Reckless Abandon

by J N Owens

  At night, Em and I are sitting around my place. I’m doing some of my work for my conference, and she is doing some homework. Then Em starts asking me about the research I have been doing. So of course, I am glad to tell her. “So, you remember when I was doing my residency? Well, I worked with a doctor named Noah Beckett, he is the reason I became a pediatrician. His work and research are groundbreaking. Which is why I have followed him ever since. Anyway, he has been working on some new treatments for dyslexia, and I am going to the conference to find out what he has found out so far. I have quite a few patients that are dyslexic. We have been in contact over the years and have helped each other with a few patients. My research mostly being on immunizations, he has been in touch over the years to ask questions regarding it. I may have found a way to lower the amount of immunizations needed. There is still some testing to do but I think I have found something. Noah is going to work with me on it. This is a huge breakthrough. We have been talking more and more lately since my research has gotten more involved.” I get more excited the more I talk about my work.

  “Fin, that’s fucking amazing. I am so proud of you. Wait, isn’t that the doctor you had that huge crush on during school?” I can feel my cheeks heat.

  “Yeah, but that was forever ago. It’s been like 8 years. I haven’t seen him since then. We talk every once in a while, but it’s always works related.”

  “Oh my god, wait, is that the one? The one? The one you had that hot one-nighter with at the end of your residency?” her eyes are bulging out of her head. Her and Layla are the only two people I have ever told about that night. It was one night, one amazing night. We had both stayed late, I had to finish wrapping up some charts since I wouldn’t be back after that night. He ended up staying and helping me. We talked and talked. It was something I hoped for since the first day I had laid eyes on him. He is the type of man I had always dreamed of. He asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with him. There was no way I would refuse him because I had been head over heels for him since the day I started. He was my teacher though. I couldn’t cross that line. Now, that was over. We went to dinner and had some drinks. After he walked me back to my apartment, we ended up falling through the front door in a tangle of arms and legs. Clothes were getting thrown everywhere, and for the first time ever I found out what sex really was.

  “Yeah, that’s him. I try real hard not to think about that night. I doubt he thinks about it anymore. I mean, he certainly has never brought it up. Everything has always stayed professional ever since that night.”

  “Are you kidding me right now? Your gorgeous! You always have been. I bet he feels the same way. He probably stayed away because he was your teacher and has been waiting for some kind of cosmic sign that y’all should be together. I think he has been keeping in touch because of that night, and all this time he has just been waiting for you to say something about it.”

  “What? That’s crazy.”

  “Well, have you ever brought it up?”

  “No, of course not. I would never bring that up. How would I even begin to start that conversation? So…um…hey…remember that one hot night of sex we had? Yeah. I’m sure that would go over so well.”

  “Yes, that is exactly what you say.”

  I roll my eyes at her.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter now. We are thousands of miles apart. And it’s not even an issue.” Now it’s her turn to roll her eyes at me.

  Deep down I feel a pang of regret and sadness, just like I always do when I think about him. I have thought about that night and him a lot. I even wondered what could have been. But we can’t live our lives like that. I can’t live my life that way, so I’m trying to finally move on from wondering about the one man that I always thought was the one. Thinking this way really does send a twinge of pain straight thru me, which is so odd because I never had a relationship that affected me that way.

  Anyway, I’m glad to see Em feeling better. She has gotten better gradually day by day. It makes me happy that it helps her to be here with me. She stays with me through the week, and I’m glad to have her. I tell her about my plans for the weekend just so she knows I won’t be home.

  Saturday rolls around and Scott is supposed to meet me downtown again for another dinner. Fucking dinner. I am not in the mood to go sit and eat dinner, with the chit chat and bullshit. I want to have some fun. I don’t know why, but I feel restless. I know we have barely talked all week because I was so busy, but I’m kind of pissed about his attitude. However, I also feel guilty for the way I am treating him. It is like I am stringing him along, and now, I honestly don’t know if I even feel like seeing him. What I do know is I want to just go get drunk.

  I pull up to the restaurant and he is already standing outside. Just seeing him makes me more pissed off for some reason. I am just not into it tonight. I walk up to him with my hands tucked in my back pockets and smile.

  “Hey, you look amazing.” He leans down and kisses my cheek. For some reason that makes me madder and I pull away just a tad when he does. He notices though.

  “Hey, you don’t look so bad yourself cowboy.” I am really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt for being an asshole. Maybe he isn’t an asshole and I’m just over reacting to everything from this past week. I don’t even know what a normal reaction is. I’m so fucking bad at this.

  “Hey, I’m sorry I was a jerk this week. Okay? I like you. And I want to spend time with you. Don’t be mad please.” He reaches out for my hand. I let out a sigh.

  “No, I was being a shit. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never been in a real relationship. This is brand new for me. I’m trying, I promise. I just don’t know what’s normal and what’s not. So I feel like I’m getting aggravated when I shouldn’t be, or maybe I should be, I have no idea. So basically, I guess I’m sorry too. But you have to understand, I can’t be available all the time. You have to understand that up front. No more getting upset when you can’t see me.”

