Hopeful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Sometimes, it felt like Sugarcreek, Ohio, was just too small. No matter how hard Junior tried, everything he did was observed and commented upon by just about everyone he knew.

  On the way over to Miriam’s, he’d been stopped by no less than four people asking what he was up to. It had taken some pretty impressive conversational somersaults to avoid telling the truth.

  He had enough going on in his life without everyone giving him their opinions, too.

  “Hi, Junior,” Mr. Zehr called out from the middle of his flower beds. “Couldn’t stay away, huh?”

  “Nee,” he mumbled, feeling vaguely foolish. Miriam’s father had spoken so loud, the whole street probably knew he had stopped over again.

  To make matters worse, the man waved, then walked right inside his front door. It closed with a snap behind him.

  Hmm. That was strange. Unbidden, he heard Joe’s words ring in his head as he walked the last hundred feet to Miriam’s home. You shouldn’t go. It’s not a gut idea.

  But recently, it seemed that he’d been in no hurry to listen to anyone’s good idea. Which was why he was calling on Miriam again.

  And, for some reason, he was feeling a little nervous.

  Eager to take his mind off his worries, he tried to focus on her house. An old cottage-style home, built in the 1950s, Miriam’s haus was tucked away at the end of a cul-de-sac on one of the oldest streets in Sugarcreek. Parts of the street were still made of brick, making it look charming and as if you’d stepped into another time.

  It was clear Mr. Zehr spent a lot of time in his flower beds as an abundance of flowers decorated the yard. A trio of rocking chairs rested on the front porch, their shiny white paint standing bright under the green ferns nestled in hanging baskets.

  Everything about the home spoke to care of details.

  Just as he raised his hand to knock on the door, it opened, bringing him face-to-face with her mother. Deanna Zehr was a slightly older version of her daughter. She was a little heavier than Miriam, her skin a bit more lined and wrinkled.

  But her eyes were just as bright, the dark blue looking almost black in the fading afternoon light.

  “Hello again, Junior,” she said. “We’re mighty glad you’ve returned.”

  He felt lower than low. He had a feeling that he’d misled more people than just Miriam. “Jah. Hello to you, too. I, ah, came over to see Miriam.”

  “Oh, we know that.” She looked absolutely delighted. “Lukas just told her you were walking down the street. She went to go freshen up. But she’ll be back down soon. You know Miriam, she’s not one to fuss too much.”

  He had three sisters, two of whom fussed a lot. But they only fussed when they were interested in a boy. Beverly had taken to pinching her cheeks every time she was within two yards of Joe.

  He clasped his hands behind his back and tried to look more at ease than he felt. “Ah.”

  “Did you enjoy yesterday’s service at the Yoders’?”

  “Jah. Very much so.”

  After another searching look at him, she nodded. “That is gut. So, um, how is your family?”

  “They are doing well.”

  “Gut. Well, I suppose you would like to come in?”

  “I would. I mean, if that is all right. . . .”

  He was just about to step inside when Miriam appeared at the door. “I’ll speak with Junior out on the front porch, Mamm.”

  “You sure? It feels a bit chilly.”

  “We’ll be fine.”

  Her mother raised her brows, but only gave him a half-hearted wave. “I’ll be seeing you, then, Junior.”

  “Good-bye, Mrs. Zehr.”

  The moment she was out of sight, Miriam shut the front door. Then she turned to him, her eyes anxious. “I’m sorry. My mother has started to become a bit too interested in my personal life. Do you mind sitting on the front porch? We’ll have more privacy out here than inside.”

  “I would prefer that, actually.” After they each sat down in one of the rocking chairs, he decided to get straight to the point. “Did you get a chance to talk to Mary Kate about why she left on Sunday?”

  “I did.”

  “And?” He knew he sounded anxious, but he was curious to find out what had happened. “Why did she leave so suddenly? Did I do or say something that she didn’t like?”

  “Not at all.” Looking perplexed, Miriam leaned back, allowing her chair to push her forward and back. “Why would you think you said or did something wrong?”

