e

by Matt Beaumont

  Liam

  Designated Fire Officer

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 11:29am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: EMERGENCY!!

  Simon, unlock your door now. David’s on his way down!!

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 12:05pm

  to: Accounts Department

  cc: David Crutton

  re: good, but not good enough

  Our evacuation time of 3 minutes, 17 seconds was quite outstanding and does the accounts department credit. I am proud to call myself your fire officer. However, we were beaten by an adversary from a most surprising quarter. The Creative Department cleared their work stations and were out of the building in under two minutes.

  Isn’t it great that another department has decided to take up the challenge of achieving fire drill excellence? It can only push us to raise our own standards. I propose weekly training sessions. Then next time those creative johnnies will have a contest on their hands – Nige

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 12:07pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: Naga-fucking-saki!

  You and Vin shouldn’t have buggered off to the pub straight after the drill because you missed a grade-A spectacle. When the alarm rang, Crutton went straight to Horne’s pad. It was locked so he collared one of the firemen and made him pulp the door with his axe! Horne was inside comatose and semi-naked – totally fucked from some celebrity piss-up last night. Hadn’t heard a thing. Didn’t know about the drill, the review, nothing. I’ve seen Crutton lose it before, but this was breathtaking. Horne’s a gibbering wreck now. Susi’s feeding him valium like they’re M&Ms. And Ken Perry just got the elbow for having the front to hold a drill at the same time as Crutton wanted to look at some creative work. The way it’s shaping up, we’ll all be out of work by the end of the day – worth it just to witness Armageddon. Only a few days behind schedule, too.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 12:21pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: deathwish . . .

  . . . do you have one, and have you the faintest idea how close you are to realising it? The only reason you still have a job is that at this moment I have no choice but to keep you on. With business at the critical stage it is right now, even a creative director of stupefying incompetence must be marginally better than none at all. I’m going to lunch. When I return at 3:30 we will hold the Coke review.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 12:42pm

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: crap

  To add to the metaphorical shit that’s been swilling around this office today, we have a surfeit of the real thing in the executive washroom. The toilets are blocked and overflowing. Get maintenance to fix it while I’m at lunch. Failing that, do it yourself.

  Lorraine Pallister – 1/5/00, 12:54pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: crap

  That may be a problem. Since you let Ken Perry go, no one seems to know where the rods and plungers are kept. As for doing it myself, I only deal with the metaphorical stuff. Sorry.

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 12:59pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: thank you

  Darling, you have been an absolute lifesaver this morning.

  You seem to be the only person who truly understands the pressure cooker in which I operate. Thank you for your empathy.

  Could you do me a couple of favours before you pop out for lunch?

  First let my department know that the Coke review will now take place at 3:30, and I expect no tardiness.

  Then have someone from maintenance replace my door. I cannot possibly be expected to do my best work without some sort of protective barrier from the ignorant hordes.

  And when you are out could you nip to the Dickens and Jones perfume counter and get me something smelly for Celine? You know what she wears.

  For some unfathomable reason she would not let me in the house last night.

  lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/5/00, 1:05pm

  to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

  cc:

  re: London calling again

  Where the fuck do I start, girl? There was a fire practice this morning and it turned into WW3 with jokes. Next time I see you, have a bottle of Bacardi handy and I’ll take you through it.

  Then Boss told me to clean out the bogs. He’s a scary fucker, but if he thinks I’m dealing with his floaters he’ll have to pay me a lot more than £8 an hour. Told him to shove his bog brush up his hairy arse. Not those words exactly, but you get the idea. He’s gone to lunch and I reckon I’ll be out of a job when he gets back. Don’t e me here just in case. I’ll let you know.

  Remember, however dull processing mail order gets, at least it’s not a bloody loony bin – Lol

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 1:07pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: Coke review

  This is to inform you that the Coke review due to take place this morning will now happen at 3:30 in Simon’s office. Simon has also asked me to point out that after you let him down so appallingly this morning, he will tolerate no absenteeism.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 1:09pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: thank you

  Si darling, you’re so sweet, but please don’t thank me. After all, if it wasn’t for your strength and wisdom under impossible strain, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. You’ve taught me so much.

  I’ve let the department know about the review. I know you’re too nice to say so yourself, so I’ve also told them you’ll brook no silliness this time. I talked to Ken Perry’s Shanice about the door and she’s trying to order a new one. There may be a problem hanging it, though. Since Ken was sacked no one has the foggiest where the key to the tool locker is . . . Sx

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/5/00, 1:50pm

  to: Shanice Duff

  cc:

  re: front doors

  I have a delegation of clients from the LOVE Channel waiting in the street. They are very cold and extremely wet – especially the two charming topless pool players. The automatic doors are refusing to open. I hazard it is some sort of electrical failure, though since I am not mechanically minded, who knows?

