Hard Hats

by Neil Plakcy

  Safely back at home, Eric lost no time putting the disc into the player. He settled back onto his couch and got comfortable. He had his jeans shoved down and his engorged cock in his hand before the opening credits had even finished.

  The film lost no time getting to the sex, which was fine with Eric. If he’d wanted a plot, he would have rented Casablanca. On-screen, a man in maybe his late twenties (slightly younger than Eric) was vacuuming his apartment when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, he found a brown-uniformed delivery man standing there.

  “I’ve got a package for you,” the man said in a horribly stilted voice. Acting was not the guy’s strong suit, apparently. Eric didn’t care. He just wanted to jerk off watching some hot fucking. He began pumping his cock in anticipation of what was to come.

  The apartment dweller eyed the man’s crotch lasciviously. “You sure do!”

  Seconds later the door was shut firmly behind them and the delivery man was groaning as the other guy deep-throated his nine-inch dick.

  Eric came before the bad porno music had even begun.

  He returned to Nighthawks Video the next day and purchased a DVD entitled Kentucky Bone and the Temple of Cock. It purported to be a spoof of the Indiana Jones movies but ended up not even being good on a camp level. The sex, what there was in it, was badly lit and the actors really didn’t seem to be at all interested in what they were doing. The guy playing archaeologist Kentucky Bone was particularly bad. In one scene, where he was butt fucking his native bearer, the guy had a distant look on his face, like he was thinking about what he was going to have for dinner. The hot man bucking underneath him seemed a mere side note. Eric turned the movie off in disgust. Within an hour he was back at Nighthawks.

  This time he came away with two films from the 1970s. One of the actors on the cover caught his eye and he thought he’d give it a try. The other he bought simply as a precaution. He didn’t want to return for a third time in one day if he ended up with another disappointment like Kentucky Bone.

  He needn’t have worried. Within minutes he had a crush on the star. Checking the box, he found the actor’s name was Kip Noll. Luckily Noll was in both 70s DVDs he’d purchased. Eric jacked off six times before going to bed.

  During the next few weeks, he bought every 70s porn film he could find, especially if they had Kip Noll in the cast. He rushed home from work every day to jump onto the couch and grab the remote. Eric wasn’t sure what it was about that decade’s porn that fascinated him; maybe it was the innocence of the time. AIDS had yet to rear its ugly head, so fucking seemed so much more spontaneous. Sure, the videos were often poorly lit, had horrible camera work, and boasted the worst acting on the planet, but they made Eric forget getting unceremoniously dumped. After Kip Noll his second favorite was Jon King. He wondered briefly if they were still alive and what they were doing nowadays. He toyed with the idea of looking them up on the Internet but decided against it. He didn’t care what had happened to them after their porn careers. They were alive and young for him on the screen and that was all that mattered.

  Having become a regular at Nighthawks, Eric no longer slunk around between the aisles. He strode in with his head high and waved a cheery hello to Max, the guy who always seemed to be behind the cash register. Max often suggested movies for Eric to purchase.

  They even chatted about their favorite scenes in the films. Max noticed a pattern in what Eric enjoyed most. “You like those chance encounters,” he said, nodding. “You know, the plumber comes and fixes more than just the pipes, the carpenter uses the tape measure to measure more than just wood, or the pizza guy delivers more than just a pie. That happened to me once. For real, I mean.”

  Eric’s eyes widened in amazement. “You’re kidding?”

  Max grinned at the memory. “Kid came to the door bearing the pizza. He was just too hot for words. I gave him a hefty tip, looking hard into his eyes the whole time. He set the pizza aside and gave me his hefty tip. He fucked me in more positions than I knew existed.” A frown crossed Max’s brow. “Pizza was cold when we were done, though.”

  That evening Eric ordered a pizza.

  He envisioned opening the door and seeing Jon King standing there with a pie in hand and a huge bulge straining to escape his tight jeans. When the doorbell actually rang, Eric rushed to the door.

  The young girl who brought his pizza in no way resembled Jon King, although she did have a slight mustache.

