Insipid

by Christine Brae

  Tim’s eyes look disappointed. “Jade, what’s the point of this, if you’re no longer with Martinez?”

  “I still think that this poses a conflict of interest, past or present. And this is why I am hereby resigning from the company effective today. I sincerely apologize for my behavior and will accept the consequences of my embarrassing and degrading actions. Please know that I am so thankful for all the faith and confidence you have placed in me. Especially you, Warren. The way that you supported me through all this. I will never forget that. It’s time for me to take a break and be with my parents for a while, enjoy life a little bit more, make amends with those I have hurt in the past. I’ve missed so much of myself lately. I gave up so much when I lost Cia. The thing is, I know now that I have to keep on living. For her sake.”

  Watching tears stream down the faces of five grown men is the most awkward experience in the world. Warren is the first one to stand up and hug me. He tells me that there’s no need to resign, that we’re all human and that things like this do happen. He then admits that he met his wife while she was an intern at the same company. We all laugh and call him a cradle snatcher. When the seriousness returns, however, I make it clear that my decision has been made.

  “I’m going to take some time off to recover myself and maybe I’ll finally join my dad so he can retire from his businesses soon.”

  The meeting ends when we agree to a three-week transition period. I call Noelle in and watch her cry openly as I tell her about my plans.

  The following weeks seem endless. I’m in wrap up mode, making sure that all my studies and projects are passed on to the appropriate people. Chris and Lucas take turns calling. Like a comedy of errors, their calls intersect, one after the other. I take Chris’ calls. I don’t answer the ones from Lucas. I’ve never been duplicitous. My heart can only handle one thing at a time. For now, it chooses to focus on Chris.

  Lucas: I don’t need anything from you but your friendship. I miss my friend.

  Chris: I love you. I’ve realized how much I still love you.

  Lucas: I’ll wait, Jade. Get your shit together. I miss my Skype buddy.

  Chris: I’m arriving today. Let me help you pack and then let’s talk about trying again.

  Lucas: MP, James misses you. These secret missions don’t mean anything without you.

  “SO ANYWAY,” I start off as I munch heavily on a bite of my sandwich, “I really think I’m better. I’m getting over this craziness. I don’t think about him everyday anymore.”

  “Cut the crap,” Leya responds, sticking another fry in her mouth.

  “Okay. Once a day. And it’s only because he won’t stop texting and calling. I’m with Chris now, remember?”

  “What does that mean, you’re with Chris? You mean ‘with’ with, or trying to be with?”

  “I haven’t told him yet, but I’m going to move in with him when I get to San Francisco.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yup! And I’m excited!”

  Leya shakes her head at me before attempting to wrangle out the truth by looking directly into my eyes.

  I put down my sandwich and respond with a glower. “What?”

  “What does that solve? You haven’t really looked into why you acted crazy for Lucas like that in the first place. Now you’re moving on to Chris? Do you love him?”

  “Who?”

  “Chris. Do you love him?”

  “Of course I do. He’s the father of my child and we have a lot of memories together.”

  “You had nineteen years of memories with Joshua and you don’t love him.”

  “Leya, please. I get your point. I’m trying here.”

  “What I don’t understand is why you have to try. You love Lucas. I know you do. Why are you trying your darndest to run away from him?”

  “Because he’s thirty fucking three years old and he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m too old for his bullshit.” I stiffly crumple my sandwich paper and throw it into the bag.

  “Okay, Granny Feisty. I get it.” The sound of our laughter rings throughout the cafeteria.

  “I’m going to miss you, Ley,” I say sadly. “You’ve done so much for me. You helped me survive the past few months. What will I do without you?”

  “I’ll make sure you won’t find out. San Francisco will be my new favorite vacation spot!”

  “I THINK THIS is it, the last of the boxes.” Chris exhales as he slowly lowers a large brown carton on the floor in the middle of the foyer.

  “Thanks!” I say, lifting the lid to peek inside its contents.

  He towers over me as he watches me unload the picture frames and pile them neatly on the floor. My eyes gaze upon something inside the box, but I suppress my reaction so that Chris doesn’t notice anything.

  “Your mother says she’s sending lunch over in a few minutes.” I nod my head as I continue with my chore. I’ve moved into the pool house on my parents’ property. Chris has been helping me to settle in for the past few days. It feels good to be home, although I’m still feeling a little bit displaced by my new situation. The house is big enough for me, two bedrooms with an open floor plan, teak stained wood floors and pure white interior. Massive french doors lead out to the swimming pool, complete with a diving board and cabanas lining the opposite end of the garden.

  “Take a break and sit with me for a while.” Chris reaches out to take my hand as I slide myself off the floor to stand up. We bask in the warmth of the summer breeze blowing softly through the open windows and doors. The limitless sunshine ushers in a new frame of mind, one filled with hope for a new beginning with Chris.

  We walk towards the couch and take a seat. He swings my legs over so that my feet are resting on his lap. He lovingly runs his hands up and down my calves.

  “Ah, that feels good,” I say with my eyes closed. “What time do you have to leave tomorrow?”

