That's Not How You Wash A Squirrel: A collection of new essays and emails.
Page 11
Fuel and air ignited, the engine screamed. Holly let a small yelp of surprise as the wheels spun, gripped, threw the vehicle forward. I let out a larger yelp as I was thrown back in my seat. We tore past the Nissan Cube like it was travelling backwards. With a glance in the rear mirror, Holly eased back on the accelerator and back into our lane. I glanced across at the speedometer, watched it drop from well over a hundred to ninety, then eighty. Holly sat on eighty.
“Its got pretty good pickup,” Holly shouted. She sounded odd. “How many horsepowers does it actually have?”
“I don’t know, I’m not a mechanic. It’s a V8 so at least eight. You should probably slow down a little bit.”
“I’m not going that fast.”
“Yes you are. It just seems slow after coming out of warp speed. At least take it down to seventy.”
Holly slowed down to seventy to take a soft corner, powered out of it doing ninety.
“Seriously, you’re going to get a speeding ticket,” I advised, “there’s police along this road all the time.”
“I could probably outrun them.”
“Who are you? If a deer jumps out in the middle of the road right now, it will go straight through the windshield and kick me to death.”
“Fine.”
“Thank you.”
“You can change the radio station if you like. Put on something with a bit of bass.”
“No, NPR is fine. I’m kind of interested now. Who knew Indonesia had such a rich history of puppetry?”
“I need cigarettes. Do you want a coffee?”
“Not from Sheetz.”
For those unfamiliar with Sheetz, it’s a service station - or gas station - in America, with a mini supermarket and hot food. They make terrible coffee and everyone that works there hates their life and you. In Australia, service stations are commonly referred to as a ‘servo’. Diminutive forms of words are commonly used in everyday Australian English. Blowflies are blowies, tracksuit pants are tracky dacks, sunglasses are sunnies. It isn’t cute or ‘oh so Australian’, it stems from laziness and anger at having to use more than one syllable. Whole sentences are often replaced with a single diminutive, or grunt, and a conversation that might normally consist of, ”I’m just going to go for a drive to the service station as I’m out of cigarettes, I’ll be back shortly,” becomes a shake of the keys and, “Servo. Ciggies.”
Holly only ever buys one packet of cigarettes. She’s been giving up’ for almost three years now but likes to keep up the pretense of it being her last pack. I’ve never had the slightest inclination to stop smoking but I can’t image it would be all that hard if I wanted to. Wanting to is the only reason I do anything really. There are things I do that I don’t want to do, like work, but that’s only because I want to buy things more than I want to not work. I want to enjoy that first taste of smooth smoke with my morning coffee much more than I can ever imagine wanting to run a marathon. I assume that’s the same way fat women feel about cake and good on them I say. Nobody wants to see them running anyway.
Holly turned off the ignition and stated she’d back shortly. I lent my elbow out of the window, watched as a guy held the entrance door open for her. He had a big bushy beard like a lumberjack and I know Holly has a thing for lumberjacks. He smiled and said, “Nice car.”
“Thanks,” Holly replied, “it’s a V8.”
Arriving home last week, by drifting the length of the driveway and performing a handbrake stop, Holly called me out to admire her new twenty-inch rims. I don’t get to drive the Challenger much. Holly drives it to work everyday so I generally just use the Kia. It’s practical and fuel-efficient. This morning, Holly told me she wants a Mopar cold air intake system for Christmas.
Photography
I blame Melissa. She was the one who said, “I know someone” when the photographer we usually use was unavailable and his backup indisposed. Afterwards she stated, “Well I don’t ‘know him, know him’, he took the photos at my sister’s wedding. They weren’t all that good though.”
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 10.55am
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
We received the flash drives this morning, thank you for couriering them to us so quickly.
I had Jodie copy the images over and we are both a little confused. Are these placeholder images? If so, when can we expect final photos?
In order to meet deadline, we require final photos by this Friday to have client approval before next Tuesday when the printers are expecting artwork.
Regards, David.
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 11.19am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Patio photos
They are the final photos.
Rob
................................................................................................
