Even when I’m struggling to care about myself.
That’s hard to admit, and I know I need help. I need someone to talk these feelings over with, I need to become the person everyone thinks I am. If at some point I want to wear Wild’s property patch – and where the fuck did that thought come from – I have to figure out why I don’t feel as if I deserve the love that’s been handed out to me my whole life.
This afternoon? It was a huge revelation. I want someone to do life with, and I don’t want it to always be a secret. There’s no shame in what we’ve been doing, but me hiding it, has made it shameful. That narrative has to change, and it has to start with me.
Not tonight, because I have work to do on myself, but I know I’m my own worst enemy and I’ve got to get out of my own way. If not, I’ll be going down the same path my birth mother did. Looking around, I realize I have too many people in my life to let myself fall victim to the same sort of shit she did. I’m the strong one, thanks to the family I have, and there’s no way I’ll do them a disservice by dishonoring everything they’ve given me.
Starting with the man at the center of a huge pile of congratulations. I’ll be worthy of him, and he’ll be worthy of me. It’ll just take a little work and time to get there.
“That smile says trouble,” Tate teases from where she sits next to me.
“I sure do hope so,” I giggle as she laughs along with me. When I see Remy come to sit beside her, putting his arm around her, I don’t feel the jealously I’ve been feeling for months. I feel straight happiness, and I want to blurt out I’m sorry to her. Sorry for saying the things in my head, sorry for wishing things were different when obviously she loves the way her life is right now. But first, I have to work on me. And to work on me, I need the man in the thick of things, standing next to my dad. When his eyes meet mine, I almost feel as if the entire group of people with us knows exactly what we’ve done together. His dark eyes light up my whole body, and I can’t wait to be alone with him later.
Instead, I offer him a wave, and turn to talk to my mom.
It was hell getting out of the clubhouse; everyone kept talking, kept avoiding going to their cars, and then I had to clean up the rest of the kitchen. I told everyone else I had it just to get them to leave. Now it’s all done, leaving only me and Wild in the main room, everyone else has returned to their dorms or their homes.
“You still interested in spending time with me tonight?” he whispers as he holds the door open for me, when we leave.
I nod, dropping my voice low, hoping Steele’s mics don’t pick up what I’m about to say to him. “I’ve never fucked a prospect before, and I’m super excited about it.”
The loud inhale of breath along with a guttural moan is everything I’ve wanted to hear from him, and suddenly I can’t wait to get him alone, in the privacy of his house.
“Follow me home?” he asks, already walking to his bike.
“Let’s get there as fast as we can?”
My fingers ache to reach out and touch him, to feel his warm skin, maybe tangle in the supple leather of the cut he’s wearing. My mom always had this thing where she’d look at my dad and I’d see her eyes darken, see a small smile play on her lips when he first put his cut on to leave the house. Now I get it. There’s something inherently hot about knowing the man you’re with is a badass. And make no mistake about it, in my mind Wilder Evans is one of the biggest badasses I’ve ever met. He gets on his bike, waits for me to get in my vehicle, and I follow him to his house.
As I pull into his driveway, and go to park my SUV in the garage, I get a feeling of rightness, something I’ve not felt in a long time. He’s waiting for me as I exit the garage. He takes my hand in his and together, we walk into the house.
For a moment I allow myself to think maybe this will be my future, coming home with him after a long day at work and damned if I don’t like the way that sounds.
Once we’re inside I press him up against the wall, loving the aggressive way he captures my mouth with his. “I love this cut,” I purr as I put my hands on it, feeling the supple smoothness of the leather.
“Yeah?” he grins.
“Yeah,” I agree as he reaches down, palming my ass as I throw my legs around his waist.
He walks us over to the bed, then has a seat against the headboard, letting me straddle him.
“What was that about you never fucking a prospect?” He goes to work on my neck, his mouth, tongue, and teeth working in perfect rhythm.
“Keep the cut on.” I wink when he pulls back.
“Yes ma’am,” his hands go to his belt buckle and as he struggles to pull his cock out, I stand, getting out of my clothes.
Once I’m naked, I straddle him again, about to sink on the length pointing up at me. “Wait,” he maneuvers to pull a condom out of his back pocket.
I take it from him, rip it open, slide the latex down, and then seat myself on top of him. His hands tangle in my hair, mine tangle in his, and right now nothing in this world feels righter than this.
Nineteen
Wild
I’m almost positive the alarm on my bedside table hasn’t gone off yet, but something has me awake and up. A loud moan is ripped from my throat as I feel a hand on my morning wood. “Addie.” I thrust my fingers into her hair.
“Way to go, moaning my name first thing in the morning,” she laughs softly as she attacks my neck.
Her hand at my cock is moving at the best pace. Not too fast, not too slow - just fuckin’ right to get me off. Doesn’t matter that what we did last night had me completely decimated. This morning I’m hard and ready to go. “Never slept all night with another woman,” I admit as I tilt my head back against the pillow, thrusting up into her hand. “You’re the first, and before you say it. When I was sick doesn’t count.”
“Are you kidding?” she questions, her hand not losing its rhythm.
