Home Skillet

by Sandra Damien

“Ten months,” he reminded me with a cocky, upturned smile.

  “Whatever. I can’t be mad at you when I’m distracted by the thought of Jojo’s.”

  The restaurant was only a few blocks from campus, so we decided to walk. It was the same path we’d taken so many times before, and I was almost surprised the pavement wasn’t worn from our footsteps. It was a beautiful day, and the streets were mostly empty. The lack of people, the massive wave of nostalgia, the way everything had sort of seemed to click into place in a way that was better than anything I’d ever dreamed of… it had me feeling pretty fucking sappy.

  I wanted so badly to slip my hand into Jimmy’s, to walk down the street holding hands the way so many couples did. I wondered if they took the simple gesture for granted.

  I looked over at him, imaging what our lives would be like if we didn’t have to hide who we were to each other. I didn’t know if that could ever happen. Right now, Jimmy wasn’t ready. Hell, I didn’t know if I was. As much as I hated pretending Jimmy meant nothing more to me than simply being a friend, I wasn’t equipped to deal with the backlash that would inevitably come from being a homo in Hackensack.

  So even though I had to constantly be on guard with how I touched him and how I looked at him in public, I couldn’t bring myself to want to change a thing about our relationship.

  “What?” he asked, sounding suspicious.

  “What, what?” I replied.

  “You were staring.”

  “Sorry.” I opened my mouth to make a joke but what came out instead was “I still can’t really believe this is all happening. School. Us. Everything. I never thought your breakup with Jenna would turn my life upside down too.”

  “It has been a crazy few weeks,” he mused.

  “More than crazy.” I kicked a pebble onto the grass. “And I’ve been thinking more about what we talked about, about going into business together.”

  “I have too,” Jimmy said.

  “And?” I wanted to hear his thoughts on it now that a little time had passed and he’d had a chance to let the idea sink in a little more.

  “I think opening a culinary school would be a huge undertaking. We’d need more than just you and me and a passion for food. We’d need financial backers and real estate and a curriculum and a marketing team…”

  As he continued to list the obstacles in our way to success, my optimism began to falter.

  “But with all that said, what’s the point in chasing a dream if you settle for something less than the biggest you can imagine.”

  I laughed, my mood buoying back up. “You’ve really gotta stop quoting motivational posters.”

  “I’m serious though. How do you feel about all this?”

  “I’m on the same page. If I could have chosen anything, that would be my number one pick. You know I come from a long line of teachers, and yeah, I wouldn’t be the one in the classroom doing the actual instruction, but I’d love to be a part of something like that. And the idea of being our own bosses, of not answering to anyone but the students. It’s exciting.”

  And for what might have been the hundredth time that week, Jimmy and I clicked into sync on what we wanted.

  “There’s still a lot of kinks to iron out,” he said.

  “Tons. But I really don’t mind a little kink.”

  He laughed. “And we have time.”

  “Tons of that too.”

  We’d arrived at Jojo’s, and I held the door open for Jimmy to enter before me. It was nothing more than a little burger stand set between a medical clinic and a lawyer’s office. The space was narrow, barely wider than the large garage-style door that retracted into the ceiling during business hours in the summer. Tables scattered from the inside out to a small patio that jutted out onto the sidewalk.

  “You wanna grab a table and I’ll grab the food?” I asked, my eyes already locked on the handwritten menu above the counter.

  “Sure. Outside?”

  “Yeah. Somewhere with full sun. I’m so pale I’m translucent.”

  Jojo’s menu hadn’t changed in years. Back when we’d been just starting out on our own, we’d ended up at the burger joint at least once a week, trying out every item there. Once we’d settled in on our favorites, though, we’d never deviated. The doubles with cheese were only two bucks, and as starving students, it was our one indulgence. We were broke, but those meals made us feel like kings.

