Warming Trend

by Karin Kallmaker

  Don’t look at her eyes, and remember the way it really was, she warned herself. Stay angry. Ani had been in love with someone else and risked everything for the other woman. She never really loved you at all. She tried to lie to you. Forgive her if that’s what she wants. But don’t forget how it really was just because she’s still the woman you fell for, and may still love, now that you can feel your heart again.

  Okay, as a pep talk that sucked.

  She really didn’t have to admit to herself that maybe she still had feelings because it was absurd, not to mention masochistic. She might as well hang a doormat on her heart. Inwardly muttering about her lack of common sense, she used a towel to protect her hand from the hot plate bearing the soup crock and baguette and pushed through the door into the dining room.

  As the door swung closed behind her, Ani looked up.

  Don’t look at her eyes…oh hell. Oh hell, Eve thought, what am I doing? Who am I kidding?

  Ani got up, not even looking at the plate Eve set on the table. Eve thought they moved at the same time, and the hug held nothing back. And clearly, neither of them tried to end it. Eve was holding Ani as tightly as she was being held and dozens of things ran through her mind as she inhaled the never forgotten scent of Ani’s hair and soaked up the warmth that she had always felt in her bones.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was the truth, and she couldn’t help but say it because anger and bitterness were not what she felt at that moment, there was just regret. Regret and that other feeling she wasn’t going to name.

  As the words passed her own lips she heard in her ear, “I’m sorry.”

  Something that was coiled deep, below the years, relaxed. What idiots they were not to have said it before. But that was Ani’s choice, not yours, she thought. You didn’t know where she was, but she obviously knew where you were. The silence was her choice.

  She relaxed her arms and Ani let go. She lost the heat of Ani and only then realized that she’d been cold, day in, day out, for the last three years.

  They looked anywhere but at each other. Finally, Eve gestured at the table and they both sat.

  She was learning that it was possible to feel fifty different things in the space of a few minutes. Her body felt the warmth, her soul the regret, but now her heart had something to say. Seeing Ani had indeed stripped away all the insulation she had piled on her love, but it had also freed her still real disappointment, hurt and anger. “What brought you back?”

  “A broken freezer.” Looking as if she needed something to do with her hands, Ani crumbled off some of the baguette and nibbled at it. “I had an unexpected furlough at work.”

  She wanted to ask so many questions. “What are you doing?”

  “Bartending.”

  “Oh, like before you went to GlacierPort?”

  Ani nodded. “In an ice bar. Ice sculptures and glasses made of ice, that sort of thing—isn’t that funny? Funny strange, not funny ha-ha.”

  Eve nodded. She tried not to smile at those deep, black eyes. Ani had no right to look so…Ani. “I thought about having a place that was super warm inside, everyone would wear swimsuits, including the waitresses. But that was getting a little too Hooters for me.”

  Ani broke the bread in her hand into smaller and smaller pieces. “I came back because I suddenly realized how long it had been, and I thought you’d been saddled long enough with my stuff.”

  “It wasn’t that much.”

  “I know—I already got all the boxes. I hope you don’t mind. My old key worked.”

  Mind? She was a little stunned at the presumption, then hurt Ani hadn’t come to see her first. Getting her things had been more important than any conversation delayed for three years. “You saw Tonk.”

  “Yes, and he’s doing great. Thank you—I owe you for a lot of Newfie food.”

  She shook her head. “No, it’s fine.” She had a sudden fear and it must have shown in her face.

  “He’s yours now. I wouldn’t take him away.”

  “There are pups,” Eve said, relieved. “You might be able to get one from the breeder.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” She finally gave Eve a fleeting look. “Is this okay? I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me at all.”

  “It’s okay. I’m glad you stopped in.” Glad was such an understatement, though she was also, well, annoyed.

  “Monica didn’t seem to think it was a good idea.”

  “You’ve already seen Monica?” What more proof do you need, the angriest inner voice demanded. You are low woman on her totem pole.

  “Yeah.” Ani’s eyebrows went up. “She didn’t mention it?”

  “No. I just talked to her a bit ago.”

