Sawyer stopped abruptly once they were at the edge of the woods. He opened up the basket and took out the blanket provided. He spread it out over the ground.
They both stared at it.
“Sit down,” he told her.
“You first,” she said. She felt as if sitting down would be surrendering to whatever this bad thing was. She wasn’t ready to do that.
Sawyer sat.
She did too.
He started rummaging through the basket. “Are you hungry? Because we could eat—”
“What the hell is going on? Talk to me.”
He removed his hands from the basket. He fidgeted, studying his fingers.
“Sawyer?” she prompted.
He wouldn’t look at her. His breathing sped up. “Nora…”
“Yeah?” She leaned forward, trying to see his face.
“I…” He took a deep breath. “I think I’m gay.”
She didn’t say anything for a minute.
He looked up at her, met her gaze, and then tore his eyes away.
“Well, you’ve always been…” She chewed on her lip. “I mean, I know you’re attracted to men. But I thought that you also… I mean, you like girls too.”
“I like you,” he said. “Just you. Never any other girl. And…” He looked up at the sky. “I don’t think it’s enough.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s not…” He faced her again. “It’s not fair to you. Nora, you should be with someone who thinks that you’re the most attractive person in the universe, who finds your body to be the most perfect incarnation of a human being that ever existed. And I can’t… don’t…”
Tears were starting to sting her eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
He looked back at his hands.
“Sawyer,” she whispered. “It’s Valentine’s Day. Couldn’t this revelation have waited?”
He sucked in a shaky breath. He looked up again, wiping at one of his eyes. “I tried. I did. I wandered around with that basket, and I tried to convince myself to suck it up and force it. Hide it for tonight.” He looked back at her, and now he was just letting the tears flow. “But Nora, I knew it wouldn’t work. You’d see right through me. You’d know.”
She was crying too. “You just… woke up today and felt gay? You thought you couldn’t be with me anymore? You don’t think I’m attractive? I don’t understand.”
“No, it wasn’t just today. I don’t know. But I guess I just… I’ve been running from the truth for a long time, and it finally caught up with me.”
“What did?” She was at a loss. “What changed? Why are you suddenly so sure that you only want to be with a man?”
“It’s just something I realized.”
“Well, if you aren’t attracted to me, then you must have seen someone else that you were attracted to. Someone you were more attracted to than me.”
“No, that’s not what it’s about. I realized something about myself. You and I, we’re connected, Nora, and I love you. I’ll always love you. But I don’t think the… physical part is there. I don’t think I can give you everything you deserve.”
It dawned on her suddenly. “Lute. Lute Thundercloud.” Her voice was flat. “The way you’ve been going on about him all the time. It’s him, isn’t it?”
“No,” said Sawyer.
But she could tell he was lying. He was right. She saw through him. She felt angry now. The sadness was still there, but it was less sharp than the anger. She started to take things out of the basket. Two plates. The main dish—cheese and prosciutto stuffed chicken—and two side dishes—broccoli and potatoes. Finally, she got what she wanted. Dessert. She unwrapped the brownies and started to break them into pieces. “So, what is it that’s so great about Lute, huh? What does he have that I don’t?”
Sawyer rubbed his forehead.
She shoved a piece of brownie in her mouth. “I mean, don’t answer that. Obviously, I know what he has. But, damn it, you pursued me, Sawyer. This whole thing between us was your idea. I would never have been open to the idea if you hadn’t—”
“Bullshit,” he said. “It was mutual, Nora. When we got started kissing, that time when we were locked up with Owen, it wasn’t like I pushed you into it.”
She ate more brownie. It was sweet, maybe too sweet. But she wanted something to do with her hands, with her mouth. She felt assaulted. Activity was defense. “Fine. Whatever.” Her mouth was full of brownie. She swallowed. “The point is, you wanted me. I was attractive enough for you then.”
His mouth worked. He was trying to think of something to say.
“I got you there, huh?” she said.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “At the time, I didn’t know I could feel anything stronger than I what I felt for you physically.”
“But Lute just really gets you going.”
He refused to look at her.
“Wow.” So, that was true. She wanted to cry again. Instead, she ate more.
“Look, Nora, I’m not doing this to be selfish,” he said. “If I thought this was a passing phase—”
“How do you know it’s not? It’s not as if I don’t find guys attractive too, you know? Colin Oak, for instance, is really hot.”
“Colin Oak?” Sawyer wrinkled up his nose.
“What I’m saying is,” she said, “just because I find someone attractive doesn’t mean I break up a perfectly good relationship over it.”
“It’s more than that, Nora. It’s like I was living in a world with the sound turned off or something, and then suddenly, Lute showed up, and everything’s deafening. Like I look at him, and I feel it everywhere. I’ve never thought someone was so beautiful. I’ve never felt that kind of desire before.”
Nora did start crying again then.
“Shit,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean… Look, it’s not you. It’s me. I’m not made right. I should have known this about myself already. I should have known that I… But I just thought that if I loved you, it wouldn’t matter. And I do love you. It kills me that I’m hurting you.”
