The Sapphire Widow

by Jefferies, Dinah

He narrowed his eyes. ‘Seriously. Not a chance!’ He paused for a moment. ‘Look, while Conor is with Irene can you slip away?’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Yes.’

  She nodded. ‘Just for a little while.’

  ‘Come on. Let’s go to the ramparts.’

  Walking close to each other but not quite touching, they made their way, smelling the fish hanging out to dry as they passed that shop. Everyone greeted Louisa as they went by and she smiled back at one and all.

  ‘You know the whole town,’ he said.

  ‘Pretty much.’

  ‘Would you like an ice cream?’ he asked and stopped outside an ice-cream vendor’s tiny shop.

  ‘Mango sorbet, please,’ she said.

  He bought the ices and handed one to her.

  They passed the softly scented frangipani tree and reached the old walls, where they looked out across the shimmering silvery ocean in the dusk.

  ‘It seems to go on for ever, doesn’t it.’

  She nodded as they sat themselves on the wall and she carried on licking her ice. ‘I love the salty smell of the sea and the way it always changes.’

  ‘What does it mean to you? Living here, that is.’ He waved an arm across the view.

  ‘I feel rooted here.’

  He glanced at her and reached across to touch her chin where a drop of her ice had dripped. He wiped it away with his fingertips and then licked them.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said.

  ‘Would you ever live anywhere else?’ he asked.

  ‘That depends on the reason for moving. What about you?’

  ‘I suppose the plantation is the first place I’ve called my own. I’m enjoying having control over my life.’

  She tilted her head and frowned. ‘You didn’t before?’

  ‘In a way I always have, but a lot of my decisions resulted from chance. This is something I’ve actually chosen and committed years of my life to.’

  ‘And you have Conor to think of now.’

  He nodded. ‘Which changes everything.’

  She paused. ‘Leo, do you think trust is more important than love?’

  ‘Maybe you can’t have one without the other.’

  ‘I trusted Elliot.’

  ‘We’ve all given our trust where it wasn’t deserved.’

  ‘But you can’t let one betrayal dominate your life, can you, otherwise you’ll never really live.’

  He turned and tipped up her chin as he gazed at her. ‘And now? How are you feeling now?’

  ‘I feel as if I’m coming alive again.’

  That evening things passed relatively peacefully and when Conor was safely tucked up in bed, Gwen smiled at Louisa and told her how much she had liked Leo. Even on such a short acquaintance she could tell he was a genuine person. ‘Very real,’ she said.

  Louisa was happy to hear it and also felt relieved Conor seemed more settled; he had willingly cleaned his teeth and put on his pyjamas without a fuss. He’d even allowed her to read him a bedtime story. Once she’d finished he asked about the little girl she’d told him about.

  ‘The one whose mummy died too.’

  ‘She grew up.’

  ‘And was she happy?’

  She smiled at him. ‘Conor, that little girl was me and, yes, I have been very happy. It doesn’t mean I haven’t missed my mum.’

  ‘Can you still see her?’

  ‘Can you see your mum?’

  ‘All the time. I imagine she’s sitting on my bed in the morning. And I imagine her coming for a walk with me in the cinnamon plantation. I tell her about all the creatures.’

  ‘Well, that’s good. We keep the people we love in our hearts.’

  ‘Even when they are gone?’

  ‘Even then. Yes.’

  She touched his cheek, then got up and turned out the light. For a few moments, she stood outside his room and felt her heart lift. The conversation had reminded her of how she used to picture her mother in the kitchen stirring a cake mixture in an earthenware bowl, her fair hair falling over her face. And how she would see her hanging on to her hat when the blustery sea breezes blew too wildly. Or how she would curl up on the sofa, concentrating on a magazine, the pages rustling as she turned them, while the monsoon raged outside. These were not memories. They were invented images she used to console herself with as she grew up. The actual memories were hazy, incomplete moments: a hint of a smile and the lingering warmth of an embrace. No more than that.

  Later, when the adults were comfortably seated in the sitting room after dinner, they heard Alice crying, so Gwen went upstairs to see to her. It was then that Irene spoke up.

