He scrutinized himself in his mirror. Most muses didn’t have mirrors in their tents. Sawyer had picked this one up sometime last month. It was a full-length mirror, but it had a stand so that it stayed upright on its own. Nora had teased him about it. “You’re such a girl,” she had said.
And wasn’t that what he had wanted? To be a girl?
No. That was what he had thought he wanted. Now he wasn’t sure. But it was so ingrained in his identity that to do anything different, he had to wear a Halloween costume. What was he going as for Halloween?
A man.
Sawyer rubbed his hands over the jeans and t-shirt of his costume. He hadn’t shaved this morning. That was part of it. He rubbed his jaw, feeling the prickle of sprouting hairs. If Nora had noticed, she hadn’t said anything.
And wasn’t that what all of this was about? Nora?
He looked good. He turned that way and this way in front of the mirror. He looked... masculine. Sawyer grinned at himself. He liked it.
But it felt like a costume. It was funny, though, because if he was honest with himself, everything he wore felt like a costume. There were no clothes created by muse or man that expressed who Sawyer was. He wasn’t a guy, not really. But he definitely wasn’t a girl.
He had thought...
When puberty happened, Sawyer had been glad because it meant that he could officially move into the tweens and rebels enclave. He wasn’t particularly disturbed by the changes that happened to his body. After all, it was mostly the same. He hadn’t harbored any secret wish that when he grew up, he would somehow magically become a woman. But he had known something was wrong. The kids that he had grown up with, people he had sort of looked at as blank slates—simply people—they all seemed to be forming allegiances. He knew that wasn’t really what it was. For them, it was natural. If you were a girl, when your body started changing into a woman’s body, it was natural to become more feminine. If you were a guy, the opposite was true. The problem was that even though Sawyer knew that he was biologically male, he didn’t feel an allegiance either way. And somehow, with prepubescent logic, he had thought that there were two genders and that he needed to pick one.
No, that wasn’t exactly right. He had thought that he was genderless. So if he wanted to pick a gender, he could. He liked pretty things. It seemed like girl clothes were more interesting than boy clothes. So he had thought, I’ll be a girl.
But he had known all along that it was just something he was playing at. He wasn’t really a girl. And he might have a penis, but he wasn’t really a guy either. He knew that somewhere deep down, somewhere in the reaches of his soul.
Being attracted to people, though... Well, that hadn’t seemed important for a very long time. He was weird. He was an outcast. No one was attracted to him. He figured he didn’t have to think about it. When he did, he reminded himself that he had picked the female gender. And girls liked boys. Therefore, he should be attracted to boys. And he was.
He was.
He had been attracted to Jack. Of course he had been attracted to Jack. Maybe he had been a little... shy. But Jack was his first everything. There wasn’t something wrong with Sawyer if he had sometimes kept their make out sessions from going... too far. It was what Maddie and Nora did, wasn’t it? They weren’t ready, and so they didn’t go too far.
But it was completely different when you were heterosexual. It was completely different because, for straight people, sex was clearly defined. For straight people, blow jobs were not sex. For gay guys...
Not that Sawyer had ever gotten anywhere near that point. He remembered the struggles well. He and Jack would be kissing, and everything would be wonderful. And then Jack’s hand would start wandering lower and lower. And that was when Sawyer would stop him. Because... because it was too intense. Because it was too much.
But not because he wasn’t really gay, like Jack eventually started saying to him. Not because of Nora. Jack said that too. But Jack only said that because he was frustrated, right? Because Jack was older. And Jack had more experience. And Jack expected certain things. And Sawyer was...
It wasn’t like Jack said. Sawyer wasn’t afraid of being gay. He wasn’t afraid of another man’s hands on him. If anything, he was just afraid of himself. He was afraid of being a sexual being. He was afraid that if he and Jack did something, it would go horribly wrong. Nothing that had been involved with Sawyer’s gender had worked well so far. He didn’t have a lot of hope that sex would either. What if he tried it and found out he was defective in that way too?
