AMAZING HEART (Broken Bottles Series Book 4)

by Pamela Taeuffer

  "You take cream, don't you?"

  "A teaspoon, please." Her voice jerked me into the moment. I watched as she stirred and lightened the hot liquid, circling and mixing, creating the look of an entirely different drink when she was through. I felt as if I were that drink—no matter how I appeared outwardly, inside, I was dark.

  "Let's sit on the sofa." She put the set on a tray and placed it on the coffee table as we sat down. "From all you've said, plus what Darrell has told me, it seems that Ryan loves you. The problem," she sighed and stirred her tea. "Babe, you're playing in a world in which you shouldn't dabble. First love is tender, Nick. It's like being on a high where everything is blue sky and roses, while you dance in the clouds. Conversely, it's also deep, disturbing, and full of earthquakes."

  "You're right," I sipped my tea. "I've experienced so many of them and we've only dated for a month or so."

  "Everything affects you. You doubt yourself constantly and overanalyze the meanings of what he said and did. Those emotions and vulnerable feelings should be out of the public eye. I know you're in deep. At your age though, to be exclusive with anyone?" She shook her head. "It just isn't right. Those doubts of 'Is he really seeing her' and 'Are the rumors true,' they aren't meant for an inexperienced woman. Not when it involves a man like Ryan."

  "I told him I wasn't ready." I reached for my tea again but my hand shook so badly I couldn't hold the cup. Alex took it from me and steadied it on the table.

  "You're not the average Suzie Q who's going to any college—this is Stanford. Your guy isn't Joe Smith—he's a professional athlete who's in the limelight because he excels in a way that few do. What do you really know except that your heart is aching?"

  "I know a lot about him." I assured her. "You'd be surprised at the things he's shared with me."

  "What you need and deserve, is to discover life with people your age, not with a twenty-five-year-old man. I understand why he's attracted to you and loves you. Shit, who wouldn't be with your big innocent eyes and brilliant ideas?"

  "I haven't done anything brilliant, Alex. Why do you say that?"

  "You're a witch!" she laughed.

  "What?" I chuckled a little in between my sniffling. Was I entering into the first moments of clarity after my heartbreak and perhaps beginning the baby steps of recovery?

  "You're an enchantress! The way you love us, immerse us in your life, the hope you have—you're a magnet, Nick. Your sweet innocence and loyalty, the way you put your friends first . . . don't you see who you are by now?"

  All I see is that I can't make relationships last. I'm an expert at causing misery.

  "No." I'd always doubted my strengths and trusted the weaknesses. "I can't see it. My sister asked me the same thing, but all I see is that I'm closed and a lot of trouble."

  "Your glorious radiance is what put Tara and me under your spell. It comes from your body, through your eyes, your smile, and your embrace . . . do you know I've never been hugged the way you hug me? It's full, complete, and tells me I have a friend who loves me. Ryan sees you that way, too. He's reaching back through you to when he was a boy again for his innocence. Because you make him feel innocent. And who can blame him? Shit, you make me feel like I'm new, Nick. You make a person feel like they're in a daydream sometimes."

  "I don't get it, Alex."

  "It's like you have fairy dust." She rubbed her fingers together as if sprinkling magic powder all around us. "You're like fuckin' Tinkerbelle or something."

  “I uh . . . don't know what to say."

  "There's nothing to say, Nick. It's the way you are. I want you to listen carefully; really listen to me. Nothing is wrong with sex. If it's between two consenting adults, then everything is fair game. My only hesitation . . ."

  "Is?"

  "The first serious relationship you dare to have is with Ryan? It doesn't fit." She picked up her delicate teacup and saucer. "You're such a private person and you're throwing yourself into a social realm that isn't easy. Not easy at all. Hang on."

  Her cell phone rang.

  "It's Darrell. Sorry, I won't be long."

  I took the opportunity to freshen up and when I returned to the living room they talking sexy and saying goodbye.

  "Kissy poo?" I teased.

  "A little sexy nighty night," she giggled. "You okay?"