  Over the next few weeks, Eric tried everything he could think of to get his porno fantasies to come to life. He called in electricians to put in new lighting fixtures. He had cable installed. The cable guy was quite a fox and seemed a nice guy, but he had been totally oblivious to the overtures Eric made. Eric hovered around as the guy worked, licking his lips in what he thought was a seductive manner and finding excuses to rub a hand over his crotch. Nothing worked. The cable guy left after smiling broadly to Eric and wishing him a pleasant day.

  Eric thought he’d struck gold the night he’d ordered his sixteenth pizza in a row. The delivery boy was in his early twenties and had that hungry I-really-need-the-money look to him. He wasn’t Eric’s ideal, having a bit too much of the skater-punk look to him, but he would do. Eric took the pizza, fixed the boy with a steady look, and put a twenty dollar tip into his hands.

  The boy’s eyes lit up. “Hey, thanks, dude!” He began to retreat.

  Eric took a step forward, saying, “Wait a minute. Isn’t there something you want to give me in return?”

  The kid thought a moment. “Did you order bread sticks too?”

  After the delivery boy was safely gone, a frustrated Eric put the pizza aside and paced around the living room. These scenarios worked for guys in the porno films. They even worked for Max. Why couldn’t they work for him? The more he thought about it, the angrier he became. Was it too much to ask to have one of his fantasies come true? After all, he’d suffered enough from his breakup with Mike. Didn’t he deserve a little pleasure?

  Eric went into the bathroom, intending to splash some water on his face in an effort to calm down. Standing before the freestanding sink, however, he found his fury only deepening. He got only as far as turning on the taps when he found he couldn’t take it any longer. He growled and kicked out his left leg angrily in an attempt to vent some of his frustration. Unfortunately the kick connected with the bottom of the sink, which separated from the wall by nearly an inch with a sickening crash. The pipe under the sink burst, sending forth a spray of water that hit Eric right in the face.

  Sputtering, Eric sat on the floor, dejected. “Ah, shit,” he said aloud.

  While Eric waited for the plumber to arrive, he popped in a porno film and began to whack off. There was no use pursuing his dream of a porn scene coming to life. Those things never really happened. Max had most likely been fibbing about his experience. No, the closest Eric would come to having a hunky carpenter nail his ass would be through watching Nailing Studs or, one of his personal favorites, Hammer My Ass.

  Eric was getting close to his climax when a loud knock sounded at the door. “Shit,” he muttered, shoving his swollen cock back into his underwear. He took his time pulling his jeans back up and doing up his fly. After all, the plumber would end up being some out-of-shape, grizzled straight guy who would have no more interest in fulfilling one of Eric’s fantasies than any of the other carpenters, cable installers, or electricians that Eric had called over the past several weeks.

  “Coming,” he said without enthusiasm in response to the second knock on the door. He opened it and his mouth fell open.

  Standing there, wearing the blue uniform of Caspian Heating and Plumbing, stood a young man who bore more than a passing resemblance to Kip Noll. Eric found himself looking for the man’s name on the patch over his right pec, half expecting to see KIP written there in red. The name there was JED.

  Jed smiled and said, “You’re having some problem with your bathroom sink, I understand.”

  Eric realized he was st
aring. He gulped and managed to force some words out. “Yeah. Had a bit of an accident. I sort of knocked the whole damn thing off the wall.”

  “It’s easily done. If you’ll show me the way, I can check out the damage and give you an idea of what we’re dealing with here.”

  It was several moments before Eric realized he hadn’t ushered the plumber inside. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry. Please come in. I just wasn’t expecting…”

  “Someone this young?” Jed finished. There was no animosity in his tone. “I get that all the time. I’m older than I look. Honestly. Usually I work with a partner, but he’s out with the flu, so you just get me. I can take care of your problem, though. Don’t worry about that.”

  Eric tried not to look at Jed’s crotch. He bit his lip and tried to stare at a spot on the far wall. It didn’t work. His eyes wandered and eventually lit on the plumber’s hip area. Eric blinked. Did he see a bulge there? He did. He was sure of it. It wasn’t the type of bulge caused by a very large but limp cock, either. This was a full-blown bulge. Eric could even see the outline of the head of Jed’s dick showing plainly through the fabric of his blue pants.