And there was another thought. An awful thought. One that had been plaguing him for a year, ever since the night that Owen had killed Dirk. The night that he had kissed Nora. He hadn’t planned it, that kiss. It had simply happened. Afterwards, he told himself it was only because he was so glad to see that she was okay. But he wondered if things would have been easier with Jack if that kiss had never happened.
The kiss confused him. Why had he done it? Why had it made it harder to look at Nora? Why was it that sometimes, at night, he thought about it? Thought about doing it again? And why did that thought made him so nervous and excited?
Nora didn’t even think of him that way. He was one of the girls. That was how Sawyer had always thought about himself. Sexless. No identity. He created his own image.
Maybe he’d gone out with Jack to try to stop thinking about the kiss. Jack’s kisses were sweeter and more urgent than the kiss with Nora had been. They were more passionate. And they wrenched all kinds of sensations and feelings out of his body. They should have been able to wipe it from his mind. But somehow they hadn’t.
And being in a relationship with Jack had made it all tougher. Helicon was very accepting of homosexuality. It wasn’t a big deal at all. But that didn’t mean that there weren’t more straight people than gay people in Helicon. And that didn’t mean that the gay community, being as small as it was, wasn’t somehow separate from everyone else. If Sawyer started a relationship with Nora, if such a thing were even possible, he didn’t like to think about what all the other gay people would think about him. They were convinced, accepting or not, that Helicon placed a subtle amount of pressure on people to be heterosexual. They would say that Sawyer had given in to that pressure. They would say that he was in denial about who he was.
But he didn’t even know who he was.
Not that it mattered. Because nothing would ever happen between him and Nora. They were friends. And he knew that she wasn’t attracted to him. In some ways, he wasn’t even sure if he was attracted to her.
He felt protective of her, that was obvious. But that might only be because they were best friends.
He felt a strange bit of resentment towards anyone that she was involved with. But that might also be because they were friends. He was firmly on Nora’s side in any argument with a guy. It wasn’t uncommon for best friends not to like each other’s boyfriends. Especially since Nora hadn’t seemed particularly happy in either of the relationships he’d witnessed.
He thought about kissing her sometimes. That wasn’t something he could explain away with friendship. And there had been that moment when they were on Avalon, when they were all huddling up against the cold. Nora’s body had been pressed up against his, and he had marveled at how soft and small she was. It had felt good to be close to her.
He was attracted to her. There was no point in trying to talk himself out of it. It was there.
Okay, sure. But that didn’t mean he should do anything about it. Agler was going to come back. They would probably make up. That would be that.
* * *
Nora poked her head into Maddie’s tent. “Are you in here, or are you off with Daryl already?”
“I’m here,” came Maddie’s voice. “Come in, I want to see your costume.”
Nora entered the tent. Maddie’s back was to her, but she could see that the costume showed a lot of skin, which was... painted green?
“I actually haven’t seen Daryl much over the
past few days,” Maddie said, turning around. “I know I said he was being smothering, but seriously— Oh! I love your costume.”
Nora was dressed as a cowgirl. She had made a hat, fashioned some holsters, and even sculpted a few fake guns. She was pretty proud of herself. Making it had taken a lot of effort. “Yours too,” she said, taking Maddie in.
Maddie’s hair was wound up around her head in a complicated topknot. She wore a tiny green top and a tiny little skirt. The fabric had the look of moss. Her skin had been painted a light shade of green. Nora was struck by just how much weight her friend had lost. She was positively tiny. “You look really hot,” Nora said. “Daryl is going to lose it.”
Maddie took a nervous breath. “You think? I’m kind of thinking that maybe tonight I might drink a little bit and then just, you know, do it with him.”
Nora’s eyes widened. “For serious?” Maddie didn’t drink. And Nora hadn’t realized her friend’s relationship with Daryl had progressed to quite that point. Although, she guessed she should have. They had been spending every waking moment together for the past few months, and Nora had been a little nauseated on more than one occasion by their public displays of affection.
