Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Obviously, what Mary Kate said was true. She was still depressed and embarrassed about the mix-up with Junior. Plus, she was going to have to figure out how to convince Mary Kate to sit with Junior at lunch. Since getting to know her friend, she’d noticed a true hesitance to meet new people, especially men. That was strange since it was obvious every eligible man couldn’t get enough of Mary Kate!

  Of course, she wanted Mary Kate to be happy. And with time, she was sure she would be happy that Mary Kate and Junior had found happiness together. But so far, she wasn’t having too good of a time pushing aside her jealousy.

  “It’s nothing.” Noticing the time, Miriam closed her magazine, too. “I better get on home. I promised Mamm I’d help her do some baking for church.”

  Mary Kate picked up the stack of magazines. “Are you sure you don’t mind walking these magazines back to the library?”

  “Not at all. I’ll take them over to the library right after work one day next week. I’m out of books.”

  “You read more than anyone I’ve ever met.”

  Miriam smiled. It was true she loved to read. She loved to imagine she was living an exciting life, filled with invitations and scores of men wanting to catch her attention. “You make that sound like a bad thing. Which, I might add, is not a good thing for a schoolteacher.”

  “I like to read,” Mary Kate said weakly.

  “Sometimes,” Miriam teased.

  Looking a bit embarrassed, she nodded. “Sometimes is right. I like to read but I’ve always been better at math and science. If kinner only needed to learn arithmetic, my life would be much easier. But all this spelling and cursive and reading gets the best of me. I run out of patience too fast, I’m afraid.”

  “Then why did you take the job?”

  “Because I had to.” Lowering her voice, she added, “But I don’t think I’m a very good teacher. And I’m also starting to worry that coming to Sugarcreek was the wrong decision.”

  Mary Kate sighed and gazed out the window. “Plus, I’ve got one little girl who needs a lot of help.”

  “What kind of help?”

  “She needs a reading tutor. Maybe even just a reading buddy. You know, someone to help her gain confidence. To make things worse, her brother came up to school on Friday afternoon. We had a little conference about Kaylene and discussed what we should do to help her.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “I don’t know. I had the feeling that he didn’t understand why I didn’t have more ideas for how to help her.” Sounding a bit defensive, she continued. “What that man doesn’t understand is that I’m responsible for all the children, from my tiny first-graders to my older students getting ready to graduate from the eighth grade. There are only so many hours in the day, you know.”

  “Yes, I suppose so.” Miriam felt sorry for the little girl. She was starting to get the feeling that Mary Kate had already given up on her. “If you get desperate, let me know. I’m sure I’d love to read with her.”

  Mary Kate’s eyes widened. “Do you mean that?”

  “Of course.”

  “Is there any way you would stop by the school this week? You could meet Kaylene and maybe sit with her for a few minutes? Oh, Miriam, if you could help this little girl, I’d be so grateful.”

  “All right,” she replied, feeling a little stunned. “I’ll stop by as soon as I can.”

  “Oh, wunderbaar! I’ll send a note home and say that I’ve got a plan for her to get some special help. Her brother will be happy about that.”

  “I’ve never heard of a bruder caring so much about a little sister’s schooling.”

  “Jah, it’s curious, ain’t so? Kaylene is the youngest of eight children, and the only one still in school. It’s so sad, both of her parents have passed away. Anyway, you’d think that one of her older sisters would be the one who worried about school but it seems to be the brother who Kaylene relies on the most. He’s the one who came to school to visit with me.”

  A small thread of worry began to form in her stomach. That sounded suspiciously like how Junior was with his sister. And . . . wasn’t one of Junior’s sisters named Kaylene? “What is Kaylene’s last name?”

  “Beiler. Do you know the Beilers?”

  “Oh, jah.”

  “Then you probably know Junior Beiler.”

  “I do, as a matter of fact.”

  New interest sparked in her eyes. “Do you know him well?”