  “Well, I’m sure she has your best interests at heart. And, I don’t know…it’s all kind of weird now that you’re partners.”

  The front door chimed and a group of six or seven soldiers in fatigues came in. Eve jumped up. “I’m sorry, I can’t talk more now.”

  “I understand.”

  Confused and torn, Eve started to walk away, but Ani’s voice stopped her. “Would you like to talk some later?”

  She turned long enough to say, “Yes, I would. I guess I have a few things I need to say. Hang around. We close in a bit over an hour.”

  She went back to the kitchen, and just in time. It was shift change at the base, and it was her good fortune so far to be counted as a quick, reliable and affordable source of a meal. She’d set her closing time just late enough to allow those so-minded to get in without feeling rushed.

  Two more parties of six promptly arrived. They drained the existing pot of chowder, but fortunately the seafood blend was all that was left to go in the fresh one. In a matter of minutes she was ladling from that one while supervising the prep of another base favorite, fried egg sandwiches on a locally made stone wheat bread, with the lemon-lime carrot salad Bennie had been making.

  When she could, she peeked out into the dining room to see that Ani was eating her meal. She had always eaten with gusto, and today was no different. She drained the crock to the bottom and, Tonk-like, seemed to be looking around for more. How could she be so familiar and so dear? It really wasn’t fair that all the things Eve had been initially smitten by were still there, still charming, still attractive. Unfair, unfair, unfair.

  She had not envisioned a time when Ani would see the restaurant, be sitting in it. It was the one thing she’d done that didn’t remind her of Ani, and now it would. Another reason to be upset, she told herself. Another reason to make sure she doesn’t stay.

  The other good reason not to repeat that long, heartfelt hug walked in the door. Predictably, the tables of soldiers thought Ani’s girlfriend was great eye candy. A lot of good-natured slugging went on between the male and female soldiers. Eve got a clear look at Ani’s girlfriend’s face as one of the female soldiers said loudly, “For crissakes, get your tongue out of my food!”

  The retort in reply was, “Only if you get yours out of mine!”

  The woman smiled, but ignored the banter. She said something to Ani as she sat down across from her. Whatever it was, it made Ani laugh, and that laugh took Eve right back to a hundred nights. They’d been so right for each other that she’d stopped foreseeing any future without Ani. She’d really thought Ani wanted the same thing. Well, Ani had moved on, obviously, and now Eve could, too. Okay, she was upset and annoyed and relieved that Ani wasn’t dead in a ditch. Relief wasn’t the same as love.

  Ani laughed again and it became clear to Eve that she’d been in denial that sex had ever been important to her. The constant refrain from “I Will Survive” that ran through the heads of jilted women had been instantly drowned out by Ani’s laugh. She hadn’t changed the locks, and what had walked out the door had come back and no sex for three years was making Ani look far too good. She should have slept around, found someone else with great kisses.

  Eve made herself concentrate on her food prep. The orders took on variety, which helped
. She was pretty sure the seared pineapple and chicken on field greens was for Ani’s girlfriend. She made it the best damned salad to ever come out of her kitchen.

  The soldiers gradually left and the restaurant entered its winding down phase. Saffron stacked a last set of dishes in the overflowing utility area. “So who’s the cute girl you were hugging?”

  “Old girlfriend,” Eve answered. She began the wearying job of scraping down the grills.

  “She was really sweet. Gave me a nice tip, even though I didn’t bring her the food. Outie—see you tomorrow!”

  Bennie tossed his apron into the hamper, grabbed his keys and headed for his night at his usual restaurant job. “It’s been grand. Always nice to leave before the big dishes.”

  To Eve’s great relief, the dishwasher arrived within minutes, apologizing for having had to cancel most of his shift, but not wanting to leave her completely in the lurch. “I’ll have this all finished up in about an hour. Kid’s okay, just real shook up. Got clotheslined in P.E.”

  “It’s okay,” Eve assured him. She was lucky that so far her staff had proven well-intentioned and mostly reliable. She might have had to have spent the next two hours on the dishes herself, and her legs were weary enough with the constant rocking back and forth that cooking required.

