Harley frowned. “I don’t understand,” she said.
“Well for instance, that Jedi costume Chris was wearing last Halloween. Brian was a big fan, a huge fan of Star Wars. We have memorabilia all over the house. The kids remind me of Brian, we eat the same meals I used to prepare for him, I still maintain my car the way he would want me to. I think of him in ongoing terms. Not his death or how awful it was. The shock put me in early labor. I have gory details, horrible memories of what it was like to learn of it, that sort of thing. I doubt you want to hear it.”
“What happens when you talk about it?” Harley asked, really needing to know.
“I want to curl up in a ball and die,” Anna said.
Harley slipped her hand into Anna’s and they walked together holding on to each other as Anna talked about the good memories she had, able to move on with her life, raise her children alone, visit her friends during the holidays. She made it clear she’d never forget about Brian.
“Signing on to LoveMatch was at the urging of my sisters.”
“Sisters can be persuasive,” Harley said.
“Yes they can be,” Anna said. “It’s only been in the past six months or so that I’ve felt like I could even think about dating again. The children’s wellbeing made me wonder if going out on a date was worth upsetting the apple cart.”
Harley asked, “So when do you want to meet the family?”
“What’s the story?” Anna asked. “Sorry. I usually can’t stand it when people answer a question with a question.”
“That’s okay,” Harley said. “The story is that you and I are friends. My sister-in-law, the one I grew up with who married Jason’s brother, is also an art teacher, so I think we’ll use her.”
“Does she know what you’re up to?” Anna asked.
“Yes, she was there at the beginning,” Harley said. “Actually, I just remembered it was her idea. Scary, isn’t it?”
The women walked in a loop, chatting. Harley looked at her watch. “I guess I better head home. Jason took the week off so he might be wondering where I am.”
“Thank you for meeting with me,” Anna said. “I really enjoyed it.”
“Me, too,” Harley said. “It was a little rough at the beginning. Too much reality I think.”
Anna laughed. “I could tell you might be wondering if you’d made a right decision.”
“More like wondering if I’d lost my mind is more like it,” Harley said. “Facing my own death comes in waves and reality was cresting when I pulled up here, knowing what we are planning. It’s better now; I’m down in a trough.”
Without warning, Anna embraced Harley. “I guess that’s the only time being down is good.”
“Yes,” Harley replied, returning the embrace. “We’ll talk soon and plan a time to get together when your children can come and meet mine. And you can meet Jason.”
“It’s a little unnerving,” Anna said.
“Why? Because he’s so handsome?” Harley asked.
“Yes, that too,” Anna answered. “But because it’s sort of dishonest.”
A hot flash cruised through Harley’s body, Anna’s words stinging. She made an effort not to respond defensively. “Well, try not to look at it that way. We can’t force him to do anything, but I want to help the effort along. Call me a control freak.”
“Not you,” Anna quickly corrected. “Me. I’m afraid if this went anywhere he might resent it, feeling like I manipulated him.”
Seeing her point, Harley thought for a moment. “If everything works out with the kids, I can write a letter of introduction for you to give Jason. Does that sound too hokey? Then everything can be out in the open after I die.”
Confident that Bea would keep her secret from Jason, the possibility existed that Dave might slip and tell him. The more women Harley contacted, the greater exposure became. Maybe Anna and Kathy should be the only women contacted. The idea she shouldn’t interview more candidates was disheartening.
“A letter of introduction is an idea,” Anna said, dubious.
Reaching the parking lot, the women embraced again. Anna could feel the discrepancy in Harley’s body even though she’d layered a coat with a bulky sweater against the cold. The knowledge filled her with compassion, the reality of what they were doing transparent. This woman was dying for real and the worry about what would happen to her daughters consuming all her energy. Anna wanted to ask why she didn’t just trust Jason to do the right thing if he was such a great husband and father.
“Harley, don’t you think you can rely on Jason to make sure the girls are safe? From what you’ve said, he seems like a very conscientious father.”