“So, why are you doing it?” She tried to eat more of the brownie, but she was crying too hard.
“Because I care about you. Because I don’t want you to have second best. I don’t want to trap you in a relationship with me, when I can never be physically right for you.”
She shook her head furiously. “But that’s stupid. I like the way things are between us. You can’t make it about me, because I’m not unhappy. You’re being selfish. You want Lute, and that’s it.”
“No,” he said. “Come on, Nora, think about our sex life. Think about how hard it was for to you even enjoy having sex with me.”
“That wasn’t because of you not being attracted to me.”
“How do you know?” He raised his eyebrows. “You’ve never been with anyone but me.”
It was her turn to look away.
“And, you know, when we do have sex, I’ve always been primarily motivated to do it for you, not because I—”
“Bullshit.” She glared at him. “You were the one who was all into it. I was bored the whole time.”
He spread his hands. “See? That’s what I mean. We don’t mesh.”
“Well, I’m not bored now. It’s better now.” And it was better. She’d stopped trying to see sex as a fantastically physical experience and focused more on it as an emotional, bonding experience. That way, it was very fulfilling.
“But neither of us know if it’s as good as it could get.”
She chewed on her lip, thinking about what Maddie had said about passion, about Agler wanting her so bad. She had to admit that she wondered what it would be like to be wanted like that.
She burst into fresh tears. “But Sawyer. Baby. I don’t want you to go away. You’re… you’re my everything.”
He started crying too. He reached out to take her hand and squeeze it. “I know, I know. You’re everything to me too.”
“So, then, why are we…?” S
he dissolved into her sobs.
Sawyer pulled her into his arms, and they both just cried, clinging to each other. They stayed like that for a long time, until Nora’s tears started to dry up. She extricated herself, rubbing at her face.
Sawyer’s nose was red. He rummaged through the basket for a napkin and blew it loudly.
“This is shit,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you want to do about the tent?” she said.
“You keep the tent. I’ll get another one.”
“I don’t want to be in that tent without you.”
“I know.” He ran a hand through his hair. “We’ll figure that stuff out.”
“When?” she said. “Because when we stop talking, then we both only have one place to go back to.”
He reached for her again. “Look, we don’t have to stop being around each other.”
She evaded his grasp.
“No matter what happens, we’re still friends,” he said.
She was quiet.
“Nora?” He waited. “We are friends. I love you, and I’ll always love you. You’ll always be special to me.”
She stood up. “I don’t know, Sawyer. Everything, it… it just hurts right now. I think looking at you will make it hurt worse. Maybe we can be friends again someday, but I don’t know… Not right now.” She took a shuddering breath and turned away.
She left him sitting there, in the woods, with the food from the basket scattered around him.
* * *
Maddie pushed around the food in her bowl. It was a delicious, rich curry with potatoes, carrots, and chili peppers. Though she’d promised herself that—no matter what it was—she would eat a normal-sized meal tonight with Agler, she was having trouble doing it.
Her reasons for wanting to pig out tonight were numerous. First of all, it was Valentine’s Day, and she deserved a treat. Second of all, she didn’t want Agler to give her hell about how much she was eating. The last thing she wanted was an argument. Third of all, she didn’t figure that one night of eating a lot would be bad for her diet.
But she couldn’t eat more than a few bites, and it was frustrating. Part of the reason was that she felt apprehensive about it. After all, the curry was packed with starch. Potatoes and rice? What the heck? It was like inviting five pounds over to settle onto her thighs. And that wasn’t even counting the cream-based sauce that was coating everything. So, Maddie had to really force herself to get the few bites down that she did.
And then she tried to force herself to take a few more. She couldn’t. She felt sick, like she might vomit if she ate much more. That was when she realized the other reason. Her stomach had shrunk. She’d been eating so little for so long that when she tried to eat more, she simply didn’t have room for it. She felt utterly stuffed, especially with all the starches and fats. Generally speaking, when she did eat, she tried to stick with vegetables. And lettuce—Maddie ate a lot of lettuce. It didn’t have any calories, so it was guilt free.
“So,” she said, setting down the bowl, “I love the Valentine you gave me.” It was heart shaped and covered in silk pink and red roses. Agler had come into the visual arts enclave when she wasn’t around to make it himself. She hoped that if she focused on something else, he wouldn’t notice how little of her food she’d eaten.
Agler smiled at her. “The one you gave me is great too.”
Maddie busied herself with going through the basket. There was some flat bread, which smelled strongly of garlic, some extra rice, and their dessert. She ripped off a chunk of the flat bread. “Oh, wow, this smells so good.”
“Yeah?” he said. “What is it?”
“Some kind of garlic flat bread,” she said.
“Oh, it’s called naan.” He grinned. “The cooking muses gave me a crash course on Indian cuisine before I left the enclave.”
“Interesting.” She dipped the bread into her curry mixture.
“How’s it taste?” said Agler, helping himself to a whole slice.
