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Melinda Sheridan – 1/6/00, 9:23am
to: Vince Douglas
Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: nasty medicine
Just a reminder that your appointment for your injections is at 10:30 this morning. Please be there. I’d hate to fly you all the way to Mauritius only to have you wilt mid-take from an attack of malaria. And if either of you little angels is scared of horrid needles, Dr. Chen has a delightful Hungarian nurse to kiss it better. Run along now.
Letitia Hegg / letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk 1/6/00, 9:24am
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: have you been a naughty boy?
Simon, dear, your ears must have been burning last night! What did you do to that young woman with the open toe sandals and Demis Roussos kaftan? She came into Bar Zero in absolute floods. I’d hate to be accused of tittle-tattling, but I couldn’t help overhearing your name mentioned several times in conjunction with that hand gesture. I take it she’s gone and if that is the case, you simply must call me re the most fabulously creative portfolio that has just come my way. The mighty Pallant at Saatchi is keen and I didn’t want to leave you out. You are, after all, one of the great talent spotters of this darling little industry of ours. Call me do – Lettyxxx
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/6/00, 9:33am (11:33am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: personnel changes
I am most distressing to hear that the “hippie dipstick” (quoting of you, 1/3/00) has walkabouted out. And how dare she be disrespectful of your talented and esteemed creation director? But do not be a worrier. I am having my dear friend Benni Hakkinen looking into it. He is a keen student of the veneratable British justice system and has referred to various video tapings of Rumpole of the Bailey and Crown Court. He is assuring me that indeed, if the cleaning person was of listening to this conversation, it is inadmissible in a court of laws as it comes up under hearingsay. So, not to fear.
Let us just be getting on with the job in the hand, which is cracking the Mako presentation on Friday. I am very interesting in hearing your work for this. I am sure I can be providing a fair and objectionable view.
Go for Gold – Pertti.
Nigel Godley – 1/6/00, 9:36am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: Pinki Fallon
Hi Liam, just a little thing. I lent my Garfield Sellotape dispenser to your colleague Ms. Pinki Fallon and I understand that she walked out last night. This business can be cruel. Something awful happened to me yesterday too, so I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Anyway, if you find my dispenser, please can I have it back? It does have sentimental value – office-warming gift from my gran. And maybe you’d like to go for an ale and a moan some time, all chaps together if you know what I mean – Nige.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/6/00, 9:38am
to: Simon Horne
cc: David Crutton
re: what have you done?
I told you the blame for the Mako situation must be laid solely at my feet. Given that I’m normally your pet scapegoat, it amazes me that for once you choose to overlook me. The abusive way you dealt with Pinki is a matter for a separate conversation. Of immediate concern, however, is where her departure leaves us with Mako. You know my feelings on your Reeves & Mortimer scripts. Like it or not, we need her campaign as well as her presence to give it the necessary gloss for presentation. For what it’s worth, I suggest you find some grovelling words of contrition that will bring her back to the office before the end of the day. Friday looms.
Chandra Kapoor – 1/6/00, 9:41am
to: David Crutton
cc: Rachel Stevenson
re: e-mail
I’m sorry about the delay in repairing e-mail but we’ve been up to our necks in virus checks. Then we were waiting for some new diagnostic equipment. We’re shutting down the server today and hopefully then the problem will be solved. Thanks for your patience.
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 9:42am
to: Chandra Kapoor
cc:
re: e-mail
“Hopefully” doesn’t cut it with me.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 9:43am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: are you in there?
Simon darling, the temporary polythene sheet is pulled over your doorway and I can’t work out if you are in or not. I thought I saw movement but I’m not sure. If you are, please can I speak to you? Pinki wants to come in and clear her desk tonight – is this OK and should I have security escort her? David needs to talk to you. So does Harriet. So does Rachel. So does Melinda. And Liam is demanding to see you and he’s being very uncouth about it . . . Sx
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 9:50am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
bcc: Harriet Greenbaum
re: Pinki
I happen to agree with Harriet. While I couldn’t really give a fuck about our (ex-?) copywriter’s trampled pride, an obsequious apology is the only practical course of action. Harriet merely suggested this. I am mandating it.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 9:53am
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
bcc: Rachel Stevenson
re: today
Since you left early yesterday with a “headache,” it has been chaos and I have had to cope alone. I hope you are better this morning. When you finally arrive, see me as I have lots I need to delegate – I have to be here for Simon right now.