Harley gently pulled away from Anna, looking down at the ground. The gravel was dotted with broken glass, and she kicked a piece of it around while she formulated her words, not wanting to betray Jason, or make him look bad.
“I do trust him with the girls. What I don’t trust are the wolves out there.” She had another hot flash thinking of Tiffany. “I know he’s faithful and honest, but there are a few women who are circling like vultures waiting for my demise and I don’t see them as mother-substitutes.”
“So you’re worried when the time comes that he’ll be too exhausted to fight them off?” Anna asked.
“Yes, sadly to say, that’s about it.”
Anna didn’t tell Harley, but she understood the situation because it had happened to her when Brian died. A casual work friend of his put the moves on Anna a week after the funeral. As a last resort, she had to ask her father to chase him off, with phrases like restraining order and call the boss brandished about.
“Something tells me you might be underestimating his love for you,” Anna said, as gently as she could.
“I know he does, I really do. But I also know how persuasive the woman I’m concerned about is.”
“So there is someone already,” Anna replied, failing to keep the disgust out of her voice.
Harley sighed. “Yes, unfortunately.”
“What’s so great about her?” Anna asked.
“She’s your typical nightmare; early twenties, big boobs, no filter.”
“Ugh. I know just the type. Well, you don’t have to worry about her, Harley. There’s nothing you can do about her.”
“I know, that’s what’s so scary about this. That’s why I need to do what I’m doing.”
“You should probably get in the car,” Anna said. “I can feel the temperature dropping.”
Harley did as she suggested and they chatted through her open window for a few more minutes, making plans for her to drive to Jason and Harley’s house the next weekend. “I’ll invite Bea, too,” Harley said, watching Anna carefully when she wasn’t aware of it, wanting to be able to tell Bea what she looked like.
After school was out that day, Harley called Bea as soon as the girls were settled. “Can you talk? Because I think everyone is at home with their feet up, eating bonbons like I am.”
“For you, I’m free,” Bea said, multitasking. “I put a hunk of something frozen in the crockpot this morning and now the house is permeated with onions and garlic. How’d the coffee meeting go?”
“Well, you know I never asked her where her kid’s father was.”
“You didn’t? Where is he?”
“Dead. Six years now,” Harley answered. She explained the details while Bea commiserated.
“Sad that the little boy doesn’t know the father,” she said.
“Yes, well he’s been gone long enough that I don’t feel like it would be a burden for Jason. I invited her over Saturday. She’s an art teacher, too so you’re my reason for having her over.”
The women talked a while longer before Harley begged off. Exhaustion was setting in and she wanted to rest for a bit before dinner, but it wasn’t to be because Devon needed help.
“Mommy, I have homework tonight,” Devon said.
“You do? What kind?”
“Spelling,” she said, climbing into the recliner
with Harley.
Ten minutes later, Devon’s workbook was finished and cuddling, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
“Harley, Harley,” Jason whispered, not wanting to startle her. Opening her eyes, the discombobulation of a deep afternoon nap prevented her from fully grasping where she was, at first. But the worried gaze of Bennie standing behind him, and an unfamiliar face in a white coat looming at the end of the bed, Harley quickly figured out she was in the hospital.
“You’re kidding me,” she said.
“Before you get all huffy, just hear me out,” Jason started.
“Mom, we couldn’t wake you up. We thought you were…gone,” Bennie said, bursting into tears.
“Well obviously I’m not,” she said, reaching down for Bennie’s hand.
“I’d like to keep you around for a few days, just for testing,” the doctor said.
“No way,” Harley said, sitting up. She felt fine, a little woozy as usual when she first woke up. “Where am I anyway?”
Jason gave her the name of the local community hospital.
“I would feel safer if you stayed,” Jason said.
“Well I wouldn’t,” Harley replied, pushing him out of the way. “What time is it? Poor Devi.”
