Hookah (Insanity Book 4)

by Cameron Jace

  “Time for some None Fu,” I say and begin the show.

  Chapter 68

  Queen’s private prison, Buckingham Palace, London

  Carolus banged his head against the wall.

  Part of it was the pain. But another part was his disappointment with the plan. He felt weakened needing to collaborate with the Queen of Hearts to get his medicine to relieve himself of the migraines.

  This wasn’t his plan at all.

  Tomorrow was going to be the third day the plague had taken hold of the world. It was supposed to be the peak moment to execute his real plan. The real reason he had infected the world with his hookahs.

  But now he’d become the Queen’s slave, and she was going to use his weakness in her favor after their secret conversation in her chamber. She had an even more insane plan of her own now.

  Not that he cared for her. All he needed was to play along until she gave him the Lullaby drug, and then, once the headaches were gone, he would proceed with his plan and force the Pillar to show himself.

  For now, he has no choice but to wait, but no longer until tomorrow, or everything he’d planned would be gone with the wind.

  Chapter 69

  Brazil

  The Reds aren’t an easy fight, but my None Fu skills have progressed a lot.

  I hit the first two Reds with straight kicks to their faces, which sends them both with their back against the wall. Then with two simultaneous fists, I punch their hollow faces underneath the cloaks. The first one drops into nothingness, leaving a red cloak lying on the floor behind him. The other, much stronger, strangles me with the fabric of his cloak, almost choking me.

  Turned around now, I see the Pillar mass-finishing a few other Reds. I wish I’d learned to use that hose of his hookah. It’s much more efficient than my yeeha-jumping techniques.

  The Red choking me is too strong. I kick him with my legs and try to free myself from his grip with my hands, but it’s all in vain. My choking noises are getting louder, like scattered vowels of lost words.

  “You’re saying something?” the Pillar says in the middle of his own fight. He strangles an attacking Red and then waves a hand behind his ears, pretending he can’t hear what I’m saying. “Louder, Alice. Can’t hear you.”

  I choke harder, now starting to lose my voice instead of getting louder. To top it off, another Red attacks me from the front. I stretch my legs against his chest to stop him from approaching. Now I’m squeezed between the two.

  “That must be an awkward position you’re in,” the Pillar says, whipping his hose at other Reds. “Is that None Fu, too?”

  My soul burns with revenge. I’m provoked like I have never been before. If I manage to kill the two Reds, it’ll be mainly to prove to the Pillar I don’t need him.

  A crazy idea presents itself. I pull Lewis’s key from my pocket and stretch my hand backward into the Red’s face, attacking him with the small golden weapon.

  Surprisingly, it works.

  Well, kind of, as he sneezes red bubbles all over my hair and face. At least my neck is free now.

  Freed from his grip, I land on the floor and pull the Red’s cloak and bind it with the other Red’s cloak in a heavy knot. The two mercenaries struggle to free themselves. No one must have done this to them before.

  “Now that’s None Fu,” I tell the Pillar, kicking another Red in the face.

  “See? I knew you could handle yourself. That’s why I didn’t help.” He is about to pull off the Scientist’s cloak when three of them strangle him from behind, pulling his hookah away.

  “Need some help now?” I kick the Scientist in the back then hit his head, knocking him unconscious.

  “Not in a million years,” he says but struggles to free himself.

  I use the Scientist’s hand like a baseball bat and hit the first Red with it, then slap the other with the other hand. It’s not much of a fight but enough distraction for the Pillar to handle the rest.

  Then I plunge through the door, still pulling the Scientist’s heavy body along.

  Outside, it’s pitch black. I don’t have the slightest idea where we are. All I see is a silver Jeep parked at the curb. I keep pulling the Scientist, the Pillar still fighting inside.

  The Scientist is a bit heavy, so it takes some time to sit him in the backseat. I kill a couple of Reds and then jump into the Jeep and ignite the engine.