Maddie nodded. “You think I’m moving too fast?”
Nora wasn’t sure what to say. “Well, I mean, if you’re ready.” She eyed Maddie with concern. “Is he pressuring you?”
Maddie laughed. “No. How many times do I have to remind you that he is not Owen?”
Nora was chagrined. “Sorry. It seems a little out of the blue is all. I didn’t know you were thinking about doing it.”
“I’m ready. And I really like him.”
“Do you love him?”
Maddie didn’t answer for a few minutes. “I think so. He loves me. He said it, and I said it back, so...”
“You didn’t tell me he said he loved you! When was this?”
“In September.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? That’s a totally big deal. It’s a milestone or something.”
“Yeah,” said Maddie. She wasn’t meeting Nora’s eyes.
“Something’s wrong,” said Nora.
“No,” said Maddie. She smiled at Nora. “It’s nothing.”
It was something. “Maddie. Tell me.”
Maddie sat down on her hammock. “It’s nothing. Not really. It’s only that before I accidentally sent myself to Avalon, Daryl was... different. He was less intense, you know? When I compare the way he acts around me now to the way he acted around me then, it almost seems like he was, I don’t know, almost faking it. For months.”
Nora took Maddie’s hand, then let go of it. “Am I going to get green stuff all over me?”
“No, the body paint won’t come off. I got it special in the visual arts enclave.”
She grabbed her hand. “You should have seen him after you were gone. He went after Owen. He was completely destroyed. I think maybe he didn’t realize how much he cared about you until you were gone.”
“Kind of like how you felt about Agler?”
“Yeah.” Nora debated telling Maddie what she knew about Daryl and the dare. Then she decided it would only hurt her. Daryl cared about her now. That was all that mattered.
“I guess that makes sense.” Maddie smiled brightly. “Anyway, since he’s been scarce lately, maybe this will bring us even closer.”
Nora felt nervous for her, but also a little excited. “You’re going to be the first one of us to lose your virginity, do you realize that?”
Maddie looked a little stunned. “And I thought I would never even have a boyfriend.”
“If you didn’t, in that costume, you would definitely get plenty of male attention. What are you supposed to be, anyway?”
“I’m a fairy, duh.” Then Maddie cringed. “Oh, crap, Nora. I didn’t even think. You and Owen and the fairy. Does this bother you?”
Nora shook her head. “You know what, I wouldn’t have even thought of it if you hadn’t brought it up. I think I’m really getting past this Owen stuff. He hasn’t left me any creepy messages in months, you know?”
Maddie hugged her. “Awesome. Then you and Agler can get back together and there won’t be any friction at all.”
The sound of electric guitars rent the air. Halloween was the one holiday of the year in Helicon that the muses plugged in.
Nora stood up. “The music is starting. Should we head out?”
“Yeah. Let’s go get Sawyer.”
They walked across the enclave to Sawyer’s tent.
“Sawyer,” called Nora, pushing aside the tent flap. “We’re coming in.” She entered the tent and was met by a guy she’d never seen before. Had Sawyer already decided to date someone else? Were they in the wrong tent? “I’m sorry, is Sawyer—”
Then she realized, and she screamed.
Sawyer flinched. “Are you okay?”
“Oh my god, you’re a guy,” she said. She turned to Maddie. “He’s a guy.”
Maddie peered around Nora. She started laughing. “That is awesome, Sawyer. You look...”
“He looks like a guy,” said Nora, still astonished. “Exactly like a guy. I almost didn’t recognize you.”
Sawyer was blushing. “I thought it would be funny.”
“It’s hilarious,” said Maddie.
“You look so different,” said Nora. She stepped forward, touching the blond stubble that was thick on Sawyer’s chin.
“He doesn’t look that different,” said Maddie.
