I sighed. Hurt? Somehow, a different kind of pain was bothering me now. I have not thought of Bryan all morning. All I could think about was Ryder and the pleasures we shared last night… and then the cold look he gave me this morning.
“You did go overboard on the kissing, you know.” Nicole teased. “I don’t think you were pretending.”
“Maybe we’re not.” I said, sighing.
“Excuse me?”
“Well… he said to me that we weren’t pretending. That last night, we really did belong to each other.” I sighed glumly. “Only… I got carried away.”
Nicole stared at me for a moment and then she asked, “Got carried away how?”
I sighed. I contemplated on telling her what really happened but then I decided against it. I don’t think she’d understand. Somehow, I can’t bear for anyone to think that I paid to have my virginity taken away from me. How pathetic could I be?
“I forgot that my life still sucked when I woke up today.” I said.
“Oh God, Ash! Please!” She rolled her eyes. “I hope you saw the beautiful girl I saw last night. She was radiant, she was confident! Your life does not suck! Bryan was stealing glances at you the whole time. Trust me! I was looking at him. He couldn’t get his eyes off you and he was throwing daggers at Ryder whenever he can. Trust me, that guy is chewing his nails last night! He wanted you more than he wanted his bride. And the fact that Ryder was all over you was driving him crazy.”
I stared at Nicole. I tried to feel sorry for Bryan but the only thing I feel now is… I don’t know… a sense of vindication. But a bigger part of me still thinks about all the things that happened between Ryder and me last night. Somehow, in the middle of the charade, something changed. Something in me. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. And the look he gave me before I left him is still playing over and over in my head. He looked really pissed with me.
“Everybody was looking at you, Ash. They admired your courage. They thought you and Ryder are just the perfect couple. You are. You really are.” She said. “He’s a sweet guy.”
I sighed. “Too sweet.”
Nicole stared at me. “You like him, don’t you?”
I stared at her and immediately, I knew my cheeks burned.
“Oh my God, you like him! For real! You weren’t pretending!” Nicole accused.
I rolled my eyes. “Nicole, please! Ryder could have had his pick of any woman last night. But he was mine. Because I paid him to be. It was a gig for him. And he did well.”
“Come on, Ash. You should give yourself more credit than that! You’re beautiful, for crying out loud! Don’t let what Geena and Bryan did to you make you feel any less about yourself. You deserve better than that. A lot better.”
I tried to understand what Nicole was saying to me. But being dumped and cheated on by the two people you thought admired you the most can really take a toll on your self-respect and confidence. And right now, I still couldn’t move past that. I still think I must be the most unattractive and unlovable person on earth for them to do what they did to me.
Nicole finished packing and then we went to the lobby.
“Do you have a ride?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Yes. I’ll go with the rest of the crew. We have a van. You know how it works.”
I nodded. “I’ll see you later.”
Nicole smiled at someone behind me. Then she waved goodbye to me.
I turned around and saw Ryder approaching me, my bag in his hand.
“Ready to go?” He asked. His voice was still a bit cold. I couldn’t see his eyes, they were hidden beneath his dark sports sunglasses.
“Have you checked out?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Well, then let me say goodbye to Mom and Dad.”
He went with me, like a true gentleman, as I said goodbye to my parents, my aunts and uncles.
Once we were alone in the car, we both fell silent. For the first time, I didn’t know what to say to him. Now, we didn’t need to pretend. No more need for formalities, or to start feeling at ease with each other.
It was a very long ride and it seemed that Ryder was also lost in his own thoughts. I lied back on my seat and then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
In my dreams, I remembered touching Ryder, I remembered hugging him and I remembered the heat of his body against mine… and I felt love. I wanted to linger in his arms forever. I wanted to stay there and continue feeling loved, continue feeling desired.
I felt a tap on my cheek. It was so light, I could barely feel it. When I opened my eyes, I found Ryder staring down at me.
I stared back at him, not knowing what to say. I couldn’t help thinking how beautiful he was. And that last night, he really did belong to me. But it was… over… too soon!
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I sat up straight on my seat and found that we were already in front of Adam’s house. I sighed. “So, this is it.”
He nodded.
I smiled at him. “Thank you, Ryder.” I said quietly. “For a job well done.”
He didn’t say anything. He just continued staring at me.
I stared at the ring on my finger. I began to take it off but then I felt his hand close in against mine.
He shook his head. “Keep it.” He said. “You have promises you need to keep. This should remind you of them.”
I bit my lip. I wanted to cry. How could he be so perfect? How could he be so wonderful? And how could the sincere look on his face be just a charade? Part of the act?
He pushed a stray lock of hair behind my ear.
“See you, Astrid.” He said to me. But I know he was saying goodbye for real. His job was done.