Incidentally, when you start with David on Monday, perhaps you should warn him that you are prone to “headaches.” Have you thought about glasses? I’m just looking out for you, Zoë. I want you to succeed in your new position. And maybe you and I should have a chat about the wardrobe of an executive PA? I don’t mind at all. – Susi.
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 9:56am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: problems
• The executive washroom remains an open sewer.
• My air conditioning has broken and my office is an igloo.
• The new carpet tiles in reception are lifting.
• The automatic doors nearly ripped the back out of my jacket when I arrived today.
• My temp has spent thirty minutes searching the building for a working fax machine.
Don’t we have a man who deals with these things?
Melinda Sheridan – 1/6/00, 10:03am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: Very Worried of Television
At the Atlantic last night my friend congratulated me on clinching Quentin T. for Kimbelle – she goes out with a suit from Miramax so she should know. Why won’t this go away? Do tell your Auntie Melinda.
James Gregory – 1/6/00, 10:07am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: early warning
I think we’re running into trouble on Kimbelle. As you know, I don’t think the client was happy with me caretaking this account until you appoint a new senior account director. Now she’s going mad because we’re behind schedule on presenting the new Super Dri work – she was expecting it before Christmas. I’ve talked to Pinki and Liam and they’re up to their necks on Mako. They reckon they’re at least a week away from cracking it. Brett and Vince are on the brief as well, but have only had it a couple of days and they fly off to shoot LOVE at the weekend. I’m sorry to bother you with this but our client might need some soothing from the senior end of account management. What do you think?
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:12am
to: James Gregory
cc:
re: early warning
If you had the faintest idea just how busy I am with both Coca-Cola and preparations for the LOVE shoot then surely you would not bother me with this. At your last assessment I distinctly remember you assuring me that you were more than ready to seize r
esponsibility. I venture that if you cannot field the routine threats of your client then you are less equipped for seniority than you would have me believe. Now, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:15am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: problem areas
Rachel, the very high standards of which this company is rightly proud have taken a tumble. From the front door to the gate in the basement car park, the place seems to be falling apart. I am not one to throw around my title willy-nilly, but if we do not knuckle down and sort out this mess, then rank will have to be pulled.
On a more personal note, I know you are recruiting a permanent replacement for Carla, but can I inject a sense of urgency into the process? The temp you have given me is way below the quality that a Head of Client Services has a right to expect.
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 10:20am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: I am here
I have been at my desk for nigh on two hours trying to sort things out in my mind.
I am quite happy to solve all of Miller Shanks’s problems.
I do, though, require a little space.
Please keep everyone away from me. And bring decaff and Valium.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 10:27am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: bloody hell
Where the hell are you? Susi the Stick Insect says you’re getting your injections but this is the day you and Vin absolutely-fucking-positively have to be here. Something happened last night. Not Pinki being fired/resigning. Much bigger.
I’ll take you through it slowly. After Pinki left BZ and you guys fucked off to score, Lol told me her fantasy. I’ll spare you the pervier details but it involved a pair of sturdy bulldog clips, my head between her legs and the two acres of Malaysian teak forest that is Crutton’s desk.
The Best Bit: By 11 I had her splayed out on DC’s desk and she was well up for it (I’m a bloody animal, I tell you). We reached a natural break, so I suggested a quick toot and popped down to the 2nd to get my emergency stash of Medellin’s Finest.
The Even Better Best Bit: I passed Horne’s office and I heard him in there. I thought I should have a blast at him on Pinki’s behalf – I owe her that much, and anyway it was a chance to increase my recovery time between shags. I stuck my head in and saw him bent over his coffee table. He was humping away at a tiny Asian chick. She was biting down hard on his Mulberry blotter (so would you if you had Horne making a rear entry).
The Mother of All Best Bits: I’m looking at her trying to work out where I’ve seen her and then it hits me. Her card’s in phone boxes all over W1. The one that says “NEW ARRIVAL . . . GENUINE THAI LADYBOY.” Asian Babe is hung like a horse – well, more like a dinky Shetland pony. I made a break before he spotted me but only to grab Mel’s digicam.
Our glorious leader, revered throughout the advertising village, devoted husband and doting father, is now the subject of a fly-on-the-wall doc. It premieres in my office the moment you get in. If you’re nice about it I’ll tell you where Lol’s tattoo is and the noise she makes when she comes.
Liam O’Keefe
Sleaze Correspondent
PS: Got any magic fairy dust? I’m fresh out.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 10:33am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
bcc: Shanice Duff
re: problem areas
Daniel, thank you for highlighting the current admin problems. You are right to be concerned. Since Ken Perry’s unplanned departure the situation has become intolerable, and finding a temporary office manager to take over his responsibilities is proving impossible.