  You must be aware that we are about to shoot a very expensive television commercial for LOVE, and this is hardly the way to imbue them with confidence in our abilities.

  I suppose that in the unforeseen absence of Ken Perry, this falls to you to deal with. I would be very much obliged if this embarrassing situation could be remedied immediately.

  Daniel Westbrooke

  Head of Client Services

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 1:53pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: welcome back

  If you and Vin managed to squeeze past your two LOVE birds (Patsi and Despina – as a major pool fan I’d recognise those cueing arms anywhere), and then make it through the faulty doors, this will be the 2nd e-mail you read after Susi’s about the 3:30. Well, it had to happen but at least I bought you an extra four hours. The Pink Buddha and me have just resurrected that campaign we did for the Abbott Ale pitch last year. Horne will never remember it – off his face when he rejected it. I’m changing the pack shots on the storyboards from beer to Coke. Pinki’s got a problem with the line, “BITTER, MOI?” Doesn’t readily translate to cola.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 2:17pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: welcome back

  We only just got in. Some geezer in a boiler suit had lifted an entire sheet of plate glass from reception and was helping the LOVE babes (who, you will be aware, are only in the agency for a wardrobe session for our exciting TV ad which is about to shoot on the idyllic beaches of Mauritius) totter up a step-ladder and through the gap . . . welcome to Miller Shanks,
at the cutting edge of modern technology.

  Just done five Becks apiece but even so had a blinder on Coke. Surrender to it.

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 2:24pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: stationery requisites

  Anyone who has been having trouble gaining access to the stationery cupboard since the departure of Ken Perry might be interested to know that I have a supply of paper clips in assorted colours and staples in two sizes. Although these are my personal property, I would be glad to help the company through this period of shortage. This is a limited supply, so only the genuinely needy, please.

  Nige

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 2:33pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: deathwish . . .

  David, I must apologise for the way things looked this morning. With the kerfuffle of the drill, I can appreciate how my karmic state of creativity could so easily have been misread for something less productive.

  Bizarre as it might appear, flat on my back in my underpants is invariably the repose in which my finest ideas arrive.

  The artistic process defies rationalisation.

  Legend has it that a personal hero of mine, Bernie Taupin, has reconstructed his father’s potting shed at the end of his garden in Beverly Hills.

  It is in there that he writes all his lyrics.

  When the result is something as ethereally wondrous as “Candle in the Wind” it seems churlish to mock his eccentricity.

  But I digress. I write with the news that the answer to the Coke challenge came to me during my reverie. The indefatigable Susi is printing off the scripts as I type.

  I would love you to have a preview in advance of the 3:30.

  You may, of course, disagree, but I believe it is the advertising idea that the ladies and gentlemen from Atlanta have always deserved but, until now, have never had.

  Si

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 2:38pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: deathwish . . .

  Bring the work up. I sincerely hope it’s as grand as you make out.

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 2:39pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: trousers

  Have you managed to get my trousers dry yet, darling? Sneak them in here, because I need to see David immediately.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 2:40pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: trousers

  They’re still a little moist in the crotch, sweetie, but I think they’ll get you by. I’ll just pop them under the hot air drier in the ladies . . . Sx

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 2:41pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: stationery requisites

  I’m out of blue and yellow but I still have plenty of paper clips in other colours. Come and get them! Nige

  Shanice Duff – 1/5/00, 2:45pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: HELP!

  Hi, Rachel. I’m desperate to talk to you, but no one’s answering your phone. I’ve just got back from a late lunch and found a billion rude messages on my voice and e-mail. As you know, they made Ken leave immediately and now everything’s going wrong. I haven’t a clue what to do and is it true that David’s going to fire me, too, if I don’t fix his toilet personally? Please call me. I’ve got one of my heads coming on.

  lorraine_pallister@millershankslondon.co.uk 1/5/00, 2:55pm

  to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

  cc:

  re: still here

  Debbie, feel free to e me back. Boss loves me – didn’t actually say “sorry” but came close (read attached e – shows you what I’ve got to deal with). Got to tell you what just happened. There’s an arsehole called Horne in charge of the creative department. He just came up with these TV scripts for Coke. He swans in and reads his ideas out to Boss. He’d done these cartoon bubbles and they’re all singing “If you pop, you won’t stop” – thinks it’s the fucking dog’s. Boss points out that it’s a rip off of Pringles Crisps mixed up with something Horne did fifty years ago for Fun Pops or something. Even if it wasn’t, it’d still be shite. Horne gets precious then Boss goes green – he can’t breathe and he’s gripping the table. I thought he was having a fucking heart attack and I’m trying to remember first aid from Girl Guides, but apparently this is what he always does when he loses it. Horne bursts into tears. If he didn’t earn £300,000 I might feel sorry for the git. This is like a normal meeting in Boss’s office. Can’t wait to start on the creative floor. Horne might be a tosser but at least his department are a laugh. I might shag that Bart/Brad guy (alright, his real name’s Liam). He’s sending me these horny e-mails and I’m a sucker for luurve letters . . . Lolx

  ATTACHMENT

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 2:41 pm

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: sorry seems to be the hardest word . . .