  I have no intention of waiting for the Pillar. Besides, I see a few attacking Reds in the distance. I push the pedal into the darkness, leaving the Pillar behind.

  Chapter 70

  With the fog lights on, I chug my way into some sort of jungle, with no idea where I’m heading.

  The car bumps every other second. I squint, leaning forward, my chest on the wheel. For a moment, I wonder how I’m such a good driver. If so, why did I crash the school bus in the past?

  It’s only a few minutes before an army of Jeeps pops up behind me. Their lights are much stronger than mine. I feel like a thief exposed by the watchtower’s light while trying to escape a prison.

  The worst part is that I don’t know where I am going. How can I contact the Pillar’s chauffeur to pick me up?

  “Hey, Scientist!” I shout at the back of my Jeep. “Wake up!”

  I hear no reply from the comatose body in the back.

  Instead, I hear the Reds in the Jeeps behind me. They’re telling me to stop and give the Scientist back, or they’ll let their animals loose after me.

  Animals?

  “Scientist! Wake up. How am I supposed to kill Carolus?”

  This time, I get back a sort of response. A snore.

  Then I hear the animals let loose behind me. They don’t sound like dogs. I hear them treading the earth so loud my Jeep shakes. What kind of dogs are those?

  Adjusting the rearview mirror while hitting another bump in the road, I see silhouettes of oversized animals, eager to eat a piece of me. They’re panting, not like dog, but...wait...they’re not panting.

  They’re roaring.

  Am I being chased by lions?

  “You still have a chance to stop!” one of the Reds says.

  “And you have a chance to back off before I kill your precious Scientisto!” I roar back, mostly shaking when I see they’re really lions in the rearview mirrors.

  Not the usual lions you see at the zoo. These are a bit heavier. Fatter. Rounder. Dotted with black spots, and they have sharp, irregular teeth.

  I let out the loudest shriek, my eyes bulging out, hardly gripping the wheel. I grip the wheel harder when I’m about to lose control of it.

  It’s the teeth that have me panicked.

  I know those teeth. I’ve seen them before. They look like the Bandersnatch teeth in my bullets.

  Chapter 71

  The lions are so close they bump their heads against the back of my Jeep.

  I wonder why this Scientist hasn’t woken up yet. I didn’t hit him that hard, did I?

  Clutching the pedal to its max, a light suddenly appears in the sky.

  Finally, the Pillar’s chopper.

  I hear the kids rooting for me up there. “Alice save us!”

  “Alice needs someone to save her,” I mumble, trying not to think about the lion running parallel to my Jeep now.

  “I’m throwing you a rope to pick you up!” the chauffeur says, as a rope dangles before my eyes.

  “I need two. I have to bring the Scientist along. He must know more than what he has told us.”

  “I only have one rope. Attach him to it, and I will send it down to you again!”

  “How am I supposed to attach him to the rope while driving?” I scream.

  I pull my umbrella and squeeze it between the chair and the clutch so the Jeep keeps speeding, then grip the rope and jump in the back. There is a metal belt that I bind to the Scientist’s body, and then I tell the chauffeur to pull it up.

  Another lion slashes his paws at me in an acrobatic move, and I fall back to the driver’s seat.

/>   “I’m sending it back!” the chauffeur shouts.

  That’s the same instant when the car starts slowing down.

  “No!”

  One look at the dashboard, and I realize I’m out of fuel.

  In a flash, I grip the rope and begin to tighten the belt around my waist. For some reason, it’s not working. It won’t click closed.

  “It’s not working!”

  “That’s not good.”

  “No shit. I know it’s not good.”

  “No, Alice, you don’t understand,” the kids shout. “There is a cliff ahead of you.”

  “This is some Hollywood movie I’m in,” I mumble again. “Lions, Reds, and a cliff. All I need is an earthquake.”

  The Jeep keeps slowing down, and one of lions manages to jump inside.

  I can’t even scream now. I don’t remember Alice in Wonderland dying in Wonderland.

  The belt finally clicks and I tell them to pull me up.

