Relent

by Rachel Schurig

  “How do you not see it in his eyes?” I cry. “How do you not see how…how sad he is?”

  Daltrey is staring at me in shock, the anger frozen on his face. Behind him, Cash’s expression is almost identical. And next to the bed, Reed’s face is full of guilt. Suddenly, I’m not just pissed at Daltrey. I’m pissed at every last one of them. “You’re right, Daltrey. He is your brother,” I say, no longer shouting. “And none of you ever paid one second of attention. You’re with him every fucking day, since you were kids. At your rehearsals and your concerts and your tours. None of you ever noticed something was wrong? All any of you cared about was your damn band.” I’m so angry, my hands are trembling. I look over and Lennon won’t meet my eyes.

  “Fuck this,” I mutter. “I’m done. You all know now. So fucking do something about it.”

  I push through Cash and Daltrey. At the door, Will grabs my shoulder, but I shake him off. “Do something about it,” I repeat. None of them says a word as I reach the hallway. I don’t bother looking back. I stride down the hall, leaving them to their shocked silence.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Karen

  I sit in the cafeteria long after Paige and Daisy go up to see Lennon. Something strange is going on, but I have no idea what it is. Levi hasn’t come down to find me, and after they left to go up to Lennon’s room, I don’t see Paige or Daisy again. I can’t go up there to find out for myself, not without Levi. It would feel too invasive. So I sit at a table in the cafeteria, nursing a long-cold coffee, hoping that Lennon is as okay as Daisy made him sound.

  After about an hour, I look up to see Dan approaching me across the room. He looks grave as he weaves between the tables, and I feel a flash of fear. “What’s going on?” I ask, half standing as he approaches.

  “I don’t really know.” He collapses into the chair next to me, clearly exhausted. “Will just had me cancel the show tonight.”

  Tonight. I look out the windows that line the far wall of the cafeteria. It’s still dark outside, and I know it must be well past two a.m.

  “Why? Is Len okay?”

  “Something weird is going on,” he says. “I know he’s awake and talking. But there was a lot of screaming coming from that room.”

  I frown, wondering what they could have to fight about now.

  “Do you know where Paige and Daisy are?”

  “They’re up there. The hospital gave us a few rooms on either side for privacy. The girls have been sitting with Daltrey and Reed.” He shakes his head. “I don’t understand why they all aren’t together. Like I said, something weird is going on.”

  Daisy and Paige are sitting with Daltrey and Reed, apparently away from Lennon. Dan said there was a lot of shouting. I have a terrible feeling that they all must have found out what Levi and Mr. Ransome knew for a long time. I feel a flash of worry for Cash. I wish Sam was here.

  “How are you?” Dan asks, ducking down to look into my face. “You’re exhausted.”

  I shrug. “Wish I would have changed out of these heels before we ran over here.”

  He smiles down at my feet sadly. “I would give you a massage if I didn’t think you would take my hands off for it.”

  We sit in silence for a long moment. “I thought you would have left with Levi,” he finally says.

  A cold shiver runs down my arms. “Levi left?”

  “Yeah.” Dan looks confused. “You didn’t know that?”

  “When?”

  “About an hour ago.”

  Something in me seems to deflate. I rest my arms on the table, cradling my head in my hands.

  “Hey,” Dan says, rubbing my back. I feel too numb to even stop him. “What’s wrong, Karen? Is…is something going on with you and Levi?”

  “No,” I whisper. “I thought there might be, but I was clearly alone in that.”

  “What do you mean?” He sounds bewildered. “Are you guys fighting?”

  I let out a strangled laugh, thinking about the nasty words we’d flung at each other in the limo. When it’s clear to Dan that’s the only response he’ll get to his question, he tries again. “Well, why didn’t he tell you he was taking off? It seems like the kind of thing a guy would share with his girlfriend.”

