easy. Hadn’t made a fuss. She’d been too easy for Lita to forget.

  “Are you sure? How do you know?” Wynn persisted in a line of questioning that I wasn’t following. I was dog-tired, but I was pretty sure that even if it was the first thing in the morning, I wouldn’t be following this line of thought.

  “I was there.”

  “You were in the room when your sister delivered the baby?” She seemed surprised. Shocked almost.

  “Don’t look at me like that. It’s not like I was down by her Twinkie or anything. Just held her hand. Who else was going to be there for her? She didn’t know who the father was. Rochelle refused to even see her. There was me or there was no one.”

  Silence. Wynn looked like she was struggling not to laugh. Her lips were curling up at the corners. I wasn’t sure what was so funny about me being my sister’s only lifeline at the birth of her child.

  “Did you just call your sister’s vagina a Twinkie?” Then she was laughing while trying not to. The sound as sweet as Edie’s.

  I couldn’t help but grin at that. “Yeah. Don’t you call it that?”

  “Sock monkey and now Twinkie. Who were your parents and why would they allow you to do this?” she asked, still laughing.

  That wiped my smile away. And she saw it disappear, which made her smile disappear.

  “Crap. I’m sorry,” she started.

  I didn’t want her smile to be gone. Plus, I sure as hell wasn’t going to be getting into the Mark and Rochelle stories this late at night. Maybe never. So I just did what I always did.

  “Language, Wynn. Language.” I waved my finger at her, and she pushed it away, but our fingers got tangled for a second, and all my body parts were suddenly wide awake.

  She pulled her fingers back, and I missed them. Missed the touch. Stupid, fucking idiotic.

  “Why all the questions about Edie’s birth?”

  “Well, she’s going to be four, right?”

  I nodded.

  “Her vocabulary is a little young. And she’s pretty small,” Wynn explained.

  I considered what she’d said. Edie had been small at birth, and she’d continued to be small as she grew. It didn’t help that her mom was too drugged up most of the time to remember to feed her. That she’d gone hungry. I hated that. But I didn’t know squat about
babies. About toddlers. Edie’s language hadn’t seemed a problem to me because I hadn’t known any better.

  “What do you think that means?” I asked because I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but I also didn’t want her to have any of the disorders my twin had.

  “Probably nothing. A lot of developmental delays are being linked back to lack of oxygen at birth because of tough deliveries, though. It’s why I asked.”

  “If it was anything, it would be the drugs that Lita took before she knew she was pregnant. Both her prescribed drugs and her entertainment drugs.”

  Wynn stared at me. I could feel it, even though my eyes were closed. “I’m sorry,” she said again for the second time in almost as many minutes.

  “Why are you sorry?”

  “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”

  They weren’t really bad memories. It just felt pretty crappy that I’d never been enough to be able to keep my sister—my twin—from going off the rails.

  “I gotta hit the hay,” I told her. I knew that I was ignoring what she’d put out there. Just like I hadn’t talked about Mark and Rochelle. But really, there was only so much I could take for one day. One set of issues at a time.

  Wynn nodded and stood up.

  I watched her walk to the door before I dragged my tired bones from the couch and followed her. She had the door open before I caught her, hand to her elbow again. Skin to skin.

  “Thank you,” I said and meant it because I didn’t want her to think I was a complete asshole.

  “I’m glad I could be here for you. You…you’ve been a good friend. I just wanted to be a friend back.”

  “You were. You are. Really. Thank you.”

  She nodded and left, and I let her. Because the truth was, if I didn’t let her, I would have been kissing the hell out of her. And my focus now had to be on Edie. On making her feel safe. On adding weight to her little body. I couldn’t be a selfish bastard and lose myself in this gorgeous woman, because I couldn’t promise anything more out of it. Not now. Probably never.

  So, I just watched as she walked down the stairs to her little sports car. I made sure she got in it safe and sound, and then I dragged myself off to my room where I traded my shorts for a pair of sweats, and fell asleep almost as hard as Edie had.

  Breathless

  Forts & Leo Wyatt

  “Broken and scarred

  Somehow you made it through.”

  —Better Than Ezra

  Wynn didn’t go back to Lonnie’s again the following week. She focused on it being her second to last week with Doctor Morris and starting her online classes. But that didn’t mean she didn’t think about him. And Edie. The little girl who wouldn’t take off the cape that her mama had bought her, even though, from the sound of it, Lita had been a pretty crappy mother.

  She was tempted to text Lonnie a few times but didn’t. He’d been pretty clear that he wasn’t ready to share much about his life. And she wasn’t in a place to want to beg. She was just getting her own head on straight. Healing the holes and not stuffing them full. The therapist’s words hung around her head so often that it was like her anthem these days.

  So, when she stopped by Mia’s the next Saturday to visit and saw Edie sitting on the barstool using a spoon to lick a cookie dough bowl clean, her heart skipped a beat.

  “Wynn!” Mia called out as she stood, taking a sheet full of cookies out of the oven. Mia was a really good baker. She wouldn’t have had a lopsided strawberry cake like the one Wynn had made for them when they’d gotten home.

  Edie looked up at Wynn’s name, and her face turned serious. It surprised Wynn. She’d expected a smile at least.

  “Hey, Mia! Hey, Edie,” Wynn said, sitting down on a barstool next to the little girl. “How’s the cookie dough?”

  Edie shrugged.

  “Would you like a cookie instead of the dough?” Mia asked the little girl, and the toddler’s eyes lit up and a smile took over her face. She nodded.

  Mia handed her a cookie. “Careful, it’s still a little hot.”

