Wild Cards

by R. C. Stephens

  That was the thing about living in a very small town, you could call the doctor to come to your house and he would come because he knew you personally. The bad part to living in a small town was that when Mama got sick, we had less access to resources like nurses and other care agencies. I had gone to high school with Dr. McCall’s daughter, and he was a good friend of my parents. If Joe was calling him, it meant he would probably come, even though I felt like Joe was overreacting.

  I sauntered back to my room to get dressed. Joe and I had so many things to take care of, like what we were going to do about the house and all the belongings inside. After dressing in the same dreary clothes I had worn to my mama’s wake, a black long pencil skirt and black top, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. Joe had made it down before me, and before I could rummage through the cabinets for something to eat, he pushed a dry bowl of cereal my way.

  “Here you need to eat something.”

  “I can’t eat that,” I replied, eyeing the bowl like it was poison. The thought of pushing dry cereal down my throat made a new roll of nausea wash over me.

  “Well, we don’t have time to grab something, Dr. McCall will be here any minute,” he replied, looking at his watch then eyeing me warily. I wondered what had gotten into him and when he had become so attentive. A few moments later there was a knock at the door. I made my way to the front door to open it for the doctor. Joe muttered something about giving me privacy and disappeared up the stairs.

  “Hi, Dr. McCall,” I said, opening the door.

  He looked at me sadly and said, “Hi, Vicky, I am sorry for your loss.” And so the condolences began. “Your brother mentioned you had been getting sick to your stomach. Do you want to tell me a little more about that?”

  “Sure,” I replied, as we made our way into the family room. Dr. McCall motioned for me to take a seat on the couch while he stood and listened. “There isn’t much to tell, I’ve just thrown up a few times.”

  “Aha, do you think you ate something bad?”

  I thought back to the last few days. I hadn’t eaten very much and whatever I ate, Joe ate too and he had been fine. “No, I haven’t eaten anything bad.”

  “Can I ask you when your last menstrual cycle was?”

  Mmm, thinking back I had a period just after arriving to New York at some point. As I calculated the dates in my mind my stomach dropped. “I think it’s been about six weeks,” I answered hesitantly.

  I cringed knowing what the next question would be. “Have you been sexually active during that time?” Crap, I felt like shit. I had been sexually active with too many men.

  “I think we should do a urine test, Vicky, and take it from there. It may very well be a stomach bug or you may just be under stress, but either way you should know,” the doctor explained reaching into his brown leather bag. He pulled out a urine cup and passed it to me. I took it from him and went to the bathroom.

  I had been on birth control. I couldn’t be pregnant. As I walked to the bathroom something in my gut told me that I was pregnant with Luc’s baby. I wanted to laugh and cry. I needed to bury my papa in a few days for goodness sakes and Luc left me, he pushed me out of his life. Bryce probably told him about my father and yet after all of his babble about love, I’m alone. I peed in the container and wrapped it in toilet paper. Then I washed my hands and headed back out to the doctor and passed him the cup. He placed it on the coffee table and reached back into his brown bag. A moment later he pulled out a little cup with sticks in it. He dipped one of the sticks into the cup and we waited silently. I felt numb and spacey. Maybe this would be it, the thing that breaks me. I had dreaded the thought of ever having children since Mama got sick. I had watched how my best friend’s sister in high school had gotten married and had her first baby. I had spent time at their house while Dani’s mother taught her how to care for her baby. When Mama got sick, my mind always drifted to that day. Remembering how Dani had no clue what to do with her baby and how grateful she was to her mom for teaching her how to be a mother. I knew I would never have that. I knew that if the day came, I would be alone. Now I was truly alone and it didn’t feel real, whatever was happening wasn’t registering in my mind.

  I had no husband, no mother, no way of caring for an infant. “Vicky the test result is positive,” the doctor said.

  ***

  “Vicky, Vicky,” Joe was hanging over me patting my face.

