“Are you sure it’s safe?” Harley asked, remembering what Jason said about how nothing had happened yet.
“Not really. He actually already brought up a legal separation,” Bea said.
“No!” Harley clenched her fists on the table. “I need him to pull it together. I know this sounds selfish but I need you both, Bea. I need you especially for the girls. Should I talk to him?”
“Not yet,” Bea replied, feeling terrible that her minor marital issue was such a huge deal for Harley. “Let me work on him a little bit. I think he’s feeling taken for granted.”
Harley didn’t know what to say. The brothers were acting like children when she needed them to be tough. If Dave fell apart, wouldn’t it have a terrible effect on Jason?
“Look, let’s change the subject,” Bea whispered. “A slew of new prospects showed up last night.”
“Oh how exciting! When can we look?”
“We can do it now, before Jason and the girls get back,” Bea said, grabbing her computer off the counter.
“By the way, I’m asking Kathy to come tonight for game night.”
“Oh perfect,” Bea said. “That will really give everyone a chance to see if we can stand her.”
Harley prayed that Kathy was a good enough human being to be a substitute mother for her girls. The first anger she felt about her situation in a while spiked. Instead of spending time getting to know a new person who might end up being completely wrong for her family, she should be concentrating on each individual person.
“What’s wrong, Harley?” Bea asked. Watching Harley go through a range of emotions just then, Bea was at her side in seconds.
Taking a deep breath, Harley dismissed her response. “Ignore me,” she said adamantly. “I’m feeling sorry for myself.”
“Okay,” Bea replied. “But a little self-pity is in order.”
“Nope, I disagree. It’s too difficult to pull myself out of the hole if I allow depression in. Anger, too. Kathy isn’t a trophy for Jason. She’s someone who might make my girls’ transition into womanhood easier when I’m gone.”
The blood draining from her face, Bea felt faint. It was clear Harley had overheard Dave’s selfish outburst earlier. Choosing to ignore what he’d done, Bea would aim her focus on Harley.
“It’s a brave thing you’re doing, Harley. A noble thing. There aren’t many women who would take the time or put the energy into finding someone to…” She couldn’t bring herself to say take your place.
“Anyway, look at this profile! Before you get stuck on Kathy Agin, you need to read this lady’s story.” Bea pushed the computer across the table.
“‘Hi Jason!’” Harley read. “‘I’m a thirty-two year old registered nurse.’ Nurses are showing up in abundance on this site. ‘I have a twelve-year old daughter, Rebecca. At the present time, I live in Manyunk, but the commute to my job in town is grueling, so I’m looking to move to the Art Museum area.’ Manyunk is about five miles from the art museum. That doesn’t make much sense.”
“Maybe she works farther downtown, like at Saint Agnes,” Bea suggested. “Anyway, she works in the city. I wonder where?”
“I’ll ask,” Harley said.
“Read the rest of her profile first,” Bea said. “You’ll want to know if she skates in the roller derby for fun.” Harley chuckled.
“Right, I’ll keep reading. ‘I love the shore and try to go every weekend when the weather is nice. My ex teaches school so Rebecca stays by him in Wilmington during the summer.’ So she’s free in the summer. It would be nice for my kids not to have to deal with another kid when they’re not in school. Unless they grow to love her, then it might be a problem.”
“Is that all she says?”
“No. ‘I enjoy watching old movies, playing cards with friends and reading.’ That’s benign enough. ‘I’m in good health, exercise regularly and am careful about the food I buy for my daughter and myself.’ Ugh. I’ll ask if she’s a vegetarian.”
“What’s her name?”
“She’s signed it Felicia.”
Typing a reply, Harley put herself in Jason mode again. Bea looked at the clock. “Hurry up,” she said. “Read me what you’re sending.”
“Dear Felicia, I work in the city, as well. We have many similarities; I have four daughters from seven years of age to college. Rebecca fits right in there. What’s your nursing specialty? Are you a vegetarian?”
