Sweet Bliss

by Helena Rac

  What I’m faced with is this: wet, messy hair. Naked sculpted chest. Chiseled abs. Trickles of water running down said chest and abs. White towel hanging low, revealing the V-shaped area that leads to the ever-so-tantalizing Mr. Callaghan. My mouth waters with the need to have him, to feel his wet skin on me, to taste those lips that tempt me. God, he is a sight to behold.

  “Hi.” I somehow manage to collect my scattered brain cells. Putting two letters together is barely a step forward, but I’ll take it.

  “Hey,” Luke says coldly. If he’s affected at all, his eyes don’t give him away, nor do his words. No “cupcake,” no “Tess” – none of the endearments I got used to over the few days we spent together. My heart shivers knowing it has a steep and icy uphill climb.

  We stand there, unmoving, as if separated by an imaginary wall.

  “Umm, can I come in?” I ask, trying to break the tension between us. He doesn’t say anything; instead, he ushers me into his hotel room.

  I step in and shut the door behind me. The eerie silence between us fills the room. My palms are sweating and my heart’s beating a million miles a minute. I have an urge to pick at my nails, a sure sign that I’m nervous, but my hands are kind of full.

  Thankfully, the courage I gathered to come here in the first place comes back just when I need it the most. I don’t hesitate a second longer. With Luke standing right in front of me, staring at me with the most unreadable look, I step closer until he’s within my reach. Before he has a chance to back up or say something that will shatter every last bit of hope in my heart, I simply hug him. I need to somehow feel the connection. I need to have him feel it too. Because I know it’s there.

  I lean my face against his damp chest and hold on as tight as I can. God, how I’ve missed him. He hesitates for a moment, but then his arms wrap around me, his face sinks into my hair, and I feel him take a sated breath. A small victory, but one that makes me think the climb ahead may be slightly less steep.

  “I’m so, so sorry,” I whisper against his chest, trying to hold back the tears that have pooled in my eyes.

  I fumble with the list in my hand. Everything I need to say is written so eloquently. I have an urge to start reciting it all, but I think better of it. I scrunch it up behind his back and decide to say instead what I’m feeling in this moment.

  “I messed up. I seriously did. It’s just that … you, and I, and … us…”

  Ugh! Bad idea. I can’t seem to spell it all out like I was so certain I would only a moment ago.

  Follow your heart – say what you feel, not what you wrote. Right.

  I look up and search Luke’s eyes, hoping they’ll give me some indication that he’s at least willing to consider what I have to say. And I think I see it. A glimmer of hope that my attempt may not be futile. That he’s giving me the silent okay to continue.

  “Things are just happening so fast between us and I’m … I’m feeling again, more than I’ve ever felt. And I’m so scared, Luke. I’m scared that I’ll be left heartbroken again and that I’ll never hear back from you. I’m scared to take the leap, but god, I really, really want to. I don’t want to give up on you and on the possibility of us. I hope you aren’t ready to give up on me, on us, either.”

  He doesn’t respond right away. It’s like he’s holding himself back from acting impulsively. It’s not like Luke. The silence is unnerving.

  “Please say something. Please.” Now I’m the one begging.

  He grunts like he’s exasperated. “You can be real frustrating, you know?”

  Okay. Maybe not quite what I was hoping for. “I know.” I go for an innocent smile, hoping to ease the tension. But he doesn’t smile back.

  “How can you be so sure this time? I mean, two days ago you had it all figured out. ‘It was a mistake,’ were your exact words. You said good-bye. You either feel it or you don’t. There’s no in-between.” I search his eyes, but his blank expression frightens me. How will I convince him to trust me again? How can he, when I’ve betrayed that trust and done the one thing I promised him I wouldn’t? I’ve disappointed him. I left. Just like a certain someone in his life.

  “The only mistake I made was to say good-bye. I convinced myself it was the logical thing to do, but sometimes logic is flawed. Sometimes, what the heart feels is all that matters. My heart has fallen for you, even though I never thought it would fall for anyone again. I tried, but I don’t think I can make it un-fall. I feel all sorts of crazy things for you, and even though I can’t quite place what these emotions are, I know now that I can’t just brush them off either. Because I think you could be my forever too.” I hope these words are enough to convince him. I hope he remembers sharing similar words with me at the beach. I may not have been ready to acknowledge it back then, but I’m ready now. “I know how difficult it must be for you to trust me again, but please, Luke, please do trust me. I don’t … I don’t want to lose you.”

