And was that fair?
But then he remembered what Piers had said when Mads had gotten drunk after first learning that Gill was terminal. Who said life was meant to be fair?
Really. Who had? He knew it wasn’t. But he wasn’t too sure that Iona was going to want to spend the rest of her life with a man who would only let her into his bed and could only offer her affection and nothing more.
He also realized he couldn’t ask her to do that. Because he wanted more for her. He wanted her to find that kind of deep and abiding love that he’d shared with Gill. That love that had dominated every aspect of their life until her illness had taken over.
And he knew then that the only gift he could give her this Christmas was to let her go. To let her find someone who she could build the family she craved with.
She tipped her head to the side, giving him a quizzical look, but he couldn’t say anything, not right now.
“Dance with me,” he said, holding out his hand.
The DJ was playing a version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” with Idina Menzel and Michael Bublé. She took his hand and he led her to the dance floor, pulling her into his arms and swinging her around.
She placed one hand on his shoulder and he held her other one.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“As okay as I can be,” he admitted.
She started to say something else but he just put his mouth over hers as much to taste her kiss again as to stem the questions he didn’t want to answer. He was taking this night for himself. To tuck away with the other memories that he used to keep himself company on the long lonely nights. This night and then he’d let her go. Let her go back to her life and her Christmassy spirit of joy and hopefulness.
The song changed to the “Christmas Waltz” and he was grateful to hold her for a few more seconds. The rest of the evening went by too quickly and since Jessie wasn’t expecting him until morning he felt greedy when he asked her to join him in the Presidential Suite for the rest of the evening.
“I’d love to.”
***
Iona was buzzing from the Manhattans she’d drunk and from dancing with Mads. She could tell that something was bothering him, but each time she tried to talk to him he’d pulled her into his arms or distracted her with something. But now they were alone.
The Presidential Suite was large and luxurious. Bigger than some apartments, she’d imagine. She’d taken her heels off when they entered the hotel room. And the carpet felt plush and soft under her feet. She walked toward the plate glass windows, which offered a view of the city skyline. Mads had texted Jessie to make sure that Sofia was okay and Iona walked over to look out at the city. Snow had fallen earlier and she could see the white blanket on the grassy areas below. She put her forehead on the glass and took a minute to enjoy how peaceful Manhattan looked tonight.
She heard Mads behind her before she felt the heat from his body and his hand on the back of her neck. He ran his finger along the top strand of pearls on her choker. His finger was warm and his touch light, but a shiver went down her spine at his touch. It had been too long since she’d been in his arms.
She knew that it had been her decision, but she’d missed him.
She had wanted to be sure that this wasn’t just a Christmas fling. Her instant reaction to being alone, but the last few weeks had convinced her that what she felt for Mads was real and tonight, meeting his friends and work colleagues, had demonstrated to her that she meant something to him too. More than one of the spouses of the board members had remarked to her how happy Mads seemed.
She was so glad to see that he was coming out of his grief. Moving forward. With her.
She turned her head to look at him and he arched one eyebrow at her as he drew his forefinger down her back towards the band at the top of her dress. He ran his fingertip along the edge where fabric and skin met. Another shiver went through her as he slowly moved his touch towards her side where the zipper was nestled under her arm. She lifted her arm slightly to allow him access, but instead of lowering it he simply ran his finger over it, brushing the side of her breast, which made the tip tighten and then he put his open palm on her butt, caressing the full curve before slowly bringing his touch up the other side of her body.
Shivering with longing and need she tried to turn to face him, but he put one hand on the small of her back, keeping her facing away from him.
She felt the warm exhalation of his breath before she felt the brush of his lips at the base of her neck, just under the bottom strand of pearls. One of his arms came around her waist and he drew her back against his body. She put her hand over his wrist to hold on to him. Realizing she still wore her gloves, she reached up to take it off and he helped her. Then he lowered the zipper at the side of her dress and stepped back.
The velvet dress had stays in the bodice and she delicately stepped out of it, standing in front of him wearing just her panties and pearls.
His pupils were dilated and she saw the flush of arousal on his skin. He reached out to touch her, drawing his hand slowly over the curves of her body, before lifting her up in his arms and carrying her to the bed. He set her down on it, undoing his pants and freeing his erection. She shifted around, pushing her panties down her legs and kicking them off and then opening her arms to beckon him to her.
Taking her hips in his hands, he drew her forward until her backside was on the edge of the bed and then he leaned over her, brushing his shirt front over her aroused nipples as his mouth found hers. She felt him between her legs, just the tip of him and then he pushed in deeper and she opened her eyes and saw he was watching her and she felt her heart skip a beat. The combination of desire, tenderness, and affection made her realize that she’d found the home she’d been searching for in Mads. He thrust deeper into her and passion drove out all her thoughts.
