by T. K. Chapin
Upon entering the doctor’s office waiting room, I was dismayed at how many people were in the waiting room to be seen. I thought I would have to wait out there forever, but they called me back after only ten minutes after arriving. Thank goodness, because a pregnant lady in the waiting room was trying to feed her baby a bottle while he was screaming. Didn’t she know to slow down when you can’t even keep one happy?
“I’m going to need you to pee in this cup, we run various tests on it, plus we’ll get some blood and hopefully get you feeling better again!” the nurse said handing me a little plastic cup. She was in her early twenties, had her blonde hair up in a bun and a wedding ring on her finger that any girl would be jealous of. She looked pretty and happy.
“Alright, thanks,” I replied, heading into the bathroom. Why do doctors insist on this kind of thing? I hope they aren’t drug testing me… that wouldn’t be good.
Coming out of the bathroom, I followed the nurse down the hallway and into an exam room. “Go ahead and have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly,” she said, shutting the door quietly behind her as she left.
Waiting for the doctor only took a matter of fifteen minutes or so, but it had felt like hours. Then finally, he arrived. Coming in, my doctor, Doctor Hall, was an older man in his late sixties and very kind. He had been seeing my family for years. “You’ve grown quite a bit Claire,” he said with that same warm smile he’s always had. He shut the door behind him and took a seat on the stool with my chart in hand.
“How are you holding up?” he asked crossing one of his legs over the other as he removed his glasses. His concern seemed genuine. It could have just been his high cheek bones or the fact I had been seeing him since I was just a kid, either way I was glad to have him as my doctor.
Letting out a breath, I relaxed my shoulders. “I’ve been working a lot and trying to get everything in my life figured out.”
“I see, and how is school?”
“I couldn’t stay in school and maintain a full time job, so school’s on hold for the moment…”
A concerned look came across his face as he adjusted in his seat and looked down at the chart. Thumbing a page over, he was silent for a moment. “I see, so what brought you in today Claire?”
“Well I’ve been stressed lately, and now that I work full time I am not as active and so I’ve been gaining weight and eating a ton more food! which I think could be from the stress and my friend Nicole said it could be some disorder where I eat myself to death and I wanted to rule that out because I don’t want to die, and Todd needs me, and if everything is okay with my health, I heard about some appetite suppressors? I was hoping you could give me some of those because I eat all the time… sorry for rambling.”
“Do you have a boyfriend Claire?”
“What? I don’t… why?” I asked leaning from my seat on the patient bed in the room, trying to figure out why he would ask that. Did he find out Matt beat me? But what would that have to do with anything. More confused than ever, I watched him sigh and gather himself together before telling me this next part.
“Well… you’re pregnant.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe what he said.
“You’re result came back as positive for being pregnant. Do you know how far along you might be?”
Shaking my head, I replied, “That’s not possible… I don’t have a boyfriend…and I haven’t had a boyfriend in months. We were safe… Did you mess that test up?”
“I am a hundred percent positive you are pregnant Claire. Now we need to figure out how far along, do you remember the first day of your last period?”
Sighing, I began thinking out loud. “Umm not the exact day, I don’t keep track... But it was like three months or so ago… that’s completely normal for me though, I have PCOS and my periods are always crazy. Ask my OBGYN, Doctor Lindsey over at Rosemark.”
“Hmm…” he replied, looking back at the chart for a moment. “Was that a typical period?”
“I spotted… but that’s normal for me too. Do you know what PCOS is? It makes it all crazy. ”
“Hmm... Yes, I know of it. Well, let me give Lindsey a call and see if she can see you today. Normally I would do some blood work, but if we are right, and I am sure we are, you are pregnant and Lindsey will want to do the blood work herself, along with some other tests, hold on one moment I’ll be right back.” He stood up and forced a smile before leaving the room.
Pregnant? There was no way that was possible… I hadn’t had sex since Matt, and that was months ago. There had to be a mistake, they probably mixed my pee cup up with the lady from the waiting room who doesn’t know when to stop having kids! That has to be it, and this will all be solved quickly.
A few minutes later, a nurse came into my room and let me know that I could go right over to Rosemark and see Doctor Lindsey. Thank goodness this will all be cleared up shortly. As I walked out to my uncle’s truck, I thought about Doctor Hall, how could he have mixed my cup up with someone else? Maybe it’s time he retires. Me, prego? No way. If it were to be true, that would have to mean all the drugs and alcohol… everything I had been doing was going to my unborn child. Touching my torso at the thought, I cringed. Please let it not be true… I can’t be pregnant. I can’t. And if by some slight chance I am, there is no way it could be normal, it would come out deformed, please no.
Trembling as I approached the counter at Rosemark, I said in a faint voice, “I’m here to see Doctor Lindsey…”
The receptionist, an older lady with curly salt and peppered hair and oversized glasses, looked up from her computer screen. “Do you have an appointment?”
“I was sent over here by Doctor Hall…”
“Okay. Have you been here before?”
“Yes. Several times…”
“Okay, what’s your name?”
“Claire.”
“They didn’t mention on the phone why you were being seen, what are you here for?”