  “I’m not,” I say, the words like a sting to my heart. What’s the use of keeping up the ruse any longer? Everything has fallen apart—Levi and I, the carefully constructed story that everything is okay with Lennon, even the tour itself. I lift my head from my hands to look at him, at that familiar, handsome face I used to love so much. “I’m not his girlfriend. It was all just bullshit.”

  He gapes at me. “What do you mean? How was it bullshit?”

  “We were pretending, Dan. The whole thing was a farce. Neither one of us could stand being alone on the tour. Because of…” I trial off with a sigh. “Because of everything. So we made it up. We felt like it protected us.”

  He’s quiet for a long time. “From me?” he finally whispers. “You felt like you needed to be protected from me?”

  “You hurt me so badly,” I whisper, feeling my lips start to tremble. God damn it. If I start crying now, I’ll never forgive myself. I sit up straighter, trying to keep it together. “I was so bad at letting you go. Every time you called or emailed me…it sent me right back there. I didn’t think I could handle seeing you everyday.”

  “Karen.” Dan looks away, like the sight of me is too much. “And Levi had that thing with Daisy,” he mutters, more to himself.

  I nod, feeling miserable. “It was stupid. But at the time…it really seemed to help.”

  Dan’s gaze is sharp on my face. “But you fell for him?”

  I look away, unable to answer. Did I fall for Levi? There were so many lies. How could I tell what parts had been true?

  “Of course you did,” Dan murmurs. I expect him to be pissed, but he reaches over and takes my hand instead, squeezing it. When I don’t look up, he reaches up with his other hand to nudge my chin. “Because I treated you so horribly. I hurt you, Karen. So you ran to the first nice guy you could find to help you.” He shakes his head. “This is all my fault.”

  “I can be responsible for my own mistakes.”

  “But it wouldn’t have happened if I had been there to take care of you. Like I should have been. After all, that’s what you do for people you love.”

  My breath leaves me as I stare into his eyes. He never actually said the words before…

  “I love you, Karen. I never stopped. And do you know what I think?” I’m too overwhelmed to speak. I’d wanted to hear those words for so long. “I think you still love me too. That’s why you were so quick to run to Levi. And that’s why you’re feeling so confused now.”

  I try to come up with an argument but before I even open my mouth he leans forward and kisses me, his lips soft against mine. I sit there, frozen, unsure if I’m imagining this, until he pulls back. “I have work to do now. We’ll talk more later. Can I call you a cab?”

  I shake my head, mind spinning. He kisses my hand before releasing it, smiling down at me. Then he’s gone.

  I stare after him for a long moment. I’m completely floored by his revelation, by his kiss. Was it possible that he was right? That I did still love him? It couldn’t be true. I had felt so sure, only the night before—

  “Karen?”

  My heart stops at the sound of Paige’s voice. She sounds strangled, like she’s fighting back tears. I turn around, and she’s standing right behind me. And her eyes… She’s bewildered, but there’s something else there. Anger? Disappointment?

  “How long have you been standing there?” I ask, a sick feeling in my stomach.

  “Long enough.” She’s definitely close to tears. “You’ve been seeing Dan?”

  I close my eyes. Damn it.

  “He’s…he’s married, Karen.”

  “Paige, just let me—”

  “And what was that about you and Levi? You were faking?” A tear slips down her cheek. “You lied to me?”r />
  “I’m so sorry,” I say immediately, feeling panicked. “It was so wrong of me, Paige, I know that. It all got out of hand.” She’s just staring at me, another tear escaping her eye. “Sit down. Please, Paige. Let me explain.”

  She sits several spots down, crossing her arms. “I don’t understand anything that’s happening right now,” she whispers. “You and Dan?”

  “It was a long time ago,” I tell her. “Before I found out he was married.”

  “When?”

  “It started in Mexico.”

  She gasps, the sound hitting me like a punch to the gut. I thought she would be disappointed in me when she found out. I hadn’t counted on her being so hurt. “That’s when Reed and I got together,” she whispers. “This has been going on since then and you never told me?”