  “You’re doing great. I get it, I do. I promise I won’t get mad about stupid shit anymore. I’m sorry. I was the asshole. Let’s just forget it and go eat.” I smile up at him.

  “Forget dinner, I have something way better. You feel like dancing? I know a great little bar down the street. Great drinks and great music. Come on, I know the owner.” I take his hand and led the way.

  “I’m up for it if you are.” He follows me down into the quarter. Its early still so there are only a few people, mostly tourists walking around. We get to my sister’s place. Her rustic wooden sign with ’REDS’ on it hanging over head. I love it here. We walk in and she is behind the bar getting things ready for the night. Most people don’t show up this early, but I like to come this time to get a head start and a good seat. There isn’t a band tonight, the stage is set for karaoke which makes me smile. I love to sing, and this place is comfortable for me. We walk up to the bar. “Hey sis, what you got good?”

  “Hey biscuit, I got your regular. What is cowboy having?” she looks over to Scott.

  “I haven’t ever been here, what’s good?” she gives that are you fucking stupid look.

  “Everything is good. Pick something, dick.” I love her, she doesn’t hold her tongue.

  “I have to use the girl’s room. I’ll be back,” I turn to walk away as Scott and Layla have a staredown. Shit that may not be good. Oh well, he can handle himself. I’m not gone maybe 5 minutes and when I come back, they are still staring at each other. “What did I miss?”

  “Nothing, he still hasn’t ordered. Won’t say anything.”

  “That’s because she hasn’t stopped talking since you left.”

  Layla cocks her eyebrow at him.

  “I just wanted to know what the fuck he was up to with you that’s all. Didn’t think that was too much to ask.” Scott rolls his eyes. “Don’t roll your fucking eyes at me. That’s my sister and I have a right to know what the fuck your intentions are with her.” She is looking right at him with a cocked eyebrow, and her arms
crossed over her chest in her dare me pose. Good God, she is fired up tonight. I know she is feisty like that, but who pissed in her Cheerios? I look back and forth between them, waiting to see which one will break first.

  “Oh, for God’s sake. Enough! We are here to have a good time. Give the man a drink so we can get drunk and sing.” She gives him a beer and flips him off. I just start laughing and walk to a table as he follows me.

  “You get used to her. She isn’t serious. She just likes fucking with people.”

  “Oh, so that is her not being serious?”

  “Yeah. You will learn the difference.”

  We grab a table close to the stage. I love it in Layla’s place. It’s welcoming, lush, and cozy with warm red walls, dark wood floors, rustic wood tables, and wood chairs. There is a huge round bar in the middle of the place surrounded with red velvet barstools. The bar has shelves running up the middle in a tall circular tower that is lit up red from the inside. I love it. The stage is in the back and is set up for karaoke tonight even though there is band equipment in the back for when there is live music. There is a courtyard through the back that is wonderful for when it’s cooler. We sit and listen to the music for a while and drink until about midnight. Then, I finally get the nerve to get up and sing. “OK I’m going up.” I stand up and Scott has this look of wonderment on his face.

  “You really do sing?”

  “Karaoke, yes.” I give him a little smile as I saunter up. The music for Like a Virgin starts to play. I let loose, dance, and sing to one of my favorite songs. When I’m done the place goes wild. Scott stands and claps.

  We stay a few more hours drinking and singing. We even dance. I am having a really good time. I actually enjoy his company. Dancing with him and being close, is making me extremely turned on. He is so damn sexy. How have I managed to go so long in life without regular sex? I feel like a walking hormone. Maybe that’s why, because I haven’t had regular sex. I have a lot of making up to do. Ugh, I have to stop with this. He can’t be good for me. He is so charming and smooth, maybe too smooth. But everyone once and a while I see a darkness shift across those beautiful aquamarine eyes of his. It’s almost as if he disappears for just a split second, and someone else is there. And then, poof he is back, laughing and talking like nothing happened. It’s the strangest thing. He may not be good for a lifer, but maybe he can scratch an itch.

  The night ends with us taking a cab back to my house. It’s not that far from the quarter. He seems surprised, I think he expected me to be in a suburb or something. I like being close to downtown. I’m near to the hospital and everything I love.

  He helps me up the steps to the front door. I can’t stop laughing while I make my way up.

  “Thank you for helping me home, I don’t usually drink this much. I had a rough week. I am not usually as busy I have been lately. I have a lot going on right now is all. But thank you for tonight. I really had a good time.” I brush my hand lightly against his and lick my lip. I pull my bottom lip through my teeth as I look up at him.

  “I had a good time too. Thank you. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He leans in placing his hand on the side of my face and gently brushes a kiss against my lips. It’s just a soft kiss at first, but I lean into him and that’s all it takes. As the kiss deepens, he takes my bottom lip in between his and licks it before sucking it into his mouth. I gasp slightly and wrap my arms around his waist, sliding my hands over the top of his firm ass. His arms move slowly around me, hands spread wide as they slide across my hips and onto the small of my back. One hand moves up into my hair, the other down to cup my ass. I move my tongue into his mouth and explore with my tongue. We both give and take. Before I know it, he is pulling back and we are both winded. I don’t remember the last time I got so worked up from just a kiss. He reaches up with both hands, taking my face and pulling me in to brush his lips softly over mine. He runs his tongue lightly over mine. I look up at him.