  My voice breaks, even though I’m trying to hold myself together. I don’t want him to doubt my emotional strength. But a single tear betrays me yet again. I feel it slide down my cheek. As I reach up to wipe it away, Luke grasps my fingers and stops me. He brings his finger to my cheek and trails it down the path the tear has left. The affection in his touch, the tender look in those beautiful hazels of his, is almost too much to bear.

  “I don’t ever want to be the one to cause you tears, Tessa. I trust you. But I really need you to trust me. I’m just not sure that you do, even after everything you said.” His expression is a mix of conflicting emotions: a hint of a smile, a touch of gravity, a glimmer of hope, a flash of doubt. He takes a deep breath, and something in his look changes, becomes softer.

  “I do trust you,” I try to convince him. “Just … please be with me again. Let me prove to you that I want this.”

  “I’m not sure that I can. Not just yet.” He’s calm. Aloof. And I’m neither.

  “But … but when?” I ask anxiously. He’s only here for another couple of days. I can’t let him leave before I know where we stand. If we stand anywhere, that is; if there is an “us” to even consider.

  “I just… I need more time.”

  I don’t like this answer. Not one bit. “Like, a couple of hours?”

  He almost smiles. Almost. I see a hint of it in the corner of his mouth.

  “No, Tess.” That hint of a smile disappears. “You should just go.”

  Punctured. Deflated. Empty. That’s what my heart feels like, because this is it: the end of the future that never was and never will be. Not at all the way I hoped our encounter would play out.

  Luke breaks the hold he has on me and takes a step back. I’m not sure what to do. Do I leave? Do I stay? Do I hope that the ground will miraculously open up and swallow me whole? There’s one thing I know for certain. Love stories suck. Honestly, they are so deceiving. I’m never subjecting myself to reading another romance again – real life doesn’t always end with a happily-ever-after. No more Channing Tatum movie nights either. I’m going to start reading paranormal books. I’m watching every gruesome horror movie that exists. Because right now, this feels like my worst nightmare.

  “I guess I should get going then.” There’s nothing else left to say. Aborting the mission is the only logical conclusion.

  “It’s best if you do.”

  “Okay. But don’t take too long.” He looks at me, confused. “To decide,” I clarify.

  He actually smiles. A glimmer of hope after all, even if it’s short lived.

  I make my way to the door, and Luke follows behind, his steps measured. As I open the door, I back right into him. I swear I sense him inhale, like he’s breathing me in. I gasp, because I feel him, feel all of him around me. I close my eyes, anticipating that he’ll pull me in, wrap his arms around me, stop me from moving any farther, but he doesn’t. The moment vanishes, and the silence is all that’s left. I step through the door, leaving him behind.

  “Good-bye,” he breathes.

 
But I can’t say it back. “Not for me,” I whisper, though I’m not sure if he’s heard me.

  He closes the door and I try to move, but my legs are stuck. This did not just happen, did it? I’m in denial. It must have been an alternate reality. Wishful thinking…

  I lean back against the door and sigh. I need a minute to absorb this before I move on. I can’t possibly meet up with the girls right now. The only thing that can make this whole mess in my heart somewhat more bearable is sugar. Luckily, the box I brought with me contains just what I need: a cupcake.

  It was meant for Luke. I was going to offer it to him, he would gladly accept it and take me back, and then we’d make out and have naughty icing sex. Obviously my imagination can get the best of me sometimes. Instead, it’s just me and the cupcake. It’s all that’s left. Crazy Cupcake Lady – that’s what they’ll call me.

  I pull it out, anticipating its sweetness, missing the sweetness of the guy on the other side of the door, and take a bite. More like a giant mouthful, actually. Just as I do, the door opens and I stumble backwards, landing in Luke’s arms.

  “Jesus, Tess. What are you still doing here?”