Maddie forced the bread into her mouth and took a small bite. She chewed. She felt sick. Now she was eating bread on top of everything else? How was it that all Indian people weren’t the size of houses? She swallowed. “It’s good. Really delicious.”
Agler furrowed his brow. “You barely tasted it.”
She sighed. “I’m just… I’m really full.”
“Full?” He leaned forward. “You barely touched your curry.”
“I ate a lot of it.” She felt defensive. “You just dipped me up a lot.”
“No, I specifically didn’t,” he said. “I didn’t want to intimidate you with a huge portion.”
She sighed. “Can we not do this right now? It’s Valentine’s Day.”
“Fine.” He shoveled food into his mouth and didn’t look at her.
She fiddled with her fork, poking at the potatoes. She needed to come up with a subject change, something that would keep them off this topic and get them back on track to having a romantic evening. She wracked her brain. What could she talk about?
“You know I only say anything because I’m worried about you,” Agler said quietly.
Great. Just great. Now, he was pursuing this whole thing. “I thought we agreed not to talk about it.”
“Well, I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. I mean, you’re not eating enough, and you’re way, way too thin. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m afraid you’re going to starve yourself to death.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic. I totally eat. I just don’t eat very much.”
“Right, so what did you eat today?”
“Agler.” She folded her arms over her chest.
“I was with you at breakfast,” he said. “You ate half an orange.”
“Oranges have a lot of sugar,” she said.
“Half an orange is not a breakfast.”
She didn’t say anything. Maybe if she just kept quiet, he’d shut up.
“So, then what’d you have for lunch?”
She stayed quiet.
“I bet you didn’t even eat lunch, did you? I bet that the only thing you’ve put in your stomach all day is that orange and the cup of coffee you drank for breakfast. And now you’ve eaten like four bites of the curry, and that’s probably all you’re going to eat today. The worst thing is, you wouldn’t have even eaten that orange if I hadn’t been there, would you? You eat things to shut me up. Don’t think I don’t notice.”
She pressed her lips together in a firm line. “I ate lunch.”
“What?”
“A salad.”
“Salad? Or lettuce? Plain lettuce with no dressing?”
“It had cucumbers and vinegar.”
“Maddie, that’s not enough.”
“How do you know?” She glared at him. “You have no idea what it’s like to be fat.”
“You’re not fat. You’re not even remotely close to being fat. You’re a skeleton.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “You hate the way I look.”
He groaned. “Don’t make me a bad guy here. I am not criticizing you.”
“Yes, you are. That’s all you’re doing. I’m not good enough for you. You want me to eat more. You just want to change me. But I’m not changing for you.”
“I want you to be healthy. That’s all. I feel like maybe we should talk to someone about this. Because I don’t feel like you’re very rational about it.”
“Talk to someone?” She was horrified. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, you don’t listen to me. Who would you listen to? Would you listen to Nora?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“I know you don’t. But I don’t want to keep pretending like it’s not happening, just because it upsets you.”
“Drop it, Agler. Drop it, or I’m leaving.”
“You’re going to run away, huh?”
“It’s Valentine’s Day, and you’re being an ass.”
“I’m not. This is because I care about you.”
“You’re not going to drop it, are you?”
“No,” he said.
“Fine.” She got up. “See you later, then.” She left him sputtering, alone with the basket, the curry, and the naan bread. Stupid asshole.
* * *
Nora was wandering in the direction of the wine and spirits enclave. She didn’t want to go back to her tent. It wasn’t her tent, anyway. It was half Sawyer’s, and that made it tainted. She’d go to get a new tent from the architecture enclave tomorrow. Right now, the only sane response to the situation seemed to be to get drunk. So, that’s where she was headed.
“Nora!”
She turned around. Who was calling her name? It was a female voice… And then she recognized Maddie, who was running after her, waving.
“Maddie?” She waited for her friend to catch up. “What are you doing? Why aren’t you with Agler?”
“Agler’s an ass,” said Maddie, glowering. “How come you’re not with Sawyer?”
Nora’s lower lip trembled. “Sawyer and I…” She couldn’t get it out. “We broke up.”
“What?” said Maddie.
Nora shook her head. “I’ll tell you about it, but not until I get a drink of some kind.” She pointed towards the wine and spirits enclave. “Come with me?”
“Okay.” Maddie wrapped her arm around her.
Together, they made their way across Helicon to the common tent in the wine and spirits enclave. The common tent was emptier than usual, considering it was Valentine’s Day, but there were a few muses hanging out there. There were tables and chairs set up inside. In the corner were a few shelves of glasses. The latest wine and spirits’ concoctions were underneath the glasses. Generally, there was some kind of hard liquor, some wine, and a barrel of beer. The common tent was mostly frequented by older muses. Tweens weren’t forbidden to be there, but they weren’t encouraged either. Most older muses didn’t like how drunk and disorderly the tweens got. They preferred that the younger muses take their disruptive, youthful activities to their own enclave. But there were so few people in the common tent that it hardly mattered today.
The Helicon Muses Omnibus: Books 1-4 Page 94