  The door chimed and Eve peered out—they were officially closed. Saffron had forgotten to lock it, obviously. She was surprised to see Tan, and even more surprised at the buff jeans and rugby shirt, a far cry from her usual rotation of tailored suits behind the desk at GlacierPort.

  Tan joined the only customers left, Ani and her girlfriend, with an ease that meant that she, too, had already known Ani was back in town. Great—another pang of hurt, another wave of wondering why she let herself care. What truly annoyed her was that she didn’t know how she really felt—she felt so many things and so far waiting for one feeling to emerge the winner wasn’t working. An hour ago her life had been clear and the path to the future planned. Now she was fighting back what-ifs and maybes and if-onlies, and that didn’t make any sense. The sweaty palms and dry mouth didn’t make any sense either. What could Ani possibly mean to her after three years without a word?

  She banged pots around until she felt physically somewhat calmer. The clamor in her head hadn’t abated one bit.

  When she couldn’t put it off any longer, she took off her apron, shook the wrinkles out of her blouse and checked her reflection one last time. Not one iota of her makeup from this morning was left and she’d learned from experience that a quick touch-up after cooking food all day turned into blotches.

  As she emerged through the swinging kitchen door, she called, “Can I get anyone something to drink?” She poured herself a large glass of iced tea.

  There were various assertions that everyone was fine, so Eve carried her glass to the booth.

  Ani immediately made introductions. “Eve, this is my friend Lisa.”

  Eve sat down opposite Tan, which was next to Ani, after an exchange of pleasantries. Lisa was even more gorgeous up close. She was also older than Eve had thought, maybe even older than Ani, but it wasn’t as if it detracted from an overall very nice package. She was still younger than Eve by probably a couple of years, and way, way sexier.

  “We were just talking about where to hike this weekend,” Lisa explained.

  “There’s a choice besides the Naomi?” Eve gave Ani a half-amused look. She realized with Tan and Lisa around, she couldn’t say any of the things she wanted. Maybe that was for the best. Lisa was real and maybe pretending there was ease between them all would be enough.

  Enough for what? Well, that wasn’t a question she felt like dwelling on at the moment.

  “No,” Ani said firmly. “We’re going up the Naomi to the Bradford access, then back around by the south buckle.”

  “Don’t bother renting gear,” Tan said. “If I go with you, I can sign it out and the fees are a fraction of the outfitters.”

  “Great.” Lisa leaned in so as to catch what Tan was saying. “I could tell you’d be an asset.”

  A crease formed between Eve’s eyebrows. Lisa was quite the flirt. Ani didn’t seem to mind, so Eve tried not to mind on her behalf. It was no business of hers. She was not responsible for protecting Ani, and certainly Ani had shown that she didn’t think protecting Eve was important. “I hope you both enjoy your time here. It’s been a pretty and mild summer so far.”

  “It was a complete fluke that we made the trip,” Lisa said. “The bar had to redo itself, inside and out.”

  Lisa chattered about work while Eve fought a rising sense of tension. Ani’s leg was not quite brushing against her own, and she had only to stretch out her little finger to touch the denim she knew would be warm and soft. She knew every muscle, had so loved resting her head on Ani’s thigh after lovemaking. They were sweet and fevered, the memories she had tried to avoid for the last three years. Memories of talking a little, laughing about something, seeing if perhaps more was wanted in the easy way they’d always had…

  She snapped back to the conversation as Ani said, “So I could take that opportunity. It was really great of her to arrange an introduction.”

  Tan grinned. “I’ve seen photos of that part of Norway and it’s practically a banana belt compared to here, but it’s really remote. You could probably get a visa to cross the border into Russia, too. The town is just about as close as you can get, and it’s not that far to St. Petersburg.”

  Ani smiled as she shrugged. “It’s possible someone whose surname is shared with the largest lake in Russia might get a visa, but I’m almost afraid to inquire. My father never talked about his affiliations, but he left for some reason, and in a hurry.”

  “He probably spoke his mind about something back in the days when you just didn’t do that.” Tan leaned back in her seat. “You know, I could use some water. Don’t get up, Eve. I can figure it out.”