  Ugh! I just needed a minute to myself. I needed to drown my sadness in the heavenly taste of sugar. I did not anticipate him leaving his room so soon. This is so embarrassing.

  “I’m … I’m having a cupcake.” I state the obvious as I struggle to swallow the cake and lick the mustache of icing and cake crumbs off my face. I’m sure I look and sound pathetic, but whatever. I don’t even care anymore.

  “That I can see.” Of course he can. It’s all over my face. Again.

  Then it registers. He’s still only got a towel wrapped around him. He wasn’t leaving. Was he…? No, there’s no way. He couldn’t have been going after me. Could he?

  Luke inhales and murmurs, “Mmm, strawberry chocolate. My favorite.”

  I’m taken aback. But those words are familiar. His fingers trace the outline of my lips and have the same impact they always do – I’m captivated and feeling flushed and tingly all over. Then he brings his lips to mine and kisses the icing off, bite by bite by bite, and I melt into him, little by little by little.

  “Only minutes, cupcake,” he breathes between kisses. “That’s all I needed.”

  His words click as I close my eyes and drown in the sweetness of his lips. I’m equal parts frustrated and ecstatic. The first, because he made me leave, because he toyed with my heart, but I guess I deserved it after everything I put him through. I’m ecstatic at the same time because he’s not giving up on us. He came after me. Perhaps I’ll stick to love stories after all.

  “Luke…” My words are a whisper because I still can’t believe he’s back in my life. If I say it too loud, I worry I’ll wake up from a dream, and the moment my eyes open, he’ll be gone. But when I do look at him and realize he’s still, in fact, here, I ask, “Does this mean we get to start over again?” because I need his reassurance that this is our beginning.

  “No,” he says, dead serious, and my heart literally stops. I think I’m going to faint. He can’t keep doing this to me. “I’d rather start where we left off.” Oh, thank god. My heartbeat returns and I can breathe again.

  I close the door behind us, and my fingers travel down his damp torso toward that sexy V that leads to my personal la-la land. I hook my fingers in his towel and whisper, “Oops,” as I pull it off him. When it lands on the floor, I can’t help but smile, and he smiles back knowingly. My fingers travel to his erection, and when I touch him, when I take him in the palm of my hand, he lets out a groan that tells me whatever ounce of control he’s been holding onto until now is about to disappear.

  “Fuck, Tessa … I thought I’d lost you.” His voice is a mix of relief and need. Then his mouth’s on me again as he lifts me up and carries me to his bed. We’re both too desperate for each other to take things slow and easy right now. I know just how deprived I will be of moments like this when he’s gone, and all I can think about is how much I don’t want anything else but him over the next two days.

  “I thought I’d lost you too,” I moan, but I don’t want to talk. Sure, I’d like him to know all that’s gone through my head these last couple of days. I want to let him know that he won’t ever lose me again. But words are just words, so instead I lose myself completely in him. I show him how much I’ve missed him and how much I don’t ever want to let him go. I show him how much I trust him, how much I believe in us.

  Chapter 22

  Clara looks absolutely stunning in her wedding gown as she’s ready to walk down the aisle. She radiates beauty, elegance, and confidence. The figure-defining, strapless mermaid dress with a sweetheart neckline shows off her toned physique and shapely curves.

  I remember the day we went shopping for her dress. It was just the three of us girls: Mom, Clara, and me. We planned to visit some of the best bridal boutiques in town. I figured it would take us a few days and countless hours until we found that perfect fit, that special one. That’s how long it would have likely taken me. I could see myself pinning down three or four styles that I liked and thought would look good on me before even heading out to shop, and then searching, searching, searching.

  But not Clara. She didn’t need to plan. She had absolutely no idea what kind of look she was going for – she was just going to decide on the spot. When we got to the first bridal boutique, the sales associate brought out a few dresses for her to try on, and dress number two was it. Clara knew it the instant she saw herself in it. No hesitation, no doubt. That’s just typical Clara. Diving in head first, no matter what the consequences may be.

