by T. K. Chapin
Stopping, Todd grabbed my hand. “Why? He was by your side the whole time you were in that coma. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
“I know… but…”
“Why can’t you accept it?”
I looked back towards the house through the woods and shook my head. “It’s complicated Todd…”
“Try me…”
I laughed. “I just think he deserves better than me. He’s a really good guy and I’m just not that great of a gal… I think he’d do better with one of his hardcore Christian girls.”
“You are Christian now, Claire.”
“I know, but…”
“Whatever.” Todd interrupted me, clearly frustrated as he kept walking into the woods. “It’s your journey.”
“I just need to focus on Hope and myself. I don’t need to worry about a boy.” I caught up to his side.
“Okay…” Todd replied.
I could tell Todd was upset with what I said about Joshua, but I felt the need to focus on Hope and raising her. The boys would come and go through my life, but I didn’t want them to come and go through Hope’s life. Joshua was perfect, but far too perfect for a person like me.
CHAPTER 28
Sunday soon came and it was time to get my baby girl dedicated to God and announce my salvation to the church. I could feel the sweat bead on my forehead as I dressed Hope in her pink dress. The unusually warm morning with the lack of air conditioning was making it a less than tolerable day. I felt nervous as I wondered about something going wrong at church. What if I fell walking up to the front? What if Hope poops before we get up there and the Pastor smells her stinky diaper? My worries toyed with my mind as I got Hope and myself ready.
That morning at church, I sat in the front pew with Hope on my lap as I waited for us to be called up to the front of the church by the pastor.
“I’m pleased to have Claire and Hope with us this morning…” Pastor Johnny Ray said, up at the podium. He made eye contact with me as he motioned for us to come up to the front. As I walked up there, he continued, “This is a baby dedication, but a little extra special as Claire herself is following in her Brother Todd’s footsteps and is dedicating herself to the Lord through salvation.”
The congregation clapped loudly as we came to join the pastor’s side. “The miracle of life brought Claire to her knees and to the Lord. She’s been through a pretty rough patch this last little while, but she has come through it all and has arrived to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. She now knows the peace and love that God has for each one of us.”
The congregation cheered. Once they quieted down, Pastor Johnny Ray prayed over Hope out loud as he held her in his arms. Then he made an announcement of my baptism and it being located down near Copper’s Cove, where the old railway used to run.
As Dale and the rest of the family waited back at the house alongside me, we waited for the rest of the church goers to show. I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming peace come over me. I had my beautiful baby girl in my arms and a wonderful family that stood by my side. I was blessed more than I could have ever imagined.
Once everyone arrived, the pastor led the way. Every few moments on the walk, he’d wipe his brow with a handkerchief he kept in his suit pocket. Wearing a suit in the middle of August was a bad choice, but he didn’t care. Dale told me that the pastor was dedicated to staying sharp for the Lord no matter the temperature outside. Whenever Dale mentioned the pastor, his eyes would light up. I could tell he really respected him and looked to him for guidance. The two of them seemed to have a strong friendship and I saw it play out as they chatted on the way down to the river. They were laughing and talking back and forth all the way through the woods.
Arriving at the river, I stuck a toe in. The water was a bit chilly, but there was no turning back now. Kicking off my heels, I handed Hope to Jennie and stepped in. “Burrr!” I said back to the crowd on the shore.
“Bit chilly?” The pastor laughed handing his suit jacket to his wife. She gave him a rubber pair of pants to help protect his slacks. He put them on, rolled up his sleeves and walked into the water. “Oh yeah! It’s chilly!” He laughed.
We journeyed out deeper into the river to a spot that was just a bit higher than waist deep. With all eyes from the bank looking at us, the pastor looked at me and asked, “Claire Vander, is Jesus your Lord and Savior?” He put his hand against my back.
“Yes,” I replied with a bit of a shiver.
“Then in obedience to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and upon your profession of faith, I baptize you my Sister…” He dunked me and brought me back up as he continued. “In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.”
The congregation on the shore clapped excitedly as I wiped the water and hair from my eyes. Looking up as I hopped through the water I saw Joshua clapping in the crowd. My heart reached out to him like a lifeline, I wanted so badly to take hold and never let go, but I knew he deserved better. Smiling at him, hoping he couldn’t see the turmoil in my heart, I proceeded up the shore to the sand where Dale had a towel in hand. As I toweled off, people came over to me and congratulated me.
“I’m proud of you!” Jennie said into my ear causing me to smile. Looking at Hope I gave her a little tickle in the belly and kissed her.
“Hey Claire…” Joshua said from behind me.
His voice sent my beating heart into overdrive, turning around, I said, “Joshua…”
“I got you this.” He handed me a white box with a ribbon on it.
“Thanks,” I replied, I wanted to say more, but someone else tapped me on the shoulder to greet me, directing my attention away from Joshua.
“It’s so good you made this choice. Your baby and you will have such a better life with God!” an elderly woman said beaming with a smile.
“Thank you,” I smiled, shaking her hand. For the next half hour people congratulated me and wanted to say a few good words; I couldn’t stop smiling at the joy I felt, and the overwhelming love of God.
