As I said, Simon’s re-emergence was not good news.
You may ask what our client thinks of the rewrite. With his press debut tomorrow and a marriage to save tonight he is way beyond worrying about his advertising. We could shoot the next Bond movie and I don’t imagine he’d notice.
There is good news. It’s Karaoke Night in the Lagoon Bar. After a pink-gin gargle my larynx will be primed for my duet with Simon – Donny and Marie’s “Morning Side of the Mountain.”
Yours resigned to her fate,
Mel
[email protected] 1/12/00, 4:53pm (8:53pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: LOVE
Do me a favour and inform David that we are out of the mire apropos Ivana Trump. I mustered all my charm and did a number on her. She was eating out of my hand.
I ask no thanks – just tell him to worry no longer.
I would inform him myself only I am up to my neck in a mess of Brett, Vince and Nathan’s making. Their incompetence means I now have to rewrite the script from scratch.
Thank Heaven I am here.
Have a root through the files for some scripts I penned for the abortive Safeway pitch. (Last June?) When you find them, fax them immediately.
I think with a little judicious tinkering one of them will fit the LOVE bill just perfectly.
Do not ask me to explain.
The mind of the lateral thinker is a complex beast!
Susi Judge-Davis, 1/12/00, 4:58pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: LOVE
Simon has just asked me to pass on the excellent news that he has smoothed over the Ivana Trump situation. He’s sorry he couldn’t tell you himself but as usual he’s inundated with work – Susi
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/12/00, 5:10pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: LOVE
Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I have stepped out of my video-conference with Jim and have only just found Zoë’s Post-it telling me to see you. It was a useful meeting – it’s a pity you couldn’t join us. I’ll be right up. I have a report from Mel. I’ve yet to read it but I’ll print it out and we can go through it together.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:27pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: LOVE
I’ve been through your report with David. Well done on at least getting the charges dropped. As far as I know Pinki is looking at Freedom ideas as I write. I will brief her immediately on the “change of direction.” As for Simon strutting his stuff, I think David wants to take care of that one himself. It would be an idea if you faxed me Brett and Vince’s revised script, so we can have an opinion at this end. And as for what will be in the papers tomorrow, there is little more you can do out there. Try not to worry and we’ll handle the damage limitation as best we can.
Focus on getting in a good shooting day tomorrow, though quite what you’ll film is subject to conjecture at the moment. Keep your e-mail open, order cocoa and prepare for a long night. We will advise.
Keep smiling. It’s only a job after all. And if it’s any consolation, I’ve got my own problems here. David is being very touchy with me for having the temerity to hold a meeting with Weissmuller, the One True God, all by myself.
David Crutton – 1/12/00, 5:28pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: are you totally fucking brain-dead?
Why didn’t you tell me that Harriet’s undisturbable meeting earlier was with Jim Weissmuller? You will have the following tattooed on your forehead in reverse letters so that it is clearly legible every time you look in a mirror:
NOBODY EVER TALKS TO WEISSMULLER WITHOUT DAVID’S KNOWLEDGE.
This is what you might call a golden rule.
David Crutton – 1/12/00, 5:33pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: LOVE
Fantastic news, Susi. Tell Simon he’s a star and I don’t know where I’d be without him. I know that his modesty prevented him from telling me himself of his coup with the Trump woman. I’m glad you let me know, otherwise I’d have fallen for that devious old trout Melinda’s line that it was all her own work. And tell him that I’m pleased he’s rescuing the LOVE script. Ask him to fax me Brett and Vince’s feeble effort, along with his own. I’m in need of light relief and it could provide useful ammo if and when we come to “let them go.”
[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:36pm (12:36pm local)
to: [email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
My unreserved respect and admiration to all three of you – not only for an outstanding Coca-Cola campaign that will surely put us in pole for the pitch, but also for finding two incredible talents in Harriet Greenbaum and Pinki Fallon to lead the agency’s effort. I have spent a delightful and instructive hour in video-conference with them. I am sure that you are reassured to know that should the unthinkable happen and the three of you were to step under one of your famous red buses, you have such worthy replacements in the wings.
Well done, gentlemen.
Jim
[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:42pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: hoorah!