  “Mmmm, what are you doing? Stop slapping me.” I flicked his hand away from my face as I slowly opened my eyes, and the doctor and Joe hovered above me.

  “You are lucky you had the couch behind you to break your fall,” the doctor said sadly.

  I looked between the doctor and Joe feeling disoriented. “You fainted, Vick,” Joe said holding his hand over his chest as if he was protecting his heart.

  “Sorry if I scared you,” I whispered.

  “Joe, will you give us a minute?” the doctor requested.

  “Yeah, sure.” He nodded and left the room.

  “Do you remember what I said to you?” The doctor looked at me drawing his eyebrows together.

  “Yes,” I blushed.

  “Okay, I know you have a hard day ahead of you. You need to eat something. Maybe some dry toast will curb the nausea,” he suggested. “You will also need to make an appointment to see an obstetrician. That is a doctor that takes care of pregnant women. You may be about a month along at this point,” he smiled sadly. “I will see you at the funeral home later. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to call me.” He smiled then he took his brown bag and walked toward the door. I wanted to get up and show him out, but I felt glued to my spot on the couch. My legs felt like jelly. I couldn’t keep this baby. I couldn’t do this by myself.

  Once the door closed, Joe hesitantly walked back into the family room. He took a seat beside me on the couch. “Everything okay, Vick?”

  I had a strong sense that Joe knew I was pregnant. Something told me that he had sensed it all along. I didn’t understand when or how he became so attuned to a woman’s body. I can’t imagine he studied that in school.

  “I’m pregnant,” I huffed out, letting my head fall back onto the pillow on our old brown couch.

  “I figured,” he let out a sigh, falling back into the couch beside me.

  “How’s that Joe, how did you figure?” I asked, lifting my head and looking at him warily. Something about him had changed since his return.

  “Honestly, Vick, I wanted to wait until after the funeral to tell you, but when I was back in Mexico I got a girl pregnant. I have a daughter…” he confessed, looking down to the brown carpeted floor in front of him.

  The gasp I let out was harsh and rough. “For real?”

  “Yeah, my girlfriend's name is Eva, she had the same symptoms like you, throwing up from certain foods…morning sickness,” he drawled.

  “Where is Eva now? Where is your child?” I asked feeling like I couldn’t speak fast enough. Joe had disappeared but I hadn’t expected him to have started a family in such a short time, even though a year and a half had been longer than I realized.

  “Eva is in Mexico. She lives with her parents. We have a baby girl…her name is Antonella Maria,” he said as his eyes began to redden. “We call her Nelly.”

  “You named her after Mama?”

  “Eva insisted, honestly, Vicky. Things are a little messed up for me. I’ve been messed up. Eva and I were not exclusive when she came and told me she was pregnant. I was working in a tourist town at a resort, and let’s just say I got around. When Eva came and told me she was pregnant I didn’t man up and ask her to marry me. I’ve been there for her throughout the pregnancy and birth, but I know she wanted more from me and I didn’t have anything to give,” Joe explained sadly. I could see the guilt sitting heavy on his shoulders.

  “I get it Joe, I do,” I tried to console him. It was hard to find something to give when you felt so empty inside. But then there was Luc and he made me believe, until he pulled i
t all away. I sadly had no advice for my brother.

  “What do you get, Vicky? I left Eva with a one month old. Flew back to the States for a couple weeks trying to garner up the courage to come home to Papa. To tell him what I had gotten myself into. I needed direction from him, even though deep down I knew I was coming home to a drunk that would give me a blank look when I told him he was a grandpa….do you hear that, Vicky? I was angry at him. I was living with this anger for so long it consumed me. I don’t understand how he backed away from Mama that way, and now I am no better than him. I backed away from Eva. Now Papa is dead and things are shot to hell, and now you are pregnant too,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air completely exasperated. He quickly stood up from the couch and began to pace the family room back and forth in a frantic motion. Tears sprang to my eyes. Things were seriously messed up. We had been without parents to guide us for only about two and a half years .and we had been messing up left, right, and center.