  "Yeah, just put some water on my face. Continue where you left off; if you remember."

  "Let's see . . . oh yeah. The public stuff. If only you had some experience or you were a little older, I'd say go for it. Even then it's tough to be with an athlete. Sometimes it's not easy for me, honey. And I get hit on all the time. Women are everywhere for these guys. I mean e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e."

  That's what I've been telling him—he needs someone his age.

  "Oh Fuckin’ A. I sound just like your mother, I'll bet." Alex took a sip of the tea and set it down again. "Why does that happen? I never wanted to sound like that. Drink your tea, Nick."

  She had me. I laughed because of the way she ordered me to drink my tea while making a point to say she didn't want to sound like a bossy parent. For a moment, it was as if we were friends having a get-together rather than she consoling her Sad Sack of a buddy.

  "I'm such a hypocrite," she mused. "Here I told you I had an experience with a guy eighteen years older than me when I was your age. The thing is, he wasn't my first—or second, or third!"

  "God, Alex." I laughed and wiped my eyes with my shirt, half in despair, half amused.

  "I'm so sorry." She pushed my hair over my shoulder. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but you'll get over him. Your heart hurts; your stomach is in a knot, and it's so huge that you don't think you'll ever recover." She patted my leg. "But you will."

  "Do you know if he still sees Jesse?" I asked sniffling.

  "I . . . um," she paused, perhaps considering if she should go any further. "I don't know if I should say this. Crap. Here goes. Sometimes she traveled with him."

  "So, yes, then?" I had hoped to hear her confirm it so I could begin letting him go.

  "I'm not sure, Nick. I haven't seen her with him this year. Well, I take that back. I haven't seen her since May. He wasn't exclusive with her. Honestly? I never pay that much attention. Darrell and Matt don't hang with Ryan. He's usually with the single guys or the ones . . . well, you know."

  "The ones that play around?" I asked the obvious question.

  She nodded.

  "Look at this." I showed her Jesse's text.

  "Oh, that's disgusting," Alex's face scrunched as she read it. "Obviously, she has no self-respect. I'm sorry you had to see something like that."

  "Apparently, she has plenty of respect for herself, or at least a pair of very big balls to write all that. Who does this at her age? What did I ever do to her?"

  "I don't know, Nick, she's—"

  "What?" I was frantic and needed to hear something positive. I pressed her immediately.

  "I don't believe her," she said. "It doesn't make sense. Before you, Ryan was with multiple women. Jesus, Nick—I never saw him with the same woman twice, except—"

  "Jesse."

  "A few others, but yes, mostly with Jesse."

  "Doesn't that say it all? He was finding himself. I helped him get there."

  "Although I'd love to push you away from him, I'm not convinced what happened with his ex is real. Did he commit to you like you did to him?"

  "He's begged me to commit. He said he's waited for me since last year. One day after I turned eighteen he made a point to tell me that he'd stop seeing other women and he'd made good on his promise from the end-of-the-year party."

  "What happened at that party?" she looked suspicious.

  "He took my hands in his and told me he'd see me on my birthday and lay everything out. He told me to save my heart for him and not to let a high school boy fool me into thinking they loved me. We volunteered several times together at the Veteran's Hospital in Yountville, I told you that, and he said he couldn't any longer be
cause it was too much temptation."

  "Oh shit."

  "Yeah. I know. Why do all that just to cheat?"

  "Not sure I . . . I just haven't seen athletes—well, any man his age, who can do that, quite frankly." She looked at the ceiling and back at me. "Guess he might be one in a million, but in my mind? He can't hold back all that testosterone. He's playing a man's sport and he's with men all day. What do you think they talk about?"

  Oh yuck, this is just what Mom said.

  "Sports." I knew better. I didn't want to face the reality. I wanted Alex to sympathize and tell me everything I wanted to hear—even if it wasn't true. "I know what it is."

  "Pussy." She wouldn't let it remain unsaid.

  I turned away. Like Ryan had done many times, she turned my face so I looked at her.

