“What do even mean ‘this’?” Sawyer folded his arms over his chest. “There isn’t a ‘this.’”
“The hell there isn’t.”
Sawyer lowered his voice. He didn’t want to say this part out loud, because if he did, he would be admitting that Lute was right about the fact that there was something between them. So, he muttered it instead, a sort of compromise, as if saying it quietly would make it less real. “You’re not even gay—”
“Are you gay?” said Lute.
Sawyer looked away. “It’s complicated.”
“Yeah, okay, well…” A big sigh. “I never meant this to be anything.”
“Stop staying ‘this’.”
“When I saw you in the dining room that night when it was snowing, I just thought we’d talk. Because even though I would… look at you, look at you and think things… things I never thought that I would think, especially not about someone like you, well, they were only thoughts.”
Sawyer was stunned. “What kind of things did you think?”
Lute was getting more animated. He gestured with his hands as he talked, and flung bits of soap suds everywhere. “But then you just keep showing up. You’re always here. And the more I see you, the more I think things. It’s starting to drive me insane.”
“What kind of things?”
Lute shook his head. “No, you know what? Never mind. You said you were leaving. That’s probably a good idea. Just forget about it.” He went back to the dishes, to the soapy water.
Sawyer stood behind him, not moving. He was too surprised to know what to do. He tried to will his legs to carry him out of the kitchen, so that he would get away from Lute and from all of the things that were so confusing about being near him. But his legs didn’t move. “What kind of things?” he said again.
Lute didn’t turn around. He rinsed a plate and stuck it in the dish drainer. He started scrubbing another one. When he did speak, his voice was strained. “You’re not like anyone I ever saw before, you know? I don’t think about guys the way I think about you. But then I don’t think about girls the way I think about you either. There’s something about the way you move. You do this thing sometimes where you toss your hair over your shoulder. And… I don’t know. I like seeing you do that. I see you do that, and I think about… I get curious, is all. That’s it. It’s just curiosity. I wonder what it would be like. If it would be that different. If you would feel—” He broke off and slammed another dish into the drainer. “Just go.”
Sawyer didn’t respond for a long time. He stood there, rooted to the spot. He didn’t like hearing Lute say things like that. Thus far, he’d managed to convince himself that his flirtation was all one sided. Lute was a straight boy, and that had made him safe. He could come here and bat his eyelashes and say suggestive things and ogle Lute’s body, and none of it meant anything, because he could only look. He couldn’t touch. So, even if it was a crap thing to do to Nora, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It was just a harmless crush. That’s what he’d told himself.
But it wasn’t like that, and he could see it now.
“You’re right,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I should go.”
“Yeah, go find your girlfriend,” Lute said sarcastically.
“I won’t…” Sawyer swallowed. “I won’t bother you anymore.” He took a deep breath and then he turned and walked out of the kitchen.
“Hey.” Lute’s voice coming after him. “Hold on, I shouldn’t have… I didn’t mean you have to stay away.”
But Sawyer just kept walking. A knot was forming in his chest, and it hurt.
What the hell was wrong with him?
* * *
Maddie flounced down next to Nora in the Valentine’s tent in the visual arts enclave. “Hey,” she said. “You sure you want my help on these?”
“You kidding? We need all the help we can get.”
“I don’t know how good at this I am.”
“You don’t have to be great. You just have to make Valentines.” Nora grinned.
Every year in Helicon, the visual arts enclave made heaps of generic Valentines for the non-visually inclined muses to select and give to their significant others and friends. Maddie didn’t always help out, but Nora—who spent a fair amount of time in the visual arts enclave—was always begging the others to help out this time of year.
Maddie spent most of her time in the dance enclave, and there wasn’t anything exciting going on in February. Some of the other girls were working on sensuous dances to perform for their boyfriends on Valentine’s Day, but there was no way that Maddie would do something like that. She needed to get her body just perfect before she presented it to Agler like a gift.
