He cringed. “Sorry. I feel like this should be more romantic.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “Maybe we should kiss more.”
He nodded. “Right.”
“Like if we stop worrying about it?”
His lips came for hers.
She wrapped her arms around him, running her fingers over his back, letting her hands trail down to cup his backside. He was really completely naked. They both were.
The thought sent little shivers of excitement through her.
Sawyer sighed against her mouth. “Gods, Nora, this is…” He pulled back. His eyes were half lidded in desire. “You’re wonderful.”
She gasped at that. His words made her feel tingly all over. She wrapped her legs around his hips.
And abruptly, suddenly, he slid into her.
She let out a cry of surprise.
Sawyer’s eyes widened. “Whoa.”
Okay, wow, so that was… it was happening. Sawyer’s… was inside her.
And it felt…
Sawyer kissed her again.
He was moving.
She winced a little bit. It was kind of difficult to adjust to the feeling of it there. It didn’t hurt, not exactly, but it was sort of uncomfortable, like her body needed to stretch to accommodate him. She shifted beneath him.
Sawyer’s breath sped up and so did his thrusts.
Okay. Well, that was…
Nothing.
It just felt like… nothing.
She was sincerely disappointed.
Sawyer sounded like a steam engine over top of her. He was puffing away, pistoning in and out of her body. A part of his body was inside her body. And they were touching everywhere. He was kissing her jaw, the underside of her chin, her neck, anything he could get his lips on. But she had never felt further away from him in her entire life.
It was like they were having completely different experiences at the same time.
She shut her eyes. Maybe if she just concentrated, it would feel good?
But no. She was almost numb to it now. It didn’t feel horrible or anything, but it felt about as good as someone incessantly running his finger over the tip of her nose. And now that it had been happening for so long, she could hardly feel anything at all.
This was sex?
And it just kept going on and on.
She was bored.
She started thinking about what was happening down at the May Day celebration. Maybe after they were done with this, they could go back and get something else to drink or dance or something, because she was beginning to feel like the entire evening was a huge loss.
Sawyer’s skin was growing slick with sweat. She didn’t really like it. It was kind of sticky.
She chewed on her lip. She wondered about telling him to stop.
But it seemed he was really working hard at doing something, so maybe she shouldn’t bother him.
She waited.
And eventually, he stopped. His body went into a spasm against hers. He made a guttural noise deep in his throat, and he squeezed her. Then he relaxed, panting into her ear.
She lay beneath him, listening to the sound of his breath.
He was falling asleep?
For real?
She nudged him, trying to move out from beneath his sweaty body.
He rolled off of her, and the hammock swung back and forth.
“Mmm…” Sawyer’s hands roamed over her skin.
“Sawyer?”
“Mmm?”
“Are you falling asleep?”
“Mmm.”
Great.
Well, she’d wait until he fell asleep, and then she’d climb out of the hammock and go back to the main fire pit.
Sawyer curled around her body. The sound of his breath grew even and steady.
Was he asleep yet?
She wasn’t sure.
And while she waited for Sawyer to fall asleep, sleep claimed her instead.
She dreamed about Owen. She was having sex with him, and he was laughing at her, telling her she didn’t know what she was doing.
* * *
Maddie’s legs were shaking. She pulled her dress down over her body, covering herself. She sat up, tucking her legs underneath herself.
Agler was rearranging his clothes. He looked down at his fingers.
She saw it too. They were covered in something. She couldn’t tell what it was in the dark.
“Shit,” said Agler.
She kind of wanted to get up and run away, but she thought it would be rude.
“Maddie, you never did this before?”
“So?”
Agler flinched. “Are you kidding me? You were so… bold. The way you grabbed me like that…” He wiped his fingers on the grass.
It was blood, Maddie realized. Her blood. She’d known that was going to happen. She’d even known it was going to hurt. But she hadn’t thought it would be such a big deal. She hadn’t thought it would be that bad.
Agler was shaking his head. “I thought you and Daryl—”
“No.”
He reached for her. “Hey, if I had known that you were a virgin—”
“You wouldn’t have done it?” She evaded his grasp.
“I wouldn’t have done it like that,” he said.
She got to her feet. Her legs were still shaking. It was hard to stand.
“Maddie, I’m sorry.” He got up too.
“Don’t…” She shook her head. “You don’t get to feel bad for me. I’m fine.”
“Are you?” he said. “Because you don’t really seem like you are.”
She was actually fighting tears. She’d been crying while he did it, and he hadn’t even noticed.
He squeezed his eyes shut. “What was I thinking?”
The tears spilled out over her cheeks. “Gee, thanks.” Her voice sounded thick.
“That’s not what I meant.” He reached for her again. “It’s only that I would have been more careful. I would have been more… gentle…”
She took a step backwards. “It’s fine, Agler. I wanted it over with, and it is.”
“Maddie, listen—”
“No, just leave me alone.” She was crying worse now. Her voice broke. “Please.”
She backed away from him.
He dragged a hand over his face. “I’m sorry.”
