Touch Me

by Jacquie D'Alessandro

  She squeezed her eyes shut. A viscount. Just another nasty jolt in a morning filled with them. First, thinking he would die. Then, realizing she loved him. Then, the muscle-loosening relief when he regained consciousness, followed by the foolish hope that maybe, somehow, they wouldn’t have to say goodbye. That perhaps he’d come to care for her as she cared for him.

  Finally, she’d listened to his admissions. All those lies. The heartbreak. The numbness. The disintegration of dreams she’d barely had time to acknowledge before they were snatched away. As much as she hated that he’d lied to her, she couldn’t deny his reasons were valid. He didn’t know her. Didn’t know he could trust her. He’d done what was necessary to stop a killer—the man who’d murdered Richard—to save himself and other people.

  The thought that he’d seduced her to gain access to her home, to the letter, filled her with a combination of hurt and fury that had made it hard to draw a breath. But his assurances that what may have started out that way had turned into something more…her heart had latched on to that, rekindling a spark of hope that his earlier words had extinguished.

  So what had she done? Like a fool, she’d begun to hope again. Hope that they could, somehow, find a way to be together; build a life together. Her imagination had taken flight, weaving a happy ending that involved the two of them, standing before the vicar, taking vows to love and cherish. Genevieve Ralston, anonymous author, and Simon Cooper, operative for the Crown.

  Except he wasn’t Simon Cooper.

  A huff of humorless air blew past her lips, fogging the window. A viscount. Viscount. That single word had popped the happy bubble she’d stupidly allowed to form in her mind. How had she made the same mistake again? How had she fallen in love with another man she couldn’t have?

  The sound of the door closing pulled her from her thoughts and she turned to discover she was alone with Simon. He rose from the settee and walked toward her. A snowy bandage encircled his head. An image of him on the floor, bleeding, flashed through her mind, and she blinked several times to dispel it.

  He stopped when an arm’s length separated them. “The doctor says I can travel. I’ll be leaving for London as soon as my transportation is arranged.”

  “I understand.” And she did. She just wished it didn’t hurt so damnably bad.

  “I have to go, Genevieve. It is my duty. I have to report to my superiors, give the letter to our decoders—”

  “You don’t have to explain any further, my lord. I know you have to go.”

  He frowned and moved closer, and it took all her strength not to back away, to stand her ground when all she wanted to do was run to her bedchamber, lock herself in and pretend that today had never happened. To pretend that he was a simple steward and she was just a woman in love.

  But she stood her ground, even when he reached out and clasped her hands. His gaze searched hers and she forced herself not to look away. Why shouldn’t she look her fill? It was the last time she would ever see him.

  “It’s Simon, not ‘my lord,’” he said quietly. “I want you to know that this time I spent with you has been unforgettable.”

  She offered him a small smile. “I won’t forget you, either…Simon.” As much as she wished otherwise.

  There was no missing the relief that filled his gaze, then his eyes turned serious. “Genevieve. I want to see you again. I don’t want this to be goodbye.”

  Her stomach dropped to her toes with longing—and profound regret. She slipped her hands from his and shook her head. “I’m afraid this cannot be anything other than goodbye. I’ve been a nobleman’s mistress, and it’s an arrangement I’ve no desire to repeat.” Indeed she’d vowed never to be another rich man’s plaything, to be tossed aside when he tired of her. And given Simon’s position in society, that’s all she could ever be to him. “Continuing our physical relationship might satisfy us both for a short time, but let’s not pretend it would last for long. My life is here, yours is in London and with your work. Eventually you’ll need to marry and produce an heir, and I’ve no desire to share my lover with another woman, even if that woman is his wife. So I’m afraid that this has to be goodbye.” She drew a deep breath and pressed on, praying her voice wouldn’t break. “I’ll always remember you fondly and hope you’ll think of me the same way. I hope the rest of your life is wonderfully happy.”