So, anyway, it was just as easy to come here and work on Valentines.
Maddie looked out over the large table in front of the two of them, which was strewn with various bits of paper, fabric, lace and other Valentine-making accoutrements, some fairly strange. Maddie picked up a few screws and held them up to Nora, her eyebrows raised.
Nora shrugged. “You never know what you might want to use. Maybe you don’t attach those to the Valentine. Maybe you dip them into paint and rub them over the surface to make a nifty stripy pattern.” Nora considered. “Actually, that might be cool. Hand me the screws.”
Maddie laughed, but she deposited them into Nora’s palm. “So, Sawyer’s not here to help you?”
“Nah, he’s been preoccupied lately,” said Nora. “Besides, now that we live together, it’s like he’s always around, you know?”
“That is the point of living together.” Maddie picked up several pieces of thin wood, which had already been conveniently cut into heart shapes.
“Yeah, it’s not like I’m complaining or anything. It’s only that I don’t mind a break now and then.” Nora grinned. “That’s cool, isn’t it? My relationship is so strong that sometimes I don’t even want to be around him. And it’s fine. It’s a good thing.” She sighed happily.
Maddie laughed. “You’re a weirdo.”
“What? That’s not weird. That’s what everybody wants. Everybody wants to be so comfortable with someone that they just sort of take the other person for granted.”
Maddie spread some red velvet over the heart shape. She moved her head from side to side, taking in the effect from other angles. “Sure, people want that. I guess. Maybe when you’re really old.”
Nora peered over her friend’s shoulder. “I like that velvet. After you use it, can I have the scraps?”
Maddie handed the velvet over. “Here. I’m not sure if I like it.”
“Don’t be silly.” Nora handed it back. “It’s awesome. Now cut it out and glue it down.” She gave Maddie a pair of scissors.
Maddie considered. Then she shrugged and started cutting. “Well, I’m just saying that you don’t want to be so comfortable that you forget about the passion, you know?” She snipped at the velvet. “Not that I’m saying you and Sawyer aren’t passionate. I mean, there was that whole super loud session you guys had in the middle of the afternoon.”
Nora elbowed her playfully. “That was over a month ago. Let it die.”
Maddie grinned. She was finished cutting out her heart, and she gave Nora the rest of the velvet. “Pass the glue please.”
Nora did. “Besides, we’re totally passionate. I mean, we’ve always been…”
“Been what?”
“What do you mean by ‘passion,’ exactly?”
Maddie shrugged, applying glue to her Valentine-in-progress. “You know, like when the two of you are together, and the air is filled with sparks because you know what you’re going to do to each other.”
Nora made a face. “Sparks? What?”
“Like there’s a pull between you. A desire. A need.”
“Need?”
“Yeah, a need. Like with Agler and me, it’s always like he wants me so bad, that he has to sort of hold himself back, because if he gives in completely to how much he wants me, he’ll go t
oo far. So, he keeps himself in check to please me. Like that.”
Nora set down the velvet, which she had been cutting tiny little hearts out of. “Um… it’s not like that with Sawyer and me.”
“Well, I mean, that’s just an example. There are tons of ways to be passionate.”
“Yeah.” Nora sounded thoughtful.
Maddie tapped her lip, trying to think of a better way to explain it. She noticed that Colin Oak had entered the visual arts enclave. He was a good-looking guy. She’d never really paid much attention to him before, but now that she saw him… wow. She lowered her voice. “Hey, have you noticed Colin lately?”
Nora turned to her. “O-ho, yeah. He’s been spending time in the visual arts enclave. Sometimes, I stare at him on and off all day.”
“Right?” said Maddie. “Since when was he so hot?”
“I don’t know. I think he must have done something lately. Like he cut his hair or something?”
“Could be.”
The girls both stared at him, sighing.
