“What?” His voice is hoarse, tight, almost as if he’s stretching it too thin to speak.
“That’s what I said.” Mom runs a hand through her hair. “But understand she needs the answers to these questions. This is why she’s been struggling. We have to be honest with her.”
Dad leans forward, putting his elbows on his knees. “I don’t know what to say to you,” he starts, his voice low, strained, almost like he’s trying to keep from crying. I’ve never seen my dad cry, ever. “Other than I understand. You know I’m adopted,” he reaches out, grabbing Mom’s hand, “I didn’t have anybody really. I was born a John Doe, and I managed to get where I am right now because of some good people. Your birth mom cared about you.” He runs his hand through his hair. “That was pretty obvious.”
“How?” I’m dying to get any piece of information he’s willing to give me. “Because I’ve always felt like I was thrown away,” I push those words out from behind my lips.
“You weren’t, your mom had your name embroidered on your diaper bag. What kind of mother who didn’t care about her child would have done that? They think she’d been clean for a while and had a relapse. She cared about you, but she just couldn’t handle life. Luckily for her, there are people who can and do. But she cared about you, that much was obvious in the amount of clothes you had, how well you were taken care of, and the fact your name was on that diaper bag. To me that said more than anything else ever could have.” Mom chimes in. “When Rooster called us to tell us a baby had been found, it was the answer to every single one of our prayers. We’d been trying to have kids, had done all the testing and everything came back okay, but I was never pregnant. It was pulling us apart in a way, and bringing us together in another. But the two of us,” she blows out a breath, “had so much love to give a child. Your dad because of his situation and me with my work here, we wanted so badly to give love to a child who needed it, even if it wasn’t our flesh and blood.”
“Take a second to listen to that Addie,” Dad encourages me. “There is no one in this world I know who is my flesh and blood besides Caelin, and that’s because he’s a part of me. You think I don’t get it? You think I don’t know why you’re struggling? We’re the same, sweetheart. We’re the same. The difference between us? You have us, and I had no one. I had to be an asshole, I had to take care of myself. You’ve grown up with every privilege we could give you, with more love than I ever thought I was capable of giving to another person besides your mom, but I never once thought to tell you. You aren’t my second choice.”
“Addie.” Mom pushes my hair back from my face. “We chose you, we didn’t choose Caelin. Although I woulda like to have been able to pick some of his personality quirks. Like fucking a grown woman on my couch.”
We all laugh together.
“You get what she’s saying? We could have had any child in the system who was brought to us. We chose you, Addie. We chose you. I can’t lie to you and tell you I’m not pissed you’ve been grappling with this and didn’t come to me. Out of anyone here, I would understand you. Being alone,” he stops, reaching for my hand, and that’s when I see the uncharacteristic tears in his eyes. “Being alone sucks.” Those tears fall. “You’ve never been alone, sweetheart, because you’ve always had us,” he chokes out a laugh. “Bet you didn’t know when you were little, I’d do your hair for you. It was awful, and the fuckin’ ponytail holders were always breaking. I’d beg you to sit still and you’d look at me with those mischievous eyes of yours and say no. God, I knew you were mine,” he cries harder, sobbing almost. “Because you were exactly like me, and fuck Addie,” he wipes those tears. “I never wanted you to grow up with the doubt I did,” he tilts his head back, inhaling deeply. “How did I miss it?”
And as my dad says those words the tears come, because finally I feel as if I wasn’t just dropped on their doorstep. I realize this is exactly where I’m meant to be. The weight lifted off my chest is tremendous, and as I push at the tears streaming down my face, I know I have to come completely clean to them.
“I hid it,” I admit, heaving great inhales of air. “I’ve done things I shouldn’t have,” I sob, letting the words spill between my lips. “Wilder got stabbed because of me. I was hanging out at Mayhem because I felt so alone. He saved me by taking a knife that was meant for me. I was the target, not him. He and I,” I decide to let it all out, “we’ve been seeing each other for the past few months, but we’ve kept it quiet because we didn’t really know where it was going, and I was in such a bad headspace. I’m sorry.” I glance at my parents hoping like hell they’re able to forgive me.