  I love how she can make everything seem so simple and enjoyable. Even significant life events such as picking out a wedding dress. We got to spend the rest of the weekend looking for bridesmaid dresses instead. After some deliberation (mainly on my part) over a few promising looks, we finally decided on a strapless black dress, cut just above the knee, with a sexy slit up one leg and a sweetheart neckline to match Clara’s.

  “I can’t wait to see the look on Marcus’s face when he sees me walking down the aisle!” Clara says, beaming. Then the look on her face changes. “I just wish Dad were here to give me away.” Her lip quivers and I’m almost certain tears are imminent, even though she’s been holding it together amazingly well so far.

  Maid of the honor to the rescue. We can’t afford any last-minute meltdowns. “He’ll be here with you in spirit, and you know he couldn’t be happier for you. Marcus, on the other hand, will want to get you out of that dress the second he sees you.”

  She grins, her eyes glistening with unshed tears and utter joy. “You’re right about Dad and definitely right about Marcus. Let’s get this party started!” Aaand she’s back.

  After a flawless tear-jerker of a ceremony, stunning pictures at the park, and an absolutely delicious dinner, it’s the time for the speeches. While dessert and coffee are being served, Ian has the room roaring with laughter with his dead-accurate impression of Marcus and his not-quite-family-friendly advice for the couple. Not surprisingly, I suppose, the spotlight suits him. Not surprisingly, the spotlight scares the sprinkles out of me. When it’s my turn, I apologize in advance for lulling everyone to sleep with both my speech and the sugar coma from the dessert, and everyone laughs, making me feel slightly more relaxed as I begin.

  “Clara, even though you’ll always be my little sister, I have to admit I’ve always looked up to you. I’ve always admired your spirit and bright personality. You’re wonderful and I love you, and I hope you know how proud I am of you and the choices you’ve made, including your choice today.” I smile at Marcus to give him a silent affirmation. “I know Dad would be proud too.”

  Clara’s eyes are filled with tears, but her smile is radiant somehow. It’s a mix of emotions, but what stands out the most is how happy she is, and that means the world to me. Seeing her like this makes me more emotional than I’d normally let on. I clear my throat, hoping to get through th
e rest of the speech without my voice trembling too much.

  “The events of the days leading up to the wedding have taught me a lot. I’ve realized that sometimes we have to let go of the past. Sometimes we can’t control the what-ifs. Life is about the now. The moments. It’s cherishing the experiences we’ve had and embracing the experiences that are to come. Experiencing life together with that special someone, no matter how short or long that life may be, is what it’s all about. Marcus and Clara are a perfect example of what it’s like when you find that special someone. A reminder to the rest of us that having is so much more exhilarating, holding is so much more comforting, and loving and having someone love you back is a feeling unlike any other. Love grabs your heart and stays with you forever.” I search for Luke’s eyes and give him a meaningful look, which he returns with an affectionate smile.

  “Please join me in raising your glasses to Clara and Marcus, the two people who were meant to have and to hold and to love each other. From this day forward. For the rest of their lives. Cheers!”

  This earns me applause and a few cheers from the wedding guests – apparently my speech isn’t a complete flop after all – and I’m relieved that this part of the night is done. I walk over to give Clara and Marcus a heartfelt hug, but underneath it all I can’t help but feel the rapid beating of my own heart.

  I know I’m not yet in love, but I also know that I’m feeling more than I’ve felt in a while. Having Luke in my life is definitely more exhilarating, having him hold me so much more comforting then being on my own, and loving … God, giving myself a chance on love when I never thought I would again is pure, sweet bliss. I can’t change the past, and I realize I can’t control the future either. It’s all about the now.

  Just as everyone’s getting ready to join the happy couple on the dance floor, I make my way to the bar, needing a refill to settle the nerves that seem to be creeping up on me. I don’t know how many times I’ve imagined Clara’s wedding over the last few weeks and pictured myself sitting alone while the happy couples twirled around in front of me. I realize that this unwelcome vision was very close to becoming a reality, had I not found the courage to recognize what my heart’s been telling me all along, and had Luke not found it in his heart to take me back this morning. I certainly didn’t think that I would be here, at Clara’s wedding, completely smitten with my delicious, sexy stranger, and that he would be as equally smitten with me.