Nora went back to her velvet cutting. “Anyway, the thing is, with Sawyer and me, it’s not all tortured like that. He doesn’t have to hold back. He doesn’t want to hurt me. It’s just nice. It’s like we’re friends who give each other orgasms. There’s no drama. And thank the gods, because I am so sick of drama.”
“Heck yeah,” said Maddie. “All the stuff that’s happened to us the past few years?”
“We totally deserve a break. No drama.”
Maddie smiled at her. “As long as Sawyer makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”
“He does make me happy.” Nora grinned back. “Very happy.”
* * *
“So, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I wouldn’t be available this year.” Sawyer was in the babies and toddlers enclave, talking to Jolie, who was a member of that enclave.
He’d been helping out watching the little kids for three years running on Valentine’s Day. The babies and toddlers enclave was a catch-all place where people could drop their kids off for babysitting, or muses who had children but didn’t feel as if they could be parents could leave their offspring there permanently. Children older than toddlers hung out there as well, but they were much more independent. The muses who staffed it were people who felt inspired to be creative by taking care of children, like Jolie. Sawyer liked hanging out with the kids. He’d grown up in the enclave himself, considering his parents were in the mundane world. But he’d promised Nora that they’d have a real Valentine’s Day this year. Her strategy was to simply ignore Jolie, but Sawyer felt like he should let them know.
Although if he were being honest with himself, he was really going to babies and toddlers because he was hoping that Jolie would be so disappointed that she’d guilt him into doing it. He wanted an excuse not to have to do Valentine’s Day this year, or at least to cut it short.
But Jolie was waving it away, smiling. “Don’t worry about it, Sawyer. Turns out, this year, Geana just went through a bad breakup, and she’s bitter on the whole thought of Valentine’s Day. She’s one of the best muses here, and she’s got a crazy planned for the kids. I’m actually so excited about it, I told Robert that I’d rather be here than with him.”
“Oh,” said Sawyer. “And he didn’t mind?”
“When you’ve been together over seventy years, one Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything. But you’re young. You and Nora should have a nice time together.”
“Yeah,” he said. “We will, don’t worry.”
Jolie gave him a big smile. “I want you to know that we’re all just tickled to death about the two of you. I know other people have given you a hard time about it, but we think it’s adorable.”
Sawyer nodded, feeling the knot inside him tighten. Suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to get away from Jolie and be alone. He said his goodbyes as quickly as he could without being impolite, and then he tore out of there.
Once out of the babies and toddlers enclave, he took off into the woods rather than walk through any other areas of Helicon. He didn’t want to chance running into someone. He was woefully confused.
He loved Nora. He’d loved her from afar, back when he was sure that she didn’t want anything to do with him, when he was sure he was too girly for her. He’d fought hard for her. Hell, he’d gotten his finger cut off just to kiss her. So, that must mean something. It meant that he couldn’t just throw what they had away.
But he thought about Lute Thundercloud all the time. Lute, with his tanned skin, and his white teeth. And his insouciant smile, which always made Sawyer feel unbalanced and sweaty.
Sawyer had never reacted this way to another person. He’d had a tiny crush on Jack before the two of them got together, but that hadn’t been like this. It hadn’t been this violent or physical. And he didn’t feel that for Nora either. What he felt for Nora was much deeper. It wasn’t skin deep. She was pretty, but her looks didn’t move him.
Ah, hell. He’d always found male forms nicer to look at than female forms, anyway.
Not that he didn’t love Nora’s body, because he did. But he felt like he mostly liked it because it was Nora’s. He loved her, and so he loved her body by proxy. When he’d fallen for her, he hadn’t known that he could feel any differently about a… a body before.
He swallowed, thinking about Lute’s arms, Lute’s shoulders, Lute’s legs, Lute’s—
“Stop it.” He actually said it out loud.
He dragged a hand over his face. It was physical, so that made it less important, right?