“You’re answering as Jason,” Bea said, frowning.
“Until I establish a few things, I don’t want to reveal too much. What if she works in our hospital?”
“That’s true.”
“Oh wow, she’s answering me already.” Harley read silently, her lips moving before she read out loud. “‘I work in the surgical ICU at Center City Medical. And I’m not a vegetarian, but I do try to buy local and organic.’” Harley stared into space.
“Now that’s a coincidence,” Bea said. “How many Jasons work at your hospital?”
“I don’t know. We’re so isolated back in the OR.”
The sound of the car pulling up ended the conversation. Bea got up from the table to grab her computer and shut the top before Jason and the girls came inside. “You better pull it together, Harley. You look like you saw a ghost.”
“I’m going through the nurses who work in the unit. I take patients up there every day, maybe hourly. I’ve got to know who she is.”
“Maybe Felicia is a pseudonym.”
“Wait, I think I know who she is!”
“Who? Hurry up, your driving me crazy,” Bea said.
“Forget it! Oh my god I have to be more careful about replying. Thankfully, I didn’t tell her my sob story. She’s the biggest gossip at Center City.”
“So she’s not in the running, I take it,” Bea said, trying not to laugh.
“No way in hell,” Harley hissed. “Kathy’s looking better and better.”
“We’re back,” Bennie called, ending the conversation about Felicia. “And do we have the goods.”
Jason brought up the rear, the girls laughter surrounding them like a cloud of glitter. “And cappuccino for my wife.”
“And apple strudel,” Devon shouted. “I get some, too.”
The activity swarmed around the island, bags of pastry, boxes of donuts, a cardboard tray of the biggest coffee cups, at least twenty-four ouncers. Jason lifted one out and handed it to Harley. “No one will nap this afternoon.”
It was the best day yet at the shore. When evening rolled around, the games came out. Disappointed, Harley watched Jason and Kathy carefully, but there was nothing to see, no chemistry evident between them and it made her sad. Kathy wasn’t there as a perspective mate, and she wasn’t putting any vibes out, either. But she and Harley were truly becoming friends.
“I’ll miss you when you go back home,” Kathy said. “And I know Laura will miss Devon. She’s all she talks about.”
“We’ll make a point of getting together soon,” Harley replied.
Sunday flew by, the girls gathering their belongings, Fran and Bea cleaning out the kitchen one last time, the men packing up the cars for home. Harley sat in the recliner, watching the activity swirling around her, feeling detached and useless, but too tired to participate. It would be the last time they’d visit until Christmas, Harley trying not to dwell on the words last time.
Chapter 19
The weekend ended up being a wash for Tiffany, who’d counted on seeing Jason on Saturday, refusing invitations to go out with her girlfriends and an admirer, another nurse from a different unit. Half way to Sea Isle when he texted her of his change of plans she started to cry. Leaving her with nothing to do now, her anger grew when he didn’t reply to her texts for the rest of the weekend.
By Monday morning, she was seething, but Jason, one up on her, was taking a weeklong emergency leave to be with Harley. The confrontation after he stood her up would never take place.
“Why aren’t you getting up?” Harley asked, coming o
ut of the bathroom. Tina had an early morning orchestra practice and would need a ride into school. Harley looked forward to being with her, they’d leave with time to spare so a stop off at Wawa was in order, Tina’s veganism a distant memory.
Yawning, Jason rolled over. “I’m staying home this week. Surprise!”
Harley went to his side of the bed and frowned, looking down at him. “Since when?”
“Since last night. I called Adam Steinberg and he said it was fine; he’d get a per diem from another facility. So you’re stuck with me all week.”
Harley plastered a smile on her face; she’d already contacted Anna about getting together for coffee. Now she’d have to explain to Jason where she was heading each time she left the house.
“Wow, how exciting! Should we plan something or do you just want to hang out?” Putting her hands behind her back, she crossed her fingers, hoping he had an agenda.
