Urban Diaries

by Jackson, Sexcee

  Yesterday she paid him the last of what she owed and finally got her papers. No more sharing the bathroom with 9 other people, no more stepping over bodies, and fighting over bread slices or clean sheets with others in her same situation. These days were soon to be over now since she would begin receiving welfare. She went out on the balcony of the apartment and stared at the projects and its surroundings. It was not luxurious but it was a million times better than the Guatemalan village she left behind.

  She grabbed for the cross around her neck, closed her eyes, and thanked God for all her blessings just like Sweets had taught her.

  Apt. 703

  Angela Sweets sat down at her table after preparing her breakfast and morning coffee. Her salt and pepper hair pulled into a perfect bun glistened as the sun shone through her kitchen window. She clasped her hands together and prayed.

  “Dear heavenly father, thank you for this food I’m about to receive for the nourishment of my body. Thank you for waking me up out my bed this morning with a sound mind and body to do your will. Oh Lord, watch over the children in these projects we live in. Watch over the poor child in 201. Lord, she needs your guidance. And have mercy on her mother and the others like her in 213. Lord, I ask that you send your blessings down to Old Man Ezra and his four grandbabies; they need a blessing that only you can give oh Lord. Thank You Jesus for helping my Latino sister next door! She told me that prayer really works and I just want to rejoice in your namesake. Hallelujah!! Lord I ask that you run the devil out of the A-building!! Have mercy on my son Jayson heavenly father for he knows better, but chooses otherwise. Let the spirit of your love send those demons right on out of his heart! Oh Lord I have faith that you can heal all things and I believe that with your power that all the world’s troubles will come to past. These things I ask in Jesus name, thank God, Amen.”

  Apt. A- 104

  “Damn!” he thought. “Yesterday the cops, today, this nigga.” He tried hard not to look back but knowing that a shotgun could put a hole in his ass the size of a grapefruit, he couldn’t help it. This was his boy, his best friend, and he was running for his life because his best friend was trying to kill him. He was exhausted but he knew the moment he stopped, meant the end of his life.

  As he ran pass the corner liquor store, he knew he was slowing down because he heard his enemy getting closer. Passed the dollar store, across Century Blvd during rush hour traffic, dodging cars, SUV’s, and 18 wheelers, passed McDonald’s, the watermelon man, the furniture store, and Woody’s Bar-B-Q Shack, he darts into projects parking lot, high tailing it with his enemy still behind him. Sweating and panting as hard his medium built body would allow, he ran into the A building hoping that his enemy didn’t see where he went.

  He climbed the stairs 2 at a time and jumped over the railing as flawless as a Super Hero. Quickly past the janitor’s closet and through the open washroom, he jumped inside of a dryer hoping he was not seen.

  Sean was tired and angry. He couldn’t believe that his best friend was sexing his sister. She was way underage and that fool gets plenty of hos on a daily basis, why he had to fuck his baby sister was a mystery to him. But he was not going to let it ride. He saw Jayson run into the A-building but he disappeared into thin air by the time Sean had made it inside.

  Frustrated, Sean stopped looking for him. He figured he’d show up sooner or later. He went to A-104 and knocked on the door twice, paused and then knocked once real hard. Tookie came to open the door and almost jumped out his skin when he seen how big Sean’s gun was.

  “Nigga you walking around in broad daylight with that? You ain’t in Iraq, fool!” Tookie said snatching it from him. “Gimmie this. You little niggas always trying to show yo ass! Tookie took the gun and placed it in a corner of the apartment.

  Sean said nothing. He sat on the couch frustrated, confused, and tired while Tookie went back to the table cutting and bagging cocaine rocks to sale. Then suddenly, a knock at the door made both men run to the corner for the gun. Sean got to the gun first but Tookie, who was obviously older and stronger, snatched it out of his hands. “Nigga, I don’t know who pissed you off, but I don’t need One Time up in my shit cause you blasted somebody for knocking on the door. I got it.”

  Sean looked at Tookie like he wanted to cry. He had always looked up to him, for Tookie had taken him and Jayson and showed them how to hustle. And even though he was highly upset and wanted nothing more than to blow Jayson’s brain all over the A-Building hallways, he knew that Tookie was right.