  The lions snatches my shoe away then pulls on the tip of my jeans. He could easily have my feet for an appetizer now, but I guess he’s into the whole meal.

  Embarrassed, I have no choice but to pull off my jeans, but not before I pull out the key and tuck it between my teeth.

  I stare at the roaring lions and the maddening Reds below me, and let out a sigh.

  But it’s not long before the Reds start laughing hysterically at me. The kids too.

  Damn my pink underwear, shining bright in the dark of the Brazilian jungle.

  Chapter 72

  The Pillar’s Chopper, Midair, Brazil

  Up in the plane, the children welcome me and give me a blanket to cover my legs until further notice.

  “Thank you,” I tell the chauffeur.

  “You’re welcome,” a voice answers.

  Then the Pillar appears out of the cockpit. He smiles and high fives a few kids.

  “How did you get here?” I say.

  “I stepped through the door,” he winks. “Never had a thing for entering a plane through a window.”

  “Pillar!”

  “Ah, you mean, how did I fight hordes of Reds on my own without even staining my suit with their blood?” He rubs a feather off his sleeve. “I’ve always had a thing for staying clean and tidy, right children?”

  “Pillar clean!” They raise their hands.

  “Besides,” the Pillar continues, “if I hadn’t survived, you wouldn’t have been saved from the Reds.” He leans back into his favorite couch and presses a button. A screen of the beach rolls down behind him, and sounds of chirping birds fill the plane.

  One of the kids strolls over, wearing an ice cream man outfit. “Ice Cream. Banana flavor. Mango flavor. Even strawberry. One penny each.”

  The Pillar leans forward and tips the boy, rewarding himself with an ice cream crone. “Ice cream, kids?” he turns to the others.

  “Yeah!”

  It’s a shame I’m drooling over the ice cream in this humid oven of a chopper.

  “Ice cream, Alice?” He smiles.

  I sneer at him.

  “And, please, no need to thank me for saving your pink butt.”

  The children can’t stop laughing, their noses stained with some red strawberry flavor.

  “I had to leave you behind.” I stick out my neck. “The same way you betrayed me in the Garden of Cosmic Speculation.”

  “You left me?” The Pillar pouts like a bratty child. “I’m shocked. I thought you had to save the Scientist and didn’t have the chance to think about me.”

  “Stop playing with my head. You know I left you on purpose.”

  “But you’re glad that I’m alive, right?” he says. “Come on, aren’t you children glad I’m alive?”

  The children gather around him, some of them kissing him. I wonder why they like him so much. It’s as if they’re sharing a special connection I can’t put my hands on. The same way I sensed he and the Executioner kept a secret.

  “Are you glad I’m alive, my chauffeur?” He cranes his neck at the cockpit.

  “Of course, Professor. I need someone to tell me how to drive this plane properly.”

  We hit another air bump.

  “Watch out for those clouds you keep bumping into.” The Pillar raises his ice cream cone.

  “It’s not a cloud, Professor,” I hear the chauffeur snicker from inside the cockpit. “It’s a big mushroom in the sky.”

  The kids laugh at this, too. Suddenly I’m the most boring person on set. But I don’t care. It’s time for the next step in stopping the plague.

  “I think we better know who the Scientist really is.” I point at the comatose body on the plane’s floor.

  Chapter 73

  “First I need to know where I’m going,” the chauffeur interrupts.

  “London, of course,” the Pillar says. “Alice needs to find Carolus and kill him.”

  “Oki doki!”

  “I’m still not sure how I’m the one who’s supposed to kill him.” I say.

  “I’m not sure either. But I believe the Scientist. He didn’t tell us this last precious detail until we pushed him hard.”

  “Yes, but how? I mean, just shoot him?”

  “I really doubt the likes of Carolus will die that easily. If only Alice can kill Lewis Carroll’s split persona, then there has to be a certain method to do it. Didn’t Lewis ever tell you how when you met him?”

  “Not that I remember.”