“Addie,” Dad’s voice is strong yet gentle. “Stop keeping shit inside. If you can’t talk to us, Tate, or anyone else, call Doc Jones. You know she loves you. Keeping shit inside ruins you, and I don’t want you ruined. I don’t want you taking chances with your life because you need to feel.”
“How do you know that’s what I was doing?”
“When I said we’re the same.” He reaches for my hand. “Nobody gets me like you do, and that includes Mer. There’s something about those of us who fight in this world starting from birth. I tried to talk to you about this months ago and you basically shut me down. Don’t do it again.”
“I won’t.” The promise is there in my voice. “I don’t ever want to feel the way I’ve felt the past few months. It’s been lonely and scary.”
“Obviously not too lonely.” Mom grins. “Looks like you got Wilder out of it.”
“Yeah.” I wipe my nose with a tissue, I grin back at her. “Guess I did.”
Twenty-One
Wild
I came to work late today after helping Jagger on a repo, and when I did, I heard Tyler had lit out of here like his bike was on fire. I’d wanted to ask around, see if something happened to Addie, but at the same time I don’t want to give us away to anyone who could put two and two together.
My fingers itch to text her, but I know if she needs me, she’ll let me know. It’s not easy, sitting and waiting to hear if something has happened to the woman you’ve grown to care about.
“Tyler’s on his way back,” Jagger tells me as we keep trying to pull the engine out we’re working on. “So whatever it was, it must not have been too bad.”
I hope not. But then again, no one knows about the conversation I had with Addie. As far as I know I’m the only one privy to the way she’s been feeling, and I hope it hasn’t all come to a head.
When I hear his bike pulling into the lot, it takes everything I have not to run to him and ask what the fuck has happened, if she’s okay, if she needs me. Instead, I stay back as he goes and talks to Liam. I do take note he doesn’t look like the man he did yesterday. If anything, Tyler looks like he’s been beaten down by the world today. Which leads me to believe maybe Addie did speak to him.
Liam’s eyes cut to where I’m standing and he nods as he claps his friend on the shoulder. “Shit”, I mumble under my breath. It feels like it takes him a century to walk across the pavement and to the bay where I’m standing. When he stops in front of me, his voice is quiet.
“Need to have a word with you, out back.”
Fuck I’m about to have to give up my prospect patch. Looking at Jagger, I whisper an apology and immediately make my way behind him.
When we get there and I realize just how alone we are, I kind of start to panic, and I hope he’s not going to stuff my body in an oil drum. He has a seat and it looks as if he struggles with where to start, finally I hear him start to speak.
“I talked to Addie today and she told me about the two of you.”
“I never meant to lie to you,” I rush forward with words. “It started out as not really serious, and I don’t mean that as bad as it sounds. Over the past few weeks, it’s turned into something a little more than just a fling.”
“She’s an adult.” He stops me with his hand. “She doesn’t have to tell me about everything she does, in fact, I’d rather she not, because I’m her da
d and some of that shit I just don’t want to know.”
“Is she okay?” I ask, scared for him to answer. “I mean I heard you left here quickly.”
Tyler takes a seat, putting his arms on the picnic tables they have set up in the back for us to eat our lunches on. He puts his head in his hands, sighing. “I’m not sure that she’s really okay.” He shakes his head. “She’s dealing with something that I hoped she would never deal with. She feels lost and alone. The only person who’s made her feel not alone in the last few months is you.”
His words floor me. “I’m the reason?”
“Yeah.” He runs his hands over his face. “Apparently you saw something, only knowing her for a little while, that none of us who’ve known her whole life, saw. You saw how much she needed someone and you were there.”