  For several long seconds he said nothing, just looked at her with an unreadable expression. Finally he gave a nod. “Rest assured I shall always remember you fondly. And I hope the rest of your life is…magical.” He reached for her hands and brought them to his mouth. “My darling Genevieve. Don’t ever think you are anything less than perfect.” His breath warmed her skin, as did the gentle kiss he pressed to the backs of her fingers. Without another word he released her, then turned and quit the room. The instant the door closed behind him, the tears she’d been fighting since she’d found him bleeding on her floor spilled from her eyes.

  17

  THE FIRST two weeks after Simon’s departure passed in a slow parade of dreary days marked by crying jags and listless walks around the cottage. Genevieve now dreaded her daily jaunts to the springs—she couldn’t erase from her mind the torturous image of her and Simon together. If the heated water wasn’t necessary to relieve the pain in her hands, she’d never visit there again.

  She tried to keep up her spirits in front of Baxter, but he wasn’t fooled, and she knew he wanted, in his words, to “break that damn viscount into tiny pieces.” She wished she could be angry with Simon, but she wasn’t. He’d offered to continue their relationship. Indeed, he’d offered her the only thing he could. She was simply going to have to set her feelings aside, put them away using the same tactics she’d employed when Richard was no longer part of her life. The problem was, while she’d found a place inside her to submerge her feelings for Richard, there simply wasn’t enough room for all the emotions, the wants and hopes and dreams Simon had inspired. Where could she possibly bury something so huge?

  Fifteen days after Simon had left, a knock sounded on the door, and for several seconds Genevieve couldn’t breathe as anticipation tore through her. Had he returned? Her ridiculous hope died when Baxter admitted an older gentleman who introduced himself as Mr. Lester Evans, a solicitor from London.

  “I’ve a letter for you, Mrs. Ralston,” Mr. Evans said, withdrawing an envelope from his waistcoat pocket. Genevieve froze at the sight of the maroon wax seal. It was Richard’s crest. “I represented Lord Ridgemoor’s interests for many years. He gave me this letter a year ago, instructing me to deliver it to you personally in the event of his death. I’m more sorry than I can say to be carrying out that wish. Should you have any questions or wish to contact me before I depart for London tomorrow morning, I’ll be staying in the village, at the Sheepshead Inn.”

  Mystified, Genevieve watched him return to his elegant carriage, then she retired to her bedchamber. Sitting on the wing chair before the fire, she broke the wax seal and unfolded the single sheet of ivory vellum with hands that weren’t quite steady.

  My darling Genevieve,

  Since the day I ended our arrangement, it has been my greatest hope to someday see you again, to stand in front of you and to give you these words in person. I’m sorry you’re receiving them this way, through this letter. But under the circumstances, this unfortunately is the only way.

  I’ve always prided myself on telling the truth, which made it so difficult to lie to you. And lie to you I did, when I told you I no longer wanted you. Genevieve, I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you, a beautiful young woman whose paintings touched my heart. I’ve loved you since the first time I touched you, a love I’ve never felt for another person. I know I hurt you when I ended our arrangement so abruptly and I can only say that doing so nearly killed me and filled me with a pain that has lived with me every moment since. But it had to be done. Threats had been made against me, and I realized that, given my feelings for you, you would be in danger. Certainl
y you would be the perfect weapon for my enemies to use against me—I’d give up anything for you, including my life, in a heartbeat, and I couldn’t allow them to know that.

  So I cut you from my life to guarantee your safety. I could stand being injured myself, but couldn’t bear to think of any harm coming to you. Knowing your feelings for me, knowing the caring, loving woman you are, I had to push you away irrevocably, sever the tie between us completely, and that meant in a way that would hurt you, that would snuff out your feelings for me, that would prevent you from coming to me and that, thereby, would keep you safe. I want you to know it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and only the fact that the threats against me increased afterward enabled me to stay away from you, to not travel to Little Longstone, fall to my knees before you and beg your forgiveness. But you have to know that not a day, nay, not a moment passed that I didn’t miss you, want you, love you with every breath.