  ‘I should be the one to put the boy to bed. Don’t you think the sooner he gets used to me the better? When I have custody –’

  ‘Maybe when he knows you better,’ Louisa interrupted, aiming for a conciliatory tone.

  Irene puffed out her cheeks. ‘Your husband hardly more than six months in his grave and …’

  Louisa felt her jaw stiffen but continued to keep her voice calm. ‘Is it any of your business, Irene?’

  ‘But in front of the child …’

  She wanted to hit back at Irene, but couldn’t bear to give her the satisfaction, so went on speaking in a level tone. ‘Look, Irene, Leo and I are good friends and that’s all. He has been very supportive during what has been a most trying and upsetting time for me while I’ve been dealing with your son’s betrayal of me and of our marriage.’

  Irene sniffed. ‘When a husband strays, I blame the wife.’

  ‘And by that you mean?’

  ‘If you’d only had children …’

  Louisa felt stunned. ‘So you blame me for his extramarital affair. And what about his debts? Were they my doing too?’

  Irene shrugged.

  Louisa fumed as she listened to the sounds from the kitchen, the staff’s footsteps, the hum of a radio. It was the time of night when everyone was busy finishing off the chores of the day but soon the house would go to sleep and she could nurse her anger alone.

  Her mother-in-law had always been a challenge, but this was the last straw and the trouble was, other than throwing the woman out, there was no way to encourage her to leave.

  Margo had been looking at her feet while all of this was going on but then she glanced up at her mother.

  ‘That was grossly unfair. I think you should apologize to Louisa.’

  ‘I knew you’d defend her. You prefer being with her than coming home to stay with me. Don’t think I haven’t cottoned on. And while you’ve given me no clue as to why you threw up your job in London, I have no doubt you’ve told Louisa the whole story.’

  As Irene rose from her seat, Margo replied, ‘Have you even thought why that might be?’

  ‘You are my daughter.’

  ‘And you my mother.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘I fell in love with a married man.’

  With a sharp intake of breath, Irene promptly sat down again. ‘You should have told me. Is it over?’

  ‘No. He’s getting a divorce.’

  Irene looked pale and shocked. ‘Oh Margo! I don’t understand you.’

  ‘Exactly my point.’

  ‘Well, this is such a disappointment. I think I’ve heard enough for one night.’ And with that she rose to her feet again and, this time, swept out of the room.

  ‘I feel disloyal, but sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve her as a mother,’ Margo said while Louisa shook her head.

  ‘I think an early night, don’t you? Thank God tomorrow’s another day. Maybe it’ll be better.’

  ‘And at least Mum doesn’t get up early,’ Margo said. ‘Gives you a chance to slip out with Conor.’

  Louisa grinned at her.

  A little later Leo phoned. Louisa picked up and when she heard his voice her heart skipped a beat. ‘Is everything all right?’ she said.

  ‘I just wanted to know if Conor’s okay.’

  ‘He’s fine. He talked about Zinnia.’
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br />   ‘I’m glad. That’s progress.’ She heard him cough and then when he spoke his voice sounded gruff. ‘Well, that’s not actually the whole truth. I do want to know about Conor, but I also wanted to hear your voice.’

  She smiled, happy. ‘It’s lovely to hear you, too.’

  ‘I … Well, what I mean is, I’m looking forward to seeing you. That’s all.’

  She felt the warmth curling inside her chest, and sensed that something that might change everything was on the verge of happening.

  43.

  Louisa rose at dawn with Gwen, who was driving back to Colombo and had decided not to wait for breakfast as she wanted to make an early start. In the silence of the kitchen Louisa brewed her a pot of tea, made up the baby’s bottle, and tucked some bananas into a brown paper bag. After the two had hugged and promised to write, Louisa helped her carry Alice to the car.

  ‘Thank you for coming. And thanks so much for your support,’ Louisa said, and then kissed her friend on the cheek.

  ‘It was absolutely my pleasure. We must meet up in Colombo again.’