“Actually, I do have something to do.” He sat up, rubbing his face. Harley turned her head so he couldn’t see the smile on her face, watching him go through his morning routine of itching, coughing, rubbing his eyes, all predictable and all in perfect order.
“I’m going to finish the basement this week,” he said. The basement was an icon for their do-it-yourself mistakes. All the supplies purchased, arranged in piles in Jason’s obsessive way, awaiting the time and patience to finish. Harley stopped venturing down to the basement, and when she did, averting her eyes helped stop the exasperation.
“I told Jason it was a bad idea,” Harley whispered to Bea when he first made the plans. But it looked like he was motivated again, and she liked it.
“Well that is very hopeful,” Harley said, excited. “I like the idea of the girls having a nice space to play.”
“That’s the idea,” Jason replied. “My dad’s heading over by nine and Dave will be here after work.”
Unspoken motivation drove Jason. The abandoned basement supplied a rare source of conflict between Harley and Jason; by getting the work done it would finally be a non-issue. Harley’s happiness was important to him, too. Wanting their girls to have a safe haven when the end was near for Harley, Jason hoped she could stay at home to die. With four daughters, even in their spacious home, personal space was at a premium. The finished basement would add fifteen hundred square feet of space for people to hide when the pain of what was going on upstairs became too much.
Making the excuse that she was going to be out running a few vague errands, Harley would have her coffee date with Anna. Their conversations had been limited to text messages and emails because of conflicting schedules, but Anna had the Monday after Thanksgiving off.
They lived fifteen miles from each other. Although Anna offered to drive the distance to make it easier on Harley, Harley was looking forward to an adventure, so they arranged to meet at an inn that was about half way for both women. The inn was quaint, off a gravel road which wound around a revolutionary war battlefield dotted with headstones. Built of gray stone, black shutters adorned the windows. Coming closer to the inn, Harley’s heart sank; they’d decorated for Christmas already and she knew it would be emotional for her. Electric candles shined through the glum of the day, pine roping secured with red velvet ribbon encircled the porch railing. The beauty of it, quintessential Philadelphia, brought tears to her eyes.
“It’s after Thanksgiving. Pull it together, girlfriend,” she uttered. “You’re making memories with Jason’s possible wife.”
Peeking in the rearview mirror, she was satisfied that nothing more could be done for her appearance. “I’m a sick woman. What do you expect?” Makeup tended to sit on the surface of her skin like paint, so she applied only lip-gloss and eyeliner, just a small amount of eyebrow pencil. The pallor of her skin was like a death mask. Pulling her collar up as far as it would go and her stocking cap, knitted by Tina, down to her painted on eyebrows, she decided it was as good as it got.
Harley scanned the few cars in the parking lot, but she’d forgotten to ask Anna what she drove. A voice called her name and she turned as a woman about her age walked toward her.
“It’s me, Anna,” she said smiling, reaching her with an outstretched hand. Harley couldn’t remember if she’d smiled back or not, feeling overwhelmed, sad, regretful, jealous and silly, all at the same time.
This woman was beautiful, the female equivalent of Jason, with clear pale skin made rosy by the cold and long, black hair. Her eyes were deep blue and rimmed with long black lashes. Mistaking Harley’s ambivalence for something else, she reached out for her. “Why don’t you come inside?” she said, concerned. “We can order you something hot to drink.”
“I’m sorry, Anna,” Harley said. “I just need to regroup.”
Anna held out her arm to lead the way. Harley gave up and followed her. She drove all this way, might as well see it through to the end. If she didn’t pull herself together, Anna would be the one to flee.
“This must be so difficult for you,” Anna said with compassion.
“Yes, well I should’ve known,” Harley said.
“Am I the first woman you’ve met with?” Anna asked. Harley shook her head.
“No, there’s been one other,” she answered.
But Harley knew after seeing Anna, hearing her voice, that left up to Jason, he would probably choose Anna.
“I’m sitting here,” she said, leading Harley to a booth in front of the shop. They could look out at the woods, the bare tree branches blowing, clouds scuttling by in the gray sky.