  While I can no longer ensure your physical well-being, I can guarantee your financial well-being. Toward that end, I have established an account in your name at the Bank of England, the details of which Mr. Evans, my solicitor, can help you with, along with giving you any other assistance you might require. I wish I could do more. And I wish I could be with you. Now. Always.

  Thank you for loving me, darling Genevieve, and for allowing me to love you. You brought me nothing but joy. I hope you can forgive me. Please know that I wish you every happiness life can bring.

  Yours,

  Richard

  GENEVIEVE stared down at words through eyes blurred with tears. He’d loved her. He’d always loved her. And he’d only wanted to keep her safe. A sense of relief—that she hadn’t misjudged him, hadn’t been the fool she’d believed herself to be for the past year—suffused her, mixing with grief for Richard’s death, and sadness that he was irrevocably gone from her life, a brew of emotions that overwhelmed her. Setting the letter aside, she buried her face in her hands and cried. She wasn’t certain how long she sat there, but when her tears finally ran out, the tightness and bitterness that had squeezed her heart for the past year was gone, replaced with a sense of peace and gratitude for having known and loved Richard. She’d let him go a year ago and although she’d been hurt, she’d moved on with her life—started again.

  Fallen in love again.

  With yet another man she couldn’t have.

  She could only pray her heart would heal a second time. But given the continued depth of her misery over the loss of Simon, she didn’t think her prayers would be answered.

  The next two weeks didn’t pass any quicker than the first two, nor were they any easier. Yet as the frequency of Baxter’s pitying looks lessened, she assumed she became a better actress.

  Exactly one month and two days after Simon had left, she decided she’d mourned long enough. The day dawned sunny and crisp, and she resolved this was the day she was going to smile again. Laugh again. And mean it. She’d start off with a long soak in the springs to loosen her sore joints, then spend some time writing. But first she’d reread all her pearls of wisdom to Today’s Modern Woman. Hadn’t she written that Today’s Modern Woman didn’t mope after a man? Yes, she had. And it was about time she took her own advice.

  After a delicious breakfast of eggs, ham and Baxter’s blueberry scones slathered with butter and jam, she bade her giant friend a cheery goodbye and headed toward the foyer.

  “’Tis good to see ye smile, Gen,” Baxter said. His own grin was tinged with such obvious relief she felt ashamed and annoyed at herself for not better hiding her misery from him.

  “It feels good to do so. I’ll be out for at least an hour. Why don’t you walk to the village?” She adopted an innocent air as she donned her pelisse. “Isn’t today the day Miss Winslow normally visits the butcher shop?”

  A red flush crept all the way to the top of Baxter’s bald head and he scowled. “Don’t know. But seems we could use a bit o’ bacon around here.”

  “Excellent idea.” Satisfied that she’d done what she could to toss her friend in the path of the woman she hoped he’d soon realize he loved, she headed for the springs at a brisk pace. “Today I will be happy. Today I will be happy,” she murmured. If she said it enough times, surely it would become fact. Indeed, she was smiling when she rounded the curve that brought her to the springs—a smile that froze along with her footsteps when she saw that her sanctuary was occupied.

  Simon stood next to the bubbling water. Her stupefied gaze took in his dark-blue great coat, unfastened to reveal a jacket of the same color, a snowy white shirt and cravat, and buff breeches. His black boots gleamed, although the toe of the left one bore several unmistakable rows of teeth marks. In one hand he held Beauty’s lead—no easy task as the dog had turned into a tail-wagging, tongue-lolling, barking bundle of canine energy that strained for freedom the instant she saw Genevieve. In Simon’s other hand he held an enormous bouquet of pale-pink roses.

  Their gazes met and every emotion, every feeling she’d struggled to bury for the past month ripped from its shallow grave to inundate her: the longing, the desire, the love. Before she could think of something to say, something that didn’t include the phrases I love you, I miss you, I’m miserable without you, he let go of Beauty’s lead.