“I was there for selfish reasons.” My voice is quiet as I talk to this man who appears larger than life, but seems to have been taken down by the knowledge his daughter was struggling and he didn’t know why. “I needed someone too. She was lonely, I was lonely, and the two of us made each other not so lonely.”
Tyler looks at me, and I almost feel like he can see directly into my soul when he does. It makes me uncomfortable, but I sit there, taking it, because I care about her and I want him to know it. “Why were you lonely?”
I’ve never been big at opening up to other people, but something tells me I can open up to him. He’ll understand and maybe offer some help in what I’ve been feeling. Everyone else in the club seems to look to him for answers to their questions, and that’s good enough for me.
“My grandfather raised me for the most part. Never knew my dad, my mom wasn’t the type of mother to take care of a kid. I have a feeling Addie and I share that. A few months ago he died.” I reach into my pocket, taking out a pack of cigarettes. I offer one to Tyler, who takes it, lighting it with his own lighter. “After that, I just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. No family, no real friends, nothing to hold me to small-town Mississippi. There was no way I could afford to keep his house, I barely could afford to have him cremated. He doesn’t have a damn tombstone. Hell, I carry him around in a box, he was on my bike, now he’s in the house.” I take a drag off my cigarette, fighting the threat of tears. “I can’t bear to let him go just yet. He was the only person who ever believed in me, who ever cared about me, and being without him? It’s too much.”
“So you had to sell the house?” Tyler questions, taking a drag off his, blowing smoke away from me.
“It was too much for one person, and without his pension, I couldn’t afford it. The small insurance policy he had paid for some of the cremation. Without him there, I couldn’t stay. There were memories everywhere I looked. So I packed my bike up and came north. That’s when my bike broke down, and you know the rest.”
Tyler sighs deeply. “Well there’s one thing I can tell you, we’ve got you now. Once we bring someone into our family, we don’t let them go. You’re never gonna be alone again. While I do wish that hadn’t happened to you, I’m glad you made it here to us.”
“I’m glad I did too, I had no idea how drastically my life was going to change when I came to a stop off that exit.”
“None of us ever know how life is going to change.”
“That’s the truth if I’ve ever heard it. I never expected any of this.”
“Is everything okay?” I hear Liam’s voice as he cautiously walks to where we’re sitting.
“Yeah, things are fine.” Tyler gets up from the picnic table, shaking my hand. “Need to talk to you, though,” he tells his friend.
“Just making sure you weren’t killing the prospect,” Liam jokes.
“Nah, he’s good.”
Those words mean a hell of a lot more than I ever thought they would. I finish my cigarette and head back to work.
Addie
I sit in the driveway of Wild’s house, waiting for him to come home. After leaving CRISIS, I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. Tate texted me, telling me she would be staying with Remy tonight. I’m figuring soon she’s going to tell me she’ll be moving into his dorm room, and while I don’t necessarily like it, I’m still happy for her. Selfishly, like anyone else, I do wonder what that means for me. After last night, I wonder if it means I’ll be spending more time with Wild. Almost immediately I know that’s probably going to be the case.
Because we’ve told my parents about us, I don’t park in the garage. Sick of hiding, sick of pretending. I don’t have to do it anymore, so I won’t. When I hear the sound of a motorcycle coming up the road, my heart beats faster, I get this funny feeling in my stomach and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.
He pulls into the driveway and shuts the bike off. Getting out of the SUV, I turn to face him. He has the same kind of smile across his face, and I can’t help but walk slowly toward him.
“You okay?”
I nod. “I am, but it’s been a day, and I really needed to not be alone.”
“Isn’t that something?” He gets off the bike, walking toward me. “I didn’t want to be alone either.”
As soon as I get close enough, he scoops me up, holding me tightly against his chest. Picking me up in his arms as we walk to the house. It’s difficult but he manages to get the door open and takes us inside. Once there, in what’s become my refuge from the outside world, I finally feel like I can breathe.