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 11.33am
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Re: Re: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. I have checked the proposal and it seems to indicate that $3200 covers the “commission and delivery of professionally staged photographs.”
The brief called for photos of a family enjoying year-round use of their patio - barbecuing, having a party, that kind of thing. The promotional material we are designing for the client is intended to be aspirational.
Twenty-eight snapshots of an overweight woman sitting in a chair provide little aspiration, unless it’s to have diabetes and what appears to be deep vein thrombosis.
Regards, David
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 11.58am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
Those are the only photos I could get. The photos were taken on a new Nikon D5500 which is 24.2 megapixel. You can’t get any higher resolution than that.
Rob
................................................................................................
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 12.17pm
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
I’m not questioning the resolution. Being able to zoom in on an image while retaining sharp detail is hardly a bonus in this instance though. The model chosen looks like she is waiting at a bus stop on her way to spend Kohl’s Cash. Probably on another pair of brown slacks.
Which photo would you suggest for the cover? The one of her raising her thumb or the one of her holding a slice of cantaloupe? Of the twenty-six remaining photos, seventeen show her sitting cross legged pointing at things and the other nine are blurry.
It was indicated in the first meeting that the price for photography included talent and props for the day, i.e. four adults, three children, cake and sparklers, food and wine.
I don’t recall ‘grabbing Nan and sticking her outside by herself with a slice of cantaloupe’ being discussed as a possible alternative.
What exactly did the $3200 cover?
Regards, David
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 12.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
The $3200 covered camera equipment and my time. I took the photos and I don’t appreciate you insulting my wife. People who are in their 50’s build patios and most people just relax on their patios not have parties. It’s about the pat
io.
The other people I asked to be there on the day had to take their dog to the vet to be put down and I didn’t have time to organize anyone else.
If you want me to take more photos I can but I won’t be able to get them to you before Friday.
Rob
................................................................................................
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 1.12pm
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
Thank you for the offer but we won’t be requiring more photographs of your wife - with or without additional sad family members. We will, however, keep you in mind should we ever find ourselves commissioned to design brochures titled Locating Backyard Items or Healthy Alfresco Snacks for the Lonely.
As the $3200 agreed to was for the commission and delivery of professionally staged photographs, not to buy Robert a nice camera, I have notified the accounts department that we will not be paying that portion of your invoice.
We have, however, agreed to pay your $280 charge for ‘burning’ twenty-eight images to twenty-eight 128MB flash drives. Mainly because nobody knew quite how to react to the situation and Kevin in accounting said he could use the drives to send electronic Christmas cards to his friends and relatives this year.
Regards, David
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 1.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
You have to pay the invoice in full for the amount agreed on. I’m out $2900 on the camera equipment alone plus travel and meetings. You don’t just get to say whether you pay or not after I’ve done the work. What planet do you live on?
Rob
................................................................................................
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 1.52pm
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
You were present during the meeting in which we discussed project requirements. At no point during that meeting did you put your hand up and ask, “How set on the whole ‘family enjoying the benefits of year-round outdoor living’ thing are you? I had more of a ‘tuck-shop lady giving directions and handling fruit’ approach in mind.”
The fact that your fee covered the purchase price of equipment to fulfill the commission isn’t reason to pay that fee but it does explain a lot. Is this your first camera?
Based on your business model, I’m considering opening my own surgery. I have no formal training in the field of medicine but if I order a stack of business cards with ‘David Thorne, Professional Surgeon’ printed on them and charge my first patient for a set of robes and a decent scalpel, I should be good to go. If questioned over fees after being admitted for an appendectomy and leaving with a pamphlet on toe fungus, I’ll simply explain to them the ‘out of pocket system’ of business startup.
We have arranged for a capable photographer to redo the shoot on short notice. Project costs allocated to the commission and delivery of professionally staged photographs are therefore covered. We will not be paying your invoice, recommending you to anyone, or listening to Melissa ever again when she says she “knows someone.”
Regards, David
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 2.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
If I haven’t received full payment within 14 days, I’ll be taking legal action.