  ‘That sounds terrific. Drive carefully.’

  Then Louisa slipped back upstairs and threw open her shutters to gaze out at the pale sky. Maybe the rain would hold off? She quickly washed and dressed and made her way back to the kitchen where Cook was now brewing the first coffee of the day. After a cup or two Louisa ran upstairs to wake Conor, itching to get out of the house before Irene had a chance to ruin things. She touched him gently on the shoulder and he awoke instantly, gazing up at her in surprise.

  ‘It’s a game,’ she said and smiled, feeling hopeful things would go well. ‘I want to see if we can get out on our bikes before anyone else wakes up.’

  She was delighted when he nodded and then dressed silently. That augured well. Maybe her feelings of hopefulness were justified.

  They ate a breakfast of mangoes followed by buffalo-milk curd and honey, after which they went out to the garden to retrieve their bikes, now kept in a small shed. He seemed shy in her presence and she worried he might not really want to cycle with her, but within moments they were out of the garden and on their way.

  ‘Shall we cycle round the ramparts?’ she said, tilting her head upwards to look at the sky. Blue now with just a few wispy clouds and a welcome breeze.

  He still wasn’t saying much but they made their way out of Church Street and cycled along Rampart Street towards the wall where they ended up at the Clock Tower. ‘Can you tell the time?’ she asked him.

  He checked the clock and grinned. ‘It’s half past seven.’

  ‘Well done!’

  They cycled on, then paused to look out across the cricket field just beyond the Main Gate. ‘Do you like cricket?’

  He glanced across at her. ‘I’ve never played.’

  ‘Well, we must see if my father and Leo will teach you. It’s good fun. Your father often used to play.’

  His face darkened.

  ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.’

  He shook his head but didn’t reply, and Louisa hoped she hadn’t put her foot in it, but she couldn’t help feeling it was better to mention Elliot than to avoid speaking of him.

  They cycled past the Main Gate and then out of the Old Gate and on to the Sun Bastion with its gorgeous view of the harbour.

  ‘I know you like boats.’

  He nodded.

  ‘We can go down and look at them properly sometime.’

  ‘Can Leo come too?’ he said.

  ‘Of course.’ They turned, passing the point where they could look up at the New Oriental Hotel, and went on. When they reached Court Square, where the court and various offices surrounded huge banyan trees, they dismounted and wheeled their bikes around it.

  ‘Look,’ he squealed and she glanced at where he was pointing at a green garden lizard. ‘It’s a big one.’

  ‘It is. You like lizards?’

  ‘And birds and insects. I’ve got an insect book. I wish I had it now.’

  ‘Where is it?’

  ‘At your house.’

  ‘Tell you what. I’ll get you a saddlebag so you can take your book with you whenever you’re out on your bike and check out everything you see.’

  He gave her a smile but didn’t speak. She sensed that maybe he felt he’d said too much and was now withdrawing into his shell.

  She spotted a man selling fresh papaya, with or without chilli, from his cart.

  ‘Would you like some?’ she said. ‘Without chilli?’

  He nodded and after she’d bought two slices they went to sit on a bench to watch the vast square coming to life. A few people had arrived and were now standing and looking rather troubled under the shady hanging branches of the banyan trees.

  ‘I think they’re waiting to go to court,’ she said. ‘That’s why they look so nervous.’

  He carried on eating his papaya.

  Louisa was beginning to feel hot and was wondering about cutting short the bike ride.

  ‘Can we go to the beach?’ Conor said. ‘Leo says there’s a beach.’

  ‘It’s just a strip of sand really, not very big, but we could paddle. It’s not far.’

  ‘And swim?’

  ‘We haven’t got our bathers. We can swim another time. Will that do?’

  ‘I want to watch the seabirds.’

  Louisa was amazed at the change in Conor. He was still quiet and she worried about how he was coping with his mother’s death, but despite everything, she had a sense they were making progress. And, as it became easier, she felt less conflicted about him. It seemed the bicycle was doing the trick. They weren’t there yet, but at least they were finding their feet and she was surprised by how much she was enjoying his company.