“Um… they think I might be pregnant.”
Looking down at my stomach and back up at me I could feel her contempt for me.
“My face is up here lady.” I was not in the mood for her to judge me, especially when it was most likely not true.
“Get used to it, as your belly gets bigger that’s all people will look at. Have a seat they’ll call you back shortly.”
She had a bit of a nasty attitude with me, which was strange since she had a public facing job. Why would they stick someone like that there? I wondered walking over to take a seat. As I sat down, I saw mothers across the room. Watching as one tried to burp a baby and manage a child that was misbehaving, I slouched in my seat. I’m not a mom, I’m a kid… this has to be a misunderstanding.
“Claire,” A nurse said from the open door on the other side of the room. This was it. Time to get this sorted out. Each step felt heavy and exhausting as I made my way over to the doorway.
“Come on back.” As I followed behind her I got more and more nervous, this next half hour could possibly change my life. Either I am pregnant and I don’t even know where to start, or I am not, and this was a big news flash on how poorly my family doctor has been doing his job. “Step on the scale and then have a seat and let me get your blood pressure and pulse.” The nurse smiled kindly at me, sensing my anxiety. After she finished writing those down, she asked, “Could you give us a urine sample, Claire?”
“My other doctor just got one...” I told her, not understanding why everyone wants my urine.
“Right, but just in case you are pregnant we will need to run some tests on it, also need to check to make sure the pregnancy is going fine and there is nothing to be alarmed with.”
“Oh, okay… I will try,” I replied, taking the cup from her. After being able to squeeze another sample out, the nurse led me down the hallway.
Leading me into a room, the nurse left me alone. “She’ll be in soon,” she said, shutting the door behind her.
Posters and strange things litte
red the room; OBGYN exam rooms are a bit intimidating. With the stirrups and the odd plastic molds of things you really don’t need to see enlarged. A few minutes had passed and my nerves were getting the best of me, causing a full on nervous shake. So naturally, I sought out a distraction from my thoughts. I found my way over to a pile of magazines that were on a counter. Modern Mom, Mom’s Magazine and Better Homes… what a lovely collection of magazines, not. Sighing heavily, I passed by the bed again and took a seat against the wall, with no magazine in hand.
Soon enough Doctor Lindsey arrived. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail and her black framed glasses sat nicely on her high cheekbones. She was a beautiful woman. “I hear you’ve had an interesting day, how are you feeling Claire?” She asked, coming into the room.
“Been better…” I replied softly. “So what do you need to do to confirm or debunk if I’m pregnant?”
She got a confused look on her face. “I thought Doctor Hall already told you that the test came back positive?”
“He did… but I’m still skeptical, they could’ve mixed my cup up with someone else’s… or a false positive, those could be possible right?”
Lindsey set her clipboard down on the counter and took a seat right next to me. Letting out a breath, she turned and said, “I know it can be hard to go through this… Are you alone with this pregnancy?”
“If I am pregnant… yes, I’m alone.”
She nodded softly as she continued to look at me. “I went through the same thing with my oldest boy Jackson.”
I glanced over and saw a wedding ring. “But you’re married.”
“Yes, that was after I had Jackson. He was… a surprise; let’s just put it that way. I had just graduated from High School, I was going to college and I had no way of taking care of him. I was scared to death!”
“What did you do?”
“I had to stop thinking about myself and start focusing my efforts and life of my baby. I focused so hard on Jackson and making a world that he’d want to come into. And by the time he was born, I was able to enjoy him…” She placed a hand on my knee and continued, “Claire… I don’t know your circumstances or what’s going on in your life, but I can tell that you have people that care about you and love you dearly. You need to let them help you.”
“If I am pregnant… I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.”
She smiled warmly at me. “You just won’t believe it until you see it, huh?”
I nodded quickly. I was scared to death. On the verge of acceptance, I still was in denial. Accepting I was pregnant would mean accepting I had hurt my baby, and I couldn’t deal with that.
“Well then, let’s have a look! Do you know how far along you might be?” She asked.
“If I am pregnant, the last time I had sex was about four months ago.”
“Okay, you are far enough along that we can do the ultrasound on your tummy, instead of the other one, which is more invasive. If you were under about fourteen weeks or so the uterus would be too small and not high enough up to see on the tummy one.”
“Interesting… let’s just get this over with.”
“Okay,” she said, slapping her legs right before she rose to her feet. She went over and patted the bed. “I’ll need you to hop up here and we’ll take a look.”
My feet felt as if they were cemented to the floor, it took everything in me to get up from that chair and go lie down. I always knew one day I wanted to be a mom, but that was a far off dream. I was supposed to be older, married, have a house with a white picket fence and everything together in my life... not this.
As I lay on the bed, I focused my stare at the ceiling, keeping my glance away from the screen, repeating in my mind it can’t be true. The doctor broke into my thoughts, warning me. “While it won’t hurt… it might be a little cold at first. We try to warm it up for you, but it’s still not as warm as you are.”
“Okay,” I replied. My face emotionless, my eyes locked on the ceiling above. If I am pregnant, how am I going to care for another human being when I can’t even take care of myself?