  The lineup was surprisingly short considering we’d arrived right at lunchtime, so it didn’t take long for me to grab the tray heaped with food and carry it over to where Jimmy was sitting. I set it down in front of him, then sat, laughing at the expression on his face. It was startlingly similar to the one he’d been wearing lately when he looked at me.

  I unwrapped a burger and bit into it, sweet, meaty juices flooding my mouth. “Oh man, I missed Jojo’s.”

  “Is there anywhere better?”

  “Stupid questions get stupid answers.” I took another mouthful and groaned.

  A smile played at the corner of Jimmy’s mouth as he watched me chow down.

  “You gotta come into the city and try Dirty Marvin’s. They make a peanut butter burger with Asian slaw that’s out of this world. It’d give JoJo’s a run for its money.”

  I mimed gagging. “Blasphemy. Peanut butter on a burger? You’re sick, man.”

  “Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”

  “Think I’ll pass.” I took a couple more bites, the burger hitting all the right notes for my poor famished stomach. After chasing it down with a few sips of strawberry milkshake, I sat back, satisfied, patting my belly. “That was better than sex.”

  Jimmy lifted an eyebrow. “Big talk coming from you.”

  “I stand by it.”

  “You got room for pie?”

  I groaned. “I don’t think I can think about food anymore… but ask me again in a half hour.”

  He chuckled, then leaned forward to swipe at the corner of my lip. “Ketchup,” he said. His hand lingered there a beat too long, his eyes holding my gaze.

  My heart was pounding, my cock getting hard in my shorts. I knew Jimmy wasn’t ready to take our relationship public, so I didn’t think molesting him in the middle of a busy restaurant was the best idea.

  “Get the pie to go and let’s go home,” I said roughly.

  Jimmy was up and out of his seat faster than I’d ever seen him move. I sat, watching as he hurried away, looking forward with anticipation to when I could get him alone.

  “Ben?”

  I turned at the sound of my name to see Simon standing there looking at me a little awkwardly. “Funny running into you here.”

  “Hey, yeah. Small world.” Only it wasn’t. We both lived in a relatively small town, and I knew he went to Eastview… I just didn’t know what the hell else to say.

  “Totally.”

  I expected him to walk off then, but he didn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable this whole situation was. He stood there, and after a few seconds had passed I couldn’t handle the silence anymore. “How was… Iowa?” I asked, hoping I’d remembered right. Frankly, I hadn’t thought about Simon once since the night I’d left him with blue balls.

  That night seemed so long ago now that it was like I was a whole different person. Old Ben wouldn’t have given a fuck, but New Ben… he was the type of guy to feel a twinge of remorse at how I’d ended that night. I cringed. I should probably apologize.

  “Yeah. Iowa. It was good. A lot of fucking work. My uncle didn’t give a shit that I’d never been on a farm before—I was up at dawn with the rest of the crew, working ’til sundown. Gotta say, though, it did wonders for my abs. Wanna see?”

  Before I could politely decline, Simon was lifting his shirt and demonstrating his considerable gain in muscle mass.

  “That’s uh… that’s great, Simon.”

  “Yeah. Pretty happy with the results. You know, if you wanted to examine them a little more up close and personal, I’d be down.”


  And with the worst timing ever, Jimmy chose that moment to return to our table, a white carryout bag in hand and a murderous look on his face. Simon was still holding his shirt up, brandishing his washboard abs in my direction, his not-so subtle invitation for sex still hanging in the air.

  Fuck.

  “Hey, Ben. You wanna introduce me to your… friend?” Jimmy asked with so much stress on the word “friend,” I was afraid it was going to break in two.

  “Jimmy, this is Simon. He’s works at Buck’s too.” Jimmy was still glaring at him. “Simon, this is Jimmy.”

  No sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth than Jimmy slid his arm around my waist in a blatant gesture of possessiveness. I leaned into him, only slightly, just enough for Simon to get the picture.

  His gaze darted between me and Jimmy. “Oh. You two are—”

  “Yeah,” Jimmy said, cutting him off. I bit my lip to keep my jaw from hitting the floor.