Rob
................................................................................................
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 2.29pm
To: Robert Lawson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
Hello Robert,
If you need someone to represent you, let me know. I have a friend who could do with the cash. He makes very little as a Sandwich Artist so I’m sure if he can organize a briefcase and get someone to take his shift, he’d be happy to show up on the day and give it a whack.
Regards, David
................................................................................................
From: Robert Lawson
Date: Wednesday 14 October 2015 3.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Patio photos
See you in court.
Scrabble
“David.”
“Nnnnn?”
“Are you awake?”
“What?”
“Are you awake?”
“No.”
“I had a bad dream. ”
“Okay.”
“There were zombies everywhere and we had to leave the house and we were really tired because we had to climb a hill but the zombies didn’t get tired, they just kept coming.”
“There’s no such thing as zombies. Go back to sleep.”
“That’s when they get you. When you sleep.”
“Right, we’ll take turns on watch then. I’ll sleep now while you keep lookout and we’ll switch in a few hours.”
“At the top of the hill there was a farmhouse owned by an old lady who grew her own vegetables. We stayed there and built a big fence to keep the zombies out.”
“She just let us live there?”
“She was nice. And it was a big house with lots of rooms. ”
“So the old lady gets a new fence and we live rent-free on a self-sustainable farm? That sounds pretty good to me.”
“No it wasn’t ‘pretty good’ because the zombies got through the fence. You should have made it stronger. You say you know how to make things but they come out terrible and everyone dies.”
“Nice.”
“It’s like the coffee table. You should have watched a YouTube video or something before making it. It’s all wobbly. If you put a cup of tea on it and someone bumps the edge, the tea spills everywhere. It doesn’t even have to be a big bump. We should just take it outside and burn it.”
“I didn’t make that. We bought it from IKEA.”
“You put it together.”
“Fine, if we are ever living in an old lady’s farmhouse on the top of a hill during a zombie apocalypse and I need to build a fence, I’ll watch a YouTube instructional video prior to construction.”
“It’ll be too late then, there won’t be any Internet. It will be down. Everything will be down. You’d need look up how to build a fence well in advance.”
“Holly, it’s... 3.40am. I’m going back to sleep. Why don’t you look it up and if I ever need to construct a zombie-proof fence, you can supervise. ”
“What if I’m already dead?”
“Then I’ll be dead too. I’ll go down protecting you.”
“You’re just saying that. In my dream, you made it to the top of the hill a lot quicker than I did.”
“We both know that’s not possible. You jog and go to the gym. I get winded making toast.”
“You discover untapped strength when you’re being chased by zombies. Like that lady who managed to lift an entire tree when her baby was trapped under it.”
“What was the baby doing under a tree?”
“I don’t know, I think the tree fell down in a storm.”
“Why was the lady outside during a storm with her baby and why wasn’t she trapped as well? Did she throw the baby and run when she saw the tree falling? The entire story is full of holes and probably completely fabricated. Or,
at best, largely exaggerated. It might have been a twig or small branch and, through retellings like your own, became an example of found strength during need.”
“No, it was a big tree. An oak or something. Scientists measured it afterwards and it was ten feet thick.”
“Ten feet? That is a big tree. If it is a true story, and I fully accept it may be now that scientists are involved, she would have needed to construct some kind of pulley system or at least use a lever and fulcrum.”
“Fine, if we are ever being chased by zombies, I’ll use adrenaline to get away and you can fuck around with a long stick and a triangle. Then it will just me and the old lady and her son living in the farmhouse.”
“You didn’t mention the old lady had a son.”
“No, because I knew you’d be jealous.”
“I’m not jealous, I’m just wondering why the son didn’t help with the fence. Living on a farm, I’m sure he’s built fences before. How old was he?”
“I don’t know, late twenties.”
“Well, there you go. Was he strapping?”
“See.”
“No, I’m just trying to get a clearer picture of what’s going on. I’m outside building a fence, the old lady is probably tending to her veggies, and you and Cletus are doing what? It’s beginning to sound less like a zombie apocalypse than a Mills & Boon novel.”