She turned away and ran.
* * *
Nora woke up before Sawyer did. It was early in the morning, and she knew she couldn’t have been asleep for more than four or five hours. But she had to go to the bathroom, so she crawled out of the hammock. She couldn’t find her clothes, so she put on one of Sawyer’s shirts and skirts. They were just a touch too big for her.
Before she left the tent, she looked back at him, asleep and peaceful on the hammock, and he looked beautiful. He looked innocent and young and vulnerable, and she realized that she wanted him protected.
And then she realized that something was sliding down her thighs.
Eew.
After a guy ejaculated, it didn’t stay… inside?
Gross.
She shoved aside the flap of the tent furiously. This sex thing was completely unfair on every single level.
Supposedly, there weren’t STDs in Helicon, or at least, if there were, the healers were able to take care of them right away. The only thing she had to worry about was pregnancy, and that was easy enough to do. She just had to halt her aging. Freezing her growth effectively froze her cycle too. She only had to do it for four to six days. That should be long enough for anything Sawyer had left in her to die.
Of course, near as she could tell it was all just coming out.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
But seriously. Why did she have to worry about about halting her aging, protecting against pregnancy, and deal with the gross… stuff left behind in her body? What did Sawyer have to deal with?
Nothing, that was what.
And she got the feeling that he’d actually enjoyed it.
He’d been all hesitant about doing it, and she’d practically jumped him, and then what was her reward?
Her reward was that it was nothing special. It was boring and dumb.
Fuming, she went into the bath house at the edge of the enclave.
She went into one of the stalls and used the bathroom. She tried to clean up all the stuff that was coming out of her, but ended up deciding on a shower.
In the shower, she realized she was kind of sore. Muscles she didn’t know she had ached. And it was a little bit tender between her legs.
She was even angrier.
Could this get worse?
As she got out of the shower, she saw that Maddie was exiting one of the other stalls.
“Good morning,” she said. “You’re up early.”
“I haven’t been to sleep yet,” said Maddie. “I just took the longest shower of all time.”
“Oh,” said Nora. She cocked her head. “Are you okay?”
Maddie looked away.
“Sorry,” Nora said. “I know you don’t like to talk to me.”
“Actually,” said Maddie, “I was just wishing we were still best friends.”
“We are,” said Nora. “I mean, we could be.”
Maddie ran a hand through her wet hair. “Oh gods, Nora.”
“What’s wrong?”
Maddie took a shaky breath. “I had sex with Agler.”
“What?” Nora said.
She nodded. “Yeah. And it was horrible.”
“I know, right? Sex is completely overrated.”
Maddie let out a barking laugh. “Completely.”
Nora went to her friend, opening her arms wide.
Maddie embraced her tightly.
* * *
Agler woke up lying in the field outside. The fire in the main fire pit was burned down to embers, and the sun had just come up. His head was pounding.
That was right. After he’d realized what he’d done to Maddie, he’d started drinking again.
It tasted like something had crawled inside his mouth and died.
What the hell had he done?
Why the hell had he drunk so much?
Fuck.
He stumbled back to the tweens and rebels enclave to brush his teeth and take a shower. He was going to need to eat something, and then he was going back to sleep. He felt like sleeping for days.
After his shower, he felt almost human. He wandered across the enclave, heading towards the food enclave. That was when he saw Nora and Maddie sitting in the tree house.
He debated leaving them alone.
But no. He couldn’t leave things the way he had with Maddie. She’d been crying. She’d run away from him.
He felt awful. He should have known better. Maddie was younger than him. She was too young. He hadn’t had any finesse with her. He’d been clumsy and forceful and brutish. He’d been drunk. He probably would have been a bad lay no matter what. But that had been her first time. She would remember that forever.
He’d made her cry.
He felt sick to his stomach as he climbed the spiral staircase that wound around the tree house.
The girls saw him coming, and they both got quiet.
He heard Nora say in a low voice, “Do you want me to get rid of him?”
“It’s okay,” said Maddie. “Just stay with me. Please?”
Agler’s heart sank. She wouldn’t talk to him alone? Was she afraid of him? Gods, could he blame her if she was?
He ducked into the platform where the girls sat. “Hi.”
They both just stared at him.
“Um, I wanted to talk to Maddie?”
Nora crossed her arms over her chest. “So. Talk.”
He peered around Nora, trying to catch Maddie’s eye. “Can we talk alone?”
Maddie wouldn’t look at him. “She knows everything. I told her.”
Great. That was absolutely perfect. “Uh…” He was having a hard time looking at her too, now. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she said.
“She’s not okay,” said Nora.
Agler felt his chest growing tight. “I should never have…”
“No, I don’t think you should have,” said Nora. She looked disgusted with him.
He studied his hands. He didn’t think he’d ever felt so ashamed. He felt sick again. But maybe that was only because he’d had too much to drink last night. His stomach roiled.