“Goodbye, Ryder.” I whispered.
“I wish you all the best..” He added.
“You too.” I wonder whether he changed his mind about the third promise he asked of me. Perhaps after last night, he doesn’t want to see me anymore. Perhaps, he changed his mind about me. After all, I’m the type of girl who pays to have a guy to take her to bed. “Thank you. For a wonderful night.”
His eyes narrowed. He took a deep breath and then instead saying something, he simply nodded.
We stared at each other for a long while. My heart was pounding wildly inside my chest. It seems that we both wanted to say something to each other but we couldn’t bring ourselves to do so. It made me wonder if it was sex that changed and ruined the magic we shared last night.
“G-goodbye.” I said, finally, cutting through the silence.
He nodded. I took my bag and then I went out of the car. As soon as I stepped out and close the door behind me, Ryder sped off, without another word or a backward glance. A tear rolled down my cheek. Ryder had been wonderful. I knew at that instant, that he left a mark in my heart. And I couldn’t help feeling empty now that I may never see him again.
I noticed that Adam wasn't home yet. I went inside the house. I placed my bag in my room and then I went to get a beer from Adam’s fridge and sat on his deck to stare at the waves in the ocean, and the surfers dancing with them.
I tried to recollect everything that happened last night. The way that Ryder rescued me from every single embarrassment that could have happened to me, the way he made me feel that I was the queen in the room and he answered to my every whim, the way that he kissed me that made me feel I deserved every bit of it, the way that he touched me that made me feel like a precious fragile crystal.
I thought about Bryan and the irritated look he threw at Ryder. For the first time in months I was able to smile. Smile at the thought of Bryan, because I know now that I couldn’t always be the one crying over him. I couldn’t always be the one feeling sorry for myself. I know there is hope. Someday, I’ll find someone who will look at me the way that Ryder looked at me last night. Now, I know that things happen for a reason, and knowing that I can wantonly lose control with a man like Ryder made me think I was meant to be passionate… more than I will ever be for Bryan.
I felt Adam s
it beside me. “Hey, cuz.” He greeted warmly. I gave him a warm smile. “Wow! You look better than you did the last time you sat in that chair.”
I sighed and looked at the beach. “Maybe I am better.”
“I see Van Woodsen had some positive effect on you.” He said sarcastically.
“His real name is Ryder Woodson, Adam.” I said.
He shrugged but didn’t say anything.
“Not to be confused with some rich people in New York..” I said. “But our uncles and aunts, even Mom and Dad think that now.”
“He pulled it off, didn’t he?”
I nodded. “Very well. I can say that he is smart. He even sounded like he went to college.”
“Maybe he did.” Adam said.
“If he did then why does he make a living getting people drunk?”
Adam shook his head. “Maybe he just has a passion for… mixing drinks.”
I shrugged. “He’s a people person. He can listen to you whine over and over. Comes with the job description, I guess.” I said.
“How was your night?” Adam asked.
I took a gulp of my beer because remembering all the things that Ryder and I did in the hotel room will surely make me blush all over again and I don’t want Adam to see that.
“It was… spectacular!” I replied. “Bryan and Geena thought I was engaged!”
“Yeah and she hated you more for that.” Adam said.
I raised a brow at him. “Hate me? What right does she have to hate me for being engaged? I was engaged before she slept with my fiancé behind my back!” I said crossly.
Adam shrugged. “Geena knew the game, Ash. She knew the real reason why Bryan married her. It was the baby… and also because previous wedding arrangements have already been made. She knew that. She knew that her husband is still harboring feelings for you. And she can’t believe that in spite of all these, you appeared in that wedding reception, with your head held high, all happy and in love… with an even better man. And you got engaged again! For real!”
“Not for real!” I rolled my eyes.
“But she didn’t know that!” Adam said. “Somehow, she was wondering how it’s possible you managed to get marriage proposals… while she had to steal fiancés and dream weddings. And of course… you stole her thunder on her wedding day!”
“I think it’s only fair, since she robbed me of my wedding day!” I said sarcastically.
“Well, I just hope that you’re happy, Ash.” Adam said.
I remembered last night again and I know that I had already started the healing process. I was happy. Because I conquered all my fears of facing my relatives. Because I didn’t look like the fool anymore. Then I remembered the passionate night that followed after. I sighed. The healing process had started before I knew it had already begun. I don’t need to be afraid to accept change anymore. I need not be stubborn anymore.
“I’ll get there, Adam.” I said to him. “Thanks to you, I know I’ll get there.”
He ruffled my hair and then left me alone in the deck.
My thoughts drifted off to Ryder again.
What was that look on his face? What changed him this morning? He said to me that he does not regret what happened to us last night but then why did it look like he was mad at me afterward? What was going on in his mind?