  Eric shook his head. He was imagining things. He had to be.

  “Care to show me where the problem is?” the plumber asked.

  He even sounded like a young Kip Noll. After Eric realized a question had been asked, he blurted out, “Right down the hall here.” He led the way, trying to control his breathing. Just show the guy the bathroom and get out of his hair, Eric told himself. He’s not interested in your porno fantasies or your Kip Noll obsession.

  Jed nodded when he saw the damage Eric’s outburst had caused. “This isn’t bad. I can fix this in a jiffy. You’ve got the water valve turned off, I see.”

  “Well, yeah,” Eric said, blushing in embarrassment. “Otherwise I’d have drowned by now.”

  The plumber set his toolbox down. He got down on his haunches and looked under the sink. “Piece of cake, this. I’ve seen this happen all the time. The job will go quicker, though, if you wouldn’t mind helping out a little.”

  Eric blinked. “What would you like me to do?”

  “If you could hold the sink up so that it’s back against the wall again, that would be great.”

  Eric did as instructed, trying not to look down at the plumber’s splayed legs. Jed shifted around so his head was under the sink. Eric heard some metal on metal as Jed worked a wrench around the water pipe. “This won’t be difficult at all. Just have to reattach the sink to the wall, replace this bit here, and we’re all set.”

  “Just let me know whatever I can do to help,” Eric said. His voice sounded small, even to him. He hoped the plumber was oblivious to his nervousness.

  “Actually,” Jed said, setting the wrench down on the tiled floor, “if you could come down here and hold the sink up from the bottom, I’ll be able to get a better look at the situation.”

  There wasn’t a lot of room in the bathroom, so Eric moved a little awkwardly. He chuckled uneasily as he squatted down next to Jed. He managed to keep the sink in place, but being so close to the hot plumber caused a thin line of sweat to form on Eric’s brow. “How’s this?” he asked.

  Jed raised his head a little. “You can let go of the sink, actually. It’s not like it’s going to fall completely off the wall or anything like that.”

  Eric slowly released his hold. The sink slid once again away from the wall a few inches, held by the pipes. Jed was right. While it looked precariously askew from its normal position, it was obvious the sink wasn’t actually going anywhere. Eric bit his lip and gave a tiny shrug. “What is it I can do to help, then? I don’t really know anything about plumbing.”

  Jed smiled up at him. “You don’t need to.” He was stretched out on the bathroom floor with his work boots pressed against the wall. His head was nearly touching the opposite wall. Eric thought it looked terribly uncomfortable, but the plumber seemed totally at ease. In fact, he brushed a hand down his pants in what seemed a leisurely fashion. The action seemed innocent, but in pushing down the fabric of his pants, Jed’s crotch became accentuated. Eric could plainly see the outline of Jed’s cock through his pants. Instinctively he licked his lips. It was one hell of a nice-looking bulge.

  Eric shook his head to dispel any thoughts of Jed’s privates. “You want me to just hand tools to you or something?” he asked.

  Jed laughed, his eyes twinkling. “I don’t really need you here at all. This is such a simple job I could do it blindfolded.”

  “I don’t understand, then. You said the job would go quicker if I helped out.”

  The plumber ran his hand over his crotch again, this time slower and more deliberately. “I don’t really need help with the work. I just meant it’s been a long day and I could use some relaxation before tackling another job.”

  Eric started to speak, but no words came out. He tried a second time but only managed to say, “What?”

  Jed grinned and took hold of Eric’s hand. “Sheesh, do I have to spell it out? I’m all wired and tense and could use some release.” He took Eric’s hand and placed it over his crotch. “I was hoping you could help out by sucking my dick.”

  Eric wanted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but he didn’t want to remove his hand from Jed’s lap. He could feel Jed’s hardening dick through the fabric.