She held on to him as if she’d never let him go. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he thrust faster and deeper into her, arching off the bed as she called his name, holding onto him as he continued to thrust inside of her until he collapsed, rolling to his side and holding her to him.
She ran her fingers over his chest, trying to catch her breath, lifted her head to look at him, but he kissed her again, shifting them both on the bed until she was cuddled close to his side.
“This has been the best night of my life,” she whispered, kissing the pad of his chest over his heart.
“Mine too,” he admitted, running his hand through her hair and pulling the pins from it until the long strands fell on her shoulders and he drew a few of the strands over her shoulder.
She looked up at him and caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes, worried that he might be remembering his past, but then he made love to her again, more tenderly this time, and she fell into an exhausted sleep dreaming of herself and Mads and Sofia walking in a winter wonderland.
Chapter 20
It was the Friday before Christmas and Iona hadn’t heard from Mads since the party at the Common two days earlier. He’d made love to her and then the next morning she’d woke up alone in the Presidential Suite. He’d left a note on the nightstand saying he had an early meeting and he’d be in touch soon.
But every time she texted him she got back a smiley face or a message saying he was busy. Sofia was staying at the Common visiting her maternal grandparents who’d come out from the West Coast to see her for a few days, but Iona knew she was meant to be back later on this evening and she was tired of waiting to hear from Mads. So she’d been reduced to waiting by her own front door, listening for the sound of footfalls in the hallway.
She heard the elevator ping and opened the door just as Mads stepped out of the car. He saw her and she suspected he’d wanted to turn and go back downstairs. Mainly because she saw the way he half-turned.
“Mads. We need to talk,” she said.
He glanced at his watch.
“I don’t care how busy you are. I think you can give me five minutes of your time.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. A gesture she knew he did when he was feeling a little bit stressed and she steeled herself from feeling sorry for him. He was avoiding her. He’d made love to her like she was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and then he’d ghosted out of her life. And she’d done it herself a time or two, so she knew what he was doing.
“Iona, please could this wait? I have to go and get Sofia and her grandparents and take them to the airport.”
“I know that. Which is why I thought it would have been nice to speak earlier this week, but you have been avoiding me.”
“Let’s get out of the hall so we can talk,” he said.
There was a flatness to his voice that she’d never heard before and she had the feeling that whatever it was she’d thought the other night meant it hadn’t meant the same thing to him at all.
She stepped back into her apartment and he followed her in. She heard him close the door, but she kept walking down the hall to her living room. She propped her hip on the edge of the love seat as Mads followed her into the room. He still had his coat on and she noticed there were snowflakes on his shoulders. But the thought of a white Christmas didn’t lift her spirits.
“What is going on?” she asked. “I thought we had a really great time the other night.”
“We did have a nice time,” he said flatly. “But that’s all it was.”
“Stop. I’m not going to buy that.”
“What do you want from me?” he asked.
“Just tell me what’s going on.”
Mads looked down at the floor and then looked back up at her. “I can’t love you the way you want to be loved, Iona. There is a part of me that always thought that one day I’d meet another woman and I’d be able to settle into a marriage and life with her as much for companionship for myself and a mother figure for Sofia. But meeting you has shown me how wrong I was.”
Iona felt a weight like a stone in the pit of her stomach. “What do you mean? I love Sofia and you and I get along really well together.”
“We do. But it won’t last. I can’t let myself fall for you, Iona. There is a part of me that is afraid that as soon as I do something will happen to you. And that’s not fair to you or to Sofia. She already loves you and I don’t want to see her hurt when you realize I can’t love you.”
“What?” she said again. Not comprehending how he could think that she’d ever abandoned his daughter. It was easier to focus on that than the fact that he said he couldn’t love her. She didn’t want to allow herself to let those words sink in, they made him seem icier than she’d thought he was.
Had she simply seen something she had wanted to see instead of the truth? “I would never hurt Sofia. Already I love her like she was a daughter to me. She’s sweet and funny and she wants so badly to see some sign of the magic in the world around her. She is starting to see it in Christmas but she’d never want to disappoint you.”
“And I don’t want to disappoint her,” Mads said. “I know you wouldn’t want to hurt her …”
“Stop. It sounds to me like you are using Sofia as the reason why we can’t be together. I’m not going to hurt her. Even if you walk out of here and say you never want to see me again, I’ll always be a friend to your daughter.”
***
He knew that Iona would be there for Sofia. That was the kind of woman she was, which made this so much harder. He had never felt anything like this for another person, not even Gill, and that scared him more than spending the rest of his life alone. No matter how bad he felt at this moment, it was better to have a clean break and walk away now.
“It’s not an excuse,” he said, then knew he was going to have to make it clear he was ending things. Iona was still arguing with him like she could change his mind. And maybe she could change his mind, but his heart had already decided it couldn’t take the risk of loving her. “You forget that we’d never intended to start dating. We kind of drifted together. And I’ll always be grateful for it, but this is it.”