  “I’ve known him for years. We grew up together.” Every word felt stuck in her throat as she mentally braced herself for Mary Kate to talk about how he had sparked her interest.

  Mary Kate looked relieved. “Oh, gut. Maybe you can help me decide how to talk to him.”

  “Why would you need my help?” In spite of knowing better than to say such things, she added, “I’m surprised you aren’t jumping at the chance to talk to Junior Beiler. He’s so handsome. One of the most eligible bachelors in town, most would say.”

  “Oh, he’s a handsome man, all right. I suppose some might think he would be quite a catch with his blond hair and blue eyes.”

  “You . . . You aren’t interested in him?”

  “Me? Not at all.” Looking vaguely embarrassed, Mary Kate said, “I’m not interested in dating.”

  “Truly?”

  “I have no desire to be courted ever again,” she said without a trace of doubt in her voice.

  “Why? Every woman I know around our age is either courting or hoping to be courting.” Or already married, she thought about adding.

  A shadow fell across Mary Kate’s face, and she stood up, brushing off her skirts, seeming to want to end the conversation. “I . . . I had a bad experience once.”

  “What kind of bad experience? Did you get hurt?”

  “Nee.” Mary Kate wouldn’t look her in the eye.

  Miriam was starting to understand her friend in a new way. “Mary Kate, did that experience make you wary about men? Did something happen?”

  “I, ah, once dated a man who wasn’t the type to take no for an answer. He was difficult to get away from.” Looking beyond Miriam, out the window, Mary Kate murmured, “Sometimes I fear that even Sugarcreek isn’t far enough away from him. That maybe I’ll never be far enough away.”

  Miriam was confused, but finally was beginning to understand her friend’s constant talk of getting away. “Do you think he might be looking for you now?”

  “Nee. Well, I hope and pray not.” She pursed her lips, then said, “When I broke things off, he didn’t take it well. My parents didn’t really understand either—he is the son of their best friends. That is why I took this teaching job in Sugarcreek. I was willing to do anything to get away. To have an excuse to leave him behind.”

  Miriam shook her head in wonder, torn between the desire to hug Mary Kate tight and pester her with a dozen questions.

  Here, they’d been practically in each other’s pockets since Mary Kate arrived but never had her friend hinted that she had just come out of such a scary situation. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There isn’t anything to say.” Her voice turned brisk. “I was in an uncomfortable situation but things are better now. Please just don’t mention this to anyone.”

  “I won’t.” But as Mary Kate stared at her, a fresh wave of fear in her eyes, Miriam felt chilled. Was there more to her friend’s story than she had shared?

  “I had better go.” Miriam was desperate to know more but could tell her friend was done sharing her secrets. Rather than chance her pushing her away, she thought she should head home and give Mary Kate some space.

  “All right.” Mary Kate walked to the door and held it open. “Thank you for listening to me. All this time, I’ve kept what happened to myself. I didn’t want you to think differently about me, and I really didn’t trust myself to even think about Will.” She sighed. “But now that I’ve talked a little bit about what happened, I feel as if the biggest weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Danke.�
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  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “You did more than you know. You know, someone just yesterday told me that it was good to share one’s burdens. Now I realize that was mighty good advice.” With a fresh smile, she said, “See you tomorrow at gmay.”

  Miriam smiled, but as she slowly made her way down the rickety steps leading down from Mary Kate’s apartment, she wondered how in the world she was going to get through church and keep two friendships.

  Tomorrow at church she was going to have to let Junior sit with them after services. She was going to have to watch Junior flirt with Mary Kate . . . all while knowing that Mary Kate wanted nothing to do with him.

  And of course, to make matters worse, she was going to have to hold her own wants and thoughts close to her heart. There was no way she could ever let Junior know how much she wished that she was the girl on his mind.

  And no way could she ever let Mary Kate know that she was so glad she didn’t like Junior.

  It was a terribly awkward situation. And, it seemed that she had no one to blame for it but herself.