  Once Joe had gathered himself together and realized I was crying, he knelt before me and wrapped me in his arms again as I cried on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Vick, I didn’t mean to lose it on you. I’m scared. I know I have to go back to get Eva and Nelly, but I won’t leave you alone either. I’m done fucking up.”

  “You don’t need to take care of me Joe, I will be okay, but I agree you can’t just leave the mother of your child and your child back in Mexico.”

  “I know, Vick, because if I do then I will be no better than him.” He gritted his teeth referring to Papa. Papa had abandoned us and I felt angry with him too, even though meeting Luc got me to understand that my papa was suffering from an incurable broken heart. I couldn’t hate him for loving my mama that way. My emotions were all mixed up, and Joe seemed to be on the same dark roller coaster I had got on.

  “Joe, I know we’ve been feeling angry for Papa’s choices but I think he suffered from a broken heart. He loved Mama so much he couldn’t find a life without her. Can we really blame him for that?” Joe’s gaze softened as he took in what I was saying.

  “You may have a point,” he agreed. “I never thought of it that way.”

  “Let’s get through this week, then you go back and get Eva and Nelly, and we will figure things out.” I patted his shoulder.

  “There you go again thinking of everyone but yourself, you are having a baby. I don’t think you get it, Vick, but trust me it’s real. Who’s the father? Shouldn’t he be manning up?”

  As Joe asked the question my stomach sank again thinking of Luc. Thinking of how badly he had wanted a family all his life. He didn’t even know we had created a family, he would never know. “Joe, I don’t know how to tell you this. I wanted to wait until after the funeral but when Mama died she left me a letter.”

  “She left me one too,” Joe responded squinting his eyes, assessing me. I’m guessing she must have told him that she loved him forever and what a great man he was. I couldn’t believe she told him the truth because she would never want to lose him or break his heart. He took a seat beside me on the couch again, and I straightened myself out and took a deep breath.

  “The letter said that Tony wasn’t my father,” I began as Joe took a lung full of air. He didn’t speak though he was waiting. “Mama had gotten pregnant with me on a cruise ship she was dancing on. She fell in love with my father instantly, and they spent time together. He wanted her to join him in New York. He came from a wealthy family but they didn’t approve of Mama. Mama came back to Thunder Bay and realized that she was pregnant. Nana and Nono helped her out, but by the time she was at the end of her eighth month she realized it was a mistake to keep me from my father, and she left for New York. I made an early entrance and when she called my father, his mother intercepted and tried to pay her off. She left and never looked back. I didn’t know the truth until after she died. I went to New York in search of my father. I have been building a relationship with him. He’s been good to me.” I paused realizing that I had thrown a lot his way. He stared blankly out the window to our backyard. I looked out to the roller coaster I built three years ago with Jamie. My parents never had it taken down after I left. I looked around the room and I knew this house held a lot of good memories. “Say something, please.”

  “She told me, Vicky, in my letter she told me… Papa was a single father when she met him. She told me about your father… She figured we were small enough that we would never remember not being a part of this family, so her and Papa decided to keep the secret. She explained that she felt like she was protecting me from myself. She didn’t want me to feel abandoned by my own mother leaving because she felt like I was hers from the moment she laid eyes on me.” Joe explained watching me with pain radiating from his eyes. I wanted to punch him, hit him, scream at him. I’d been carrying the burden of knowing so long that it was slowly breaking me, and here he knew the truth. We could have discussed it. We could have been there for each other, and he chose to pull away. He ran away. Despite my anger, sympathy washed over me. Joe’s mother met him and walked away from him. That is so much harder than what I experienced because my own father didn’t know I even existed. I now understand why he ran. Why he wasn’t able to cope. He probably felt like his life was a lie.