  "They're men. Physical, bulging, pulsing, oversexed men playing sports. And in their off time? They're working out or having sex with their wives, girlfriend or boyfriend, or anyone they find attractive and vice versa. Their bodies are on sexual overload. As a man moves through his twenties, his hormones pump continuously. They're alpha males. A part of that—a big part—is being physical. That means competition and sex—lots of sex. You know how women wait for those guys, and . . . oh fuck; I'll just say it. Guys your age are still masturbating if they're not having the real thing. They're just as happy to jack off and get their orgasm because they're not experienced yet."

  "I'm not stupid, Alex, but I don't get your point."

  "I can just about guarantee Ryan doesn't need to jerk off. A man like him, like Darrell and Matt, too, they're not satisfied with masturbation. Ryan can snap his finger and get a buffet of options, one for a blow job and two for pussy."

  "God, do you have to—"

  "I'm saying point blank, he's got plenty of options, doll."

  "Oh."

  Does she mean Ryan can't wait for me, because no matter how much his mind wants him to, his body won't let him?

  Were men really that weak?

  Or was it only because they didn't try?

  Was there too much temptation to even consider being faithful?

  "Do you think Jesse is one of those options?" I asked quietly.

  "Oh, Sweetheart. You're looking at me with your sad eyes and I don't want to let you down, but . . ."

  "You go on your modeling assignments and Darrell is on the road. Do you mean he can't hold out, either? You seem to trust him, he seems to trusts you . . . you're both in your twenties. So how do you guys make it work?"

  "Darrell and I have sex when we're together. You're not having sex with Ryan even when he's home."

  "Yeah." Just that quickly I felt like Ryan had faded from my life. It was if the vision of him was disappearing right in front of me.

  "Can't you let him go?" She took my hand in hers.

  "I never told you this, but . . ." I shared what he was trying to do for my sister and father and told her about Half Moon Bay. Her expression softened.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I shouldn't have said those things."

  "No. You're right. I need to face that I've been dreaming about a man who exists only in books. It's just . . . this is so contrary to the Ryan I know. We opened up to each other in so many ways and the things he's shared with me were so intimate. I still can't believe he'd cheat on me when I'd just told him I loved him. And I can't believe he's with her. He promised me." Tears launched into a downpour. "I know that's juvenile. I was so sure he was a man of his word."

  I felt like one of her delicate teacups, but instead of beautiful, I was chipped and ready to break apart.

  Alex held me until I finally wound down. It was a little before dawn when we started up the stairs to go to sleep. We cuddled together, my arm over her shoulder; her foot touching mine, my body tucked into her back and legs.

  She brought me to her photo shoot the next afternoon. The location was an hour away at a winery outside of the little town of Healdsburg. It was the perfect example of the Sonoma County Wine Country, with beautiful vineyards and a creek that meandered through the valley. Ben, Alex's photographer, asked me to run errands for him and it helped take my mind off Ryan. It lasted the day, and after the shoot we were treated to a catered dinner, where I collected several business cards.

  In the morning I woke up alone. I opened my eyes slowly, lying in the thick blankets and comforter. I imagined having a future that included the luxurious conditions of my friend's home. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I noticed the note on the side table. Alex had written that she'd been called for an assignment in Las Vegas and invited me to relax at her place as long as I wanted.

  It wasn't a problem enjoying the stylish condo she and Darrell called home. I sat up slowly, hugged the covers to my neck, swung my legs over the side of the bed, and finally padded into the bathroom. I drew a bath in their sunken tub. Once filled to the brim, I slipped in and relaxed in the warm water, hoping it would help to take away everything that existed in the outside world.

  My phone beeped with messages and calls from Ryan. I ignored them, hoping to stay in a make believe place a little longer before facing the real one that waited for me.

  "Jenise?"

  When my sister called, I couldn’t ignore it. Half-drunk from the soothing water, I picked up the phone.

  I really didn't want to leave Alex's apartment.

  Instead, I'd planed to sit at her make up table and try on all the colors and shades, spray her perfume, check out her closet, and cook in her kitchen.