  Walking down the sidewalks of Sugarcreek, Miriam realized that Mary Kate had had a very good idea. She, too, needed a break from her life.

  Suddenly, sitting on a beach in Florida, doing nothing more than watching the surf lap the beach, sounded like absolute bliss.

  chapter nine

  Three long days had passed since Judith had sat beside her husband at the doctor’s office and discovered that life as she knew it was over.

  It had felt like much longer, though. Each hour had lurched and hobbled by, passing painfully. Lingering far too long, almost as if each minute had wanted to sit a spell and make an already painful moment of time even more disappointing.

  Alternating between her heart breaking and her temper flaring, Judith had stayed close to home, even pushing aside Ben’s efforts to soothe.

  She felt bad about her behavior, that she hadn’t reached out to her husband and attempted to offer him any sort of support.

  But even the thought of attempting to console him felt like too much effort.

  Besides, she had no right to soothe and comfort, did she? She was the one with the problem. It was her fault that she couldn’t bear children. Not Ben’s.

  Yesterday she’d barely gotten out of bed. But today Ben had insisted she get dressed and eat breakfast before he left to go work at her family’s store.

  An hour after he left, she discovered why he’d done so. Her mother had come knocking, her face a testament of concern, her eyes looking about Judith’s home with a sharp expression. No doubt not missing a thing.

  Judith had stood against the living room wall, her arms folded across her middle as her mother eyed the wooden floor that needed to be swept, the area rugs that needed to be shaken, and the counters and tabletops that needed to be dusted.

  At last, her mother turned to her with a sigh. “Judith, dear, I wish you would have asked for some help. Gretta and Clara and I could have come over and helped you clean.”

  Having her two sisters-in-law over would have been terrible. Gretta and Joshua already had two children and were expecting their third. Clara’s twin girls were almost two years old and adorable. Though Judith didn’t begrudge them their happiness, at the moment it would have been too hard to watch.

  “I didn’t need them here, Mamm.”

  “They want to help, dear. And they could help you with the haus. . . .”

  Judith couldn’t care less about what her mother thought about the condition of the house. She hadn’t invited her mamm over, and she was too old to be shaking in her boots about her lack of housekeeping efforts.

  Her temper snapped. “Mamm, this is my home. I know it’s a mess right now. But to be honest with you, I don’t care.”

  After giving her a long, thoughtful look, her mother said, “Daughter, I promise, I did not come over here to be critical. I came over to ask you to think about taking a little break from your duties here.”

  “What are you talking about?” As far as Judith knew, she didn’t have any duties—besides taking care of Ben and the house. Which she hadn’t been doing.

  “Daed and I would love for you to be home for a bit,” her mother said with false brightness. “Anson and Toby and Maggie would love it, too.”

  Little by little, Judith was starting to realize that her mother’s invitation hadn’t been instigated by her poor housekeeping.

  And Judith knew it had nothing to do with her smaller siblings missing her. Anson was eleven now and had time for only himself. Toby was nine and thought only about school. And Maggie? As much as Judith adored her little sister, everyone knew that Maggie’s heart belonged to her adored brother-in-law, Ben.

  So, what was the reason? Was Mamm merely worried . . . or had Ben asked her to come? “I can’t move back home.”

  “I’m not asking you to move home. Just spend some time there.”

  “Because?”

  “Because you need some help.” Her mother’s tone was matter-of-fact. Firm.

  Judith arched an eyebrow. “I don’t need any help. And I am just fine here.”

  Leading the way into the living room, her mother touched the top of the sofa like she was afraid the fabric would dirty her blue dress. “I don’t think so. Please consider coming home for a week or two.”

  “Mamm, I could never go home for two weeks. And what about Ben? He needs me here.” The moment she said the words, she felt the guilt overwhelm her. What she, her mother, and Ben all knew was that she hadn’t been doing anything for Ben in the last two weeks since she’d miscarried. She certainly hadn’t been cooking or cleaning.