Later in the evening, I was up in Hope and I’s room rocking her to sleep when I remembered the little white box I had put on the dresser. Wonder what’s in it? I pondered for a moment. Looking down at Hope to see she was almost asleep, I carefully got up and inched my way over to grab the box.
Sitting back down in the chair, I was relieved to see Hope was still almost asleep. Opening the box, I peeked inside to see a sticky note stuck to the bottom. Weird? I thought grabbing it and pulling it out. It read:
Meet me at eight o’clock tonight at the first place you felt something more than friendship. If you don’t show, then we’ll both know.
What on earth? I began thinking of what he could be talking about. Copper’s Cove? Floyd’s ravine? The call center?
My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what Joshua was referring to. Hope soon fell asleep and I placed her into the crib and shut the door to our room. My mind was focused on the sticky note between my fingers as I came down the stairs.
“She go down pretty easily?” Dale asked, setting his newspaper down on the coffee table. Jennie was sitting next to him on the couch.
Nodding, I looked up at them. “Yes…”
“Good. You seem a bit distracted, what do you got there?” Dale asked.
Taking a seat on the couch near Jennie I showed them the note. “Joshua gave me this after the baptism.”
“That was what was in the white box?” Jennie asked.
“Yeah… It’s driving me nuts!” I laughed.
Todd came into the living room from the kitchen to see the note. He smiled at me. “Told you he loves you Sis.”
Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t know where he’s referring to though…”
“Well, have you admitted to yourself you might want to be with him?” Todd asked.
Nodding, I replied, “I know I want to be with him, I just feel like I don’t deserve him.”
“You should see what he has to say,” Jennie said.
“I want to; I just don’t know where he is referring to, what if I get it wrong?”
“Just take a guess,” Dale said.
Thinking out loud, I said, “The park was when we really started talking.”
“Which one?” Dale asked, leaning over Jennie’s shoulder, looking up at me.
“Manito…”
“Go try,” Jennie said, touching my hand. “You have to see what he has to say and go from there.”
“But I’ve just done a lot of bad things in my life and I have a kid now and all this baggage… I am not exactly a prized trophy. Why would a good Christian guy like Joshua want to be with me?… I’m sorry.”
“He doesn’t care about your baggage,” Dale said. “He’s a good man, and he knows everything and still wants you. That should tell you something right there.”
I agreed to give it a shot and head over to Manito Park. Before I could even ask Jennie, she said, “We’ll watch Hope, no worries.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
Before I left, I headed upstairs and checked on Hope. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and rubbed my fingers over her face. “I love you…” I said softly, before leaving our room.
Getting to the park, I pulled into a parking spot along the path and began walking up the pathway that led through the flower beds going towards the gazebo. The flowers were in full bloom and looked more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Each flower was vibrant and beautiful in the moonlight.
“They’re so gorgeous,” I said out loud.
Looking up towards the gazebo, I didn’t see Joshua anywhere in sight. Was this the wrong place? I wondered as I continued up into the gazebo.
A few minutes into my wait, the cats began showing up. I couldn’t help from smiling when I saw Macy, the one we named together. Seeing her, I noticed she had a small box around her neck and back, kind of like a small saddle. “What’s that?” I asked out loud as I got down on my knees to inspect it. “Come here kitty, kitty, kitty…” I said.
The cat came over to me and I retrieved the box. Opening it, I was surprised to find it was my necklace that my father had given to me. Tears came to my eyes as I looked around for Joshua. How’d he know about my necklace at the pawn shop? Holding the locket close to my chest, I felt so happy. I thought I had lost it forever when I missed being able to pick it up from Easy Pawn.
“Hey…” Joshua said coming up the gazebo steps behind me.
Spinning around to him, I said, “How did you…”
“I knew you were trying to get money for it… and I followed you after you left the mall. I swear I am not stalking you, I just know if it was me who lost my parents I would want to keep one of the only things left from them.”
My eyes watered as I grabbed around his neck to hug him. “Thank you so much! You don’t know how much this means to me!”
He smiled after hugging me and letting me go. “I’m glad you’re happy Claire, you have no idea how much joy it brings me to see you smile.”
“So this is the spot you started falling for me?” I asked, taking a seat down on the bench.
Sitting next to me, he said, “I’ve liked you for a long time, but I fell in love with you here.”
“Why? What was it?”
He shrugged. “That night I picked you up from that bad party, I felt like we really started getting to know each other, and maybe you felt something for me too. When our hands touched, that’s when I started feeling more for you.” He looked down at the cat we named. “We named Macy together too…”
I nodded.
“Claire you’ve always had this way about you even since we were just kids. I was so shy growing up, but I always saw you from a distance. I saw how smart you were, how you spoke up when other kids were getting bullied. When you went through your Grandma’s death and I watched as you used art as an outlet, I was amazed. You’re so unique and beautiful, as a person. Sure, you’ve made some bad choices along the way here and there, but I knew that wasn’t really who you were. Your actions don’t define who you are, it’s what inside that matters Claire and I love who you are in spite of what you’ve done.”