  As they left the court square they heard a screaming monkey and it made Conor laugh. It filled her with pleasure and provided much-needed hope. She’d give anything to take the child’s pain away.

  Once at Lighthouse Beach they left their bikes leaning against a tree. He was wearing shorts so he only needed to remove his socks and shoes while she rolled up her trousers. They trod carefully to the water’s edge and smelling the salty sea breezes, she pointed at the birds racing up and down the beach between the waves.

  ‘Sanderlings,’ he said. ‘They’re catching crabs and shrimps.’

  He looked at his feet for a moment and she could tell something was wrong.

  ‘What is it?’ she said.

  He hesitated before speaking. ‘My mother took me to the beach.’

  ‘Oh Conor. I am so sorry. Do you want to go back?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘You must miss your mother.’

  He looked so achingly vulnerable as he bit his lip that she felt like scooping him up into her arms. Those spiky feelings of resentment had vanished and she longed to know how to comfort him.

  ‘I like watching the sanderlings,’ he said. ‘They’re so fat.’

  ‘They are, aren’t they? Must catch a lot of crabs.’

  While they paddled in the water, Louisa could see Elliot with startling vividness, almost as if his ghost were walking by her side. Everything about him seemed so solid she felt momentarily ambushed. She could smell his cedar cologne, feel the touch of his hand on the back of her neck. Go away, she whispered, and felt relieved when he faded. The child pocketed a few shells and then they put their shoes back on and continued cycling, only stopping when they reached the lighthouse that topped the Point Utrecht Bastion. ‘It’s very tall, isn’t it?’ she said.

  He gazed up at it. ‘It has to be tall so people can see the light far out at sea.’

  ‘That’s right. Shall we go on along Rampart Street to Flag Rock?’

  They climbed back on their bikes and cycled the short distance. When they came to a halt he stood gazing out to sea before turning to ask her why it was called Flag Rock.

  ‘This is where ships used to be warned of dangerous rocks by signals from the bastion. Sometimes muskets were fired from Pig
eon Island to warn ships too.’

  ‘Are there a lot of rocks?’

  ‘There are, but many of them are submerged so the ships couldn’t see them. Many ships were wrecked around here.’

  ‘Real shipwrecks,’ he said in open admiration.

  She nodded. ‘Lots.’

  ‘Leo told me about shipwrecks. Pirates too.’

  They remained gazing out at the water and listening to the sound of the waves. Despite the blue sky the ocean was now choppy.

  Then they went a little further to the Triton Bastion; the best place to see sunsets, she told him.

  ‘We’re looking at the Indian Ocean,’ she said.

  He seemed impressed. ‘Have you been to India?’

  ‘No, but I’d like to go. What about you?’

  He shook his head and when he spoke it was in a small voice. ‘My mother said we would go.’

  ‘Well, maybe Leo will take you when you’re a bit older.’

  He gazed at his feet. ‘I was angry with my mother.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Because she was ill. I was angry.’

  ‘I’m sure she knew you loved her.’

  He nodded very slowly. ‘Do you think that?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  There was a short silence during which Louisa thought about what he’d said. Poor child. Plagued not only by grief but also guilt. No wonder he didn’t talk much.

  ‘What’s going to happen about school?’ he eventually said.

  ‘Leo hasn’t decided yet so, for now, we don’t need to worry.’

  After that they made their way back via Pedlar Street and then Lighthouse Street to Church Street. Louisa increasingly felt that Conor needed to talk about Zinnia, and though, so far, she had primarily been attempting to keep him occupied, she hoped he would soon feel safe enough to open up. The fact that he had mentioned his mother without being prompted made her feel happier.

  By the time they reached home, it was getting on for midday; the time De Vos wanted to meet with her. Unfortunately, the moment they were through the front door, Irene came sweeping into the hall.

  ‘Where have you been? I’ve been waiting all morning! It really was most inconsiderate, Louisa.’

  ‘We went out for a bike ride, didn’t we, Conor?’

  ‘Well, I have got some especially delicious sweets you might like, young man. You do like sweets?’