Harley slid into the booth, glancing at Anna as she removed her coat, her heart sinking further with each revelation about her appearance, adding voluptuous to the list. Fighting with the temptation to beg her pardon she didn’t feel good. Could they meet another time? But she hung in.
“Do you want to change your mind?” Anna asked. “It’s perfectly fine, perfectly understandable.”
“No, I’m going to try to do this,” she said, feeling battered. “I want to help my husband find the right woman for our girls.”
There, Harley thought. Keep the focus on our girls, not on a bedmate for Jason.
“Did you bring pictures?” Anna asked.
Harley looked off into space. “Yes! I have my phone. I have a thousand pictures on my phone.”
Taking her phone out, Harley moved closer to Anna. She looked on as Harley thumbed through images of Tina with her violin, Bennie with her high school cap and gown, Devon on the first day of school, Angie playing soccer, the family at the beach, fishing on the bay, her mother, Maryanne, on the patio sipping a Mia Tai.
“This is my mother-in-law,” Harley said, pointing a finger at Fran. “She’s wonderful. I’ve never had a sitter all these years, because Fran wanted to be with the children.”
“You’re very blessed,” Anna said, blanching at the word. The woman did not appear to be blessed at this time.
The next group of pictures was of Bea and Dave and their family, and Harley told the story about growing up with Bea and how lucky she felt the day Dave asked her to get married, knowing then her best friend would always be in the family. One after another, for fifteen minutes Harley talked, forgetting her predicament and Anna listened, soaking it in, hoping.
Harley came to selfies of her and Jason. Anna didn’t say a word, but her heart started beating faster when she saw the pictures of the handsome Jason. Harley’s pride was clear as she explained each one. “This is our tenth anniversary, and this is the day Bennie received a scholarship to Columbia. But she didn’t accept it because of me. I’ll always regret it. She goes to community college and takes online classes from Drexel. I graduated from Drexel and think Bennie’s doing it to please me.”
Catching her breath to take a sip of coffee, Harley was suddenly embarrassed for monopolizing the conversation. “Anna, I’m sorry,” she said. “I think I was so apprehensive about this meeting I’ve lost my manners. Tell me about your family now, with pictures.”
Reaching around to her purse, she g
ot her phone out and did the same thing. Six-year-old Christopher playing T-ball and dressed up like a Jedi Knight, and twelve-year-old Ainsley in a candy striper apron, caring for toddlers at the church nursery and twirling a baton in the marching band. While Harley looked on, happy to be learning about Anna’s family, it occurred to her that she’d never addressed what happened to the kid’s father. Anna never mentioned it during their first contact and Harley forgot to ask.
“I guess that’s it for the pictures. If we meet again, I’ll bring an album or two,” Anna said.
“I’m getting sore from sitting. Would you mind taking a walk? Looks like there’s a nice path around the shops.”
“Sure,” Anna said, getting out of the booth. “A walk sounds good.”
They walked side by side down a gravel path. Harley didn’t feel like it was necessary to say anything; what was there to say? It was so obvious that she was not taking charge, if anything were to happen, it would just have to happen because she’d lost her initiative and her energy.
“You never asked about my husband,” Anna said. “Usually it’s brought up at the first contact but I never thought of it either.”
“I did think of it just now when you were showing me your children’s pictures,” Harley said. “It’s only important if you’re still with him.”
“No, he’s gone. He was killed in a car accident when I was pregnant with Chris,” she said. “It’s been so long I don’t automatically think of it anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Harley said, amazed again that it appeared everyone had a sad story, not only her. She thought that it could be Jason saying the same thing in six years. ‘It’s been so long I don’t automatically think of it,’ she’d said. Would he forget so quickly? When would he think of me? When he holds his new wife for the first time, will that be enough to erase memories of us together?
“I can’t even imagine,” Harley said, trying to swallow her anguish, grief engulfing her anew.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I think of him all the time, but not the end of him.”
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