  “Ben is working so much at the store, I doubt he’ll mind if you take some time to seek the comfort of home.”

  “But this is my home.”

  “Judith, you know what I mean.”

  Yes, she supposed she did. Ever so slowly, her mother’s unannounced visit—and Ben’s insistence that she dress—was starting to penetrate her haze of pain. “This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment idea, is it?”

  “I’m afraid not. Your father’s been talking to Ben at the store.”

  “Does Ben want me to leave? Does he not want me here?” Though she tried to conceal it, panic set in. Was Ben mad at her because she couldn’t seem to stop crying?

  Terrible questions steamrolled and flashed in her head, faster and faster.

  Did Ben want her to leave because she couldn’t have children? Did he not want to be married to her anymore? What would she do if he no longer wanted her to be his wife?

  The panic grew and strengthened. Gaining energy, hurting her ability to breathe.

  Her mother gripped her shoulders hard, almost shaking her out of her stupor. “Judith, please. Please calm down, dear. You’re upsetting yourself.”

  Her eyes welled with tears. “I’m not upsetting myself. I am upset.”

  “Oh, my sweet girl. I so hate to see you like this.”

  The tender endearment, so often said when Judith had been a little girl, brought forth a vulnerable response. “Mamm, I’m trying. I promise. I am just so sad.”

  Holding her hand between both of hers, her mother’s gaze softened. “Judith, dear, listen to me good. Ben is not upset with you. He does not blame you. He does not want you to leave him. He is merely concerned about you being home alone. He doesn’t think all this time by yourself is helping you heal.”

  Little by little, the words started to make sense. “Are you sure Ben isn’t mad?”

  “Jah. I am mighty sure! Judith, asking you to come home for a bit was only a suggestion. It wasn’t because I think you should cook and clean more. It wasn’t because I think you should already be over this news. It’s because we are all worried.” Her voice lowered. “But I think coming home for a bit is a gut idea. Then you could rest and not try to keep up with everything that doesn’t really matter.”

  “Like housework?” Judith asked dryly. With their big family, her mother had taken a cl
ean and organized house very seriously.

  “Like a lot of things.” After squeezing Judith’s hand once more, her mother walked over to the kitchen sink. There, dishes had piled up and had spilled onto the countertop. Across from the sink, the stove looked just as forlorn. A film of dust and grime coated the range.

  As Judith looked at it all through her mother’s eyes, she finally understood why Ben had been so worried.

  Nothing was the way Judith usually kept things. From the time she’d been a little girl, she’d liked order. She’d always been the one to keep things in the kitchen and bathrooms clean and neat. She’d nagged everyone else in the house to be neater, too.

  For her to have let everything go the way she had meant that something was truly wrong. “I know I haven’t been taking care of things. I know I’m not acting like myself. But . . . I’ve had other things on my mind.”

  “I know, dear.”

  As if she hadn’t heard her mother, Judith’s voice grew stronger. “The things that I’ve been dealing with? They are important.”

  “I realize that,” her mother said simply. But her voice was lilted, like she wanted to add so much more, but was holding her tongue instead.

  Though her feet felt like they were full of lead, she joined her mother in the kitchen and halfheartedly picked up a dishrag. “Are you sure Ben isn’t mad about the haus? Did he ask you to come over to make me fix everything?”

  “There is nothing to fix, dear.”

  “There’s me.”

  “Child, for whatever reason, Got has made a decision. It was out of your hands. It is out of Ben’s hands, too. Now all he wants is for you to feel better. He is worried about you. We all are.”

  Her mother pulled the dishrag from her hands, and guided her to a chair. “No one is complaining about your housekeeping, daughter. Especially not your Ben. You know how smitten he is with you! Why, if you never mopped the floor again he wouldn’t care. But I don’t think it’s good for you to be alone all day.”

  “Being around the kids and the rest of the family isn’t going to make me happier.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I am mighty sure that being around Anson is not going to improve my mood, Muddah.”