  The puppy raced toward her, and with a laugh Genevieve crouched down. Beauty greeted her with a plethora of wriggling doggie adoration. Genevieve ruffled her furry ears, scratched her scruff, then obediently rubbed Beauty’s belly when the dog flopped on her back.

  “She missed you.”

  Genevieve looked up. Simon stood less than six feet away, staring down at her with an indecipherable expression. After giving the dog another fond pat, she rose, refusing to acknowledge the unsteadiness in her knees. “I missed her, too. I cannot believe how much she’s grown.”

  “Believe it. She eats me out of house and home. And unfortunately boots.” He looked down at Beauty and said, “Heel.” The dog immediately trotted to his side. “Sit.” Beauty’s rump instantly hit the ground. “Stay.” He returned his attention to Genevieve. “Stay presents the biggest challenge, but she’s getting better.”

  “I’m impressed. You’ve made a great deal of progress.”

  “Yes, although I think she only obeys me in those regards because she’s so very bad when it comes to the boots.” His gaze seemed to devour Genevieve, and it required all her fortitude to keep her expression bland. Even then, she wasn’t certain she succeeded.

  He cleared his throat and held out the flowers. “For you. I hope they’re still your favorite.”

  She accepted the bouquet, ignoring the tingle that raced up her arms when her gloved fingers brushed his. “Yes, they are.” She sank her face in the gorgeous blooms and took her time breathing in their heady fragrance in order to compose herself. “They’re lovely. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. They reminded me of you.”

  A long moment of silence swelled, one she waited for him to break. When it appeared he wasn’t going to, she finally asked, “What are you doing here, Simon?”

  “I wanted to speak with you and thought it best to do so here. I suspected that if I called at the cottage, my innards would be in Baxter’s bare hands before I had the opportunity to open my mouth.”

  He was most likely correct. “What did you wish to speak to me about?”

  “I thought you’d want to know that when the note Ridgemoor hid in the box was decoded, it named Waverly as the man who’d tried to kill him. It also provided irrefutable proof that Waverly was guilty of theft and treason.”

  “Was anyone else involved?”

  “No. Waverly acted alone. Ridgemoor did England a great service by documenting Waverly’s treachery in that letter. You should know that the earl died a hero.”

  Genevieve nodded slowly, then said, “Thank you for telling me, although it wasn’t necessary for you to come all this way. You could have simply sent a note.”

  “No, as there’s something I wish to give y
ou. Return to you, actually, as it is yours.” He reached in his pocket and withdrew a folded square of paper which he held out to her.

  “What is that?” she asked, mystified, taking the proffered square.

  “Unfold it.”

  She did so and stared at her own cramped handwriting. The smear of ink on the bottom. Her eyes passed over the words Today’s Modern Woman, and a flush engulfed her entire body. She hadn’t once considered that he would have found her writings in her desk, most likely because she hadn’t had the heart to set pen to paper since he’d left.

  “That piece of paper saved my life.”

  She pulled her gaze from the words to look at him. “I beg your pardon?”

  “I found that in the wastebasket by your desk that last night I searched your cottage. I couldn’t bring myself to let it be thrown away, so I folded it up and slipped it in my pocket. When Waverly demanded to know where the letter was, I claimed I had it and produced that. Dropping it on the floor between us offered me the split second of distraction I needed to dispatch him.”

  Genevieve swallowed. “I…I don’t know what to say, other than that if it helped you in any way, I’m very glad you took it.”

  “As am I.” His gaze probed hers, and she had the impression he could see directly into her soul. “You’re Charles Brightmore.”

  She’d known what was coming, but hearing him say the words out loud still jolted her. “Would there be any point in denying it?”

  The ghost of a smile whispered across his face. “No.” He paused, then said, “You’re immensely talented.”

  She hadn’t expected that. “Th-thank you.”

  “And very insightful. I hope the second book is even more successful than the first one. You can be sure I’ll be purchasing a copy.”