  “I need to go in before this goes too far. Thank you again for tonight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I pull away, turn to walk inside and lock the door. I lean back against the door. I may be pretty wasted but that was an amazing kiss. Fuck me. I head upstairs and get my clothes off, then I realize I am fucking horny as hell. I go to my bed and pull out my trusted friend from the nightstand. I get under the covers and give myself an orgasm, or two while I imagine Scott’s hands and mouth on me. Then I pass out and dream of him.

  I wake up around noon the next morning and I feel like shit. I roll over and the sun is shining through my window. Ugh, that’s fucking bright. I roll away from the light and grab my phone off my nightstand. I have a text from Scott, one from Layla, and one from Noah.

  Scott: had a great time cant wait to see u

  * * *

  Layla: what the fuck is with ur cowboy? He is hot as hell, but a total serious uptight fuck face. Call me bitch!! Lv u!!

  * * *

  Noah: Hey Finley, I was checking in with you about your plans for Miami. I am getting in on the Sunday afternoon before the conference starts. I was hoping we could maybe get together for dinner one night or something. It has been entirely too long since I have seen you. I can’t wait to catch up with you.

  I read through the messages and take a deep breath. Maybe I will get out of the house today. I need coffee. So, I decide to see of Scott wants to hang out.

  Me: sorry didn’t answer last night. crashed as soon as I got in the door. I was pretty bad off. I don’t drink that often. u busy today?

  And then I decide to answer Layla.

  Me: Hey hooker, u can come off as a major bitch. think he didn’t know how to take u. Give him a chance. Lv u 2.

  And oh God, Noah. My Noah. It has been at least 6 or, fuck 8 years since I have seen him, but that message is promising. I’m sure he doesn’t mean it the way I’m taking it. He can’t possibly. He absolutely would have said something, anything by now. Right? I mean that was one night, over 5 years ago. Well, we will see in August.

  Me: Hey Noah, I will get into Miami around 2 on Sunday. I am so excited about the week. Dinner sounds great. We can work something out when we get there, I guess. I can’t wait. See you then.

  I lay there for a little while. And my phone dings.

  Scott: no worries. Not doing anything, whats up

  Me: Nothing major, I was gonna hit the quarter for some coffee and beignets. u in?

  Scott: yeah, meet u in about an hour.

  Me: sounds good meet me in Jackson square.

  Scott: see you there.

  I roll my ass out of bed and drag myself to the bathroom. Once I’m in the shower under the warm water I start to feel like myself again. I get out and dry off. I throw my hair up in a messy bun and don’t bother with makeup. It’s a lazy Sunday after all. I’m doing good to get my hungover ass out of bed. But I need to get out today. I make my way into the quarter and sit down on a bench in Jackson Square across from St. Louis Cathedral. I love it here, leaning my head back with my eyes closed, I take a deep breath. Aahhhh. That smell, the smell of coffee, beignets, and the salt water, that’s aroma of my home and safety. The sounds of jazz coming from down the street and people talking and laughing. It all brings me back to my childhood.

  It’s a beautiful spring day, not too hot with a little breeze coming off the gulf. It’s my favorite kind of day. All the street people are set up around the streets, selling all different kinds of things. They have art, handmade jewelry, and some are telling fortunes. It’s a world all its own here. My world. This is where I’m happy. I look over to the right and see Scott walking up. He has shorts on today, that’s a shock, and a blue t shirt with flip flops. It’s a nice look on him. His hair is loose hanging around his face, and it should be against the law for a man to have that great of hair. He has a days’ worth of growth on his face and it makes him that much sexier. He gives me his pantie melting smirk when he sees me. I go to meet him, and he wraps his arms around me as he kisses me in the soft spot under my ear. “It’s good to s
ee you.”

  “It’s good to see you too. I’m real glad you survived last night.” He says with a smile.

  “It wasn’t that bad. I’ve had worse and I’m sure I’ll have worse again. Especially on tequila Tuesdays with my sisters.” I say with a laugh as I pull away and take his hand. We start walking toward the smell of coffee and beignets.

  “Come on the coffee and beignets are waiting for us.” He laughs and follows along.

  “Lead the way.”

  We head down the street by a funky little 2-man band and a woman doing palm readings. We get a table and have our coffee and beignets. He looks adorable with his lips and chin covered in white powder. I lean over to him and wipe it off for him. Laughing that he is such a mess. We talk all afternoon and enjoy the sounds of the city. It’s never a boring day here. We walk around some and even do a little shopping.

  I walk him to where he parked and have a short kiss goodbye.

  I don’t like to get real affectionate in public, so I had to shut it down. I know if I let him start really kissing me, I won’t be able to stop him. I am not a fan of fucking in public, but I really want him. I feel like I may explode at any minute if he doesn’t fuck me. But I can’t go there, not yet. I need to know more about this guy first.

  When I get back to my house Emory Is there, she looks up at me when I come through the door. “Have fun?”