“It’s just seven,” Jason said, looking at the doctor. “I told you she wouldn’t want to stay.”
“What’s the point?” she asked. “I’m dying, we all know that. I’m sorry Bennie. But I want to be at home with my family. Let me sleep if you can’t wake me up, for god’s sake.”
“It wasn’t like that,” Bennie pleaded. “You were out cold.”
“I got on the couch with Devon at five. If it’s only seven, you didn’t give me much time. How long have I been here?”
“About a half an hour. You slept through an ambulance ride.”
“Oh lord, you’re kidding me? Let me outta here before my girls think I’m not coming back.” They stood aside as she slid off the bed, checking her appearance in the mirror. “I’ll never get used to not having hair.
“You’ll need to sign some papers,” the doctor said.
“I’ll sign whatever you’ve got, as long as I can leave,” she replied.
They walked out to the nurse’s station together, Harley admonishing a contrite Jason while the ER admissions clerk drew up the necessary discharge papers.
Holding both their hands, Harley insisted she walk to the car in spite of the freezing temps. “It’s winter,” she said. “I have always loved the winter.”
“You love every season, Mom,” Bennie said.
They got inside the car and Jason started it up, putting the heat on full blast. “The car never even got a chance to cool off,” Harley said. “I guess I’m glad this happened because it will help me set some ground rules for what I want. I don’t want to go the hospital. Ever. I’ll call hospice tomorrow and get them involved. When the time comes, you call them, not the ambulance. If it gets to be too much for you, then and only then send me off. If you don’t like this idea, we can figure out something else. I can go to my mother’s house.”
No one spoke for a minute or two until Bennie finally agreed. “I want you home, too, Mom. We just got scared.”
“I was afraid something was wrong,” Jason said, contrite. “I mean, more wrong than usual.”
“I think somnolence isn’t uncommon. I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open during dinner on Thanksgiving.”
“This was more like narcolepsy,” Jason said. “I was afraid you’d stop breathing for good.” He leaned in closer to her. “You were cheyne stoking, baby.”
“Dad, I know what that is,” Bennie said. “You don’t have to protect me.”
“Well clearly it wasn’t cheyne stokes,” Harley said, trying to keep it light but serious. “I’m not that bad, yet. As macabre as it is, I’m glad we’re able to talk about it openly. I never wanted anything like this for my kids. Growing up with my dad was hard enough and my parents did everything they could to normalize it for us. But I think we can make the best of it.”
“I just hate it,” Bennie said.
“Me, too,” Jason said, his voice cracking.
“Yeah, I hear ya,” Harley said.
The house was just ahead, Fran’s car in the driveway. “Oh no, you didn’t call Fran.”
“My dad probably called. Remember, he was here working on the basement with me.”
“Oh, right.” Harley hated that her health had forced the family into worrying about her, but there didn’t seem to be a way around it.
Leaving the car out of the garage, they huddled around Harley and trudged up the walkway together, the family crowding at the door as soon as they heard the car pull up. Devon’s smile beamed, oblivious to any concerns. “Mommy’s home!”
“We’re so glad you’re home,” Fran said, patting her, Joe looking on concerned, Tina pale, Angie relieved.
Harley pulled Tina over and hugged her. “False alarm. I think the last round of chemo just wore me down. I’m starving,” she lied. “Do I smell dinner?”
“Let’s eat,” Fran said. “Angie saved the day by pulling the ribs out of the oven in the nick of time.”
“Ribs?” Jason asked.
“Just for you,” Harley said.
“I can’t look a turkey in the eye,” Fran said. “So happy we aren’t eating turkey again.”
The family laughed, a tragedy narrowly averted.
Having Jason home that week wasn’t so bad after all. They copied the weekend routine of Jason going out to get Harley a cappuccino and having a leisurely morning together after the girls left for school. At ten, Joe arrived and the men would disappear into the basement.
“I’m coming down to see what progress you’ve made,” she called from the top of the steps.