  In his head he could almost hear the wonka-wonka strains of 70s porn music. “You want me to…”

  “If you wouldn’t mind. Honestly, it will make the work go so much faster. I’ll be able to concentrate, and…”

  Eric didn’t need to hear anything else. He quickly undid the thin brown belt and unzipped Jed’s pants. Jed helped out, shoving his underwear down, allowing his thick cock to flop out in all its glory. Eric barely paused for breath. He swallowed Jed’s cock in one swift motion. With a sharp intake of breath, Jed raised his hips slightly off the floor. His fingers tangled themselves in Eric’s hair.

  “Oh, man,” he said, groaning, “you know how to suck a cock.”

  Eric took his lips off the plumber long enough to run his tongue up and down the length of Jed’s shaft. He glanced up to Jed’s face long enough to make sure he hadn’t invented the guy’s looks in his head. No, Jed looked every inch the young California dude, complete with sun-bleached curly hair and weathered skin. Eric went back to bobbing up and down on Jed’s dick, not believing his luck. Finally, after he’d given up all hope, his porno fantasy was actually coming true. Not only was he sucking the dick of a hot plumber, the guy even resembled one of his favorite stars. The only thing missing was the cliché language so prevalent in the porn films of that time. The “surfer guy” talk that nearly all of them used would make the picture complete.

  “Oh, man,” Jed murmured after emitting a long moan. “Yeah, suck that dick. Oh, dude, that feels so good!”

  Dude! He said dude! Eric’s heart began to race. He let Jed’s cock slip out of his mouth so that he could attack the young man’s balls with his tongue. He slurped one hairy testicle into his mouth and felt Jed tense as the shock of pleasure ran through his body.

  “Fuck, yeah!” The plumber squirmed and his fingers tightened, tugging slightly at Eric’s hair. “You’re driving me crazy!”

  Eric gave a final loving suck to Jed’s testicle before releasing it. He ran his tongue back up the rock-hard prick and resumed the blow job. Jed began to lift his hips to meet Eric’s hungry mouth. They worked as one, Eric’s mouth taking in Jed’s meat with increasing speed as the plumber bucked beneath him. They reached a fever pitch and Jed’s hands held Eric’s head in place as the plumber began to face-fuck Eric with a savage intensity. Eric could feel the thick cock begin to throb. He knew Jed was about to spill his sweet juice. Finally with one last thrust of his hips Jed groaned. Eric kept his mouth tight around the base of the plumber’s cock and was rewarded as a huge wad shot down his throat.

  Only when the last drop had drained from his balls did Jed relinquish his ho
ld on Eric’s hair. He groaned and laughed at the same time. Eric looked up to see the pleasure in Jed’s face. “How was that?” he asked.

  The plumber chuckled. “Do you have to ask? It was fan-fucking-tastic, that’s what it was. Just what I needed.”

  Eric wiped his hand across his mouth. “It was a dream come true for me, let me tell you.”

  Jed raised up on his elbows. “I feel bad, though, dude. You haven’t gotten off.”

  Shrugging, Eric replied, “It doesn’t matter. I’ve been wanting something like this to happen for so long that…”

  The plumber picked up his wrench. “Hey, dude. You’re my last job of the night. Give me a few minutes and we can have another go. I’ll get this sink back in place and we can give it the Test.”

  “The Test?”

  Jed smiled. “Yeah. That’s where you bend over it, gripping the sides, and I fuck your sweet ass so hard that neighboring states will complain. If it holds up to that, we know the job’s done correctly. Am I right?”

  Eric nodded, unable to keep the grin off his face. He fished around in the plumber’s toolbox, hauling out as many tools as he could grab. “Just tell me what you need. After all, we want to make sure we use the right tools for the job…”

  Jed laughed. “You’ve got that right.”

  “Come to think of it,” Eric said as the plumber began to work on the sink in earnest, “I think I’ve got some other problems that need fixing. The bathtub has a slow drain, and the kitchen sink leaks every now and then, and…”

  The plumber raised his eyebrows. “Sounds like this might take several nights.”

  “It might at that.”

  “Good,” Jed said with a smile. “Our company likes the customer to be satisfied, so whatever you need, I’m here to take care of it.”

  Eric’s DVD collection went untouched for weeks.

  LIVE-WIRE DELTA