  “My flight leaves early. 7:00 am. I want to be there before the builders show up.” He has a trip to Vegas in the morning to check on a construction project. “Will you miss me?” He leans his body over so that he’s lying on top of me, his face covering mine.

  “Of course I will,” I answer as I caress the top of his head. His hair feels so much like Cia’s. Thick and unruly, yet soft and velvety to the touch. Subconsciously, I pull his hair back to stare into his face. He’s my Cia on earth. My last link to her. I don’t know how I can ever let him go.

  He drags his lips down my neck to my chest, lifting my shirt up so he can plant tiny pecks on my stomach. “I can’t get enough of you, Jae. You just get so much hotter as time passes. How can that happen?”

  “Aren’t we too old for this? We just did it two hours ago!”

  I shriek as his touches turn into tickles down the side of my ribs. “Chris! Stop! Please!” I bring my knees up to protect myself and accidentally hit him in the face. “Oh, God! I’m so sorry, Chris, baby! Are you okay? So sorry!” I repent, kissing him all over his face.

  He winks at me, all sly and sexy and inviting. “That’s not what hurts, this does.” He pushes himself up against me so that I’m flush against him.

  “Well, I guess I need to fix that, don’t I?” I unzip his pants and touch him. The phone on the table starts to play “Skyfall” from the latest James Bond movie. Shit! I need to change that ring tone! I reach my arm backwards and press the decline button with my free hand. My other hand is resting on his shoulder for support. It rings again. And again. And dings with a text.

  “Someone’s trying to get a hold of you,” Chris says curtly. “You’d better get it.”

  “No, wait, hold it right there. Let me just see…” I bring the screen to my face.

  Lucas: You moved away from Chicago and didn’t tell me? Who are you with?

  Chris senses who it is by my barefaced reaction. “Have you told him about us?”

  “He’s just a friend. I didn’t think I had to report back to him with everything.”

  “It doesn’t look over, Jae.” He gent
ly lifts me off him and deposits me back on the seat next to him.

  Just like Lucas to invade my intimate moments. Again. He needs to get out of my head. Now.

  “I’ll tell him. Don’t worry, I will.” I pull him down on the couch until his full weight is on top of me and my legs are wrapped around his waist. “Tomorrow.”

  THOSE DARN BIRDS and their chirping in the wee hours of the morning. By the time I open my eyes, Chris has left for Vegas. I stamp my hand around the night table until my fingers come across my phone. I press the dial button and smile as I hear his voice through the receiver.

  “Hi,” I croak, “Good morning.”

  “Hey, Jae.”

  “Just making sure you got there safe. I miss you already.”

  “I miss you too, baby. I’ve been here for an hour. I’m hoping to get done tonight but not counting on it. I’ll fly back first thing in the morning.”

  “Okay. Do what you have to do. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Jae, call him today. Do it while I’m away so I don’t get jealous,” he teases. His tone is light, which is a great relief to me.

  “I will. I’m sorry about last night. I’ll turn my phone off next time.”

  “There’ll be no next time once you tell him.”

  “Good point,” I say, going along. “I love you, Chris. See you tomorrow.”

  “Love you, Jae.”

  As soon as I hang up the phone, I get up to start my day. Concha has left coffee on the patio by the pool. The fresh air seeping in through the open doors feels good. I delay the inevitable, choosing instead to delve back into the boxes to gradually unpack my things. My mind goes back to the item I found in the yesterday’s pile so I decide to fish it out before sitting down for some coffee. I hold it up and then I hold myself up from the rush of emotions that overcome me. It’s a picture of us, taken by the Buckingham fountain at Grant Park. I’m sitting on his lap with my legs up in the air, laughing ridiculously at the fact that I was trying to avoid a group of pigeons by my feet. I could have sworn that he secretly threw them some bread crumbs on purpose. As I lay the picture on the table, Concha sneaks up from behind to pour me a cup of coffee.

  “That’s him, the man who was here a few weeks ago. Whatever happened to him?”

  “Nothing, really. We were just friends.”

  “That’s not what it looked like to me.” She snickers. “Jadey. How long have I known you?”

  “Concha! Why should we remind ourselves about our age?”

  Her hearty laugh has always lifted me out of my dark moods. “That’s the thing. You were acting just like you were in high school when you were with that man. I haven’t seen you like that since… well, since you were in high school!” We both giggle at her last statement before I decide to rein this conversation in.

  “That’s the past, Concha. Feelings like that only happen once. I had it with Chris. And I’m so lucky that he’s back in my life. Things will be fine from here on.”

  “I hope so, Jade. I hope so.” She clears the empty plate of fruit from the table and traipses away.

  I CAN’T DELAY it any longer. I have to return Lucas’ call. It’s only fair to both him and Chris for me to lay out the future terms of our friendship. I’m nervous and uneasy. In honor of him, I rush to the gas station and buy a pack of cigarettes. I pop open a bottle of red wine and gulp down a glass before sitting outside by the pool to call him. The nicotine rush feels unfamiliar; I stub out the cigarette even before I dial his number.

  “Jade?”

  “Hi, Lucas.”

  “Oh, Jade. It’s really you. Where are you calling from?”

  “I moved into my parents’ pool house temporarily.”