  “It was really great of Monica to work that out for me. I was very foolish not getting in touch with her.”

  Eve wanted to demand, “What about getting in touch with me?” She stared at her iced tea.

  Lisa seemed determined to be cheerful. “Well, you’re at the North Pole now, and it only took three planes and eighteen hours in the air.”

  “I’m glad I was here,” Eve said. She thought it might do Ani good to realize that she hadn’t been sitting around waiting for her. “I nearly left on a cruise this morning.”

  “What cruise?” Tan reclaimed her seat.

  “The one that Monica’s friend couldn’t go on at the last minute. She called me yesterday afternoon to ask if I wanted to go. It wouldn’t have cost much at all, but there was no way I could get away from work, not with my chef getting married.”

  Tan looked confused. “She called you about a cruise?”

  “She didn’t mention it to you?” Eve found that very odd, and was sorry she’d brought it up. “It was a lesbian cruise, leaving from Seattle.”

  “She didn’t say anything, no.”

  “It’s possible someone else grabbed it. I had to decide then and there.”

  “And if you’d accepted,” Lisa asked carefully, “you’d have been long gone this afternoon?”

  “Sure. On the high seas for a week.”

  “What a shame you missed out.” Ani’s voice was low and guarded.

  Lisa seemed stuck on the finer points of the matter. “She called yesterday afternoon? That was before we even got into town.”

  “What’s that got to do with it?”

  “You told her we were coming, right?” Lisa gave Tan an uncomplicated, but curious look.

  “Sure, right after Ani called in the morning.”

  Lisa turned her gaze to Ani. “When we ran into Monica last night, she didn’t seem surprised. It seemed as if she was working late, and realized we were out on the glacier, didn’t it?”

  Great, Eve thought, she’s already taken Lisa dancing on the glacier. She’ll probably take her on the riverboat, too
. Eve tried to rise above the desire to hope it was Ani who got food poisoning this time.

  “I’m sure she didn’t—”

  Lisa shushed her. “Let me think.”

  Ani gave Tan an apologetic look. “Monica reminds Lisa of her ex. Therefore, she’s been trying to hang all her ex’s faults on Monica.”

  “The way I see it,” Lisa said defensively, “is that the moment she found out you were in town, she tried to hustle Eve out of the way. Why is that?”

  Ani shrugged. “Maybe she was protecting Eve. Didn’t want her to get upset about the past, now that they’re together.”

  Eve’s jaw dropped. “Where did you get that idea?”

  “It said so in the paper.”

  “It said no such thing!”

  “It said you were partners.”

  Eve let out an exasperated sigh. “This is Alaska. Up here partner means in business together.” Eve almost added something more scathing but Ani was already pale. “Down in Florida maybe it means something different, but not here.”

  “But she didn’t deny it,” Ani blurted out.

  “TBE,” Lisa said, which made no sense to Eve. “TBE, I’m telling you.” To Tan’s inquiring look, she said, “The Bitch Ex. Took me forever to figure out she would always put herself first and tell anyone anything to stay first.”

  Tan frowned. “Monica’s a savvy politician, but she’s not sociopathic.”

  “Tell me this.” Lisa spread her hands out on the table. “When did Ani take the notes?”

  Ani spluttered, “That’s not—”

  “Shut up. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong.” She turned an inquiring look on Eve. “When did Ani take the notes?”

  “I know exactly what everybody else knows. She took them right after the accident.” Eve couldn’t keep an edge of bitterness out of her voice. “If there’s something else to know, nobody was talking to me.”

  “I know,” Lisa said. “She’s an idiot, but that’s not the point.”

  Ani made an incoherent noise.

  Tan said carefully, “The notes went missing out on the glacier, and Ani was suspected because everyone else had been searched. When they were discovered, and completely ruined, Ani was thought to have done it to hide her original theft. Nobody has ever suggested an alternative theory.” She fixed her gaze on Ani. “And I thought it strange then, that while other people were saying you took them right after the accident, you denied it, yet it was obvious you were involved. But Monica never said anything about the notebook at the accident site, either. She only said that you had taken them, and now they were destroyed. I have always found her to be very precise in her choice of words.”