  “I don’t know.” Pulling off his hat, he wiped his brow that had suddenly started to perspire. “It just seemed strange that she rushed off like that. What was Mary Kate’s reason?”

  “A couple of things . . . She, uh, had some work to complete and some chores to do before school today.”

  “That was her reason?”

  For a moment, it looked like she wasn’t going to answer him, then she nodded. “Jah. Um, Mary Kate can be a little thoughtless sometimes, I fear.”

  “And why is that?”

  “She is, um, having some personal problems.”

  “What kind of problems?”

  She hedged. “Junior, I don’t know if I should tell you. Her story really isn’t mine to tell, you know?”

  “I hear you. But, Miriam, you’ve got to help me out at least a little. I feel like I’m forcing her to talk to me against her will, and I don’t know why she’s acting like that. Most people like to talk to me just fine.”

  “What’s going on isn’t your fault.”

  “What is going on?” His voice was more plaintive now. “Please tell me. I need some help. I never thought I’d be the type of man to act like this.”

  Miriam swallowed hard, looked beyond him, then seemed to come to a decision. “She was in a bad relationship before she moved to Sugarcreek. Toward the end, she had begun to be afraid of that man.”

  He felt like he’d just swallowed an ice cube. “Did he hurt her?”

  “No. I mean, I don’t think he did. But she’s wary of men now.”

  “She’s afraid.” All of his protective instincts rushed forward and, if anything, his feelings for her strengthened. Mary Kate was such a little thing. Tiny. It boggled his mind to imagine another man hurting her.

  “Miriam, I don’t know what to say. I never expected anything like this.”

  She smiled softly. “I know what you mean. I was shocked when I heard her story, too.” She paused. “But maybe knowing some of her history? Maybe it will help you understand her a bit better.”

  “It does. It really does.” He shifted, knowing it was probably time to go, but the sun was shining on their shoulders, Miriam seemed more relaxed, and for the first time all day he felt at ease. “Miriam, why do you think we never talked very much before now?”

  Something flashed in her eyes before she shrugged. “Oh, gosh. I don’t know. I guess we were both too busy.”

  “Maybe. For the last four years, all I’ve been doing is trying to keep up with my siblings. Trying to make everything all right for them.”

  “And I’ve been working,” she allowed. “Sometimes working far too much. It’s hard to do things with friends when you are always tired.”

  He laughed. “I know what you mean. When our daed first died, Levi had a couple of months of bad dreams. He kept dreaming that someone else would die and he’d have to go live with other relatives.”

  “That poor boy.”

  Junior smiled softly. “I know. He was afraid my other brothers would laugh at him, so he crawled into my bed every night, even though he was twelve years old! He’d crawl in, then toss and turn. Kick in his sleep.” He winced at the memory. “It about broke my heart, if you want to know the truth. Next thing I knew, I’d be wide awake. And then there was nothing to do but stay by his side and watch over him. Which meant, of course, that I’d be exhausted the whole next day.”

  “So, that’s what you’ve been doing all this time, Junior. You’ve been trying to be a mother and father to you
r siblings.” She grinned. “And trying to get some sleep.”

  “Those days are just about over now. I wouldn’t be surprised if Beverly got married soon. Randall, too. And Claire, Neil and Micah are self-sufficient, now. Levi is on the verge of being that way. So all that is left to worry about is Kaylene.”

  Junior paused. While he knew how much he focused on his family and making sure everyone had what they needed, he never realized why he’d been pursuing Mary Kate. Deep down, as pretty as she was, he also thought that someone that Kaylene already knew, like her schoolteacher, would allow him to build a little family for his sister. Make sure she had a place to live where she felt like she belonged. Of course, it hadn’t worked out the way he imagined. Mary Kate was standoffish, and Kaylene didn’t seem to take to Mary Kate the way he’d expected her to.

  Junior leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I had thought finding the right partner was going to be so easy. That once I’d decided I had time to date, I’d find the right girl, go courting, and get married. But I’m finding out that it’s not that easy.”