“Do you want to watch?” Lindsey asked.
Shaking my head no, I couldn’t speak; nerves had clenched my throat shut. The machine was silent, but I could hear Lindsey moving the mouse and clicking away on the computer at random points. Suddenly I heard a whooshing sound, almost like drums under waves.
Surprised by the sound I looked at the screen and gasped. Tears welled in my eyes and poured out of me as I saw the screen. That’s my baby. Tears continued to pour as I watched Lindsey click away and get different shots of the baby.
Breaking through my thoughts again, Lindsey asked, “Do you want to know the sex?”
“You can tell that already?”
“Yeah… based on the measurements I have collected you are five months along.”
Five months? Holy crap I am over halfway, I am going to have a baby in four months! Overwhelmed I said “Yes, please.”
“You’re having a girl.”
A girl. I am having a baby girl. While crying, I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Lindsey finish up, and then tare something off by the machine. When she handed me some prints of the ultrasound I began crying harder as I thought of what I had done to my baby.
“What’s wrong?” Lindsey asked as she shut off the ultrasound equipment.
Scooting up on the bed to sit upright, I wiped tears away and shook my head. “I’ve done some bad stuff… and I’m just worried about my baby. Is she okay?”
Lindsey grabbed my hand and said, “Based on her development and measurements, she looks to be doing great Claire. She has all her fingers and toes and her organs are developing nicely.”
Fingers. She has fingers already. Looking down at my own hand, my fingers moved over the pictures I had of her. Sniffling, I asked, “What on earth am I going to do?”
“I can’t answer that for you Claire… You are the only person that can do that.”
“You can’t tell me anything? Advice or some encouragement? I have nobody here with me… And you said you went through this with your son.”
“You just have to walk through this door Claire, I can tell you this though - Have hope.”
Smiling, I wiped my tears away from my eyes as Lindsey leaned in and hugged me.
I could see a tear form in Lindsey’s eyes as a page came over the intercom. “Doctor Lindsey, you’re needed in room seven-o-seven, Doctor Lindsey, you are needed in room seven-o-seven.”
Giving me another hug, she said, “You’re going to do great Claire and you’re going to come back to me and we will deliver this baby to the world in four months. Meanwhile, I want you to start the prenatal the nurse will give you before you leave today. And I want to see you back every four weeks until you are twenty eight weeks along. Then every two weeks until you are thirty six weeks and then… every week after that. Today we will need to get some blood from you to make sure you’re doing okay, is there any other medical questions you have right now?” The page came over the intercom again.
“None that I can think of, this is still kind of shocking… Can I call if I think of something?
“Of course you can.”
“Okay,”” I replied with a light laugh through my tears and a smile. “Thank you so much!”
On my drive back out to Chattaroy I began thinking more and more about the little baby growing inside of me. There was no nine months of planning for me; my baby was going to be coming quickly. The stress started weighing heavily on me on the drive home. I didn’t have anywhere to go with my baby… it’s not like Jennie and Dale will be okay with this. Recalling the check I still had back with my belongings at Dale and Jennie’s, I breathed a sigh of relief. I can cash that and use it for a deposit on an apartment and a car. I can do this.
Thinking about my own mother, I recalled the story of how she and dad found out they were pregnant with me. It was a pretty general run of the mill type of story. She went out a bought a pregnancy test after bein
g late on her period for a week, they were trying for me, but didn’t want to test too soon and be disappointed. When they found out, they phoned both their parents immediately to tell them the news and everyone was happy for her, a baby shower and names were immediately discussed. I wish I could have that with my baby; to have someone be ecstatic of her arrival would be so nice. But that wasn’t the case; my baby was going to be a blunder, a mistake, an inconvenience.
Wonder what was Nicole is going to say? Todd? Nick? Joshua? Ugh… I didn’t want to tell anyone. Glancing down at my belly I knew I had some time left before I had to explain myself. I’m going to be a mom… The sentence didn’t feel real to me.
Arriving in the driveway at my aunt and uncle’s house, I felt my nerves unhinge as I stepped out of the truck. I held my purse close to my side, feeling like everyone could see through it and see the pictures from my ultrasound. I felt panicked, uneasy and uncomfortable in my own skin.
Then I thought of Matt. I have to tell him, he’s going to be mad at me. He has to know though… I can’t just hide his child from him, that wouldn’t be right. Really though, I want to tell everyone. Opening the screen door, Dale was standing in the doorway. It was my opportunity to spill the news, and I was about to say it when Lizzy suddenly came running out to his side.
“Isaac took my doll away from me!” she whined to Dale.
“Isaac…” Dale said back into the house as I walked by him inside. He headed into the living room to reprimand Isaac. They have enough problems here, I thought to myself. I don’t want to bother Dale and Jennie with this right now. This was my baby girl and my responsibility; I’ll take care of her.
Taking a seat at the kitchen table I felt exhausted. I suspected my body decided to start showing me signs of my pregnancy since I found out it was true. Sitting at the table, I began to have a craving for hot wings come over me. I hate hot wings… why am I craving them? I wondered.
“What’d the Doctor say?” Dale asked, coming back in from the living room, breaking my concentration.