“No, don’t do that,” Jason replied. “You should see it when it’s further along. Right now it’s just a big mess.”
Wandering around the house at loose ends, Harley thought of Kathy Agin and keyed in her number.
“Hi Harley,” she answered, recognizing the number. “I was thinking about you.”
“That’s so nice,” she replied. “I was wondering how we can get together again. We probably won’t be coming to the shore now until next spring.” She didn’t add If I live that long, but the words lingered unspoken for a moment.
Kathy hesitated, her unspoken silence reverberating. “That is if you want to get together,” Harley continued.
“Harley, I don’t know what to say,” Kathy replied, feeling awkward. But Harley caught on right away.
“Oh. I’m so, so sorry,” Harley said, defeated.
“Honestly, I don’t think Jason’s for me,” Kathy lied. “There’s no chemistry. I can usually tell right off the bat if someone is interested. I got zero from him.”
Taken aback, Harley sputtered to reply. Taking a few, deep breaths, she realized it was okay. A reluctant participant was worthless in this endeavor and if she didn’t understand that Jason wasn’t the type of guy to give out vibes to a friend of his wife’s, it was probably better to cross Kathy Agin off the list.
“I won’t try to pretend I’m not disappointed, but I understand,” Harley replied, horribly disappointed and not understanding at all. But she decided to try to explain anyway. “Jason doesn’t really interact with my friends, it’s just his way. But thank you for your candor. Good luck!”
“Oh, Harley, you too. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Thank you for reaching out to me.” They said goodbye, Harley sad she’d never need to speak to Kathy again, feeling in a short time that they’d made a deep connection, and Kathy understanding she wouldn’t know when Harley died.
Anxious to tell Bea about the turn of events, she’d have to wait until school was out. Weeks earlier, she’d sent Bea letters for her to give to Kathy and Jason individually, and one addressed to them as a couple if they should get together. Now, there was no need for them. In the meantime, she’d visit with her sister Melissa. As long as Harley felt st
rong enough, she was going to continue going out alone.
Anna Wainwright pulled into the townhouse complex where she lived with Chris and Ainsley, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. The idea that another woman’s tragedy was responsible for her sense of optimism made her feel guilty. Getting involved in such a harebrained scheme was unlike Anna. Since Brian died, she avoided even slight imbalances in logical thinking because she was afraid one slip would send her into the abyss.
Eight-months pregnant with Chris when Brian’s accident happened, Anna had her hands full with six-year-old Ainsley, who was showing signs of mental illness already. It took every ounce of self-will she had to keep from sinking. Her family couldn’t help, her mother barely able to cope with her own life choices and her in-laws strangely detached. Never accepting that their son was gone, Brian’s death gave them the excuse to turn their backs on her. Anna was truly alone. Support came from the local church daycare center so Anna could start teaching soon after Chris was born. Putting her children first meant not acting on loneliness. Now that Chris was in school all day, Anna’s sisters nagged her about doing the internet-dating thing, but so far, it hadn’t been promising until she met Harley.
With Saturday looming in the future, she had no idea what to expect. The anxiety was starting to take a toll on her patience with the children, which she didn’t want. If she couldn’t cope with it, she’d have to beg off. Nothing was worth causing trouble for her kids. But the questions remained. Would Jason be included in the conversation with Harley and her sister-in-law, Bea?
Would Jason join in the games? Harley said the family was big on games and cards. Ainsley was a card shark and little Chris was just learning. Would they include the younger kids in the games?
By Friday she could no longer stand the stress and as soon as the kids were settled in front of the TV after dinner, she got out her phone and called Harley.
“Let me go someplace quiet,” Harley said, the racket in the background of a family horsing around unmistakable.
“I’m sorry to bother you on a Friday night,” Anna said.
“It’s fine. My sisters and their families are here for pizza and movie night and Bea and Dave just dropped in,” Harley explained. Then in whisper she said, “They’ll be back tomorrow.”
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