  “I’m sorry.” I close my eyes. “It was just a fling, Paige. But then…I saw him again when I came out for Spring Break and…it kept going. And then last summer…”

  She curses softly and I swallow. “Last summer, he had a long-term gig in Nashville, so I stayed with him while he was in town.”

  “Without me knowing.”

  “You were in L.A. with Reed at the time.”

  “So this was your way of what, punishing me? Because you were mad at me for going away with Reed? You thought I deserved it? Lying to me for months?”

  “It wasn’t like that! I was just…”

  “What? You were what, Karen?”

  I’ve never seen Paige look at me like this before. We’ve had plenty of little arguments over the years, but she’s never looked at me like…like she doesn’t even know me.

  “It was nice to have this little thing that was just my own,” I whisper. “He didn’t want the guys in the band to know, said he could get in trouble. So we kept it a secret. And it was kind of fun, you know? It made it more exciting.” I realize as I say the words that this was a huge part of the appeal. It felt exciting because it was a secret. God, I had been so naive.

  “When did you find out about Cheryl?”

  “When he left Nashville. I swear nothing else ever happened after I knew.”

  “But you still didn’t tell me,” she says, shaking her head. “I knew something was wrong, Karen! I knew you were sad. How could you have not told me that your heart was broken?”

  “Because I thought you would be disappointed in me!” I cry, burying my face in my hands. I can’t look at her. “I slept with a guy who was married! And I couldn’t get over him, even after I knew.” I finally look up at her, needing her to understand. “After all of my ranting about not relying on guys. My whole thing about being independent and not letting anyone hurt me. I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t let you see that.”

  She just stares at me for a long minute. When she speaks again, her voice is shaking. “You think I wasn’t ashamed when I told you I got knocked up when we were seventeen?” she asks. “You think it wasn’t embarrassing to tell you that I wanted to keep the baby and get married?”

  I wince.

  “But I still told you. Because you are my best friend.”

  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sick. Or so guilty.

  “What about Levi?”

  Oh God. I look into her eyes and can see her utter confusion. “You were pretending?” I nod, my throat too dry to speak. “Because you felt like you needed—what did you say? Protection?”

  “It’s hard to explain—”

  “Protection from what?” she cries. “From me? Did I really hurt you that badly by dating Reed?”

  “No! It wasn’t—”

  “You went on and on about being a third wheel, but I had no idea you were so mad about it. How could you not tell me?”

  “It was more about Dan and—”

  “You think I would have asked you to come on this tour if I knew about Dan? Do you think I would have put you in that position?”

  “I didn’t want to hold you back!”

  “So you lied to me instead,” she says. She no longer sounds teary. She’s furious. “You would rather pretend to date someone than talk to me—your best friend.” I have no answer for her, no defense. I knew it was crappy to lie about Levi, but I had somehow never put it all together like this, thought about what it would all look like to her.

  “Karen, what in the hell does that say about our friendship?” she cries. “You don’t trust me?”

  “Of course I—”

  “I don’t believe you,” she says, standing. She wipes the tears from her eyes. “How am I supposed to believe anything?”

  “Paige!”

  “I have to go.” She covers her mouth and a little sob escapes. “I just came down here to tell you that Lennon is really sick. They think he’s been trying to hurt himself. I thought that you should…” She sobs again. “I thought you should know. But I need to get back up there now.”

  “Paige, please don’t go. Please talk to me.”

  I reach for her hand, but she yanks it back, wiping her eyes again. Then she says the words I never in my wildest dreams imagined her saying to me.

  “I don’t have anything to say to you right now, Karen.”

  “Paige!”

  But she doesn’t pause. She just turns and walks away from me. I realize with a start that I’m crying, fat tears rolling down my face as my shoulders shake with sobs. Paige, more than anyone else, knows that I never cry. But even that, apparently, wasn’t enough to make her pause.