  “Joe, I…” I began to say, but he put his hand up to stop me.

  “Don’t, okay? We are clearly on the same boat here, we got those letters the same day, and instead of discussing it, we went in opposite directions. We are both at fault here so none of the self-righteous crap about me taking off right now.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. You’re right. I didn’t think you knew. I didn’t want to be the one to break your heart. You are still my big brother. You are still the guy that beat up Walter Evans when I was in sixth grade because he pulled my pants down at school,” I continued as the salty tears ran down my cheeks into my mouth. As I stared at Joe, I saw the wet pools in his eyes threatening to fall.

  “That letter broke me. I didn’t know what to do. My head was spinning so bad I didn’t know which direction I was falling. I had to get out of here. I knew you were hurting bad, but I couldn’t get myself together, let alone help you. I thought I could search for my birth mother. I wanted to know why someone would leave a baby like that. I mean, I knew Jamie had his issues growing up because his mom left. I knew she told his father that small town living was suffocating her. It didn’t make sense. It was cruel and I always thought his mom must be some selfish bitch, and then I realized I was left behind too. The only difference was that I had a mother who loved me unconditionally. I knew what it was like to have her and to lose her, and that’s what killed me even more. I had lost two mothers,” Joe said, taking a hand and holding it to his temples. I could tell he was squinting his eyes hard and trying to hold himself together.

  “I’m sorry, Joe, I should have known better. Of course she revealed the truth to both of us, she didn’t want to leave the world with us not knowing about our missing parts,” I replied rubbing his shoulder.

  “I’m not sure my mother was a missing part, Vick. I mean, what kind of person takes off on her infant son? Mama told me because of you, because you needed to know who your real father was and that meant she had to explain the fact that I was not her son, or else how would I have been born before you when her and Papa didn’t meet yet?” he paused and took a breath. “I’m not blaming you, Vick, I may have felt angry at first, but you are as much of a victim to this lie as I am.”

  “Joe.”

  He stopped me again. “The truth is out and it’s better this way. Maybe you won’t be so hard on me for running. I feel like shit for leaving you as it is.”

  “I’m so sorry, Joe. I am sorry for your pain and your loss.” I reached over and embraced him in a hug. I dug my chin into his shoulder and he squirmed and laughed. I am happy we could still bond like this.

  “I’m better now, Vick. It took me a while, but I’m good. I’m thinking clearly.” He pulled away and nodded his head reassuringly.

&nb
sp; “Good and yes. It took me a long time to garner up the courage to go, but I am happy I went to New York to find my birth father. His name is Bryce Andrews…” I began.

  Joe’s eyes widened, “The business mogul?”

  “Yes.”

  “Holy shit.”

  “Yes.”

  My response was followed by a long bout of silence. I knew he needed time to let this information sink in. It was serious information that affected the make-up of our family.

  “Our father was still the only father I knew growing up,” I said almost apologetically.

  “I know,” Joe answered knowingly.

  “Who is the father?” he asked tilting his head to my stomach.

  “It’s a man that works with Bryce. He heads the car plant. I’ve been working as an intern for Bryce. I felt like my life was starting to come together, and now everything seems broken again. I can’t have this baby, Joe, I can’t do it without Mama,” I confessed to my brother now that we had opened up to each other.

  “You can, Vick, I will be here. Wait until we get Eva and Nelly. Eva is amazing; she will help you. I will help you,” Joe said so convincingly that I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t see myself living in this house. Living in Thunder Bay. I also couldn’t go back to New York and face Luc either, not after he pushed me away.

  I did want to continue to get to know Bryce, but I didn’t know how he would fit in the picture now that Luc had left me.

  “Joe, I need to get myself together. We can’t be late for the wake,” I said, patting his shoulder. He stood up. He was already dressed in a black button down shirt and black dress pants. He was a handsome guy with a good heart. I had to believe that things would work out for him, even though there were still missing pieces to his story.