David’s e’d me and he’s so, so thrilled with you! He can’t believe how well you handled Ivana Trump. I knew you could do it – you have such a way with celebrities! And guess what! Melinda has been sneaking behind your back trying to steal the credit. The cow! I never wanted to say anything because it’s not in my nature to judge, but I always had her down as two-faced. I should trust my instincts more often. And David says to send through Brett and Vince’s stupid script. He wants to see for himself how rubbish they are! I knew that all you needed was a rest and you’d be able to turn everything around. Well done, my hero . . . Sx
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/12/00, 5:47pm
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: Freedom
I know you’re in the midst of reviewing this, but something has happened that necessitates tearing up the work and starting again. Call and I’ll explain.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/12/00, 5:49pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: pull your socks up
I’ve just talked David out of issuing you with a written warning as to your conduct. It was only your recent bereavement that saved you. He questioned your competence for the job and cited a number of instances where he felt you let him down. He is particularly angry that you failed to inform him of a conference call with James Weissmuller this afternoon. Common sense alone should tell you that anything to do with the world-wide president must always take top priority.
I know that David can be a tricky boss but I don’t think you are helping yourself. You must concentrate more.
It’s not all bad. Normally he skips the written warnings and goes straight to firing, so he must have a soft spot for you. You’ve got a real chance to make amends now. Seize it with both hands.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 5:55pm (9:55pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to see Harriet receiving recognition at last. When she joined a couple of years ago, few people rated her but I saw the spark of something a little special. I must say that David had reservations about my protégée’s ability to manage Coke in my unavoidable absence. I am glad I talked him round. Fostering talent is part and parcel of a Head of Client Service’s job, so thanks are not necessary. Inner satisfaction is its own reward.
My very
warmest regards and I look forward to seeing you on Sunday, jetlag permitting.
Daniel
[email protected] 1/12/00, 6:09pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
Thank you for your e-mail. I hope you don’t mind if I take it as something of a personal endorsement.
As you know, I am a great believer in giving talent its head, however untried. I took the decision to award Harriet and Pinki the extra responsibility against the advice of some of my colleagues.
I am glad that for once I did not allow consensus to rule and trusted my judgement.
Roll on Sunday. I have taken the liberty of booking us into the Sugar Club for dinner. A certain Ms. Ciccone is a regular on her sojourns in London, so it is New-Yorker friendly!
Best wishes,
David
[email protected] 1/12/00, 6:14pm (10:14pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Coke
Jim, your e-mail gave me an undeniable frisson of pleasure.
If I may be immodest for a moment, I have always prided myself on my ability to spot talent.
I found Pinki working in a dead-end agency and decided to give her a shot at the big time.
She has more than repaid my faith.
When I had the Coke idea last week I knew there was nobody else I could trust with it.
To the creative person, one’s ideas are one’s babies and it can be hard to let go.
Yet I knew she would seek my counsel at every stage of the campaign’s gestation. While I have had to apply a few gentle nudges to the steering wheel she has never lost sight of the integrity of my idea.
I am so thrilled for her that I am no longer the only one to appreciate her flair and strength of purpose.
I look forward to introducing her to you personally when you fly in from la Pomme Grande.
Fond wishes,
Simon Horne
[email protected] 1/12/00, 6:20pm (10:20pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES
Your phone is off the hook but we must talk. I am presuming that you have read Jim’s e-mail. I did not become Head of Client Services by not being able to smell a plot. I am in my room awaiting your immediate response.
Zoë Clarke – 1/12/00, 6:27pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: that fucking, fucking bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve spent the last god knows how long sobbing in the loo!!!!!!! Rachel told me that David wants to fire me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve bent over backwards all week trying to please him and I just don’t know what to do any more! I need a drink!!!!!! Take me to Bar Zero!!!!!!
[email protected] 1/12/00, 6:33pm (10:33pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES
I am applying a final coat of gloss to the new LOVE script.
Join me in my suite in fifteen minutes.
I will uncork the malt.
You are quite right, we need to talk.
Lorraine Pallister – 1/12/00, 6:36pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: that fucking, fucking bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was supposed to be going to the flicks with Liam but he’s blown me out. He’s fucked off to the Sun to wait for the First Edition. Sad or what? Dry your eyes and call by my desk in five.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 6:43pm (10:43pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: stand by
I am about to fax you the new LOVE script along with Brett and Vince’s excuse for an idea. Rush both to David immediately and ask him to respond urgently with his blessing. It’s late and I need to brief the director on what he will be shooting tomorrow.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 7:07pm
to: [email protected]
cc: [email protected]
re: LOVE
I have read your new work. I know time is of the essence so I will come straight to the point.