I stared at the ring on my finger. It was lovely beyond words that it was hard to believe that it wasn't a real diamond.
Somehow, I wish we weren’t mad at each other when we parted ways. I wish we gave each other one last kiss and then said our goodbyes.
Maybe because we slept together, it changed the agenda. It made him feel like if he continued being sweet in the morning, I would hope it was all real and he didn’t want to give me any false hopes. He was just being true and honest. He was being a gentleman.
After I finished my beer, I went to take a shower. Then I dressed into my pajamas and unpacked my bags. It was still early but already I feel exhausted, I just want to sleep.
I placed my dirty clothes in my hamper and all the unused clothes back in the closet. Seeing the gown I wore last night made me think of Ryder again, and how wonderful he had been.
It was all a scam… part of the charade, Ash! I scolded myself. Ryder was a figment of my imagination. I created him. With ten grand, I created a guy who only existed in dreams.
Handsome as hell, sweet as heaven.
I may be stupid enough to get too drunk and sleep with him, wishing he was real, but I know I am not stupid enough to fall in love with a dream.
With a frown on my face, I placed my gown in my hamper.
I placed my wallet in my dresser. Making sure that the bag is empty, I opened all the pockets. I felt an envelope inside one of them.
I fished it out and found two envelopes folded together. I looked inside and found Adam’s checks in both of them. The whole ten grand.
My heart pounded in my chest. These were Ryder’s checks. He hadn't cashed the first one. Nor did he accept the second one that I left in the table for him.
One of the envelopes has something written in it in his neat script:
Astrid,
Remember your promises. All three of them.
Love,
Ryder
I touched the words with my hand. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It confused me more to wonder how it is that my heart feels broken at this moment. Like I know I won’t be seeing Ryder again in my life and a part of me does not like that. Like I wanted to take it all back and wish that I have been much kinder to him this morning. That I was able to thank him enough for what he did for me.
Lying down on my bed, I hugged the envelopes to my chest and I cried my heart out.
Chapter Nine
HONEYMOON:
A passionate period following a new-found love or relationship.
A period of harmony.
It was Bryan’s and Geena’s first month anniversary. I know not because I was keeping tabs, or because I received an invitation for another celebration. I doubt they’ll be inviting me to any special occasions in their lives anymore. I couldn’t care less. I know it’s their first month anniversary because that’s how long I have been smiling for real.
I have successfully stopped myself from thinking about Bryan and the what ifs and what could have beens. I know things happen for a reason and someday, I would be thankful that they happened this way.
I was beginning to smile more… and for real. Especially when I look at the ring on my finger and remember that I made one wonderful guy a promise… that I would allow myself to be healed. That I would believe in ‘ever afters’ again.
Whenever my mother calls, she asks about Ryder. I had to indulge her with make-up stories. And then when she makes an attempt to see the two of us together, I say that Ryder is quite busy with a new bar that he’s putting up and he may not be available at the time she wanted to see us. It always seemed to work… so far.
I didn’t see Ryder again, but I wanted to. I was hanging out at Oil Rig with my friends, always on the lookout for him.
“He really got under your skin, didn’t he?” John asked me once.
“No. I just wanted to see him and ask him how he is.” I lied. In truth, I think Ryder really did get under my skin that night I got under the sheets with him. Well, of course, who forgets their first? Maybe the types of Geena do, but I’m nothing like her. I had a momentary lapse of moral values, I gave in to one night of wonderful passion with my knight in shining Armani. How is that easy to forget?
“Why don’t you call him then?” He asked.
I did try to call Ryder. Once a day, I would stare at his number on my phone, make up a conversation in my head. I thought I would start by asking if he’s on duty at Oil Rig tonight and then conveniently plan a night out there with my friends so I can run into him. But I always chicken out. And so far, once a week, I have been with my friends at Oil Rig, and he wasn’t there that it made me wonder if he still works there. But I was too afraid to ask
his fellow bartenders.
“I can’t believe he refused to accept the ten grand.” Dannie said. “He could use it.” I wondered the same thing too. “Unless, you slept with him and he felt guilty about taking the money.”
Somehow, that comment irritated me so much that I wanted to slap Dannie across the face. But I prevented myself from doing so, because I know that it bothered me because… it was the truth. Sometimes, I think that maybe he didn’t take the money because he already took so much from me.
He may not be rich, but Ryder is a stand-up guy. He was a gentleman, and that made me admire him all the more. So much more that it made me feel guilty about sleeping with him. If it weren’t for that, he would have taken the money, and there was no reason for him not to. He needed it as much as I did. Especially after renting an expensive suit, an expensive car, and a luxury hotel room.
Knight in Shining Suit: Get Up. Get Even. Get a better man. Page 12