  “Who is it?” Tookie asked as the knocking became more vigorous.

  “It’s me Took”, a woman’s voice answered back.

  Tookie sat the gun back down in the corner and walked over to the door. “Who the hell is that?” Sean inquired, but Tookie knew exactly who it was. He went to the door, opened it, grabbed the woman by her hair, slung her inside the apartment and slammed the door.

  “What the FUCK you doing here?” Tookie hollered as he hemmed the woman up against the wall. “Didn’t I tell yo ass not to come here no more?”

  Sean waited for Tookie to move his large frame so that he could see who the woman was. Then Tookie raised his large hand and smacked the woman across her face and she whimpered but she did not move. “What time is it?” she asked in a whispered voice.

  “Lovely?” Sean inquired. “Baby girl, what you doing here?” he asked, voice quivering because he knew it was none of his business but he hated to see men put their hands on women, including Tookie, even though he idolized him.

  Tookie grabbed her by her arm practically twisting it off and flung her on the couch where she landed right next to Sean. Sean stared at Tookie intently who in return stared at Lovely, who fumbled around in her pocket looking for her piece-a-watch. When she noticed Sean’s watch, she grabbed his arm and looked at it and then looked up at Tookie liked she suddenly came to the realization of time, space, and purpose.

  “I saw baby twin”, she managed to say. “I saw him close up. He looks just like you.”

  Sean got up and walked into the kitchen politely excusing himself. Tookie walked over toward the window and Lovely followed him saying, “You know that $20 you gave me the last time I was here? I gave it to him. I heard Daddy’s having it rough, so I gave it to my baby and told him to give to Daddy.” There was silence between them. Tookie started to say something but Lovely cut him off. “

  I didn’t kill my baby, Terrance. You know I didn’t kill my baby.”

  “Bitch they found the baby in the oven. You tried to cook my baby!” Tookie shouted.

  “You know that’s not true” Lovely said calmly. “You took the kids and told me you’d be back in an hour. You told me to watch the oven cause you had some weed you was drying out. When they came and raided the house and found Deanna in the oven, I was just as surprised as they were. It’s been 4 years. It’s time.”

  There was a long silence and neither of them made eye contact. Finally, Lovely spit out, “What happened to my baby Terrance?” Tookie reached in his pocket and pulled out a knot of bills. He slowly peeled off five, crisp $100“Here”, he said as he handed her the wad of cash. “Just stay away from me”, he said coldly.

  Lovely threw the money on the ground and said, “That’s not what I came here for. I don’t want your money. When I needed you and your money while they were taking my kids away from me, while I was fighting for custody against my parents, while I fought for my sanity, you abandoned me. You think you can just pay me off like you do everybody else in these projects? Fuck you, Tookie! You know what happened to my baby and you won’t tell me and until you do, I’mma make sure I come see yo punk ass everyday.”

  Tookie was so furious by her statements that he balled up his fist and one could see the anger penetrating his body as he threw himself on top of her and attacked her furiously. They tussled and scrambled about the apartment as he managed to land blows all over her tiny frame. Suddenly Sean, who was in the bedroom listening, came out and pulled Lovely free from
Tookie’s crab-like grip.

  Sean looked at Tookie bravely and said, “I’mma walk her home, man.” He grabbed Lovely’s hand and walked out of the apartment. Lovely, bleeding slightly at the corner of her mouth, wiped the blood away and reached in her pocket feeling for her watch. Once she found it, she pulled it out and said to Sean, “It’s time.”

  He didn’t know why but he answered her with, “I know.”

  Tookie stood by the window and watched Sean and Lovely cross the project streets over to the 200 building. He stared at 213, their destination which he could see from his window and wondered how he would ever rid himself of the guilt he felt over what happened that day. Lovely was right. He was the only one that knew what happened to her baby and out of all the dirt he did, the shootings, the robberies, the lying, blackmailing, and pushing major weight, none of it mattered. Baby Deanna’s death was one secret that he was sure to take with him to his grave, no matter how much Lovely begged for the truth.