  She smiled softly. “That doesn’t surprise me.”

  He didn’t know why he was confiding so much to Miriam, but sitting her in the late afternoon on her porch, it felt like he could finally open up about things that he usually kept to himself. Lowering his voice, he said, “The truth is, I don’t think Kaylene likes Mary Kate all that much.”

  “No?” She paused, seeming to search for the right words. “Well, to be honest, I think Mary Kate is a wonderful person and a good friend. But I don’t believe that she loves teaching school.” She shrugged. “And it could be that Kaylene’s struggles make Mary Kate frustrated, like she knows she’s not doing a good job.”

  “Jah.” Miriam’s words were wise. She seemed to truly understand the situation.

  He looked over at her, hoping to catch her eye and share a smile of gratitude. Despite what he’d thought for so long, she no longer seemed too introverted and shy. Instead, he found himself thinking how easy she was to talk to. How comfortable she was to be around.

  Instead of thinking she wasn’t perfectly beautiful, he noticed those blue eyes of hers, that they were not only striking but incredibly telling. With one quick glance, he could discern everything she was thinking.

  All this time, he’d been missing out on getting to know her better. All this time, he’d been missing out on having a friend like her.

  Feeling weary, he got to his feet. “I had better get on home. Thanks for talking with me.”

  “Anytime, Junior. I enjoyed it.”

  He smiled at her before turning and walking back to his house. But as he started his walk, he realized that Miriam had been sincere in her offer.

  He knew, deep in his heart, that she would talk to him anytime that he asked her to. She was that type of person, completely unselfish that way.

  What was more surprising was that he’d known that for some time. Though he’d practically ignored her for most of their lives, he’d thought nothing of asking her for help to get Mary Kate’s attention. He’d known he could trust her.

  And though it was obvious that she’d thought he’d come calling for a different reason, she’d agreed to help him without hesitation.

  Tonight he’d done the same thing again, badgering her for information, asking her for help. And yet again, she’d given him what he’d wanted freely and without expecting anything.

  And he’d taken everything she’d given with a throwaway smile and the briefest of thanks.

  As he turned the corner and headed toward home, Junior realized that he’d gotten a lot of information that evening. Some of it was about Mary Kate—but far more of it had been about himself.

  He really had been trying to parent his siblings. He really had put his needs last for the last several years. Because of that, he’d been tired. And a little overworked. And a bit stressed.

  But he didn’t regret a single moment. He was proud of his siblings. And proud that he could honestly say that he’d done the best he could.

  And that was something his parents would have been very pleased about, too.

  chapter thirteen

  “Judith! Look at you!” her father called out from the back of the store.

  Of course, his voice reverberated through the aisles of the crowded store like a bullhorn, signaling anyone and everyone to stop what they were doing and stare at her.

  She could have killed him.

  It was just after lunch and she’d gathered the energy to walk to the store to surprise Ben. But having all these strangers surrounding her was making her nervous.

  She was about to bolt out the door when she saw Ben approach, a huge smile on his face.

  “Hiya, love. What a nice surprise! I’m going to go tell Daed that you and I are going for a little walk.”

  She reached out and grabbed his sleeve. “You can’t go anywhere. The store is packed.”

  “He can handle it.”

  She knew he was bluffing, though. When the store was as crowded as this, every Graber needed to be on hand. She was trying to get up the courage to tell him to stay when she felt a firm hand on her elbow.

  “Ben, how about I take your wife out for ice cream?” Miriam Zehr asked.

  Judith could see the look of relief on his face, but he turned to her first. “Is that all right with you?”

  “It is fine,” she murmured. She would have said anything to help him out. But to her surprise, the thought of spending some time with Miriam did feel fine.

  Once outside, Judith stopped and breathed deeply. “Miriam, you have perfect timing. Danke.”

  “Of course. Have you been to the Sugarcreek Scoop yet? The ice cream there is gut.”

  “I haven’t had a chance to go yet.”

