That's Not How You Wash A Squirrel: A collection of new essays and emails.
Page 6
Seb and I rollerbladed at a nearby tennis court a few times after that but it wasn’t the same. Joggers stopped to watch us and a tennis player told us off for leaving marks on the surface. Once when we were there, a group of teens threw pinecones at us and when it rained, we couldn’t use it all. Eventually we stopped going and when Seb grew out of his rollerblades, we didn’t replace them.
We continued to visit Philip for a while but there wasn’t much to do at his house. Our visits turned into short visits, which became infrequent short visits. Philip watched the football or cricket while we were there. It’s always either football or cricket season in Australia. Conversation, about cars and the weather, was kept to commercial breaks.
The last time we visited, Philip yelled at Seb for asking if we could try the trapdoor again. It would have meant moving a coffee table and rug again for no reason. Seb had a Playstation and toys at home and I had stuff to do.
It was a quick service. I said a few words about how much Philip loved football and cricket. Seb had chosen the song to play. The box lowered with a clank and whirr as Centerfold by the J. Geils Band (Sizzlin’ Summer Hits 82 tape 3) played at a respectable level in the background.
Philip had never let on that he was sick. Or perhaps he had and I just didn’t pick up on it. I vaguely recall him mentioning something about his prostate but I assumed that was something all old men deal with. To be honest, I’d thought he was talking about not being able to maintain an erection and had changed the subject.
There were only a handful of people at the crematorium, I didn’t know any of them apart from my sister and I hadn’t seen her in several years. She met Seb for the first time and invited us to visit sometime. I told her, “Okay, that sounds good.”
The following weekend, while Seb and I were at Philip’s house packing his belongings, we tried the trapdoor one last time. It wouldn’t open but we thought we heard running and a shout above so maybe someone else had found a way in.
Seb tried knocking but there was no answer.
We did visit my sister a few weeks later but there were no secret passageways in her house and neither Seb nor I gave a fuck about her Origami Owls or potplant hangers.
Any halfwit with a roll of string and a few sticks can set up an Etsy shop.
Cloud Backgrounds
From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Pay
Hey,
Did you know Jodie makes more per annum than me? Do you think I should say something to Mike?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.19am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Pay
Without question. I’m surprised you haven’t already kicked in Mike’s door and demanded an explanation. Apart from Jodie having worked here longer than you of course. How do you know her income?
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.25am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Pay
I just saw who gets what on Melissa’s screen when she was getting coffee. I should be making more than Jodie the fat bitch doesn’t even know how to use Photoshop. I’ve got a degree and she hasn’t got shit. Mike’s in a meeting or I would have. Should I just ask for a raise or should I say I know what Jodie gets and I should be getting at least the same as her?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.36am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Walter,
As you saw ‘who gets what’, you know that I also earn more than you - and a lot less than others who have been here longer. Regardless, I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by equating your worth to hers. Ignoring your inarguably superior set of skills, just having you around is worth twice Jodie’s wage.
However bad my day is, I can always depend on you to be having a worse one. Misery loves company and with you it’s like having a party. Just popping out of my office to have a quick squiz at your scowling sad head staring at the clock has gotten me through many an afternoon.
Feel free to ignore my advice but, if I were you, I’d demand a minimum of 20% over Jodie’s current wage - unless of course you doubt your skills are 20% greater than hers. That way, when Mike talks you down to 10%, you still come out on top.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
I don’t stare at the clock and I don’t care that you make more than me, you’re old. Jodie’s not much older than I am. My skills are 2000% greater than hers. She doesn’t know anything.
What if he says no?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.52am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Walter,
Why would Mike say no? If you provide a list of reasons - perhaps through a Power Point presentation - of why you deserve to be paid a fair amount for what you bring to the company, it would be illogical for him to anything of the sort.
I’d keep the list short, say five bullet points, to avoid repeating and diffusing your strengths. The ‘misery party’ thing is the same as ‘happiness vacuum’ so don’t use both. Focus on five defined strengths that you feel confident discussing further if prompted. It’s pretty standard stuff.
Also, I’d strike while the iron’s hot. I know Mike has meetings all day but he breaks for lunch at twelve so that would probably be the best time to catch him. Do you think you could have a presentation ready by then? It shouldn’t take you long to set up the projector.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 9.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Single screen or presentation?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 10.04am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
A five-screen presentation with animated page swipes and boing noises would obviously best showcase your talents but, as you only have a couple of hours, I’d suggest content and layout as priorities.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Something like this?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 10.38am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Looks good. I’d make the key words (paid, degree, experience, quickly, unattended, knowledge, skills) in bold as well though. Also, change the dots to checkboxes and add another question mark.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 10.57am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.03am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
That’s a lot better but when I said checkboxes, I had more of a chart thing in mind. A comparison between your strengths and Jodie’s. The current layout allows one to question,
“Yes, but which of these strengths does Jodie also have?”
I’d make it a bit more obvious that she has none.