  “Well, good for you.” The congratulations were directed at me, but it sure didn’t sound all that sincere. “I should probably go. I’m meeting a friend of mine here soon.”

  “Sure. Nice to see you again,” I lied.

  “Yeah, you too.”

  He stalked off without looking back, and Jimmy let his hand drop.

  “What the hell was that?” he demanded, and the serious set of his jaw was too much. I burst out laughing.

  “That was nothing,” I assured him. “He’s a guy I worked with. We flirted a bit, but the one time we ever came close to hooking up, I got cockblocked by a certain surly chef who demanded to come over immediately.”

  “You kicked him out so I could come over? And you never slept with him.”

  “Yep and nope. I wasn’t all too happy about it at the time, but bros before hos, dude.”

  Jimmy chuckled. “Damn straight.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jimmy

  It was hard to believe that a matter of weeks before, I thought I’d been happy. I was living my dream, running one of the top kitchens in all of New York. Turned out, I didn’t know what happiness was. Being with Ben, being who I was, that made me happier than anything. The icing on the cake, though, was the plans we were making for our school.

  The more research we did, the more settled the idea became until neither of us could believe we hadn’t thought of it sooner. We were riding the high of life finally going our way, until one day I made the mistake of answering Ben’s phone.

  “Hello?” I answered, picking it up from the cradle on the counter, fully expecting Ben’s voice to come through the line.

  “So it is true. You are in Jersey.”

  The sound of my mother’s voice pierced through me, and I felt all the happiness vanish like a wisp of smoke. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Cecelia Gilbert told me her son saw you shopping the market with that friend of yours. She said she’s seen you there a few times and that she thought you’d moved back, but I told her she was full of baloney because there was no way my son would move home without telling me.”

  “Mom, I was just trying to get—”

  “And of course, when I was telling Victoria about what that old biddy said, she let it slip that she’d spoken to you recently, even though your poor mother hasn’t heard from you in weeks, and when I wrung it out of her, she admitted you were indeed back for an indeterminate length of time—"

  I pulled the phone from my ear and screamed silently at the ceiling.

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I—"

  “Save your excuses, James. It was bad enough that I had to read about your breakup with Jenna in the papers, but to find out you were back here from Hackensack’s nosiest busybody was heartbreaking.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” I repeated, summoning the level of remorse that’d placate her for the time being. “What can I do to make it up to you?” I knew I was stepping into the trap even as I said it, aware that whatever was about to come out of her mouth would give me a serious case of regret later.

  “Considering you’ve missed the last year of family dinners because you’ve been too busy working on a restaurant that is no longer yours, apparently, I would think the least you could do would be to grace us with your presence for a single meal.” That stung, but I knew she was hurt. “If that’s not asking too much,” she added for that extra helping of guilt.

  “Sunday?”

  “Dinner’s at five thirty. Don’t be late.”

  “You sure it’s okay with your mom that I’m crashing family dinner?” Ben asked as we pulled up outside my childhood home.

  “Of course. The more the merrier. You’ve met my mom. She loves extra people to impress, and besides, you’re family. I’m a little shocked you haven’t been invited every week since I’ve been gone.”

  Ben rolled his eyes, knowing I was completely full of shit. My parents had liked him well enough in the beginning, but once they’d discovered his proclivities, as my mother called it, they’d been less than warm toward him.

  Bringing him along without asking first might not have been my most inspired idea, but I felt like I was walking into the lion’s den, and knowing Ben had my back made me feel better about it. When he squeezed my hand across the center console, for just a moment, I had this overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be okay. I wasn’t ready to walk in holding his hand and announcing to the world that he was mine and I was his, but we both knew it, and one day I would be.

  With a deep breath, I got out of the car and crossed the yard where I’d met Ben all those years ago, where we’d played red rover with other kids in the neighborhood, where—watching Eddie Duncan throwing newspapers from his bike onto people’s porches—I’d first realized I wasn’t like the other boys.