  “It’s time you went, then.” Miriam started walking at a brisk pace. Judith wondered if she was anxious to get to the ice cream shop or if she was trying to get Judith away from the store.

  While Judith concentrated on keeping up, she tried to recall the last time she and Miriam had chatted. Gretta had worked closely with Miriam at the Sugarcreek Inn for years. And since Joshua had courted Gretta forever, their paths had crossed many a time. Miriam was also good friends with Lilly Miller, who had been their next door neighbor for a time.

  Miriam glanced over her shoulder and bit her lip. “Are you okay? Am I walking too fast?”

  “Not at all. I was just thinking about our connection. How you worked with Gretta and Lilly.”

  “We seem to all be connected one way or another here in Sugarcreek,” Miriam agreed with a shy smile. After they crossed one block, the new store’s sign loomed. “Here we are.”

  They went into the brightly painted shop and both ordered ice cream sundaes. Then, because the day was so nice, they elected to sit outside at one of the shiny white tables arranged on the side of the building.

  Judith hadn’t had any appetite to speak of, but that first bite of caramel topping and dark chocolate ice cream tasted heavenly. “This is so good.”

  Miriam lifted her spoon filled with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge sauce. “I agree.” With a pleased smile, she took another bite. “It’s a treat, for sure.”

  “So, what have you been up to? It’s been a while since we’ve talked.” Judith didn’t want to state the obvious . . . that she’d been avoiding church and all social gatherings since the miscarriage.

  “Me? Oh, nothing too much. Working at the inn.”

  “How are things at the restaurant?”

  “They’re good enough, I suppose. How are you? I heard about your miscarriage. I am sorry, Judith.”

  Judith looked at her in surprise, shocked at how matter-of-fact Miriam sounded. “Danke. It’s hard, but with God’s help, things will get better.” Eventually.

  “You are right about that, about Got helping us through each difficult moment. Sometimes I forget that.”

  “Lately, I have too.” And that shames me, Judith silently added.

  M
iriam studied her face, looked at her dish of ice cream, then, to Judith’s surprise, pushed it away. “Lately, I’ve been feeling like nothing is going right for me. I’m tired of being a waitress. Even more, I’m kind of tired of waiting and hoping for some man to fall in love with me.”

  Judith didn’t dare offer a platitude. She’d heard enough of those over the last few days to fill up a kitchen sink. Instead, she offered a question. “Do you have someone in mind?”

  “Jah. But he doesn’t feel the same way.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Miriam shrugged. “I know my problems don’t compare to your loss, Judith. I don’t mean to sound like I think they do. But even so . . . I kind of have a constant pain in my heart. It’s hard, hoping things will eventually change . . . but then they just stay the same.”

  Judith looked at her ice cream bowl. To her surprise, she’d eaten half her sundae. Now that it was half-melted, she pushed it away, too. Then looked at Miriam.

  Miriam had made Judith remember that they all had their share of struggles to bear. While she was longing for children, Miriam was still longing to find love and companionship in her life. It made Judith thankful for the blessings she did have, namely a man like Ben.

  With that in mind, she reached out and gently squeezed Miriam’s hand. “Danke. Thank you for sitting here with me. For reaching out. You made my day better.”

  Miriam waved an embarrassed hand. “Judith, I’ve been sitting here telling you my problems!”

  “Jah, but they’re important, too.”

  Miriam smiled. “I have a feeling we’ll both get through this rough time with the Lord’s help . . . and a whole lot of hope.”

  “Indeed.” And with that, Judith picked up her spoon and took another bite. It would be a shame for all that chocolate and caramel to go to waste, after all.

  After she said good-bye to Miriam, Judith walked back to the store, where Ben was waiting for her on the front porch. Though he was leaning indolently against the front wall, his eyes were sharp. “You look better.”

  She had to smile. Leave it to her husband to get right to the point. “Actually, I feel better.” She shook her head in wonder. “That Miriam has a way about her. We’ve hardly said much to each other in weeks—our paths just don’t cross all that much—but now, talking to her? It felt like she was my best friend in the world.”