“Nope, you don’t know where I come from. Nobody wanted to get with me,” I force those words out, doing my best to not come all over her hand, but fuck it feels good.
“All those people were stupid,” she whispers in my ear. “They didn’t know what they had with you. I’ve never slept with another guy all night before either.”
“Do we have time for this?” I groan as she moves down my chest, jackknifing when she takes my hard length into her mouth, circling the tip with her tongue.
“There’s always time for this, Wild. Always.”
She does a little flick with her wrist that shoots straight to my cock and I wrench off the bed, trying my best not to lose it.
“Holy shit.” The oath is ripped from my throat as I groan, trying to keep my shit together. Reaching down, I grab the base of my cock to hold off the impending orgasm “Addie, I’m gonna come.” I grit my teeth against the need to explode all over the both of us.
She laughs, deep and throaty. The sound goes straight to my dick, making it throb. “Only thing stopping you from coming is yourself, Wild.”
Where did this vixen come from? Maybe she’s been hiding underneath the surface since the first time we met each other, but damn she’s got me on edge this morning.
“How long have you been touching me?” I inhale deeply, turning my head toward her, catching the scent that’s been on my mind since the first night I saw her at Mayhem.
“Not long." She gives me a saucy smile. “Let me finish.” She slides her hand down gripping and then back up, collecting the fluid at the tip to lubricate her way.
I close my eyes, rolling my head around on the pillow. I’m not the type of guy who blows from a fucking hand job, but this shit feels amazing.
I reluctantly let my hand stop gripping the base of my cock, and instead I bury my fingers in her hair, bringing her mouth to mine. “Finish me then, but know while it feels good for a second, it’s nothing like when I go balls deep inside you. I wanna fuck you.” I catch her lips with mine, thrusting my tongue into her mouth, owning it as much as I can from my prone position.
“Let me take care of you.”
I ache to feel the rake of her nails down my back.
“Let it go, Wild.” She sucks my lobe into her mouth, yanking tightly on it as she uses her hand to move up and down my length.
“Oh fuck,” I moan, I can feel it gathering at the base of my spine, my entire body tightens as she increases her speed. “I want to come inside you so bad.” I grasp her hair tightly in between my fingers, shoving her mouth into my neck.
Her teeth bite into the side of my throat and her hand increases speed, pumping me so fast I can hear her beating against my stomach. Hard strokes designed to get me off. Using my free hand, I reach down, cupping my balls, groaning at how tightly they’ve pulled against my body. “Yes,” I groan as I feel myself break the wall. Stabbing my head into the pillow, I close my eyes, throwing my head back. “Yes, oh God, yes. Fuck.” I grasp her hand in mine, jacking my cock together, increasing the speed as I feel her bite my neck again. “Goddamn!” Letting go of her hair, I reach up, pressing my palm against the wall behind us as I feel the evidence of my release spill over our entwined hands and onto my stomach.
I’m shaking, panting, praying to God I will always know what this feels like and hoping my pounding heart doesn’t mean a heart attack is imminent.
“Jesus Christ.” I try to regulate my breathing. “I haven’t come that hard from a hand job since I was fourteen years old.”
She giggles beside me, burying her head in my neck. She moans slightly and it makes my cock twitch again. I can smell her arousal, I know what she wants, and fuck if I’m not here to give it to her.
Addie
I’m clamping my thighs together, trying to ease the clenching ache after the hottest hand job session I’ve ever participated in, in my life. Running my hands along my stomach, I let out what I hope is a calming breath, trying to bring my arousal down from its roaring high.
“I think my brain shot through my dick.” He’s panting, wincing when he inhales a little too deeply.
“You okay?”
I hope like hell he didn’t pull something the way he was heaving and panting as he came. It was hot, but not so hot that you want to end up going to the doctor because you pulled a muscle. How the hell do you explain that shit?
His voice is deep with lust as he speaks again. “I don’t know about you, but right now I’m hungry.” His nose nuzzles my cheek and even that touch is enough to make my nipples harden further. “Hungry for my face to be between those luscious thighs of yours. C’mon Addie, I can fucking smell you.” He scores my jaw with his teeth.
“We’re gonna be late,” I moan, before he surprises me by latching his hand onto my thigh, denting my skin with his fingers, and physically lifts me up onto his face. I have no other option than to straddle him.
His voice is deep as he noses my clit. “Fuck being late. Press those hands against that wall and enjoy your ride. I’m about to rock your world.”
Everything he does rocks my world, but I don’t like for him to get too cocky. A gasp of air is all I’m able to suck into my lungs when I feel his tongue flick against my needy clit. “Don’t ease in. Give it to me, please.”
When he closes his lips around my clit and sucks, my eyes roll into the back of my head. He doesn’t let up as I feel him bring his arms up behind my thighs, then I feel his palms slap against the skin of my ass.
“Fuck!” My head falls against my hands resting on the wall, I close my eyes, and let myself feel.
I feel the fingers from one hand sneak from behind and thrust into me, working in tandem with his tongue and mouth. I know immediately I’m about to lose it, there’s no way I can’t.