  “I should have brought something. Flowers. Booze.”

  “You need a drink already?” I sure could have used one.

  “For your parents, obviously. That’s what people do. They give presents to people who don’t like them so they’ll hate them less.”

  “It’s me they’re mad at. No one hates you, and no one is going to even notice you’re here.”

  “Oh, wow, thanks. So glad I made the trip.” He quirked a smile at me to let me know he wasn’t offended.

  I shoved him gently. “What, all sixteen blocks? I’m impressed you managed that great distance.”

  “Just ring the bell.”

  There’d been a time when I’d just walked into my parents’ house freely. It’d been my house too, after all, but since I’d been away for so long, it now felt like I was stepping in as a guest. Momentary hesitation gone, I pressed the doorbell and waited for my mom to answer.

  Instead, Victoria opened the door, my one-year-old niece, Abby, sitting on her hip.

  “I’m sorry,” she blurted immediately. “I’m just so fucking sleep-deprived, and you know how she nags and guilt-trips until the next thing you know she’s conned every lie of omission out of you and you’re volunteering to host the next quilting group meeting at your place.”

  “Yeah, I’m aware,” I said drily. “Gimme that baby. I have a feeling I’m gonna need a human shield.”

  I took Abby in my arms, nibbling under her chin until she cracked a smile, and followed Victoria down the hall and into the kitchen. Somewhere in the back of the house came a chorus of screaming and giggles. Victoria and her husband, Clay, were trying to start their own small army, presumably to take over the world. They definitely had the makings of a soccer team with their four kids anyway.

  As I rounded the corner, I was greeted with a broad smile from my mother that faltered the instant she saw Ben. It was almost impossible to catch, but the way Ben tensed beside me, I knew he’d seen it.

  “Hello, Jimmy. Benjamin,” she said, the Lorene Carver veneer firmly back in place as she directed her attention to him. “I’m so glad you could join us. Jimmy didn’t tell us you were coming.”

  I passed the baby off to Victoria, who made a hasty retreat, the traitor, then leaned in and pressed a kiss t
o my mother’s cheek. “Couldn’t very well leave him to eat leftover takeout when your famous pot roast is being served.”

  She smiled, some of the genuine warmth shining through at the compliment, and turned back to the meat she was arranging on a large serving platter. “Your dad’s in the living room with Mitchell, and the children are playing in the sunroom.”

  “Where’s Clay?”

  “He had to work, unfortunately,” she said, her tone clipped, “but I’m sure he’ll be here next week. You’re planning to be here next week too, aren’t you?”

  “I’ll try,” I hedged. “But I might be working.”

  She swatted her hand in the air. “Family’s important, Jimmy.” The warning was clear in her voice.

  “I know, Mom. I’ll see what I can do.”

  Ben had hung back, and I couldn’t blame him. Maybe bringing him had been a mistake. Selfishly, I’d wanted him there, but realistically, this wasn’t going to be a laugh riot for him.

  “Go on in and see your father and brother. Dinner’ll be ready in just a few minutes.”

  “Can I help with anything?” Ben offered, and my mother looked startled as though she’d forgotten he was there.

  “No, no. I’m fine,” she said tightly. “The only thing left to do is to set the table. I can do that. You boys go watch some TV and relax.”

  “Come on,” I murmured to him. “Best to get out of her hair before she changes her mind.”

  I led him down the hall past the old family photos, pictures of Victoria, me, and Mitch through the years. It didn’t escape my notice that my wedding photo with Jenna was still up there, even though she dusted those photos every damn day without fail. She was making a statement, and I knew it. I dismissed the metaphorical nudge and kept walking into the living room where I found Dad and Mitch, eyes fixed to the Mets game.

  “Hey, Dad.” I crossed the room to where he was sitting in his recliner and shook his hand.

  “Hello, Jimmy. Ben.” He nodded. “Been a while since you’ve last been here.”

  “Yeah, it has,” Ben replied, giving me a look. “Thanks for having me.”