But he did. Nora thought he did, anyway. It wasn’t just the clothes or the beard or the fact he’d pulled his longish hair into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. Sure, his face had a more rugged look to it, and his adam’s apple seemed so much more prominent. But as they left his tent, Nora saw that he moved differently. He seemed taller too. And had his shoulders always been that broad? Sawyer was scrawny—he was the antithesis of muscular—but why did he seem so much bigger than usual? He had somehow put on the skin of a man, and he was no longer her Sawyer anymore. He was different. He was someone else. She felt nervous around him.
She scolded herself for being silly. It was a costume, that was all.
They trudged out of the tweens and rebels enclave together. The Halloween celebration ranged all over Helicon. It wasn’t confined to the main fire pit. Each of the enclaves contributed something. This year, tweens and rebels hadn’t done much more than decorate the big treehouse with orange crepe paper, but that was fairly typical. The adult muses didn’t bother to go back to the tweens and rebels enclave pretty much ever. And the kids weren’t allowed there.
The food enclave had a station set up so that people could make their own caramel apples. The story enclave had spooky stories around the campfire. The visual arts enclave had contributed numerous sculptures and decorations—from silly skeletons to life-like severed limbs. It wasn’t uncommon, as they traipsed around, to come upon various horrific tableaus. A sculpture of the man in a doctor’s costume with a bloody knife. A grave with a zombie crawling out of it. If the light was just right, and if she wasn’t expecting it, they gave Nora quite a fright. The architecture enclave had an elaborate haunted house, which Nora was intent on visiting. The wine and spirits enclave had concocted various themed drinks, some of which smoked. The science enclave was actually conducting experiments on dead plants, trying to revive them again. Everywhere, there was scary and creepy things to do.
The whole of Helicon was wandering around, including little kids, who were going from enclave to enclave trick-or-treating. Everyone was in costume. The costumes were elaborate and amazing. They were detailed, eclectic, over-the-top. Nora felt like she had been sucked into a fun house. The night breeze was cool, a little bit nippy. The air smelled like opened fire and fallen leaves. She was so entranced by all of it that she forgot to be nervous about seeing Agler later.
“So what are we going to do first?” Nora said.
“Wine and spirits enclave,” said a voice behind them.
They turned to see Daryl. He was wearing a police uniform from the mundane world and grinning. The shiny badge on his chest said, “Muse police.”
“Hey Daryl,” said Nora. “Nice costume.”
He laughed. “Everyone in the security enclave is wearing them.” He surveyed the three of them. “You guys look great. Sawyer, I’ve never seen you looking quite so butch.”
Sawyer shrugged.
Daryl wound an arm around Maddie’s waist and pulled her close to him, kissing her. “And you. You look amazing.”
Maddie beamed. Nora couldn’t help but feel happy for her friend.
“So,” said Daryl. “Wine and spirits?”
Sawyer was game. “We need lubrication for the long night ahead.”
“Eww,” said Maddie. “You make it sound dirty.” She grinned. “But I do think I’d like a drink.”
Sawyer raised his eyebrows. “You? A drink?”
Maddie shrugged. “I’m feeling crazy tonight.”
Daryl grinned at her. The two started whispering to each other.
Nora turned to Sawyer. “She told me she’s thinking about going all the way with him tonight,” she said in a low voice.
“That explains the costume, I guess.” Sawyer kept his voice low as well. “I can’t believe how much weight she’s lost.”
Nora nodded. “She’s super thin, all right.”
After they all had smoking green drinks, they headed down to the music. Usually music in Helicon happened organically. But the Halloween celebration more closely resembled a concert. Groups of muses had formed into “bands.” They each played sets. They were set up in the amphitheater, where the play had taken place.
As they walked, Daryl said, “You guys up for a trip to the mundane world tonight?”
Maddie elbowed him playfully. “What do you want to go to the mundane world for? You can go there anytime you want.”
“Sure,” said Daryl. “But you guys can’t. And it’s the tradition, isn’t it? Tweens go to the mundane world on Halloween. So you want to?”
“I don’t know,” said Nora. “There’s so much to do here.” She looked around at the lights and decorations.
The Helicon Muses Omnibus: Books 1-4 Page 53