  “Who’s with you? Let me call you back now on Skype. I need to see you.”

  “Lucas, there’s no need to—”

  “Turn fucking Skype on, Jade! Now!” he yells. “I need to see you.”

  I hang up the phone and rush back into the house to log on to my computer. The green icon rings even before I’m able to pull a seat up to the table. His face comes up on the screen. He looks tired and sad. His eyes are staring right into the monitor as he lets out a sigh. “You look well, Jade. Still as bewitching as ever. God. I’ve missed you,” he says in a feeble voice.

  “We need to talk,” I start. “Do you have time now? Where are you?”

  “At the office. I know everything. I finally know all about you. Of course, I wished you would have told me yourself, but now I understand what all that mystery was about. You’re still married, Jade. Why did you think I wouldn’t find out eventually?”

  “I never thought that. We never got a chance to talk about these things.”

  “This is a fucking joke. What the hell is going on?”

  “Nothing, I—”

  “Explain to me why you never told me you were married. And your daughter—” He reaches out as someone hands him a folder and he waves his hands to dismiss whoever it is who walked into his office. He frantically leafs through the pages of the stack of papers. “I just had them run a file on you. Do you want me read through this or are you going to tell me what’s really going on with you?” His face suddenly fills with horror as he focuses on a page in front of him. “Oh my God. Oh my God, Jade. I am so sorry.”

  “What are you looking at?”

  “A-A police report,” he stammers out in shock. His face registers a look of dismay. “Your daughter. Your hospital stay. Your injuries. Oh my God, Jade.” Tears fill his eyes as he looks directly into the screen. “Baby.” He hurriedly shuts the folder and pushes it away from him. He acts like he can’t bear to read any more of it; he’s lucky he didn’t have to live it.

  I say nothing. I force a weak smile as I wait for him to digest everything. “Now you know.”

  “This just happened. In the past two years. Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  I shrug my shoulders, at a loss for words. “I’m not your baby,” I fume under my breath.

  He ignores my comment. “I’m here,” he whispers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me. I’m in the process of getting an annulment. I never lead you to believe anything other than the truth.”

  “I feel everything for you but sorry. This doesn’t make me love you more—I don’t think I can feel any more for you than the way I’ve always felt.”

  “Love? Who said anything about love?” I jeer sarcastically.

  “Jade, I love you. I always have. I’m sorry it took so long for me to tell you.”

  “It’s too late for that now, Luke. I’m with Chris.”

  He shakes his head dubiously. “You’re with Chris? What does that mean? Do you let him inside you, Jade? Is that what you’re getting at?”

  “Oh, Luke, why are you doing this to yourself?”

  “This doesn’t change a thing between us. Leave him. For me.”

  “There you go again,” I accuse, irked by his spunk but entranced by his troubled eyes.

  “There I what?” he snaps.

  Now it’s my turn to look at him disbelievingly. “There you go again telling me what to do. How dare you make any demands of me? You have no right.”

  He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean it that way. I just want another chance, Jade. Please, will you give me another chance?”

  “Stop calling me baby. It’s too late for that. I’m happy with the way my life is now. I’m sorry about what happened between us. I’ve just now gotten my dignity back; please don’t make me fall into that again.”

  “Into what? What are you talking about?”

  I throw my head back incensed by his astonishment. “Don’t pretend to be so dense. I had sunk to such a low level, I was waiting for every piece of scrap you threw my way. I lived for those texts, and I would have died for them too. How ridiculous was that? And then I figured it out. It was timing. You arrived right when my world was turning upside down. When my heart was just blown
open and rendered empty. You filled it. In your own assholey way and in my need to be loved, you quenched my thirst. For the worst reasons; for the wrong reasons. I’m not going through that again, Lucas. Those days are over.” My eyes start to fill with tears. Tears of shame, of humiliation, of loss.

  “Assholey? Is that even a word?” He ought to win an award for his ability to turn from remorseful to snide in the blink of an eye.

  “Yes, coined just for you. You’re an ass. The way that you fully expect me to drop everything for you.” I let him have it. I’m angry and upset because it’s too late for us. “It’s a real asshole move.”

  “Please, Jade. I have so much to explain to you, if you let me, I can tell you—”

  “No, Lucas. It’s over between us. I can’t do this anymore. I have Chris now. He’s good to me. He’s the father of my daughter and I love him. Please understand.”

  “Your daughter is gone,” he says sadly.

  His words squeeze the life out of me.

  “Fuck you.”

  “Jade, no, please I didn’t mean this in a bad way. What I’m trying to say is… Oh, fuck. This language barrier is going to kill us. Listen, what I meant to say was that you don’t have to stay with Chris for anything.”

  “I want to be with Chris. Chris,” I chant repeatedly.

  “That’s it, then? It’s over between us?”

  “It never began, Luke. It was all in my head.”

  “Then it was in mine too,” he says, finally yielding to the truth about the past seven months.

  “This is goodbye, Lucas. Please respect me enough to grasp what I’m telling you. I’m saying goodbye. For good.” I turn my head away so that he doesn’t see me cry. For a few seconds, he’s stuck looking at the back of my head.