  . . . so I won’t say it. However, you may not have had the stiffest of competition, but you remain the most efficient PA I’ve had in some time. My previous e-mail about the washroom was supposed to be ironic – do they have that in Manchester? I just want it fixed. I’m sure a girl as obviously intelligent as yourself will find a way. And bring me tea.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/5/00, 3:10pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: maintenance matters

  As you may be aware, Ken Perry’s unexpected departure has coincided with a number of maintenance problems. I appreciate that it’s like a sauna on the 1st floor, and freezing cold on the 4th, but we are sorting things out as quickly as we can. In the meantime, it’s worth remembering there are people in the world with greater hardships than faulty air con and low toner supplies. A little more common sense and a little less hysteria, please.

  Rachel Stevenson

  Personnel

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 3:13pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc: David Crutton

  re: Mako

  Just a gentle nudge. Don’t forget we’re committed to a Mako review today. You didn’t give me a time and Susi refuses to even pencil anything in your diary. I understand you’re Coking at the moment. (I mean that in the non-narcotic sense of course.) I’m sure you’ll call me as soon as you’re done.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 3:25pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: earlier

  I have gone over and over your work for Coke and still fail to see the difference between your line and Pringles’. I could analyse it at length but, take it from me, it’s utter fucking cack. Besides, even the retards in the mailroom would notice the uncanny resemblance between today’s offering and the Fun Pops nonsense you inflicted on them when they were in pre-school.

  I’ve been summoned to a conference call with Weissmuller, so I won’t be attending the 3:30 review. I hope that in my absence you’ll unearth a diamond for my amazement.

  And just to show you I’m not a total bastard, I still like your Mako work. Maybe you aren’t completely useless.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 3:26pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: REVIEW TIME

  Single file outside Simon’s office. Now, please.

  pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/5/00, 3:33pm (5:33pm local)

  to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

  cc:

  re: earlier

  I am just completed reading your e-mail to your Creating Director. How I am empathising with your predicament. You see, once you are laying eyes on geniusness, as you are with our Coca-Cola idea, then everything else must pale into nothingness. And I must be saying that on a normal day you would surely be loving an idea so brilliant that it is reminding you of the amazing Pringle’s advertisements. Still, my friend, if all this falling out is making you glum
, then why not sing:

  We make fizzy pop,

  And Coke make fizzy pop,

  Put the two together,

  And the fun, it never stop!

  Think happy things – Pertti

  Pinki Fallon – 1/5/00, 4:18pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: free?

  Liam and I have a Mako idea to show you which we think is dead right. We should take it to Simon first, but we’ve just reviewed Coke with him and he’s in a destructive mood, so it probably wouldn’t be useful. We know you’re under heavy pressure, so come down and we’ll put you out of your misery . . .

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 4:19pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: baited breath

  By now you will have finished reviewing Coke and must have sorted the wheat from the bollocks. I’d like to see the winning ideas, given that I’ve just spent the best part of thirty minutes on the phone to NY reassuring them that we’re well on course to bagging this one.

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:24pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: baited breath

  I apologise on behalf of my charges.

  They let me down with some shoddy and poorly conceived work. I am about to order another review for the same time tomorrow.

  I think that, once the pitch is behind us, a major clear-out of this department is warranted.

  I know I have been too soft on them to date.

  Finally, though I hesitate to say so at this juncture, maybe in the calm light of tomorrow morning the merits of the Coke campaign I showed you earlier will be more apparent.

  Si

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 4:26pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: baited breath

  No they bloody won’t.

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 4:27pm

  to: Vince Douglas

  Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: tosser

  For what it’s worth, I reckon your Coke idea was twenty-four carat – “cOKe”! It was staring me in the face – the two most universal words on the planet right there on the bloody can. Horne’s a bigger arse than I thought for dumping it. Mind you, he crapped on everything he saw. Either he wants to lose this pitch or he has an amazing idea of his own – no, forget that last thought (airborne pigs etc.). Got to go. Harriet’s just walked in and she’s smuggling melons. Later.