  Because she doesn’t trust you anymore, I think, a fresh sob rising in my throat. And she shouldn’t. I find the scar on my arm and press against it with my fingertips, the way I’ve done a million times. My reminder of the mistakes I’ve made—and the way I’ve overcome them. But this… I don’t know that there’s any overcoming this. Hurting Paige like that is far and away the worst thing I’ve ever done.

  And I have no idea if there’s any way to fix it.

  ***

  Dawn is breaking on the horizon by the time my taxi pulls up to the villa. I stare down at the money in my hand, feeling way too muddled in the head to make sense of my fare. In the end, I just hand the driver the whole wad of bills, muttering my thanks.

  I step into the foyer, remembering my last desperate escape into this space. That seems like days ago, instead of mere hours. And to think that when we left the house at the start of the night, everything seemed so perfect…

  I slip off my heels at long last, carrying them as I head up the stairs on tired, aching feet. All I can think of is my bed. I need to get a couple of hours of sleep before the others come back, so I can think clearly about what to do next.

  The door next to mine is ajar, a light pouring into the hallway. Levi. I stop in the doorway, and see him inside, his back to me. Packing.

  “Levi?”

  He looks up at me without surprise. His face is exhausted, haunted. Like he doesn’t even have it in him to be surprised by anything anymore. That’s when I notice the huge purple welt under his eye.

  “What happened to your face?” I cry, crossing to him, forgetting for a second all the things that happened between us that might make him not want me to touch him. Sure enough, he ducks his head as I reach out my arm, and returns to his packing.

  “That would be Daltrey’s fist,” he says to the suitcase.

  I gasp. “He punched you? Why?”

  “Apparently, he was pretty pissed that I knew his brother was suicidal and failed to mention it.”

  “Lennon is—” I can’t even say the word.

  Levi shakes his head. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think so.” He sighs. “At least I didn’t before he wrapped a motorcycle around a tree.”

  “It was on purpose then?”

  “Of course it was. He’s so fucked up. And they had no idea.”

  “So Daltrey punched you.”

  Levi laughs bitterly. “I think there were plenty of emotions behind it besides the thing with Len.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  He finall
y stops messing with his clothes and looks up at me. “It’s not your fault, Karen. Thank you for being there last night. I appreciate it. And I know I didn’t deserve it.”

  I wave away his thanks, still feeling far too shitty to deserve any kind of acknowledgment. “I wanted to ask you something,” I say. “Did you…you talked to Dan last night? At the club?”

  Levi’s face clouds. “Yeah. Before he went down to see you. He told me how he felt. Said he thought you still felt it too. I guess that’s why I got so upset.” He looks away. “Felt a little like history repeating itself, to be honest.”

  “Levi, I swear nothing has been going on with Dan and me. I’m over it. I know I am. He tried to kiss me at the hospital, and I didn’t feel—”

  Levi turns away, a sick expression on his face. “Karen, can we just not do this?”

  “What?”

  “This.” He’s still looking away, but he gestures between the two of us. “I’m sorry, but I had a really shitty night, and I just don’t think I can handle any more drama.”

  “Okay,” I whisper, thoughts of confiding to him about Paige fading away. “I’m sorry.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He turns to me now, smiling sadly. “It was all just pretend anyhow, wasn’t it?”

  No! A voice in my head screams. Not for me! But how can I say it out loud? If he doesn’t want me, how could I ever be strong enough to fight for him? I have a lifetime’s practice of watching men walk away. And there’s never been anything I can do about it.

  Except for hold my head high and not let them see how deep it cuts.

  “Why are you packing?” I ask, pleased by how calm my voice sounds. He watches me for a second, as if he was expecting—hoping for?—something else. Then he turns back to the bag, the moment gone.

  “I’m checking into a hotel.”

  “You are?”

  He nods. “I can’t be in this house with them anymore.”

  I stare at his back, shocked. I can’t believe he would leave Lennon right now. “You’re running again?”

  He spins to face me, anger in his eyes. “I’m not running. I’m checking into a hotel here in town while they figure out what in the hell to do with the tour.”