  He stared intently at 213 and thought about all the good times he and Lovely shared there, the parties, the food, the money, the sex, watching “The Wire” and laughing like the high school sweethearts they were at McNulty’s crazy antics. Damn. At that moment, he realized that he was still in love with her and that he missed her. She was one, fine, ass woman back then and he saw glimpses of that Lovely every time he saw her walking around the hood asking folks for the time. All those model looking chicks, video hos, stripper bitches, even a school teacher or two, and none of them compared to Lovely. She was his first love, hell, his only love but he would never admit that to anyone cause now she was a crazy cracked out bitch, at least thats what everybody thought.

  Tookie knew better though. He was a big shot caller, player in the dope game, pushing major weight, and making mad loot, and he had an unspeakable bond with a woman he loved who happened to be addicted to cocaine. How would people look at him if they knew the truth? That he was in love with a crack head? The one thing he loved more than the power and money that came with being a drug dealer was the respect and admitting to being in love with Lovely would have evaporated all he’d worked for into thin air to the point of not existing at all. Crack head? Yes. Crazy? He laughed at the thought and how she really had her performance down to a science.

  Everything was fucked up that day. The money count was off, the product was booty, and 5-0 was hot. He remembered losing it, going FEDS complaining about how shit was all wrong and how he had no idea how to fix it. Lovely held him close to her bosom and rubbed his bald-head. She was the only person in the world that knew that always calmed him down. He then reached in his pocket and grabbed some samples that he got from some new dudes who wanted to do business from the East side. He and Lovely decided to test it together and that’s when a fucked up day went from SHIT to SHIT-FIRE.

  Lovely said the samples were “chest-bust” and it didn’t get her high. Upon hearing this, Tookie let his ego get the best of him and he decided to lie to her in agreement, knowing full well that he felt like his heart was going to explode. He had never been so high and nauseated in all his life, but he couldn’t let her see how fucked up he was, especially when she wasn’t even high at all. He felt like he was dying and he needed air, so he walked outside to his truck. He stood by the truck for 15 minutes, just stuck on stupid, staring blankly at nothing in particular. Lovely noticed and tried to get him to come back in the house, but before he could say anything, the kids ran upon him and jumped in the truck begging to go wherever he was going. He told Lovely that he would be back in an hour and to watch the Chronic he had drying out in the oven. She agreed but the look on her face screamed uncertainty. She knew in her gut that he was high and out of his mind, but because she loved him with every fiber of her being, she trusted his judgment.

  Tookie got in the truck, put on his seatbelt and sat there for what seemed like forever before he realized that he was too fucked up to even pretend any more. The restless kids jumped out of the truck and ran to the project playground leaving Tookie in the truck, clutching his chest, blinking furiously at himself in the rear view. He was babbling incoherent nonsense, nodding his head to the Young Jeezy CD that blared through his speakers. After a few hours, Tookie finally went back to the apartment where Lovely was asleep in the bedroom with the twins Deanna and Donte. Then he got a text from Sean saying that the word on the street is that the police were coming to raid. They were at the office in the front of the projects and he had about 15 minutes to get the hell out of there.

  He wasn’t tripping at first because he never kept anything there but then he remembered the Chronic in the oven. He panicked. Being high, Tookie had a tendency to become 10 times more paranoid then usual, so to be high, paranoid and panicky, he completely lost it. All he remembered was grabbing the weed out the oven and stuffing it in one of the baby’s car seats. Using one of the baby’s blankets doused in bleach, he started cleaning the oven to get rid of the Chronic smell while singing, “It's ya' boy, Mr. 17-5, I take it back to the block, back to the kitchen, back to the pots” over and over and over. When he was finished, Tookie climbed out of the back window and ran off before the police even knocked on the front door, surprising Lovely and scaring the shit out of her at the same time.

  Tookie fought back tears remembering that he was so high, he picked up Deanna with those blankets and was scrubbing the oven with the baby and blankets together. He struggled to keep the tears from flowing as he remembered hearing about how Lovely screamed to the top of her lungs when they found Deanna’s limp body and SHE was accused of killing her when she had been sleep the whole time. He shook his head in disgust at how he let it all go down just to save his ass from going back to prison.