  Jenise wanted to have lunch with me at The Cliff House.

  I couldn't say no.

  Chapter 16

  Reconnecting

  The minute I saw my sister, I started crying. With each new person the details of Ryan and Jesse seemed to take a new turn, and some previously undiscovered sadness rose to the surface. She embraced me as tightly as she ever had, almost holding me up while letting me sob as I sunk into her body.

  "Okay, Sis," she petted. "Tell me all about it."

  "Two?" the host approached us with a smile.

  My sister nodded. We were quickly ushered to one of the window tables, probably to remove the spectacle of a brokenhearted crybaby. As soon as we were seated, I spilled every detail. Jenise offered logical, soothing responses. I stabbed hopelessly at my salad. I couldn't eat.

  He's even tainted my special place—the Cliff House. Is there no escape? No, Nick. You're doing this. You're choosing this.

  "Well," Jenise rested a finger on her cheek. "What I keep going back to? It's hard for me to believe Ryan would go straight to Jesse right after you proclaimed your love out loud for him. He's been waiting for weeks to hear the words and . . . wouldn't he look like an idiot to his teammates? Matt and Darrell would have told Tara and Alex, wouldn't they? You won't know until you talk it over."

  "Yeah . . ." I played with my napkin.

  "Oh no." She glared at me. I could tell she knew I'd let fear control my decision. "What did you do?"

  "I told him that he was dead to me." Saying the words out loud with sadness rather than anger made the severity of what I'd done even worse. "I hung up on him."

  "Fuck me, Nick. Why do you keep doing that shit?"

  "It just came out." I dipped a crouton in some blue cheese dressing. "I couldn't stop myself. All I feared was the possibility hearing how sex with Jesse meant nothing."

  "At this point you don't know what's true. He asked you to wait an hour and he'd get back to you after he talked with her, right?" She pointed a finger at me. "Quit cutting people off until you've talked it through."

  "I know." I looked out to the churning waves just beyond the thick floor-to-ceiling window and flattened my palm on it as if to steady myself. "My mind plays out all these horrible scenarios, my anxiety shoots through the roof . . . her text was terrible, Jenise. Here. Let me show you." I watched her face contort with disgust.

  "Yeah. That's . . . well, fuck it." She handed me my phone. "Screw all these needy guys. Let's dress up and
go out. We can pretend we’re roomies looking for a new apartment and prowl around like we're going to take down this city."

  "What about Sean?" I admired the way she handled her life with Sean, allowing for time with friends and also with me.

  "My sissy needs me right now," she squeezed my hand. "Let’s check out Pinnacle and Avalon luxury apartments. We can walk around the Financial District and . . . hey, I'll show you where City Architecture is! Maybe we can sneak in the lobby and I can get a glimpse at the CEO. We’ll dress up—femme fatale!”

  I've already had a glimpse of the CEO. Trust me, you don't want to be in his office.

  "Femme fatale. You crack me up." I took her hand and kissed it. "Thanks for rescuing me. I could put on that St. John's business suit I got from LA. Ooh! I think Caden Blockley designed Pinnacle. Maybe you'll run into him and you can make a quick pitch for your project."

  "How do you know what Caden Blockley designed?"

  "I saw his projects at City Architecture." I was so happy to share the day with Jenise that I'd forgotten about keeping my visit with him a secret.

  "What were you doing there?" She crossed her arms.

  Oh crap. She's not supposed to know I went there a few weeks ago when I checked on Ryan's contacts. She knows who he is and that he's directly involved with the internship program. What do I say to cover up my slip?

  "He's," I cleared my throat. "Oh shit. I might as well be honest. Ryan knows him."

  "When did you meet him?"

  "That day I went to see Dad's supervisor, Mr. Freeman. Right after my appointment at Municipality I went to City Architecture. After I sung the Anthem last month when Ryan was on our front porch? He told me he knew people who could help my family if I'd give him a try. Remember I told you he was trying to help with Dad's pension?"

  "I wonder if that's what he means . . . God, I don't even want to hope," she chewed a nail.