Also, as your five key points are meant to be strengths, not essays, I’d lose everything but the words in bold. The simpler you make it, the less there will be to explain.
The word ‘quickly’ won’t work like that so change it to ‘speedy’ and ‘unattended’ to ‘untenable’, they mean the same thing.
The word ‘why’ in the title is also a bit superfluous. The whole title is superfluous really. Remove it and just have a large VS between your names. It will be a lot cleaner. If you wanted to push a point, you could have Jodie’s name written in Comic Sans. It will add a subtle visual statement regarding her lack of typographic experience. That’s up to you though.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.08am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Checkboxes like a chart?
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.12am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Yes, exactly. Unless you’d prefer a bar graph. Also, add a cloud background.
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.35am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Not sure about a cloud background.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.39am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Mike likes cloud backgrounds and you only get one first impression. One issue though, ‘experience’ and ‘knowledge & skills’ are the same thing so I would change ‘knowledge & skills’ to ‘understanding’, and ‘experience’ to ‘wisdom’. Also, make ‘degree’ ‘equipped’. Once you’ve made these changes, it should be good to go.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.51am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
I had to reverse the type because you couldn’t see it otherwise. I haven’t got time to make any more changes and I think it looks pretty good.
I might make the lensflare a bit brighter though.
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From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.53am
To: Walter Bowers
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
I wouldn’t mess with perfection.
I’d say good luck but you won’t need it.
David
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From: Walter Bowers
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 11.56am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pay
Thanks.
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From: Mike Campbell
Date: Monday 17 August 2015 12.37pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Walter’s timesheets
David, can I see you in my office when you have a moment?
Mike
Things
Holly pretends she doesn’t have any ‘things that she does’. Things that are annoying. She actually has several ‘things’ but I won’t list them all here. Because I’m kind and respectful, not because I can’t think of any. Apparently I have a lot of ‘things’ and a quick skim through Holly’s foreword reveals highly exaggerated examples. Some people need to put down others to feel better about themselves and, as is usually the case, those blind to their own imperfections display them far more boldly than those of us who accept and work around them.
As far as ‘things’ go, yelling at people on the television may not seem like a big ‘thing’ but Holly yells at people on the television a lot. She once yelled at a woman on television for wearing a puffy jacket. I mentioned to Holly recently that yelling at people was one of her ‘things’ and she replied, “What are you talking about? I’ve never yelled at the television in my life.”
Writing down everything Holly yelled during a week of television, I actually went through two pocket-notepads. The following are just highlights.
Jeopardy
“Oh my god, Sarah. You’re on Jeopardy and that’s the best story you could come up with? That you caught a train in Pakistan? Nobody gives a fuck.”
“Shut up Alex, you condescending Canadian. You only know the answer because you have the answer written on a card.”
“Mongolia? Oh my god, you stupid cow. Mongolia doesn’t have a double T in it.”
“Nice cardigan, Roger!”
“You have to phrase it as a question Vest Boy. Shaking your head doesn’t change anything. Learn the rules or fuck off back to Pennsylvania.”
“How did you even get on this show, Brenda? Do you have a friend that works there? Did you just sneak in?”
“Make it a true daily double, Brian!”
“Drawing a flower instead of a dot in your name doesn’t make you cute, Vicky. Nothing will.”
“What is Aleve!”
“Nobody had a brush you could borrow, Dennis? ”
“Don’t get too cocky Sarah, you train riding fuck. It was an easy question. You’re not all that.”
“Please. You couldn’t iron your shirt, Matt?”
Wheel of Fortune
“It’s ‘warming’ the oven you idiot. Not ‘burning’. Why would you burn an oven?”
“Just solve the puzzle, Jenny. It’s for a trip. What are you doing? Don’t spin again... See, that’s what happens you crazy eyed homeless woman. Now the fat fuck on the end gets to go to Mexico.”
“A walk in the dark, Paula? Really? That’s a phrase in your house is it? Someone asks you if something is difficult and you tell them ‘No, it’s a walk in the dark’? Why don’t you go for a walk in the dark. And get murdered.”
“Yes, that’s right Stephanie, give yourself a little clap you flabby fish-faced prostitute.”
The Great Race
“Oh my god Susan, just paint the wooden giraffe already.”
Commercials
“Okay Bob. Enough. Nobody wants your ugly sofa set for $799 even if it does come with a free ottoman. It looks like you stole it off the front porch of a crack house
.”
“Shut up you little whore, you don’t need that many snacks for the Girl Scout meeting.”
“Nobody cares about trivago.com, just give it up. It’s a stupid name and you look like a child molester. Especially when you do that wink and point thing... that’s the one.”
“Eight dollars? I’ve seen them for six at Target you thieving pirate king.”
Flea Market Flip
“Gorgeous is hardly the word I’d use to describe a piece of chipboard glued to a stack of wheel rims, Lara. I wouldn’t put that in a house full of squatters.”