But Sawyer simply hadn’t understood, and he wasn’t sure why. Why had it taken him so long to have this kind of physical, sexual response to looking at someone? Didn’t this happen to most guys when they were fourteen years old? Didn’t they retreat to the tweens and rebels enclave primarily because they could have their own tent, so that they could think about naked bodies and jack off in peace?
But not Sawyer, no. Because he wasn’t normal. Everything that happened to him was screwed up and strange.
So this was the first time he’d ever experienced such a violent attraction to a physical form. Now, when he was nineteen years old. When he was in love with a woman.
And he tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter, because what he felt for her went deeper than the physical.
But the physical attraction he felt to Lute was so intense.
He stopped and rested against the trunk of a tree.
Why couldn’t he feel for Nora’s body?
And if he never did, was that even fair to her? Didn’t she deserve to be worshiped in every way?
He loved Nora. He didn’t want to hurt her. But as the knot in his stomach grew even tighter, he began to suspect that there might not be any way to avoid hurting her.
CHAPTER FIVE
Nora waited inside the tent she shared with Sawyer. She sat on one of their couches, with Catling in her lap. The cat-duck purred and rubbed her head against Nora’s fingers. Nora crooned to her tiny pet, but she was starting to get worried. Where the heck was Sawyer?
It was Valentine’s Day.
He was late.
He was the one in charge of getting their dinner that night. On Valentine’s Day, the typical council meeting and meal was suspended for individual, romantic meals amongst couples. The food enclave made up baskets, each one with a perfect three-course dinner for two that could be enjoyed as a wonderful romantic picnic. Sawyer had promised he would pick theirs up, but Nora was beginning to wonder if he’d been held up or something. She wondered if she should have gotten their dinner. If Sawyer was swinging by the food enclave now, all the baskets would be picked over. They’d probably end up with something weird, like liver and onions.
She hadn’t been paying much attention to Sawyer lately. Valentine’s was always a busy time for her because of all the preparations in the visual arts enclave. But they’d been sleeping in the same hammock every night. He hadn’t said anything that would make her worry
.
Still, she really had no idea what he’d been doing for the past week or two. If he had been unhappy or frustrated with her, she hadn’t noticed. She chewed on her lip, wondering over it.
No. No, if there was something wrong, he should have said something.
But that didn’t help matters, of course, because then she started thinking that something must have happened to him. Generally speaking, nothing particularly dangerous happened in Helicon, but rarely, there were issues. Usually, they were caused by an outside influence like Owen or Loki. What if something had happened to him? He’d been dead only a few months ago, taken to the Norse underworld.
She got up to pace, spilling Catling onto the floor of the tent.
Visions of dead Sawyer danced in her head.
And then the flap of the tent was pulled aside, and Sawyer was there. He was holding a basket, and Nora could smell the deliciousness coming from it, but she didn’t care about that right now. She was so happy to see Sawyer alive and well that she ran to him and wrapped her arms around him. “You’re okay.”
He hugged her back with the arm not carrying the basket. “I know I’m late.”
She pulled back. “Where were you?”
He let out a long, slow breath. He set down the Valentine’s basket. “I think we need to talk.”
She didn’t like the sound of that. She furrowed her brow. “Is something wrong?”
He nodded. His face twisted, like he was fighting tears.
She touched his shoulder. “Sawyer, what’s going on?”
He ducked away from her touch, shaking his head. “I’m an asshole, that’s what.”
She was confused. “You’re not an asshole. Why would you say that?”
He turned away from her, picked up the basket, and flung open the tent. “Let’s not talk here. I don’t want to do it here.”
“Do what?” Her insides contorted. “What are you talking about?”
He lurched out of the tent, and she followed. He started across the enclave. She hesitated for a moment, and then she went after him. They walked to the woods that way, him two steps ahead, her trailing in his wake. Her heart was pounding. Something bad was happening, and she didn’t want it to happen. She didn’t know what it was, and she wanted it to stop. But another force drove her on out of some perverse curiosity. She had to know.
The Helicon Muses Omnibus: Books 1-4 Page 93