I believe I have a solution. I think I could persuade Ken to return to his job provided someone could coax David into allowing him back.
If you agree with my suggestion, you might want to have a quiet word with him. It would be worth pointing out that in twenty-two years of service Ken had an unblemished record. His only mistake was to hold a legally required fire drill at a time inconvenient to David’s schedule – more misjudgement than hanging offence.
I appreciate that you are not one to flaunt your status. But I do think that only someone of your seniority and with your obvious diplomatic skills could have this delicate conversation. What do you think?
Of course, as soon as we solve this I can devote all my time to finding you a new PA of the appropriate quality and stature.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 10:36am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: knickers, emerald green, medium
If I can discreetly retrieve them from accounts, fancy losing them again tonight?
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 10:46am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: gold star
You earn a brownie point for the suggestion you left on my voice-mail regarding Perry. Reinstate him with my blessing. Which wanker fired him anyway? I dare you to answer that correctly.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 10:48am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
bcc: David Crutton
re: Ken Perry
Rachel, thank you for pointing out Ken Perry’s impeccable work record to me earlier. It is something that was overlooked completely when he was de-hired yesterday. I must accept full responsibility for this careless administrative error.
Could you please see to it that Ken is offered his old job back immediately with an apology made on behalf of the company. A small pay-raise (say 3k?) may also be in order. Please take this from my departmental budget.
Daniel Westbrooke
Head of Client Services
Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 10:59am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: Ken Perry
He says make it 5k and a parking space and he’ll be at his desk tomorrow.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 11:08am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Ken Perry
If that is the price for an office that functions, so be it. Can I take it that my reward will appear in the form of a high-quality permanent secretary to greet me upon my return from babysitting my client in Mauritius?
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:14am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: refreshment
Could you be a darling and fetch a large pot of caffeinated coffee right away? I am now ready to deal with the hordes.
Then get Pinki on the phone.
And have Liam see me in fifteen minutes. He is due a severe dressing down apropos Mako.
You are a treasure.
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:18am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: a good day’s work.
I am happy to report that my morning has been spent most constructively.
Firstly, you should not be surprised that a grovelling Pinki has phoned repeatedly.
I have given much thought as to the effect that her reappointment might have on the morale of my department.
I have also considered her slanderous accusations.
In the spirit of forgiveness, I have decided to grant her one more chance.
I believe she will return chastened and with a more corporate esprit.
Secondly, my mind has been focussed on the kind of problem you brought me here to solve – namely, Coca-Cola.
I am making serious inroads.
By early tomorrow, if not the end of today, I will be in a position to show you work which will rewrite the advertising lexicon.
Of course, you must decide for yourself whether I have succeeded, but I have every confidence.
Si
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:20am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Pinki Fallon
Please be informed that Pinki will ret
urn to work this afternoon.
Could you make a note for your own records, as well as instruct the necessary people in accounts, that her salary will increase by £20,000.
Back-dated to October last.
Si
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/6/00, 11:23am
to: letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk
cc:
re: a storm in a cup of Darjeeling
Letty, darling, you were so right to let me know of last night’s shenanigans. Thank you for guarding my back as ever. However, it was no more than tears before bedtime.
Pinki is here this morning and is the proverbial busy bee in my creative hive.
Nevertheless, rosy as the garden undoubtedly is, I feel an injection of fresh blooms is called for.
I would love to pop along to your nook in the mews to peruse that Italian folio you praise so highly as well as any others you think might charm.
Perhaps you have some unexposed young buds of talent, fresh from college and eager to be propagated by my green fingers?
And since there is no time like the present, may I suggest you uncork a bottle of that luscious Merlot.
I will materialise at the lunching hour.
Your dearest friend,
Si
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:28am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: our mutual friend
Whatever Pinki has told you about the events of yesterday, I would like you to know that I was fully prepared to give her Mako work a fair hearing. And, despite her unbecoming shrewishness, my magnanimity has, as usual, got the better of me.
She will be returning to work this afternoon.
As for Mako, it comes down to a shoot-out between mine and Pinki’s ideas.
I am confident that personal feeling will not interfere and the best will win.
Si
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 11:31am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: Liam
He’s on his way now.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 11:35am
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
bcc: Rachel Stevenson
re: YOU ARE VERY, VERY LATE
What time do you call this? We will have that chat at lunchtime.