  Edie took the cookie and broke it in half. She put her tongue to it, and her smile increased. She gobbled it up, chocolate spreading all over her face in a way that made Wynn smile even more.

  “Wow, I guess that means you like it?” Wynn laughed. She got up and got her own cookie from the cooling rack.

  When she got back to the counter, Edie was staring at it. Wynn split it in half. “Do you want to share this one with me?”

  Edie looked from the cookie to Wynn’s face, and her smile disappeared again.

  “What’s wrong, Edie?” Wynn asked.

  “You’s sick?”

  Wynn’s heart slammed into her stomach. Edie had said that Lonnie had told her that her mama was sick, which was why she wasn’t there. Wynn hadn’t thought about what Edie would think of her popping into their lives and then disappearing again.

  “No, I haven’t been.”

  “I’s liked you,” Edie said in the past tense, and it made Wynn want to cry. She seemed to have let this broken little girl down in the worst possible way. She seemed to be good at letting people down these days. Grant. The hospital. Mia and Derek.

  “I like you too, Edie. A lot. I’m sorry I wasn’t around much this week. I was working,” Wynn tried to explain, but she knew to a toddler it just meant she hadn’t been there. There wasn’t a justification that would make Edie feel better.

  “You’s don’t live with Nonnie?”

  “No, I don’t live with Lonnie. But you could come see where I live some time. My mama would like that a whole lot.”

  “You’s live with you’s mommy?” Edie took this in, still serious.

  “I do.”

  “Tay,” she said and then looked at the cookie again. Wynn handed over half of it, and it disappeared into a face that was pretty much all chocolate. Wynn and Mia exchanged glances that spoke volumes about their worry about the little girl.

  Derek and Lonnie came in from the studio, the two men looking every bit the musicians they were. Torn jeans and worn t-shirts with mussed up hair that was perfectly gorgeous. Wynn couldn’t help but smile at them, and when she looked over at Mia, she was doing the same.

  “Nonnie. I’s make cookies!” Edie said as she swiveled excitedly, practically jumping into Lonnie’s arms.

  Lonnie’s smile grew as he caught his niece before she hit the ground. “I made cookies,” Lonnie corrected. “Are you sure you didn’t just smear them all over your face?”

  Mia handed him a wet paper towel over the counter, and he wiped at Edie’s cheeks while she protested and then squirmed out of his arms. She took off for the couch where the teddy bear with the mask sat along with a bunch of other toys they’d bought the previous weekend.

  Edie picked the bear up and wrapped him in her cape that swung from her back. Then she sat down on the couch, thumb in her mouth, staring at the TV where Mia had some PBS children’s show playing.

  “Wynn,” Lonnie said while Derek gave her a one-armed hug. “How you been?”

  He sat down on the barstool his niece had just vacated. Derek moved around to sling an arm around Mia and kiss her cheek before stealing a cookie from the rack.

  “Good. Just work. School.”

  “School?” Lonnie looked surprised.

  “Wynn’s getting her teaching credential,” Mia said, sinking down onto another of the stools. Derek leaned on the counter, watching everyone.

  “Wow. How did I not know that?” he asked. Wynn shrugged. It hadn’t exactly come up in their few conversations.

  “Lonnie said you saved his ass last weekend with Edie. I always knew he was a big pansy,” Derek teased.

  “The stuff I had to handle as a newbie nurse in the ER was way worse, trust me,” Wynn said as she smiled.

  She saw Lonnie shudder, and she pushed his shoulder. “You really are a wuss.”

  “Just with bodily fluids,” he retorted.

  “How’s the session going?” Mia aske
d the men.

  “Good, but it’ll be better to hear it with the whole band in a bigger studio on Friday,” Derek responded.

  “You’re going to Nashville next week?” Wynn asked surprised, looking at Lonnie and then over to Edie.

  “Mama’s going to watch Edie until I get off work, and then I’m taking over,” Mia explained.

  Somehow, this made Wynn feel like she’d been jilted. Not even considered. It hurt after everything she’d done for Lonnie and Edie.

  “You’re working, right?” Lonnie asked as if he read the hurt that she’d tried to keep hidden.

  “Yeah. This is my last week at the vet’s,” she told him. It softened the blow a little to know that he hadn’t completely dismissed her.

  “Are you done for the day?” Mia asked Derek.

  “We have a little more to do, but Lonnie’s hungry,” Derek teased.

  “Lonnie’s always hungry.” Mia teased also.

  “Growing boy,” Lonnie said, grinning at their harassment.

  “You’re almost twenty-seven. I don’t think you can possibly be growing anymore. Unless your gut counts,” Derek said.

  Lonnie patted his flat stomach. There was nothing wrong with his stomach. Wynn knew. She’d seen it naked at the lake, and it was all muscled contours that said he worked out regularly.

  “Nothing wrong with this baby.” Lonnie continued to grin.

  “Nonnie, you’s have a baby?” Edie asked, coming to stand next to him, watching him as he touched his stomach. They all laughed. Hard.

  “Nope, Chicken Lips. No baby in here,” he said, pulling her up on his lap. “You hungry?”

  She nodded.

  “How about a pizza?”

  Edie nodded again.

  “Okay. Derek and I are going to go get it at Tito’s. Do you want to stay with Mia and Wynn or come with me?” he asked.

  Edie looked at all the adults, assessing them all. Her gaze landed on Wynn again. “I’s stay.”

  “I want to stay,” Lonnie corrected her. “Okay. I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”

  The men left, and Mia and Wynn moved to the floor near the coffee table so they could play with Edie.