“Oh God,” I cry out, throwing my head back.
He goes after me hard, not letting up when I try to flex my thighs to put some space between us. He slaps my ass again and shoves me farther down on his face.
That’s all it takes as I undulate my hips against him, riding the tip of his tongue, riding this orgasm I’ve wanted since I felt him come against my hand. “Shit.” I let my head tilt, feel my long hair brushing the edges of my back, and give myself over to the emotions of release.
No other man has ever made me feel the way Wild does, and in the back of my mind, I know there’s never going to be another man who makes me feel this way.
I pull my legs from around his face and snuggle next to him. He grabs my hand in his, his thumb caressing my palm in a slow soft stroke. “C’mon, Shortcake, I know we both want to lay here and go back to sleep, but it’s time to start our day.”
As I groan, pulling myself out of bed, I realize there’s no one else I’d rather start my day with.
Twenty
Addie
April
To say I’m nervous is one of the biggest understatements of the year. I’ve worked hard the past few weeks trying to figure out who I am and where I want to be. Most of that work has been done internally, even though I have spent time talking to Wild about it off and on. Usually after I’ve spent the night with him and he’s holding me in his arms. He’s a good listener, one of the best, if I’m being completely honest.
“Why haven’t you talked to your mom about what’s going on with you? I know I’ve only been a part of the Heaven Hill family for a short time, but I don’t see what the issue would be if you talked to her about it.” He trails his fingers up and down my bare arm.
I’m quiet for longer than I would like to be, but I know the answer, I know exactly why I haven’t asked her, why I’m scared to. It’s hard to admit to someone else, another person who sees you as openly as Wild does me. In the past few weeks I’ve found there’s not much I can hide from him. This man can read me like an open book.
“I’m scared,” I admit.
“Of what?”
His voice is soothing, along with the way he’s caressing my arm. “From everything I’ve seen your parents are the type of parents everyone wants.”
“They are,” I agree, but I swallow roughly. “What if they tell me I’m right though?”
“And what if they don’t? But you’re never going to know unless you talk to them, unless you ask. The person holding you back, babe, is you.”
The way he throws babe out there still gets to me. Back when we first met each other, I didn’t think we’d be here, but I’m extremely glad and lucky this man has come into my life. “I’ll try and be better.”
“You’re perfect the way you are, but I know you. You’re searching for something, and you’re not going to get the answers you want until you ask the right people.”
Damn this man for being the voice of reason. “I’ll do it soon.”
“Do it tomorrow, I hate the way you doubt yourself. Once you know the answer, you can move on.”
I think about what he’s said, playing with the small amount of hair he has on his chest. “You’re right.”
“I know, I’m a smart guy.”
I giggle against him, pulling at the hair.
“Fuckin’ ow!”
“Serves you right for being so full of yourself.”
“Oh yeah?” He rolls so that his body covers mine. “Would you rather be full of me?”
When I spread my legs to accommodate him. We both know the answer to that question.
“Mom?” I knock on the door to her office, hoping I’m not disturbing her too. “Is there any way I can talk to you?”
“Sure, I’m sick of working on this anyway.” She throws the papers to the side she’s been working on, stands, and comes over to where I’m sitting. She has a seat and turns to face me. I’m more nervous right now than I’ve ever been, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it comes with being completely honest with someone in your life. I’ve tried to think of how I want to start this conversation a million times before, but nothing ever seems good, instead of easing in, I just blurt it out.
“Are you sorry you got stuck with me after you had Caelin?
Mom rears back like she’s been slapped across the face. “What?
”
Now I’m uncomfortable, because I always thought I knew how this conversation would go, and maybe it’s not going to go the way I envisioned.
“I know you and Dad tried to have a baby before me.” I pull at a string on my jeans. “Were you pissed when you got me and then had your own child afterward? Don’t you wish you would have waited just a little while longer?”
Meredith Blackfoot is barely ever speechless, I think I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen her not be able to respond something someone said to her, and this is one of those times. She’s gasping for air, and I’m worried.
“Mom?”
Tears are streaming down her face and I immediately wish I could take the words back. “Are you okay?”
“No.” She shakes her head, wiping at those tears. “I want to have this conversation with you, because I have a feeling that’s what you need.”
“I do need it.” Tears burn behind my eyes too. “I desperately need it. I’ve been struggling for a while.”
“I know you have,” she tilts her head back, “but your dad needs to be here too.” She gets up, grabs her phone, and calls him. And within minutes he’s here.
“What’s going on?” He looks at the both of us, seeing the tears streaming down both our faces.
“Addalynn asked me a question, and I knew you had to be here for it too. She asked me if we were pissed we got st-st-stuck with her, when we found out we were having Caelin. She asked if we wished we would have waited just a little while longer to do the formal adoption.”
There have been times in my life when I’ve been scared of my dad. There have been times when I said things I wished I wouldn’t have. Where I probably could have made things easier on all of us by keeping my mouth in check. He’s been angry at me, sad for me, but at this moment I’ve never seen him look so broken. He deflates as he sits in the chair opposite us.
Wild: Heaven Hill Generations #2 Page 11