  “I guess he only wanted to give you the key.” The Pillar eyes it in my hand. I grip it harder. “Don’t worry. I won’t take it from you. We need the Six Keys all together anyway. I have one. You have one. That’s about fair.”

  “Lewis told me not to show it to you in particular, in case you want to know.”

  “I don’t.” He dismisses me. “But I do want to know how you can kill Carolus before tomorrow night, or the world will be toast.”

  “And how am I supposed to find that out?”

  “Well, let’s start with the Scientist, the Executioner, or whoever he is.” The Pillar walks toward the body, about to pull the hood back. “I’m sure he hasn’t told us everything. Nice pants by the way.”

  I sneer at him. “Aren’t all Reds just hollow underneath the cloak?”

  “He isn’t a Red, that’s for sure.” He grips the hood.

  “How do you know?”

  “Didn’t you see how the Reds nudged him to make him talk or stop talking?” the Pillar says. “My assumption is the Scientist was their prisoner. They just wanted us to think otherwise for some reason.”

  “So pull it off, then.”

  “Are you ready, children?” He acts like a magician again.

  Along with the children, I nod eagerly.

  Then he pulls the hood back.

  It’s not the Executioner, and I am not surprised. I had a feeling the Reds were lying to scare us.

  But I never guessed it would be The March Hare.

  Chapter 74

  Queen’s garden, Buckingham Palace, London

  The Queen wouldn’t tell Margaret her new plan, and she enjoyed how it drove the Duchess crazy.

  “Tell me, Margaret. Aren’t the world’s presidents having a meeting in the United Nations Office at Geneva?”

  “Yes, tomorrow afternoon. Why?”

  “I want to attend it.”

  “But you declined the invitation earlier.”

  “That was when I was concerned with stopping Carolus from ending the world.”

  “What’s changed? His plague is still going to end the world. We haven’t found a cure.”

  “You won’t understand, Margaret. You know why? Because you’re ugly.”

  “It’s dumb people who usually don’t understand.” Margaret folded her arms.

  The Queen knew how much Margaret hated her but couldn’t oppose her, not before they found the keys. She enjoyed such suppression a lot, even better than painting white roses red.

  “Well, then we’re about to change that,” the Queen said.
“Once this plague is over, teachers should tell students that it’s ugly people who don’t understand, and that dumb people only look horrible. Now back to what I was saying.”

  “All ears, My Queen.”

  “Get me on a plane to Geneva to meet up with the presidents of the world tomorrow. Remind me, what was the meeting about?”

  “The plague, of course.” Margaret sighed. “The world’s only concern at the moment. They’re looking for a solution.”

  “Of course, I knew that, Margaret. Did you think I was dumb—I mean ugly like you?” The Queen grinned.

  “And what about Carolus, if I may ask?”

  “He’s coming with me.” The Queen prided herself. “Those presidents of the world have no idea what I have prepared for them. It’s so amazing I feel taller already!”

  Chapter 75

  The Pillar’s Chopper

  “Professor Jittery?” I cup my hands over my mouth.

  The March Hare snaps out of his sleep, stretching his arms out like a blind man. “Where am I?”

  “Relax.” The Pillar knocks his butt with his cane. “You’re on my plane.”

  I sneer at the Pillar and take the March Hare in my arms to calm him down. I have no idea how he is the Scientist, but I still feel for him since we met in the Hole. One look at him and you realize he is nothing but a child in an old man’s body.

  “Oh, I remember now,” he rubs his head. “You hit me on the head, Alice.”

  “I had to, so I could bring you here with me. You have no idea what kind of adventure we had while you were unconscious. I still can’t believe you’re the Scientist. Why would you do such a horrible thing like cooking this plague?”

  “Because he wants to go back to Wonderland.” The Pillar stands over us, about to pull the March’s long hair and smash him into the wall, I think.

  “Is that true?” I pat the March Hare, who’s still shivering in my hands.

  “It’s complicated.”

  “Explain it to me, please.” I say.