Twenty-Two
Addie
We’re sitting in the chair, me on his lap, and he’s holding his arms loosely around me. It’s what I need though, this silence, this peace after I’ve been so caught up in my own head lately.
“Do you want to talk about it, Shortcake?” he asks as he mindlessly rubs my finger with his.
A couple of days ago, I would have told him no, would have avoided this conversation at all costs. Today? Today I think I’m ready, I’m ready to talk about the things that bother me, and ready to let him in. Most people would say I’m wishy-washy, but the truth is once I make a decision, I go balls to the wall with it. I’m an all-in, or an all-out kind of girl, and with Wild – I’ve decided to be completely all-in.
“I finally told my mom and dad how I was feeling, ya know like they got stuck with me and then their dreams came true with Caelin. I flat out asked them if they regretted adopting me, because I’ve felt so out of place lately.”
“What did they say?”
“Basically that I’m stupid.” I laugh. “Ya know, I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Like what it stems from. Why I feel so left out, and why I don’t feel like I have a place in this world, and I’ve been putting the blame on the wrong people.”
“Oh yeah?” He runs his free hand through my hair, as I situate myself to sit sideways on him.
“I think feeling left out actually comes from Tate being with Remy.” My voice is low, full of shame, and I’m scared to admit these feelings out loud, but I know if I can do it with anybody, I can do it with him.
It takes me a while to get my thoughts together, I don’t want to sound like a brat, but the truth of the matter is, no matter what I say, it’s all going to sound selfish.
“You can tell me,” he encourages. “There’s no judgment here.”
“For as long as I can remember, Tatum and I have been best friends. We’ve done everything together. When she and Remy first started messing around, I was the person she’d come to every time there was a new milestone in their relationship. Sometime over the past few months, she stopped coming to me. Everything was so hush-hush and it felt like she was keeping something from me. Like I wasn’t a part of her life anymore.”
“Have you talked to her about it?”
That’s probably the worst part about all of this. “No, I’ve just let my feelings build up, and the more she didn’t talk to me, the worse I felt. Like I didn’t belong, like I wasn’t good enough to share what was going on in her and Remy’s life with. The more I felt like I was pushed out, the more I started to go to Mayhem, and t
he more I started to pull away from my family,” I explain softly. “When really I should have confronted her, told her how I felt, and asked her to explain why maybe I wasn’t the same friend as I was before.”
“Are you going to do that?”
I wrinkle my nose as I turn to face him fully. “I don’t think so. Over this last little bit, I kind of get where she’s coming from. Especially since you got stabbed. Remy’s her person now. I might still be her friend, but he’s her person. He’s the one she goes to when she’s happy, sad, scared. All of the above.”
“It’s a part of growing up.” His voice is soothing in my ear. “You find the person you want to be with, and you be with them. Fuck the rest.”
“Exactly, and I wasn’t understanding that. I didn’t get it, but after seeing you laying in that bed and being scared to death you wouldn’t make it, I get it.”
His hand comes up from where it’s been resting on my stomach. Palming my cheek, we face each other, my eyes looking into his. “You were worried I wouldn’t make it?”
There’s a sting in the back of my throat. “So scared, and I knew it was because of me. You have no idea the guilt I felt, and then I up and left.”
“You ran,” he accuses softly.
“I did,” I agree. “You made me feel things I’ve never felt before and those things were scary. They weren’t emotions I was ready to give into, but I am now.”
“Are you?” His voice is deep, questioning with an intensity I’ve never seen from him before.
“I’m all-in with this. No matter what that means, where that takes us, or anything else. I am fucking all-in.”
The smile he gifts me with is one that gives him crinkles at his eyes, spreading widely across his face. I love it; it’s everything to me, and for the first time in a long time I’m thankful for the life I have. The family I’ve been given and the circumstances that brought me here. Maybe my real mom wasn’t able to take care of me, but I got the best of everything else, and for the first time I realize exactly what that means.
Wild: Heaven Hill Generations #2 Page 12