  Lovely’s life was completely destroyed after that day all because she never told a soul about Tookie’s addiction. She never spoke out and said how he was acting all weird that day after they smoked the “chest-bust” together. She never said a word about how she was sleep and woke up stunned and traumatized to see Deanna’s dead corpse in the oven. She allowed Tookie to keep his image while hers became tainted and ruined forever.

  Tookie had been clean from that day forward and Lovely became lost in her addiction, but crazy she was not. She was doing nothing more than performing, always asking everybody “What time is it?” He knew it was an act. It was one that kept her out of jail on an insanity plea, but it also kept him from being exposed. She still loved him despite everything she lost. She could annihilate him with what she knew but she never implicated him. Never. Not even now. “She’s amazing”, he thought. He walked back over to the table and finished chopping his rocks.

  Apt. A-106

  As Sean and Lovely reached the gate of 213, he looked at her face and saw a bruise that instantly took him back to a time when his own mother was being beaten by some new boyfriend and he cried feverishly for him to stop. Lovely, in her soft spoken voice, said, “Sean?”

  “I know” Sean cut her off. “I know. It’s time.”

  Lovely grabbed Sean’s wrist and looked at his watch. He slid a nice, fat rock in her hand and she smiled. “Something for your troubles”, Sean said. She looked at the rock like a foreign object, as if it was something she had never seen before. She handed it back to Sean and said, “No more. I think it’s time that I get clean.” She thanked him and began walking to her boarded up door.

  Sean returned to the A-Building just as Jayson was slipping into Cerise’s, apartment A 106. Sean saw him and for a moment, just for a moment, he didn’t know whether he should go in there and bum-rush Cerise’s apartment and choke him out, or wait, grab his gun and bust a cap in his ass like he really wanted. He decided on the latter.

  Inside A-106, Cerise grabbed the bundle of synthetic hair from off of the table, separated and pulled a piece away from the bundle. She popped her gum as she proceeded to intertwine the fake hair with her client’s real hair. Jayson came over to the table where she was and stared at the new braid she was plating down. “He tryna kill me for
fucking Tammy”, he said.

  Cerise acted as if he she didn’t hear him and picked up the bundle of hair and separated another piece for the next braid. “Did you hear what I said?” Jayson hollered. Then there was a knock at the door. Cerise laid down the hair, went to the door and looked through the peep hole. There was a small girl, with pigtails and a big toothy grin. Cerise opened the door, smiled at her, and said, “Hey Robin. What you need little one?”

  Robin looked up in the sky trying hard to remember what her mother told her. Then as the light came on in her head, she remembered, “Chili cheese Fritos and an orange soda.”

  “That’s $1.50,” Cerise said as she welcomed the little girl inside. Cerise then went over to the stove and stirred the chili. She opened a bag of Fritos and scooped a big spoon of chili out of the pot and into the bag. She then sprinkled some cheese on top and handed them to the little girl with some napkins and a plastic fork. She opened the refrigerator and gave Robin the orange soda she requested. She smiled at Robin and grabbed a pack of M&Ms off the shelf stacked full of candies and goodies. “She placed the M&M’s in Robin’s sweater pocket and said, “I heard that you made the honor roll. Keep it up sweetie. Stay in them books, ok?”

  “OK”, Robin giggled. The child left and Cerise went back to braiding her client’s hair. Cerise picked up where she left off and began twisting and platting neatly and quickly when Jayson grabbed her hands and looked at her intensely. “He’s YOUR best friend,” Cerise stammered taken aback by Jayson’s sudden gesture. “You already know how Sean is. That’s my baby daddy and all but I swear he loves his sister more than he loves his own seed. So what do you expect me to do? We haven’t talked in 2 years and we live right next door to each other. Shit, I can’t help you. I’m barely helping my damn self. I just got my candy house back together and I’m braiding as many heads as I can to take care of my business. I don’t bother him and he don’t bother me and I like it like that. But you already know the story. Why you came here looking for help, I don’t EVEN know.”