Her eyes widened and color swept up her neck and she crossed her arms over her chest. “What is wrong with you? We slept together. And you might want to pretend now that it meant nothing to you but I remember the first time, when you cried. When I held you and we both were more vulnerable than we’d ever allowed ourselves to be before that.”
He cursed. He saw the shock on her face as she stepped back from him. “I can’t do this, Iona. I’m not going to risk falling in love with you and starting to plan a life, only to have it ripped away from me. And I’m not like you, I don’t believe in Santa or any of the other fairy tales you like to spout. Real life hurts and it’s not fair and it can take someone who has nothing left to lose and show him something so perfect and good just to rip it away from him. I can’t do it.
“Mads, I can. I’m willing to take the risk,” she said.
“I’m not. This is it. This is goodbye. There isn’t anything you can say that will convince me otherwise.”
“You’re a coward,” she said. “I never thought that I’d say that to you because I’ve seen you with your daughter and I know what you’ve been through. But I can’t help it.”
“Fine. Call me names if it makes you feel better. You’ve never watched someone you love slip away slowly over the course of three years. You haven’t prayed and begged God for a miracle or comforted your child because she won’t know her mother growing up. I’ve been strong for longer than anyone ever should be expected to be.”
He stalked over to her. Looked down into her eyes and saw them filling with tears. And knew that this was something he wouldn’t want to remember, but suspected that her face would haunt him for the rest of his life.
“But I did it. And I promised myself never again. I didn’t think it was possible that I could care for anyone again. So that part was easy at first. But meeting you was unexpected. It jarred me.”
“That’s what you needed,” she said, through her tears. “I know you think that this is one-sided, but it’s not. We both were broken. I think we have something special here.”
“Maybe it was what I needed. But I can’t let myself give in to my emotions again. It’s hard enough worrying about Sofia. I can’t even let her fly anywhere.”
“Fine. I’ll take whatever you can give me,” she said, crossing the room and reaching for him. “I love you, Mads.”
His heart took a punch. He hadn’t been expecting that. He stepped back from her, knowing that if she touched him he’d give in now only to hurt her later. “I can’t do that to you. You have told me about the men in your past. How you’ve always been the one to fix them so they can find love and I want to do that for you. I want to be the man who makes it so you can find your happy ending.”
“I don’t think it works that way,” she said.
“I have to believe it can,” he said. “Because I want you to find a man who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
She shook her head. There was an aura around her that he’d never seen before and he wondered what was going through her head. He was doing this for her. For both of them. He admitted he couldn’t risk losing her. Risk loving her and then losing her. He wasn’t doing that again.
“The heart doesn’t work that way,” she said quietly.
“In time it will feel different,” he said. “Good bye, Iona.”
He forced himself to turn and walk to the door because he knew he had to leave. And there was a part of him that wanted her to convince him to stay. A part of him that wanted to believe her when she said that whatever he could give would be enough. He knew that wasn’t true. It wouldn’t be good enough for him and he’d hate himself for ruining her feisty spirit and innocent belief in the world.
He opened the door to the hallway, aware that she’d stayed in the living room and let himself out of her apartment. He walked further down to his own apartment and let himself inside. It was empty and quiet since Jessie was on vacation until January and Sofia was at the Comm
on with her grandparents. Mads took no comfort from it. He’d done what he had to do in order to protect her and some day he might be able to feel good about it, but right now he just felt hollow and empty inside.
***
Iona took the pint of Minty Wonderland ice cream out of the freezer and went back into her living room. Last night she’d been okay, but this morning the break-up hit her hard. She’d made a run to the nearest bodega and loaded up on junk food. So far, she’d decimated two packages of Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes and had been watching It’s A Wonderful Life on repeat, since that was the one movie that made her cry like nothing else. And she was crying anyway.
Her mom was at one of her charities and Iona had refused to call her away from that. But she really could use her mom. So she’d texted her to stop by if she had a minute and that had led to a phone call, more crying and her mom’s promise she’d be by later today.
Her front door opened after a perfunctory knock.
“Io?” Cici called. “You’re mom called us. We came as soon as we could.”
“Where are you?” Hayley called out.
She heard the jingle of Lucy’s collar and the cooing of baby Holly as her friends came into the living room. Iona tried to sit up on the couch but she had piled the pillows behind her back and it was awkward. The ice cream slipped from her hand onto her lap.
“You’re a mess,” Hayley said, scooping up the ice cream and putting it on the coffee table before pulling her into a tight bear hug.
“Why are you watching this sob fest?” Cici asked, putting baby Holly’s carrier on the floor before coming over to hug her too.
“I was crying anyway,” she said.
“Are you cried-out?”
She shook her head.
That just made her cry a little bit more. She didn’t understand his reasons for breaking up with her but she knew they were valid in his eyes. Cici located the remote and turned off the television, just as an angel was getting his wings.
Christmas at the Candied Apple Café Page 18