“It wasn’t his fault,” said Maddie. “He asked me if I was sure, and I said I was. He asked me more than once. I told him to do it, and I didn’t stop him. He couldn’t have known—”
“I should have,” he interrupted. “I should have paid better attention to you. I should have thought things through. I’m so sorry, Maddie.”
Nora looked at Maddie. “You shouldn’t defend him. You were drunk. You were probably too drunk to consent.” She turned on Agler. “And you. You were horrible to her.”
Agler hung his head.
“I could consent,” said Maddie. “I wanted to do it. It’s not Agler’s fault.”
Nora chewed on her lip. “You know you might be too traumatized to know how you feel yet.”
Maddie sighed. “Look, no matter what, it wouldn’t have been good. Right?”
Nora considered. “Yeah, I guess not.”
Agler cleared his throat. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
They ignored him.
Maddie leaned around Nora. She looked at him. “I’m not angry with you. You’re forgiven or whatever. But I think it would be better if we didn’t have to talk, you know?”
He scratched the back of his head. “Really? You don’t even want to talk?”
Her gaze flitted away.
“Well, then I don’t really think you forgive me.” He sighed. “Not that I deserve it.”
Nora glared at him. “You just can’t understand. You’re a guy. Everything is great for you.”
“What?” he said. “That’s not fair.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I bet you had a great time. It probably felt great to you. And there’s poor Maddie, lying there, just waiting for it to be actually good or something. And you couldn’t even be bothered to notice that she wasn’t into it.”
“I noticed,” said Agler.
She raised her eyebrows.
“Okay, maybe not soon enough,” said Agler. “I was a jackass. You’re right. I should have been more attentive. I should never have kissed her in the first place. That damned fucking dress—”
“That is not an excuse.” Nora was on her feet. She bumped her head on the roof of the platform as she shook her finger in his face.
He backed away. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. She just…” He looked at Maddie. “You were very beautiful. You looked… amazing, and I’m sorry, because the last thing I was trying to do was hurt you.”
Nora glared at him. “Why don’t you go away? I can’t really stand being around men right now. Your whole gender makes me sick.”
Agler took another step back, struck by the venom in her voice. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing,” said Nora.
He should go. He wasn’t making anything better by being here. He turned, started back to the steps. Then he stopped. He turned. “Um, I’m going to changed the rule about the tents. It seems kind of hypocritical of me. And… majorly stupid.”
“Whatever,” said Nora.
He raised his eyebrows. “I thought that would make you happy. You and Sawyer—”
“Go away, Agler.”
Man, he was never going to understand Nora, was he?
He took a few steps down the stairs. “Um, Maddie, can I ask just one question?”
Nora sighed.
“Why did you say that it wouldn’t have been good no matter what?” he asked. “Did you hear something from someone? Because I really think that when I’m not too drunk to walk straight, I’m actually a half-decent lover. I mean,
not that you would ever want anything to do with me again, Maddie, but…” This was stupid. Why was he bothering? He trailed off into a frustrated sigh.
Maddie looked down at him. “Me? You would want to… with me?”
Nora tugged her back. “Ignore him. He’s an ass.”
Maddie turned her back on him.
He continued down the steps.
He felt like crap.
* * *
Sawyer woke up alone. It was warm in his tent. He’d slept late, and he could see that it was the noon sun shining through the gaps in the tent.
He rolled over in his hammock, slowly realizing that he was naked, and then slowly remembering what had happened the night before.
Where was Nora?
He pushed himself out of his hammock and looked for something to wear.
He’d expected her to be here, but he guessed it wasn’t surprising that she wasn’t. Probably, she’d snuck back to her own tent at some point, considering that they were breaking Agler’s rule. Who knew what Agler would do if he saw them coming out of one tent together?
Sawyer dressed quickly and pushed aside his tent flaps.
He looked across the fire pit at Nora’s tent.
And was surprised to see that Nora and Maddie were working to set Maddie’s tent back up next to Nora’s, where it used to be.
Huh. What had happened?
He made his way over.
“Good morning,” he said.
Both Nora and Maddie looked up at him briefly and then went back to work.
“Good morning,” said Maddie.
Nora didn’t say anything.
Sawyer’s stomach turned over. Something was wrong. She hadn’t spoken to him. She’d left the tent. Damn it. He’d known he was going to screw up the sex thing, and he had.
“Um,” said Sawyer, “you guys want help?”
“Sure,” said Maddie brightly.
Sawyer moved forward. “Let me get the middle post. I’ll hold it in place while you guys stake down the sides of the tent.” He ducked beneath the fabric of Maddie’s tent and found the middle post.
He held it. Nora and Maddie staked stuff down.
No one said anything.
Sawyer cleared his throat. “Uh, not that I’m not happy about it, but what brought on Maddie’s move?”
“We had a talk this morning,” said Maddie.
“We bonded,” said Nora.
“Uh huh,” said Sawyer. Those were the first words Nora had said to him. Excellent. This was exactly how he’d hoped the morning after losing his virginity would go down. Exactly. He sighed.
The Helicon Muses Omnibus: Books 1-4 Page 73