Your script is crap.
It was crap six months ago when it was a Safeway idea.
Sadly, it has not aged like a good wine. It is still crap.
Besides, though I am neither copywriter nor producer, even I can tell you that what you have written is not achievable given the limited time and resources you have. Where, for instance, are you going to find a trained pig in the middle of the Indian Ocean? And do GI uniforms grow on the palm trees out there?
Shoot Brett and Vince’s idea. It is simple and ingenious. More importantly, it made me laugh.
Who knows, if you give in gracefully and keep your trap shut, they might even make you look good.
By the way, if you’re wondering why I have copied Mel on this, I’m simply ensuring that there are no “breakdowns in communication,” and that you don’t return with The Dirty Dozen meets Babe.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 7:32pm (11:32pm local)
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: praise be!!
God sayeth, “I have sorely tested the scallywags, Vincent and Brett, with pestilence and plague, yet still they are not smited down.” And God was pleased with them.
Then did God turn to His handmaiden Melinda and sayeth, “Visit Vincent and Brett in the still of the night. Tell unto them that Horne is indeed the slime-oozing viper that crawls the earth on its belly and that he shall kisseth their arses. Bring unto them the glad tidings that they shall make their script into a film that shall be broadcast across the whole land.”
And the film came to pass. And it was ripe with the quivering breast, the perky nipple and the saucy butt shot. And all the people of the land rejoiced and proclaimeth, “That Brett and that Vincent – diamond geezers.”
Yes, mate, we got a fucking result. We’re gonna wake Nathan now and tell him to get his shooting pants on. We’ve got a movie to maketh.
David Crutton – 1/12/00, 7:38pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: what the papers say
I’m going for a curry. If you are still here, you might like to join me and stay on to see Max Gregory and a copy of the Sun. At least that way I have you in my sights and know you are not sneaking off to confer with Weissmuller.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/12/00, 7:42pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: what the papers say
I am with Pinki at the moment trying to shoehorn Ivana Trump into the Freedom creative strategy, so I’ll sit out the vindaloo.
I’m afraid Trump’s mature and affluent profile offers a less-than-perfect fit with the 16–24 target that Freedom are chasing. This afternoon Pinki approved a campaign featuring Jenny McCarthy and a Nine Inch Nails’ track, which puts our problem into perspective.
I’ll see you when you come back.
[email protected] 1/12/00, 11:59pm
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: Sun
It’s every bit as bad as we feared. They’ve made us all look shallow, conniving and driven by lust – in short, like we work in advertising. Brett and Vince come out especially badly. I’d suggest to them that they might like to seek the advice of counsel.
The worst thing was seeing Jeremy Paxman holding up the front page at the end of Newsnight. That supercilious smirk is all very well until he applies it to you.
There is nothing more you can do, save keeping lips zipped and getting on with the job in hand. I’ll fax the story through to you first thing. Until then,
sweet dreams.
Thursday, January 13th
[email protected] 1/13/00, 1:42am
to: [email protected]
cc:
re: READ ALL ABOUT IT!
I’ve cabbed like fuck back from the Sun to get this story to you but it’s too big to fax and the scanner’s down so can’t e it. So I’ve reproduced the highlights using all the keyboard skills at my disposal. Enjoy your fifteen mins:
SCORCHING SUN EXCLUSIVE
IVANA BE ALONE
By HARRY SALTER in Mauritius and KEENAN WILKIE in London
The paradise island of Mauritius was rocked yesterday when Ivana Trump, the former wife of Donald Trump, the American property tycoon and presidential hopeful, was the victim of an unprovoked sex attack in front of dozens of witnesses.
The exotic blonde was holidaying at the island’s exclusive le Touessrok Hotel. Her peace and quiet was shattered when Frank Sinton, a top executive at the LOVE Channel, the cable porn station, crept up from behind and made his move.
Boob
Maureen Pearson, a British tourist who eyewitnessed the attack, said: “It was disgusting. The poor woman was lying on the beach minding her own business when the slimeball just lunged. He tried to grab her boob, plain as day.” Mrs. Pearson, who owns a beauty salon in Wigan, had her camera handy and her pictures (on pages 2, 3, 4 and 5) show the sordid assault in full.
The balding Sinton claimed the charges were trumped up and said: “It was a harmless prank. I thought she was someone else and that’s all there is to it. F*** off and leave me alone.”
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