“I’m broken and damaged goods… You don’t want this drama in your life.”
Grabbing my hands, he kissed them. “I want every part of you Claire… the good, the bad and even the ugly. You are not damaged goods!”
Shaking my head, “I don’t deserve your love Joshua… The only good thing here is you, and you have way better things for your future than me.” My eyes were watering, my throat was clenched and it felt as if my chest was collapsing in on itself.
“You don’t deserve my love?” He came closer, lifting my chin. “Go find me a perfect person outside of Jesus. You won’t. You’re human. You have flaws, you have issues, you have some struggles, but so does everyone. I even do!” Wrapping his arms around me, he continued, “I love you regardless of what you’ve done Claire. I want to be with you and show you how much I love you.”
Standing up from the bench, I shook my head. “I can’t do this…” Walking out of the gazebo, I was shocked when Joshua didn’t chase after me. He let me walk away. Turning to see him not chasing me, my eyes watered all the more.
What was wrong with me? I should have just taken him and ran. Sometimes love is hard, I know I loved him, but it’s because of that I knew that he deserved the best, and that’s not me… I had to say goodbye to Joshua, I prayed he gets all he wants in life. Getting into my car, I turned the key over and glanced towards the direction of the gazebo. “Goodbye Joshua,” I whispered. Pulling away, I let the tear gates burst open and I cried the whole way home.
When I got back home to Dale and Jennie’s, Dale had already retired to the bedroom. Jennie however seemed to be waiting for me to get home. Coming through the front door with swollen red eyes and I saw she was waiting at the kitchen table ready to talk.
“Have a seat,” Jennie said, looking over at the chair.
“I don’t want to talk.”
“Claire… I don’t want to tell you what to do, but you’ve been through a lot, and I love you.”
Looking at the chair sitting across from Jennie at the table, I thought about what Nick said about the sweeping stuff under the rug and tonight’s encounter with Joshua. I knew I needed help, so I took a seat and waited for Jennie to talk.
“Sharon informed me you had come to a Healed and Set Free study but left abruptly a while back.”
“Yeah...”
Jennie peeked around the corner into the living room and towards the back hallway to looking as if she was making sure nobody was around, and then she pulled out a Healed and Set Free study book from a cupboard above the fridge. She set it down in front of me. “Dale and I have long since moved past this chapter of my life, but this was my study book.”
“Really? What happened?” I asked as I grabbed it.
“When I was a teenager, there was a neighbor that sexually abused me. He threatened to kill my family if I told anyone and it went on for years… When I married Dale, I thought everything was gone from my past, but that painful part of my past still lingered. It almost ruined our relationship and we were on the verge of getting divorced.”
“How did it affect you and Dale?” I asked.
“When we don’t properly deal with past hurts in our lives, it seeps into our future relationships and holds us back from experiencing God’s love. As a result of my past hurt, I had a hard time trusting Dale.”
Shaking my head as I opened the study book, I saw her hand written answers and tear stains filling the pages. Seeing a part about making things right with God, I closed the book and looked up at Jennie, shaking my head. “I don’t think I can…”
Jennie reached over and grabbed my hands. “You can’t… but God can. He loves you Claire and he wants you to be happy.”
Tears started as I nodded. God wants me happy, and I need to be happy for that precious little girl upstairs. “How did you know I’d come home upset?”
“I just don’t feel like I’m good enough for Joshua… plus is it so wrong for me to just be by myself, for Hope? Why do I need a guy?”
“You don’t need a guy, but are you passing on Joshua because of you don’t have an interest in him or because you don’t feel good enough?”
Looking down, I nodded. “I get what you mean…”
“There is no guy out there that you are not good enough for, Claire. These past hurts keep you from feeling like you deserve real love.”
“This year has been so hard Jennie,” I replied.
“Well, it has been quite a year, that’s for sure. But I think now that you have been born again, you might want to give the group another shot. And Joshua, I wouldn’t write him off if you have feelings.” Jennie picked up the study guide and placed it back above the fridge.
Nodding, I said, “I’ll try it…”
Jennie and I hugged and then I climbed the stairs up to my bedroom. Before climbing into bed, I went over to the crib and looked at Hope as she slept. Seeing her precious little face poking out of the blankets, I smiled as tears started coming down my cheeks again.
CHAPTER 29
Joshua seemed to back off the next few days. He’d come and pick Nick up, but stay in his truck out in the driveway. He wasn’t coming inside anymore and I couldn’t help but feel like I was responsible. When Friday finally did come around, I made the journey over to Sharon’s for the Healed and Set Free Bible study. I was worried, but I tried to keep calm. If I can embrace the study fully, I could be released from the bondage that my past hurt was keeping me in.
This time I showed up at the right time and took a seat on the floor between the couch and a folding chair. I figured the more I could blend in, the better time I would have.
“Glad to have you back Claire,” Sharon said, handing me a study guide. “Go ahead and keep that one.” She opened the group study with a prayer and then asked everyone to flip to the chapter on forgiveness. “What did you learn in the reading you did over the last week?” She asked the group.